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TOPIC TITLE: Yom Tov blues
Created On 9/21/06 10:57 AM
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Debbi
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9/21/06 10:57 AM
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I am feeling sad before Rosh Hashono.

Feeling that I can't daven. That the Ribono Shel Olom won't listen anyway. Why should He? I probably don't deserve His attention. Feeling guilty for even having such thoughts in the first place.
Feeling that I should be more spritual. That I should have said Selichos throughout the week. Feeling that I ought to have some feelings of awe and fear, and regard for these Holy days.
Feeling that I have missed the boat, that I never daven, that I am not on G-ds list of "good" people.
Feeling that I am too tired to put in the effort, to try and get on His list. That Rosh Hashono will come and go, and I will be the same person I always was.
I am feeling exhausted and sad, and knowing that the sound of the Shofar will fail to pierce through my apathy, the way it is meant to.
I am standing on the sidelines watching my children come home from school, knap sacks full of crayon apples, and glittery jars of honey. I sort through the piles of papers the older kids leave on the kitchen counter, the forms for selling honey, so that the Yeshiva can make a few dollars for Tzedoko, knowing that I should be encouraging them to go to the neighbors, and raise some money.
Instead I sweep a handful of papers into the garbage, so that there will be a clear space for the next pile of sheets when they come home from school today.

What is wrong with me?

Why does Yom Tov make me fight fatigue, instead of imbuing joy and happiness?
Why am I fighting against staying in bed?
Why am I seeing my life through a fog, instead of through clear fresh eyes?

Why?

Does anyone know the answer?

Why?

d.
 
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gad
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9/22/06 12:28 AM
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I hope you won't mind if I answer, even though I upset you in a previous post. By the way, this is a good time to ask for your forgiveness.

Hopefully the following will give you reason to feel better about Yom Tov.

You are doing the best you can, and G-d knows that.

You throw the papers off because you feel you cannot deal with it now, and it's important to know your limits.

The shofar is a simple cry. It is reminding us that we are G-d's children, that we have within us a soul which is a part of G-d, just as a child is a part of his or her parent. It reminds us that we have a purpose in life. It reminds us that when we see our children riding a bike and enjoying life, that we are enabling them to achieve this and to do many good things. That we are helping them to achieve their purpose.

It's the beginning of the year. And may it be a good and sweet year for you and your whole family.
 
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Belly
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9/22/06 4:15 AM
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Hi Debbi
I don't have time to go into details and really answer to what you rote, but I want to tell you that I read your post and I'm thinking of you and will daven for you.
Don't be hard on yourself. (I also trough out most papers the kids bring home). There is no way to read and keep everything.
Debbi believe in yourself. You are great and Hashem doesn't expect us to be perfect. (He would have created a perfect world with perfect people if He wanted to.) I'm sure you are doing your best and this is what counts.
Shana Tova
Belli
 
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Debbi
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9/22/06 1:32 PM
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Gad thanks for your encouragement.
of course i forgive you, although i know that you have never intentionally tried to cause me pain.
I respect your tenacity, in holding onto your direction.
wishing you a wonderfuly sweet new year.
 
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Debbi
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9/24/06 10:01 PM
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Belly thanks for your post,

i didnt have time before Yom tov, to reply and I wanted to make sure I told Gad that he neednt worry about any forgiveness on my part.

hoping all of your Yom Tov's went well.

I am feeling disillusioned.
Today, I so badly wanted to feel a connection with G-d. I wanted to feel something spiritual. Alas I was not capable of feeling anything remotely associated with the Yom Hadin.

How sad is that.

i managed to take care of my kids in a reasonably calm manner. I read them stories and even played some games. I went to shul and heard the Shofar, and davened Musaf. And that was where it ended for me.

I spent the rest of my time allowing my mind to become overtaken by thoughts of my father.
I suspect this may sound odd, to those of you who B'H have not experienced this kind of abuse, but it seems as though I have not really accepted that what happened actually "did" happen, and not only did it occur, but it happened to "me"!
And then even worse than that, it was my father who was the perpertrator.

My mind cannot wrap itself around the enormity of it all.
I am having difficulty concentrating.
I am feeling disorganised, and even confused.
I cannot remeber names, phone numbers, or even a conversation from a moment ago.
I cannot listen to my children well enough.
I cannot think ahead more than a few moments at a time.
I cannot sleep.
I cannot eat.

These symptoms are all quite familiar to me, but I thought they had almost become non-existant.
Sadly I am noticing them return with a vengeance.

I feel weighted down with an incomprehensible sorrow.
A pain so profound, it is difficult to describe.
A loss so powerful in its intensity.
An emptiness, a hole, a wide open space where warmth and comfort should be.
There is none.
I cannot be consoled.
I feel bereft and alone.
Does G-d not care how much I suffer?
Does He want me there by His side?
Is that the answer? Death?

I dont know anymore.
My sadness knows no bounds.
I feel tortured in my incapabilty of comforting myself.
I have no wish to ask it of others.
I have no wish anymore for anything.

G-d didnt create a perfect world, Belly you are right.
But this?
This incredible pain?
How much more?
How much longer will I feel this emptiness in my Neshama?
 
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gad
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9/24/06 11:38 PM
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I'm thinking that maybe I should quit while I'm ahead. But at the risk of getting blasted again, I'm sending this in the hope that maybe it will help a bit. And at the very least, that it will be received in the spirit that it was intended.

The Torah compares what you went through to murder. (Ki Teizei 22;26) (The Rabbis say that the comparison teaches us certain laws. But I think that the comparison itself is telling.)

But even with death, there is techias hameisim, the dead come back to life. And this can happen even before Moshiach comes, as the Talmud tells us.

I'm sure that life's experiences (learning, growing, marriage, children etc.) itself is life-giving and healing. But things could always be better.

Hopefully soon you will come back to a full and vibrant life.


Edited: 9/30/06 at 8:53 PM by gad
 
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Belly
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9/25/06 2:47 AM
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Hi Debbi
I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I don't have anything smart to say.
I had a hard time davening too.
I"m sad. I have all these physical issues going on and come down to the same line as you? Why does Hashem let me suffer this way? Will it ever end? Why does it seem that every R"H there is an other crises? I had no patients for the kids. Some of the time they were amazing. Some of the time they were a pain.
Now I'm just upset. Don't know how to continue. What to do. I wish I could just run away.
And then again everything I go through is nothing compared to what you are going through, nothing compared to what a cancer patient goes through
So why am taking things so hard?
I should have had my surgery right after Yom Kipur. Now the doc is sick and I don't know when my surgery will be. I hate such situations. I hate not knowing what's going on and not being in control.
I just hope that things will get better soon.
Somewher deep inside me I know and believe that things will get better soon.
Shana Tova
Belly
 
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psydoc
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9/27/06 10:19 AM
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Dear Debbi,

It is amazing the attitude and perception we have of Hashem. It is no surprise that being raised in our education system we learn about Gehanim punishment etc. However, this is analogous to someone describing a Father as someone who hits, yells, and punishes. Hashem loves us beyond any human comprehension. Hashem is compared to a compassionate father only because we lack any better way of describing his love for us. It is no wonder you fell this way about Rosh Hashanah etc. because if you could even entertain the notion that Hashem doesn’t listen to you why should you care for him?! Think of it as Hashem standing with open arms waiting to embrace you. All you have to do is fall in his arms and cry on his shoulder because only he can truly understand what you are going through. Hashem doesn’t need any fancy Tefilos with no heart. A heartfelt prayer from the depths of your heart is worth much more to our loving father in heaven. Love him because he truly loves you. And once and forever throw your destructive guilt away.

Have A Gut Gebenshed Yur and a HAPPY Yom Tov season.
 
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gad
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9/28/06 3:42 AM
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Belly,
Hope things work out for you with the surgery, and that you have a speedy recovery. Also I hope things work out at home.
Have a Gemar Chasima Tova.
 
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gad
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9/28/06 3:48 AM
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psydoc,
You make a very good point.

However, I think it goes beyond that.

A person can be suffering so much G-d forbid, that a warm loving embrace with G-d can be very difficult at the time.

So he knows that G-d is loving etc., but the suffering doesn't allow him to relate and embrace.
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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10/4/06 1:16 AM
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Gad,
I have to commend you on your growing sensitivity to other members of the board. Your tone is less preachy and much more empathic. Yeshar koach! This should be a year of mazel and hatzlacha for you and your loved ones.
a lynn
 
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gad
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10/4/06 3:13 PM
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Thank you for your compliment and your vote of confidence.

Thank you for your constant watch and input.

May you also have a year of goodness and sweetness, and may this be the year of geula for us all.
 
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ernie55B
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10/6/06 5:08 PM
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Hi Debbie,

Sorry I haven't been able to write for so long, and to say something that might give you some chizuk. The main reason for that is, that I can use some chizuk myself right now.
As you know I am having a hard time with my divorce situation. It is especially hard around Yom Tov time. But besides that, I am having some very difficult problems at work, which I am trying to solve. It is just so hard to concentrate when feeling so down.

Just know that I still care, and hope you have a refuas hanefesh and can manage to enjoy Yom Tov a bit with your family.

Take good care,
Ernie
 
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