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TOPIC TITLE: feeling detached
Created On 11/20/06 10:35 AM
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Debbi
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11/20/06 10:35 AM
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I dont know what I'm feeling.

Actually I think I'm feeling nothing right now, which is isolating and frightening.

I know that there are lots and lots of deep seated feelings hovering beneath the surface, however I don't have the ability, the energy or the motivation to access them.
Leaves me feeling kind of stuck.
Being unmotivated doesn't allow me to do the mundane activities I usually do. Laundry gets left until absolutely necessary, dishes go unwashed, meals unplanned. A sense of lethargy builds, so that I feel tired and lacking in energy.

Why am I allowing this to happen?
Why do I not continue to struggle?

I'm really tired.
Wanting to sleep, and allow the world to slide over me. I don't want to feel. I don't want to know, or see or accept the pain.
So I choose to detach myself from its clutches, and remain peacefully saddened.

thanks for listening.
debbi.
 
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SaraSmith
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11/20/06 1:54 PM
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debbi would you pm?


Edited: 11/20/06 at 1:57 PM by SaraSmith
 
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Debbi
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11/21/06 12:07 PM
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Okay, I went to my therapy session yesterday.
We began to explore the possibilty that my current self destructiveness is connected to the fact that my parents and in particular my mother have cut me out of their lives.

I am angry with myself for even acknowledging this fact.
I'm a mature grown woman, a wife and a mother, why is this abandonement causing me such difficulties?
It bothers me.
I feel that I should be over it by now. That I should be looking ahead, at my future together with my husband and young children.

Why is the fact that my mother can no longer talk to me, making me feel anguished, and in terrible emotional pain. Why?

I understand the facts.
> I told her that my father had molested me repeatedly as a very young child.
> Understandably she cannot accept that. After all she's married to him!
> Research shows, that when a victim of molestation steps forward , and reveals the secret of the abuse he is very likely to be disbelieved, and often as a result ostracised, and even banished from family life.

Theoreticaly all of the above is what is happening to me.
My mother refuses to believe that there is any truth in my accusation, even though all the facts point to it being a reality.
As a result she can no longer acknowledge my existence. Because if she believes me, then how could she live with my father? If she doesn't believe me, then how could she associate with a person who levels such horrible accusations at her very own husband. Either way, the implications are huge, and she doesn't have the stamina, or the skills to deal with it.

I understand all of this logically, I get it, I really do, but my heart yearns for something else. The pain sinks so deep, I get lost in its clutches.
Up until 10mths ago, I used to talk to my mother almost every day. We chatted about all kinds of things. She gave me advice on how to raise my kids, and she would listen to me moan and groan about this or that.
I love my mother, so why can't she love me back?
I miss talking to her.
I wish I could see her.
I wish she could care about me.
I wish we could talk, just one more time.

But she won't. Can't.
And so I remain, faithfully tied up in sorrow and sadness. Thinking about killing myself, just so that my parents will know I exist, or existed.

Wrong I know. And i won't do it, but I think about it all the same.
I sit here and feel a deep sadness.
Tears grow heavy behind my eyes, and I feel lost and alone, like a child with no hand to hold.
my soul cries, and I begin to hate myself for allowing these feelings.

Nothing will change.
Nothing ever changes.

I'm the one who has to change.
 
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gad
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11/22/06 12:22 AM
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It's like sitting shiva while they're still alive.

I hope you find comfort soon.
 
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Belly
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11/22/06 8:14 AM
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Debbi I wish I could take away your pain.

Loosing one's mother is extremly hard.

My friend's mother died 26 years ago, when she was a little kid. She still misses her and has a hard time around her Yahrzeit.
(I know your situation about loosing your mother is very different from my friend's but I though it's ok to compare the situation since I'm comparing the feelings of loosing someone loved.)

I so much understand your feelings. I have learned through my friend that as much as someone can want to go on with life, and no matter for what reason people lost their mother, she will always be missed. I believe that you can learn to live with not having a mother, but I think it will alway be a sensitive/painfull issue.

What I'm trying to say is don't be hard on yourself for logically understanding the situation, but feelings so sad, awful....
10 months is a short time, when you look at it from outside. Grieving is painfull and takes time.

I wish you lot's of strengh.
Belly


Edited: 11/22/06 at 8:18 AM by Belly
 
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Debbi
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11/22/06 9:52 AM
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"sitting shiva while they are alive"
That sounds so callous... so crazy...

I don't think thats how it really is.
I can mourn the loss, but sitting shiva sounds like a termination. And I still have hope. Thats what keeps me going... the tiny sparks of hope which flash inside me from time to time..

This morning I feel even more detached than usual, but not in the sense that I can't do things around the house. B"H I am coping well with cooking supper, laundry etc. I just feel really distant from any thoughts or feelings concerning my family.
Kind of numb.
I hate feeling numb.
This morning while making a cup of coffee, a drop of hot water accidently spilt on my hand, I felt a flash of pain, and unbelievably I felt better for a few moments.
The pain brought me back some feeling.
I'm not crazy, just sad and very much alone.
alone in my pain and sorrow.

sorry for sounding so negative.
I think I need a spark of something...some hope....something happy...



 
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Holding on
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11/22/06 10:54 AM
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Sorry to hear that you are in soo much pain, Debbi. I feel w/ you.

Yesterday when I went to my T, we were discussing how I was hoping that my father would recognize the pain I was going thru, that he would accept me for who I am... (And stop putting me down). And for the upteenth time, I tried telling myself that it was his limitation, not my fault, that he can't show his love for me, or accept my feelings, letting them have a right to exist. (that's part of why I have a hard time w/ feelings in general. They must be wrong, it's my fault and I should work on myself... all for feelings that are perfectly normal, and HAVE A RIGHT TO EXIST!) My T wanted me to see that it was his limitation and accept it as that, but it is so hard. It's giving up on a dream of every child.
The more you love someone, or the more someone means to you, the harder it is to accept that they will never be able to be there for you, each in the way we need it most.
Your mother can't accept what your father did to you, so she cannot face you.
My father can't accept a lot of the feelings I have as being valid, can't show me his love, so i cry about that.

In my case, the sooner I accept his limitation, the sooner I don't give hime the power over me to 'ok' my feelings, (which is a large part of who I am), the sooner I can move on and feel better about myself.
If you wish to hold onto the hope that your mother will someday be able to speak to you... accept what your father did, you can go on and do that, but you might gain a lot from giving it up. It's hard and I'm still working on giving up that dream w/ my father, but in the end I will grow stronger from doing that.

I don't mean to hurt you, or invalidate your pain, but try and see what will help you in the long run.

Hugs,
H.O.
 
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gad
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11/22/06 1:41 PM
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Debbi, Good point. There is hope that things will improve.

I hope that happens soon.
 
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kivunulo
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11/23/06 12:16 AM
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i feel the urge to do something to ease your pain even a little, because i feel your pain, but i really have nothing to say, nothing to compare, so i will tell you that i cry with you, and hope with you . (i dont know if it helps much but thats all i could do).

"gam ki elech begai tzalmaves lo ira rah ki ata imadi" - "though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me" (tehillim 23,6). g-d's crying with you


Edited: 11/23/06 at 12:22 AM by kivunulo
 
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Debbi
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11/23/06 10:47 AM
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Thanks for all the support,

I wish I could imbue some sense of spirituality into my being.

I am feeling a tremendous amount of pain.
It hurts so much, it almost feels physical.

I feel despair, anguish, and a deep sense of sorrow.
I don't know why I should feel this way. I have B'h a supportive husband, beautiful well behaved children, and a good job, there is no reason for me to be feeling so down and hateful towards myself.

last night as I sat in the silence of my kitchen, all I could think of was the wonderous peace I may feel if I could kill myself.
(and please all you quoters out there, don't go off the deep end, about how my neshomo will rot in hell if I even try to commit suicide....I know...okay? I know!)

But the pain is so enormous, I need to run away from it. But how does one run away from ones self?
Impossible.

What is this pain?
What am I feeling?
I feel lost, alone, as though the inside part of me is slowly dissapearing.
I feel useless, hopeless, stupid, and undeserving.
Why?
Why do I feel this way?
How did I get like this?

Is it all projection?
Is this what my father unloaded onto me, and unconciously I took it all upon myself?
And if so, how do I get rid of it, without destroying myself?

Questions and more questions
all with no answers.
 
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aquabelle
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11/23/06 11:54 AM
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I know what it's like to feel that horrible and hurt that bad. I also know that when a person feels that bad, they need to go to the hospital to stay safe. As bad as it is to b hospitalized, at least u'll b safe while ur there. Debbi, if u won't let urself b hospitalized for urself, at least let urself b hospitalized for ur supportive husband and beautiful children.
 
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gad
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11/25/06 10:16 PM
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Debbi, you ask for some spirituality to internalize.

The world is a garden. The fruit are beautiful and delicious, the flowers are colorful and give a wonderful scent. Water trickles by a nearby brook, and all is calm and peaceful.

The world is a garden, and there is meaning and beauty in every step.

When there is suffering G-d forbid, and things seem so painful and hopeless, we remember that the world is a garden, and that someday soon we will appreciate it so much.

Have a Gut Voch, and you should have good news.
 
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kivunulo
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11/25/06 10:40 PM
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forget it then, i guess...


Edited: 11/27/06 at 11:09 PM by kivunulo
 
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Debbi
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11/26/06 12:22 PM
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wow! Menachem,
That makes two quoters on board.

I am sure everything u said was right, although to be honest I couldn't follow all of it. Sorry, my brain doesn't work very easily when I am in pain, as well as the fact that I am not on such a spiritually high level as u sound. But thank you for putting so much effort into your post.

Aquabelle, I don't think being hospitalised will help me at this point, (although I wish I could, just so that i could sleep all day) just because of the fact that my children would suffer immensely if I was.
I have done it before, and it really did give me a break, and allowed me to gather strength for the next onslaught of therapy. But it was really too much for for my hsband and kids.

I'm still feeling so alone, wishing I could talk to some friends, or my therapist. But I can't reach out to them anymore, I feel like such a freak for being like this after so many years of therapy.
Shouldn't I be "normal" by now??

I'm tired really, tired of struggling, and just wanting to give into my destructive impulses. (don't worry, I am safe for sure)
Tommorow, I see my therapist again, but don't have the energy to do any work. A waste of money really, except for the fact that I feel comfort just being in the room with her. Even if I doze off for half the session, it still brings me some measure of comfort! Wierd. I know!
I suppose that means thatI trust her enough to close my eyes for a few moments.

I feel tired all the time now, so that when I go to her office, and the sun shines directly through her window, onto the couch I sit on, I automatically feel drowsy, and I start to drift off.
She probably hates me by now. Client from hell. Sleeping instead of working. And she just sits there watching me sleep, while I'm so tired, I don't even care if she sees me sleeping. She will probably be glad when i stop seeing her. Who needs someone like me???

okay, better stop, before i go off on a tangent.
debbi
 
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ernie55B
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11/26/06 9:34 PM
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Hi Debbi,

I saw an ad in the Jewish Press the other day and I thought of you. There is a new organization looking to train women to be volunteers to talk on the phone to victims of abuse.
I honestly believe that if you got involved in a chesed project like this, it would relieve alot of your suffering.
Any chesed work is good therapy, but this in particular would be good for you as you could empathize with anyone who called.
Think about it. Please!

Ernie
 
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ernie55B
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11/26/06 10:10 PM
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Debbi,

The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Rather than let this awful experience destroy you, why not try and make something positive come of it?

E
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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11/26/06 11:42 PM
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Ernie-
Your idea is a good one and, as usual, well intentioned. Support groups are very popular, and the desire for people to give chizuk to others who have suffered similar problems is certainly admirable. However, I also think that caution should be employed b/c people can sometimes "bite off more than they can chew".
a lynn
 
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Debbi
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11/27/06 10:39 PM
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thanks ernie,

can u give some further information? phone # etc
thanks
 
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ernie55B
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11/28/06 9:17 AM
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Debbi,

I can't believe this. I just threw out this weeks JP by mistake. I will ask a friend if they have it, and get that #.
I'm so glad you have some interest.

Ernie
 
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Debbi
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11/28/06 3:05 PM
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i shld have this weeks newspaper, i'll check too.
 
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Debbi
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11/28/06 10:56 PM
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I checked the whole paper, but couldn't find anything.

hope u can get it for me.

Dr. Lynn, I will definitely heed your advice. thanks.
 
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ernie55B
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11/28/06 11:26 PM
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Not yet, but I will get it for you, don't you worry!

E
 
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Debbi
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11/29/06 9:59 AM
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thank you,
hope u r okay.
debbi
 
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ernie55B
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11/29/06 2:06 PM
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Hi Debbi,

Really sorry; it wasn't the JP, it was the Five Towns Jewish Times paper. Hope you didn't spend too much time looking.
The # is 347-342-5690.

Ernie
p.s. I'm doing somewhat better, but I will feel ALOT better if you get into this and it helps you!
 
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redhead
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11/29/06 2:24 PM
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hi debby
i'm new here, but i can identify alot with your pain and i must say i agree alot with that idea of reaching out. ive done it too and it has helped move the focus away from myself and my circle of pain, in a posotive way, even if just temparly. it also helps me to know that through my pain i can still reach out and help another or offer hope...all from my own experience. i also find time as my greatest healer. i know alot about that tirednees too, although i can have a sense when it is emotional or physical. i get stuck alot too. and it really sucks. i know it passes, it always does, but i have a hard time accepting my feelings and my state of being as it is even for just a moment at a time. i just want the power to change it, and be okay again, but i think that for me serenity will come with acceptance. focusing my energy on the next right thing.
my lunch break up
gotta get back to work.
glad to know of this place

bye for now
redhead
 
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ernie55B
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11/29/06 3:26 PM
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I'm starting to feel better already!
 
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superrepentant
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11/29/06 10:11 PM
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do you ( or anyone ) know of a group or organisation that helps mentally/emotionally challenged people in finding shiduchim?
 
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