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TOPIC TITLE: I'm a bit freaked out!! (adult content)
Created On 12/10/07 11:57 PM
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baruch
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Posts: 1
Joined: Dec 2007

12/10/07 11:57 PM
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I am approx 30 years old. I am happily married for almost 10 years with a son. I have a job that I like. I have never gotten along well with my father. He is a "Rabbi" and there are some people who hold him in high regard but I know that he is a creep. I could write pages about him but I don't feel the need because I have really emotionally detached myself from him. The only reason that I ever talk to him is because of my obligation of kibud av.

I have known for years (since I was a little boy) that he likes to look at pornography. I guess I was not shocked but rather disturbed by what happened a few days ago. I was at my parents house and I went downstairs to get something and I heard my father in his office on the phone having "phone-sex". This was full hard-core discussion and masterbation with a woman. Clearly not some 900 number, but a woman that he had some kind of relationship with. She may have been someone who was distrught and called him for counsel. I don't know.

I am freaked out. I hate him so much. He is married to my mother (who I love so much and bends over backwards to take care of him). He is such a jerk. After speaking to my Rabbi, he told me that my obligation of kibbud av is unchanged. I will have to listen to him tell me his holy thoughts as usual. I can't even look him in the face.

I have two main issues right now:
1. No one in my family ever gives my father any love or affection. All of his children hate him and I think that my mother is repulsed by him. In general, I tend to take responsibility for everything that happens, so naturally I feel some blame for the situation. No person can live without affection. Did we drive him to this by being cold to him. If so, what can I do about it now. It's not like I can go tell him "I love you" and give him a hug. He is such a despicable person and I am a bad actor.
2. This incident has destroyed my drive. The thought of being together with my wife is foreign. I don't know when I will be able to do it again. (This coupled with the fact that we have fertility issues and are supposed to stick to a schedule of sorts doen't help)

Any advice would be appreciated.
 
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HopefulMommy
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12/14/07 2:00 AM
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I am not Dr. Lynn, but I'd like to respond to your issue #1. It is not your responsibility to turn your father into a better person. You can't blame yourself for his problems. You are his child, not the other way around. You should feel proud of yourself that you were able to become the kind of person you are now, despite the kind of father you grew up with.

My father is not nearly as bad. He just has emotional problems and is hard to deal with. He is very dependent on others emotionally. For years, I felt that it was my responsibility to make him happy. That's how many children feel -- that when their parents are unhappy, it is their fault. But think about your relationship with your own child. Do you hold him responsible for your happiness? Or for your faults and flaws? Of course not. You don't see him as a cause of problems. Hopefully you see him as a source of nachas. That's how it should be. Try to think of your relationship with your father the same way.
 
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gad
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Posts: 1458
Joined: Jan 2006

12/15/07 8:16 PM
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I think you need a listening ear, someone who is "with you" who feels what you are going through.

Perhaps relief or nefesh can recommend someone like this.

I hope that you have good news soon. Have a gut voch.

 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
Psychologist

Posts: 914
Joined: Feb 2005

12/24/07 11:31 AM
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Well said, hopeful. Baruch, I think it important to re-examine your (overdeveloped) sense of responsibility. I think it is very unlikely that you and your siblings "drove" your father to this behavior.
a lynn
 
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