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TOPIC TITLE: Second chances
Created On 7/10/13 5:41 PM
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Mimi1022
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7/10/13 5:41 PM
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Hi Dr. Lynn,

Lately, friends from a former life have been reaching out to me.
How do you know when to give someone a second chance (because after a couple years people do change) or whether not to reconsider her (because this girl was not normal a few years ago, and I don't want to pursue something that is a dead end)?

Thanks.
 
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TBear
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7/12/13 6:28 PM
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Hopefully Dr. Lynn will have some good guidelines...

I know when that happened for me - it really depended on the issue the person had - and whether or not I could maintain a cordial but distant relationship if needed.

Use caution, pray for insight and pay attention to your "gut" feeling is all I was ever told....

Good Luck ~
 
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channafofanna
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7/13/13 10:18 PM
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I just read today that people who are physicaly abusive rarely ever change- just thought maybe the reason I read that was to realy the info to you, so im puttin git out there, but i dont know your situation so it could just be totaly unaplicable...
hatzlacha!!
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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8/29/13 10:39 AM
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Mimi-
Of course these things are case by case situations, based on what ended the relationship before. There are some times when I would not look back and keep walking, and there are other times when I would be willing to see if "anything substantively changed"? Are you willing to be more specific?
a lynn
 
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Mimi1022
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8/29/13 12:23 PM
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To be honest I don't know. I work at a well-known financial institution and a lot of people hock me to help them get a job. She works in a firm known to be a "springboard" of sorts to get to the bigger banks. Hard to explain without naming names but you get my drift.

My hesitation stems in part from not wanting to be used.

On the other hand, we are both in our 20's, and I feel some compassion for her because after she got divorced at 21, no one wanted anything to do with her. I have compassion but on the other hand she can be described as narcissistic and "uses" people for her own benefit. I know people like her who will only talk to you if they can "get" something out of you, and it is not a nice feeling.

What ended the relationship was her threatening email. I had left a small bag at her house and she sent this email. We work 2 blocks away from each other; she had to send a nasty email to me to come pick it up at her house 2 hours away? I had heard other people warn me.

So part of me thinks she is not reaching out to me because she is a changed person but because she just wants a job at this place I work.


Edited: 8/29/13 at 3:06 PM by Mimi1022
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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Joined: Feb 2005

9/9/13 2:22 PM
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Mimi,
Do you have to be friends to help her get a job? If she gets the job, do you then have to be friends? Because she hurt you, you don't want to help her? Assume she IS trying to use you, can you live with that?
a lynn
 
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