Login
Questions or Comments!
admin@frumsupport.com

Get FrumSupport News! Join our mailing list.
Email:


Search

Navigation:

 Tehilim List  < Refresh >
TOPIC TITLE: need instruction how to educate daughter on .....
Created On 2/5/09 12:43 AM
Topic View:

View thread in raw text format


justso
Supporter

Posts: 50
Joined: Sep 2008

2/5/09 12:43 AM
User is offline

I don't know if this is the best place to post this, but here goes:

My dd just finished therapy. The therapist had 2 important suggestions: 1) bkz she made so much progress by going to camp last summer, she should not only go again, but go for 2 sessions; and 2) I should seriously consider sending to a boarding high school

background: daughter is having a difficult time with my husband, her step-father; as am I ... a lot of bullying, verbal abuse...

2 weeks ago, my daughter said my husband slapped her. (I don't want to relate the whole story) I didn't know how to react. Several days later, I mentioned it to my therapist who is legally mandated to report this. We reported it together in her office during my session. I took my daughter to see the Child Protective Services social worker. to make a long story short, the social worker told me he was closing the case because she said she wasn't hit. (btw, ths is the 2nd time we've had contact with CPS)

I had a talk with my daughter and asked why she "denied" the slap. She said "I didn't deny, the social worker didn't ask me if I was..." "he asked me how am I disciplined, and I told him the 'usual' way."

I pondered this a lot. Whether she was indeed hit or not is not my issue for this particular post. I am very concerned about sending her away since kids who are from troubled families are often victims of exploitation and abuse. Perpertrators seem to have speacial radar. So I told her I was concerned about her ability to stand up for herself since people who take advantage of kids can be very manipulative. If you can't say, "no" or are afraid or reluctant to report, this is a big concern for me. Her response was that she resents having to be responsilble for "report" (as though she is responsible for fixing the problem...)

Anyway, I need someone to instruct me how to educate about this in a proper way -- without scaring her, or introducing inappropriate info. Her therapist's assignments has been changed and I don't think I can use her for this. I think it should be someone frum and familar with the dynamics of how abuse occurs in the frum community. Can someone, Dr. Lynn please guide me on this. I want to be a responsible parent. The time is ripe since the conversation I had with my daughter was just a day ago.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



gad
Senior Supporter

Posts: 1458
Joined: Jan 2006

2/5/09 12:59 AM
User is offline

I know you wrote to Dr. Lynn, but I hope no one will mind if I make a suggestion.

Maybe you can ask your family doctor to talk to her.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



4702125952
Supporter

Posts: 137
Joined: Feb 2006

2/5/09 8:09 PM
User is offline

Good for you for wanting to be a responsible parent. Sounds like you are doing all the right things. At this point, I think your daughter has gotten the message: you care; you are willing to take serious steps to protect her from abuse. You shared your concern with your daughter about her having the 'gumption' to stand up for herself. I think she will be up to this resposiblity because you have modeled correct action yourself.

But you say you , too, are subjected to 'bullying and verbal abuse' so I think you need to protect/assert yourself. It's the model you project that will ultimately make a difference.

How can you help yourself?
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



justso
Supporter

Posts: 50
Joined: Sep 2008

2/9/09 5:51 PM
User is offline

gad & 4702125952, thank you for the kind suggestions.

I was requested to bring my daughter in to speak with a police woman. I used this opportunity to speak with my daughter about the subject again in the car before we went in. I told her it is her choice what to say. I know it feels unfair to HAVE TO protect yourself -- ie that there people who are not respectful... But this is regrectful reality. I told her about when I taught PE at BY, we had someone come in to teach the girls self-defense. I gave a schmooze to the girls that the Torah teaches us to take care of ourselves. I know that in being reared to be tzinua we are often expected to be compliant. But it is our obligation not to be be "nice" when someone is disrespectful to us. It is our obligation to fight against evil. When someone wants to harm us this is evil.

Regarding, modeling self-respect -- this is an ongoing parsha I am working on. I am doing much better since I started the DBT program/therapy/meds. My husband spoke with the policewoman on the phone today. As would be expected, he was upset that the police were brought into our family life. I told him, that rather than focus on who made the call into the police, we should use this as an opporunity to work on our shalom bayit issues. We had a constructive discussion.

Hashem is giving me ezra from several directions and the strength & courage to impliment. Thank you so much for taking the time to give me the chizuk. it helps to know people understand and care.


Edited: 2/9/09 at 5:55 PM by justso
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Aba
Senior Supporter

Posts: 546
Joined: Jul 2008

2/10/09 8:07 AM
User is offline View users profile

Wow I'm very impressed how you are handling this. May Hashem bless you all with much Sholom Bais.
Keep it up,
Aba


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



justso
Supporter

Posts: 50
Joined: Sep 2008

2/17/09 12:00 AM
User is offline

abaof4 -- thanks, v'amen. Things go up and down don't they? I am reaping the benefits of the DBT training, baruch Hashem. The next challenge is to get out of isolation and rekindle friendships again....

Because of stigma I am having some issues about how to approach high school's for dd. Its enough that the current school knows "about me."

I looked into a BY school that has a dorm. My dd is going to its shabbaton along with several local girls. She would be the only one going to "check it out" as a school. I have heard good things about the school, but I wonder if it might be too shtark for her.

My dd is basically a good girl but she has a interest in the "outside" world -- clothes, secular books, etc. My dh thinks it is dangerous to send her to board. As I said earlier, her therapist thinks it is important that she does go away. Can anyone recommend a rebbetzin who can help me sort this out? I feel that this is a make or break moment in her life. Dh wants to go to Eretz Yisrael. As many of us are aware its not ideal to move to Israel with a teen. My dh thinks I'm just looking for problems. If I could find a school that intergrates anglo kids then there is a possibility.

I love her and would miss her, but if going away is the best, then I will do my best to facilitate this.

I am sorry if this isn't the place to post this. If there is a more appropriate place to post this, please let me know.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Aba
Senior Supporter

Posts: 546
Joined: Jul 2008

2/17/09 1:52 PM
User is offline View users profile

I just want to say it is fascinating how similar our families are.
Wife is learning DBT (Ema just started last week)
Husband wants to live in Eretz Yisroel (but isn't due to well being of the family)
For Son starting high school next year we are looking into dorm schools.

I don't know if it is much of a consolation for your husband but Rabbi Pinchus Winston (http://web.mac.com/pwinston/iWeb/Site%2018/THIRTYSIX.ORG/THIRTYSIX.ORG.html) says if you really want to go but really can't, which I think we would fit into, we will get credit as if we went.

Kol Tuv,
Aba


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden

Edited: 2/17/09 at 1:53 PM by Aba
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



justso
Supporter

Posts: 50
Joined: Sep 2008

2/18/09 3:32 AM
User is offline

abaof4 -- tell your wife that DBT is great! Its worth all the effort that is put into it. I am reaping a lot from the training daily. My dh & I are getting along better. Remind her that doing her DBT diary card is like doing heshbon hanefesh and there is s'char in it. I find that by expanding the the purpose of the DBT skills training to include my spiritual goals of working on middot has been an asset to keeping me motivated. (which the other participants seem to lack) It is also very helpful for parenting too.

the thing to remember is that all the components of the program are important: class, one-on-one therapy, diary cards (and I add: hazera of materials)

I only wish I could get dh to join me in couple's counseling. I saw a book on applying dbt skills in couple's therapy. Your wife and kids are blessed to have someone educated and supportive as the head of the family. It makes a big differance not to have to deal with stigma in one's own home. (sigh) do you have a rav who is in the know and savvy about what's going on? I would like to speak to a mental health savvy rav. BPD is such a loaded label.

I don't know what Israel has as far as maintaince level care, but I do know that there is a "Recovery Inc." group there. Check out the recovery-inc.org website for more info. The EMETT method (Feldheim books) is based on the Recovery method of Dr. Low.

I invite your wife to pm me on this site if she wants to schmooze or get chizuk.

refuah shlemah and hatzlaha raba!
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     

View thread in raw text format
FORUMS > Ask Dr. Lynn < Refresh >

Navigation:

The information in this site is not intended to replace the advice of a doctor. FrumSupport disclaims any liability for the decisions you, the User, makes based on information on this site. By using this site, reading, viewing, posting or otherwise, you signify your assent to the Terms and Conditions of Use. If you do not agree to all these Terms and Conditions of Use, please do not use this site. FrumSupport may revise and update these Terms and Conditions of Use at anytime. Your continued usage of FrumSupport will mean you accept those changes.

If you think you or someone you know has a medical emergency, call your doctor, Hatzolah or 911 immediately. FrumSupport cannot and does not monitor forums and postings and cannot and will not pro-actively obtain help for users in need as FrumSupport does not have the funds or people power to accomplish such tasks and it will infringe on the anonymity of each user. Therefore, FrumSupport’s liability is limited by this paragraph and as further set forth in the Terms and Conditions of Use.