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TOPIC TITLE: Trauma work
Created On 11/12/06 3:08 PM
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Debbi
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11/12/06 3:08 PM
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I am behaving like a coward.
Not willing to face up to past memories.
It is so simple, all i need to do is walk into my therapists office, sit down on her couch, and start talking.
She'll help me, I am certain.
She will listen, and empathise, and help me explore and explain and understand.

Instead, I torture myself.
I can't sleep.
I won't eat.
I allow myself to believe that T doesn't really care, and that she is leaving me anyway. I tell myself that she must be sick of me (if i were her, i would most definately be sick of me). I go back to worrying that when I come to my session she won't be there.

Instead of doing the trauma work, I pick fights with her. I tell her she's "only" a therapist and I dont need her anyway. I say nasty things, like "Who says you know what you're talking about?"

My mind becomes forgetful.
I can't remember what day my cleaning lady is supposed to come, and even when she shows up and rings on my bell, I don't open the door because I forget that it is her.
I lose my keys, and my cell phone. I double- book clients (I run my own business). I forget to check my appointment book, to see who is coming, and at what time. I don't bother returning phone calls, even though my machine is full of messages.
I feel angry, frustrated and unfocused.

All of the above, on some level must be better than facing the pain of the trauma.

Is it really better?
Am I such a coward.
Is it better to feel as though nothing is real?
Is it better to walk around feeling as though evereything is just out of reach? If I put out my hand to touch a tree or a flower, it will disappear. When my children talk to me, I hear their words, but do not understand what they are saying.

Does anyone understand what is happening to me?
I have been through this before, and I always feel better after I talk.

So why am I being such a coward this time?
Why?

I'm starting to hate myself again.
Going back to self destructive thoughts and actions.
Believing my life is worthless.
Wondering why am here?

All this, to avoid feeling pain.

How crazy is that!

does anyone get it?
 
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gad
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11/13/06 2:32 AM
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Sorry about all the editing. My computer was slow, and I kept hitting reply, and the same message kept repeating itself.

Hope you are feeling better. I hope the words in the next posting may help a bit.


Edited: 11/13/06 at 2:51 AM by gad
 
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gad
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11/13/06 2:34 AM
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Sorry for all the edits. My computer was slow, and I kept hitting reply, and it just repeated the same message.

First of all, I hope you're feeling better.


I think the wound is so deep and hurts so much, that you feel nothing can make it better.

When that happens, it becomes difficult to function, and we want to withdraw from the world in the hope that this will eliminate the pain.

It's crazy and it's sad.

But as you write, your therapist is there to try to help.

And although she may not eliminate the pain, she may help you to go on in life, and to accomplish good things for yourself and your family.

So try being crazy in the opposite direction. Try to be crazy and to force yourself to listen to your therapist, even though the pain is unbearable.

And maybe one day soon, it will all become good.


Edited: 11/13/06 at 2:39 AM by gad
 
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SaraSmith
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11/13/06 3:09 AM
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You are so not a coward. It takes a LONG time to trust anyone after what you have been through! I know, trust me. Its hard. It hurts. THe ppl who are supposed to love you and care about you dont and break your trust and hurt you in the deepest way and then you think you are gong to be able to turn around and trust????? Sometimes I wish my T would push me more and sometimes I beg her just to leave me alone and dont push me, its too hard, I cant go there. She listens to me. There are times I go in and sit in silence. Its all normal. You have been through trememdous trauma! You have faced that you have memories and felt willing to work on finding them. I have not yet gotten to that point. I stand up for you. You are tremendous. Not a coward. You have come so far (especially if you started where I started). I wish I could be there for you, but know that youa re understood and I really really respect you and you COURAGE!!!!

Hatzlacha!
 
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Debbi
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11/13/06 6:58 AM
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thank you so much Gad and Sarah,

Gad, I am continuously amazed by your posts to me. I really appreciate the effort you must have put into making these changes, and your words truly do offer me chizuk.
Your words are empathic, and down to earth, which creates a more direct interaction, and allows me to accept your words on an emotional level.
We should all learn from you, that change is possible.
Thank you.

Sara, thanks also for your encouragement. Sorry to hear that you struggle with similar issues. And just the fact that you respond to my posts, makes me feel less alone, and that someone does understand the emotional turmoil I am feeling.

I woke up at 4:30am this morning. Couldn't sleep.
No nightmares or anything, just woke up wide awake.

I am doing things which will not help me get through this work easily, yet I can't seem to stop myself from this downward spiral.

Its almost as though I "want" it to happen.
I have weaned myself off my medication. I wasn't taking alot to begin with, but whatever it was I guess was holding me together.
I'm down to taking 10mg instead of my usual 30mg, and I plan to stop completely.
I am not eating properly, and when I do, I vomit afterwards. (can't stand the physical feeling of a full stomach)
I am sleeping very little.
I'm using self injury to calm my fears.

The worst of all this is, that I am scared to tell my therapist all of the above.
I don't know why I'm scared, its not as though she will do anything, but I think, I know that she will force me to look at what I am doing to myself. She'll force me to examine my thoughts and feelings, and reasons for these behaviours.
And I don't want to.

I'm being self destructive.
I'm aware of it.
I know i am doing it, yet I make no move to stop it.
I am caught up on a nightmarish roller coaster ride, on which there is no looking back.

I think I need help.
But don't know how to get it.
I don't want to ask for it, and I don't want to accept it.

If I were my therapist or doctor, i would be so angry with me. Is that what i want? Am I looking for a fight?
I don't know the answers any more.
I feel confused.
And bad.
Am I trying to re-create my past, where I was always the wicked one. Nothing I ever did was good enough. Is that possible? I wish I knew. I am so tired of all this. The confusion. The not understanding my feelings.

I am so sick of being entwined in the past.
why does it still have such a strong hold over me.
Why?
I don't want to be so deeply entrenched in the nightmares of the past.
I really am frightened of that happening.
Afraid of feelings?
How ludicrous is that!

Oh, help!
I think I am finally going mad.




Edited: 11/13/06 at 2:27 PM by Debbi
 
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Holding on
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11/13/06 10:34 AM
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Yes Debbi, being afraid to face your feelings is perfectly normal. (actually if someone would be going thru what you and some others are going thru and not struggle, I would start thinking if they are human!).
I've gone to my T w/ something really disturbing on my mind, convinced I would share it w/ her and let her help me, only to come home again and realize I didn't say a word about it to my T. I also ask, WHY? If it is so troubling, why not just talk about it? WHY?

But the truth is that I also know the answer.

It's way to hard to go thru all the emotions connected to that thought.

I don't want to feel all the pain I know will surface when I talk about it.

I don't want to talk about something that will cauze me so much pain that only I will feel. So much pain only I will understand.

Nobody is going to be there to help me thru the pain when I leave my T's office. So why bother?

And then I get the urge to hurt myself again.

And I struggle to overcome that. Back and forth I struggle and argue w/ myself only hoping I will be strong enough to get thru this time.

That crazy cycle that I know all too well.
It'll be there and keep me up at night and not let me eat, or enjoy anything, until I work thru my emotions and can 'face myself in the full length mirror'. Until I expose those dark scary feelings, they will not go away.
Not let me enjoy the life I deserve to enjoy.

So I face them.
One at a time.
In my T's office.
It is hard and it hurts, but when I am done, I will feel better.
I have to believe that there is a finish line and I will cross it or else I would have little to keep me going. I am too young to give up on the dream of a happier life, so in the event that there is no finish line and I'm just wishing, please, I beg you, do not tell me. It will crush me to a depth I will not be able to rise out of.

Yes Debbi, I hear your pain and feel it as well. Hang in there!



Edited: 11/13/06 at 10:38 AM by Holding on
 
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Holding on
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11/13/06 10:42 AM
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Debbi,
You express yourself so beautifuly here on the forum, I'm wondering if you wouldn't just press the print button and let your T in on your feelings... Just a thought.

If I was just able to express the things going on in my mind so clearly...

Be well
 
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Belly
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11/13/06 11:30 AM
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Debbi I'm joining Holding on's idea of just printing this page for your T. Maybe it's something you can do? (I have done it once)

I understand how hard things must be for you. It took me about 14 years to decided to find and trust a T and talk about the Trauma which happend to me.

I understand you wanting to stop with medication. I'm in the same boat, but maybe it's worth waiting a bit longer, taking it a bit slower and maybe this will help you being strong enogh to bring up the memories you still need to talk about, before getting rid of the medication completely? I get mad at anyone saying this to me, but somewhere inside me I think they might be right. Please forgive me if I upset you with this.

THe most important thing I want to tell you is that I care about you and hope things will get better for you soon.
Huggs
Belly


Edited: 11/13/06 at 11:31 AM by Belly
 
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Debbi
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11/13/06 3:20 PM
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Thank you, Holding and Belly,

your words of encouragement mean so much to me.

I am feeling so alone in this chaos.
A chaos I have created. I deserve to suffer. T told me today that I do have choices. A few years ago, when i first began therapy, I truly was ignorant of any skills to help myself get out of this kind of crisis.

At this time, however, I am equipped with the means to help myself, yet I refuse to come to my own aid.
She said that this time only "I" can help myself, and that it is bad of me to cause the suffering of those around me, including my children, husband friends etc.

She is right, I am mean and wicked for causing so much suffering. I have made others suffer my whole life, and I continue to do so. I'm not fit to be alive.
Perhaps I should quit now, before everyone else quits on me.
I feel like giving up.
Why shouldn't I?

So many feelings racing around inside of me.
My head heavy with fatigue, sorrow filling every part of me.
i want to explain what I am feeling, but I dont understand it myself.
I want to live, yet I want to die.
i want to laugh, yet tears push their way from behind my eyes.
What is this?
What is this struggle?
It is so horribly confusing.
I am feeling so much pain deep within. So deep, it has become difficult to reach. How do I penetrate deeply enough, so that my pain will emerge into the light? I think if I allow it to reach the open it will be easier to examine.
I'm so tired. I can't do it. I feel as though I really can't. T said i could be hospitalised if I want to. Do I? I know that I don't, yet it feels so tempting. To lie in a bed, and allow someone else to take over for a while.

I'm tired.
So tired.
Wishing I could sleep for 100 years.

thanks again for all who support me.
d.

 
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gad
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11/13/06 6:46 PM
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Thank you for you kind words to me and to others on this thread.

I hope we hear good news from you.
 
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Belly
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11/14/06 2:31 AM
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Hi Debbi
Debbi I don't know why, but out of my own experience I eventually hit the point where I just got up and did what I had to do. I don't know what made the change. Sometimes it's that someone just told me enough and didn't let me continue being distructive. Sometimes I just didn't want to suffer anymore. Maybe it just was something in me that made a click and changed. I hope that this change will come soon and you will feel better.

Debbi your family needs you and want you to feel better. WE need you here on this board!
Don't give up!
Huggs Belly
 
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