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TOPIC TITLE: dr. lynn
Created On 6/30/10 2:44 PM
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at a loss what to do
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6/30/10 2:44 PM
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hi,
i am wondering what i should do. when i was 10 i had a one time incident with my brother. where i was taken advantage of in a s..ual way. i don't know if i should ignore it like i did all the years or do something about it. i am now 30, and not married. i never thought of this as possibly getting in my way, but now i'm not sure. not so much as in issues of fear of touch, but maybe subconsciosly i don't feel like i deserve to get married. if i think about intimacy in marriage i do get a little scared. this only came up recently . i went to an alternative doctor who asked me if i'm holding on to a trauma. i never really thought of it as a trauma, is it? my biggest issue with this is if i do think about it, is strong feeling s of shame, and guilt, and blame. of myself, not of my brother. because it's not like i was "forced" into it. ( i guess in a way i was) he started asking me things( which i didn't know about these things until then. i remember feeling uncomfortable, but i did let it happen. it's not like i was physically forced into it.(although i was 10 and until he came to me i had never heard of s-x,i do remember feeling very uncomfortable ) so i don't feel like i can ever forgive myself for this. really it was my fault. and i think i even enjoyed it.or i don't know if i really enjoyed it then , but i missed the feeling after until this day. i never wouldve known what its like if that didnt happen. and so in a wway i feel like i should just leave this whole thing. because if i go into it like with therapy or something, then it just digs me deeper and deeper into it and i realize i'm a really bad person. the a;ternative doctor i went to was working on it energetically, and he kept saying its not my fault its the other persons. but i dont believe that and he doesnt know that i let it happen. so why shuld i deserve to let it go.
and i dont even know is this considered a trauma? i wasnt "forced" . is it normal to want that feeling and to every now and then make myself feel it.? i know it's not ok and im discusted . but i dont know what to think whos at fault?
and even if its not me im still responsable for my actions?


Edited: 10/6/10 at 11:55 PM by at a loss what to do
 
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tova
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7/1/10 1:07 PM
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I'm not Dr. Lynn but if it's okay I would like to give my opinion.

I'm around your age and unfortunately understand your dilema "too well". Your feelings about it makes a lot of sense and your reactions to it as well. It is possible for your body to hold on to the trauma. Yes, any child that gets s--ually stimulated is traumatized whether it felt good or not. Your body tells the truth. Know that it was not your fault.
I found therapy very helpful in working through the feelings, guilt, and shame.
I wish you the best!
Tova
 
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at a loss what to do
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7/1/10 4:07 PM
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thank you very much for replying. and it's good to hear from someone else. what kind of therapy did you use? i am not ok talking about it at all. i'm also wondering are you married?
 
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tova
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7/1/10 7:30 PM
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Naturally, you are not comfortable talking about it. It's not a very comfortable topic...
I am married.
Like you, I ignored it for all those years. I was ashamed and frightened by the thought of it. I kind of thought that if I ignore it then it'll go away... but it did not. It all came back full force when I got married. It took a few years for me to put the two together... The emotional damage was not worth it. I wish I would have known then what I know today.
Therapy is hard but a blessing. It saved my life.
Good luck!
 
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tova
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7/1/10 7:33 PM
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Btw, there's a website for jewish survivors of s-x abuse called allussheffelech.com
You might find it interesting...
 
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at a loss what to do
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7/2/10 3:42 AM
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Edited: 11/20/10 at 11:07 PM by at a loss what to do
 
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at a loss what to do
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i tried the website and it doesnt work .did you send me the right one?
 
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at a loss what to do
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Edited: 11/21/10 at 9:43 PM by at a loss what to do
 
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tova
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7/2/10 10:19 AM
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I'm not a rabbi so I cannot tell you if it's right or wrong to see a man. If it doesn't feel right to you then why don't you ask someone?

It sounds like you are doing energy work...are you?

Therapy works differently for everyone. For me it was long term. Doesn't mean that it will be for you. I did hear of people releasing the trauma through body work without talking. If you think it can work for you then give it a fair try. Jumping from one thing to the other sure ain't helpful. I only thing that a therapist can help you gain clarity and help you let go of all that guilt and shame. Having a therapist doesn't mean you should give up the Dr. The two can work very well together.

I guess Dr. Lynn would be better equiped to answer you on this one.
 
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at a loss what to do
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Edited: 11/20/10 at 11:08 PM by at a loss what to do
 
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tova
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7/4/10 9:38 PM
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I honestly cannot tell you if what you experienced was or wasn't abusive. Only you can know that. What difference does it make anyway? If it affected you, then work it. If it did not, then let it go.
In my opinion, if the energy work feels right then you should trust the process. There are many ways to heal. See where it takes you.
 
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su7kids
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7/4/10 9:45 PM
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What is the age difference between you and your brother? Could it have been just "childhood experimentation"? I think at 10 there is hardly any way you would know that this is not appropriate for brother and sister. I think "theoretically" if the age difference is about 2 o4 3 years or less, its not considered "molestation" in the actual sense of the word, but mere experimentation.

And it as not wrong to enjoy it. Our bodies are MADE to enjoy this.


-------------------------
Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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at a loss what to do
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Edited: 12/8/10 at 8:43 PM by at a loss what to do
 
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su7kids
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7/4/10 11:31 PM
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Personally, I'm a believe in the energy stuff, I would do EFT or something like that, rather than "explore my feelings".

But it can't hurt to do a bit of therapy. Maybe to learn coping tools which can help you in life, in general.


-------------------------
Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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at a loss what to do
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7/4/10 11:56 PM
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i had tried eft a few months ago and couldnt do it, because i wasnt even willing to think abotu it and i needed 2 do that in order to take care of it. th eenrgy work im doing now i dont have 2 think of it to do it. but i still seee that because i opened this up by trying to heal it. i am still feeling emotionallly drained and raw after a session of the energy healing......even though i dont need to say anythign about it....
 
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su7kids
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Maybe you're ready for the EFT now. Speak to the person who did it with you and maybe they can work on smaller issues first.


-------------------------
Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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at a loss what to do
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Edited: 11/20/10 at 11:05 PM by at a loss what to do
 
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st93
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at a loss what to do:
im 16 now but i went through pretty much the same thing u did except it wasnt my brother just someone i knew for a week i wasnt forced i knew wat i was getting myself into i was 14.
till today i didnt get over it one bit im still traumatized and terrified ive went to therapy countless times but it never helped. i was told i have ptsd: post traumatic stress disorder and it can last yrs but slowly by slowly im getting over it. i am terrified to get married cuz im scared tht ill just keep on comparing everything tht happened with my husband.
i share ur pain if it helps
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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7/6/10 10:35 PM
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The feelings you are reporting are really normal. I personally recommend EMDR, especially if the traumatic events are vivid in your mind and disturbing when you think about them. You can look on the website, EMDR.com for more info and/or ask me about it here or in a private mesaage.
a lynn
 
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at a loss what to do
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7/10/10 6:28 PM
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dr. lynn ,how do i send you a private message?
 
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at a loss what to do
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7/11/10 3:58 PM
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does anyone know how i can send dr. lynn a private message?
 
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toy123
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7/11/10 5:06 PM
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click on the lock on the upper right side in any box that dr lynn wrote. a box should pop open and u can send your message. (Hope that's clear)


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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7/13/10 12:35 PM
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The icon that looks like a lock.
a lynn
 
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