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TOPIC TITLE: problem with teen son
Created On 7/9/06 12:19 PM
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motherof5
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7/9/06 12:19 PM
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Dear Dr Lynn


Wanted to ask your advice about our 15 year old son who has been acting out badly lately.
We are parents of 5 and this son is our second son.
The problem is that lately whenever he wants something from us eather money or for igzample last night he went out and we gave him an hour when he should be back wich is late enough on a saterday night at 12 pm, he called us at that time asking if he can sleep over by a friend, i asked him who the friend was and where does he live , he did not give us a clear answer, so i told him that he cannot sleep over by someone that we dont know and that he should come home immedietly. well as usule he argued and asked , please, please, when he saw that our asnwer is no, he got angry and started cursing using why the f not. and s words, really acting ugly , i told im that i expect him to be home within 10 minutes.
he didnt show up home till 2 am. i didnt say anything to him acually ignored him.
this is not the first time that he gets angry when he doesnt get his way. every time he start cursing and realy acting ugly.
My husband and i decided that till he learns to control his anger and talk to us with respect he wont get nothing from us.
none of my other kids ever use fanities or curses, niether my husband and i have ever used bad words, so it is vey shocking to us that he is acting that way.
He probebly needs some therepy to help him deal with anger yet what can we do about it. and what is the best reaction that we should be doing when he gets that way and starts using bad words. mind you you are talking about a smart kid.
would appreciete sme advice
thanks
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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7/13/06 1:07 AM
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I usually advocate honest but RESPECTFUL discussion btwn parents and teenagers. I think that during teenage years, it is important to reinforce the issues of responsibility and consequences, which you did. It is important that the parents remain calm, level-headed yet firm and no-nonsense. Is your son interested in therapy? Perhaps family therapy can be a possibility as well? You should also know that it is not easy, especially these days, to raise teenagers.
a lynn
 
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avious101
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7/19/07 9:28 PM
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DR. Lyyn? shouldnt they put a bar of soap in this kids mouth for at least a minute for his cursing?????????????????
if the kid thinks theyre accepting such horrible words wich dirty your mouth then of course he will continue using them until hes gone way to far
 
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frumsw
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7/21/07 11:51 PM
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I'm sure Dr. Lynn can give a much better answer than me but since he didn't post anything yet, I decided to put in my 2 cents. First of all, you can't physically do anything to a teenager-the Torah doesn't allow it plus it's not going to help anyway plus he can be bigger and stronger than his parents. There has to be consequences and communication between kids and their parents. Force never got you anywhere.


-------------------------
frumsw
 
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avious101
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7/22/07 11:23 AM
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sorry but it just bugs me when pple curse and dont get in trouble
 
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gad
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7/22/07 3:09 PM
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It needs to be with a balance.

Children need to know that when you reprimand them, you still love them.

If you wash their mouth with soap, they will probably resent it and harbor bad feelings, which eventually will probably surface later.

If you explain to them how you don't want this behavior, and at the same time that you tell them this, you are holding their hand, then they know that you love them, and they are more likely to want to continue to do good things.
 
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avious101
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7/22/07 6:58 PM
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sorry i just no for me that punishment works better and i no my parents love me cause they done so much so i cant think of it that way
anyway B"H usually no 1 has to be punished in my familly
and if they do its for staying up to late
unless its with me when i do s/t dangerous they wont let me do similar thingss but thats jut for my own good
 
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gad
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7/22/07 7:56 PM
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sounds good
 
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Dr. Lynn
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7/26/07 11:09 PM
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Soap in the mouth could work for small children (under 7 years old), but I would not recommend it for teenagers.
Frumsw, always feel free to add your 2 cents. I really appreciate your posts!
a lynn
 
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AK
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9/1/07 4:13 PM
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Hi,
IMHO you did well to state your position and ignore his coming late or language. From his point of view he is right to feel angry and to impose a consequence will just reinforce his perception that you are being unfair and don't understand him. It is hard to problem solve in the moment , but out of the moment over a treat etc one could try some CPS- collaborative problem solving. The first step is to get the kid onto your side by being empathetic, validating his feelings and let him put his concerns on the table , so he feels understood ,and you like wise put your concerns on the table. Then invite him to problem solve , trying to find a mutually satisfying solutions. If a kids needs are met through communication and win-win solutions, there is less power struggles and better and respectful language.
Our greatest tool is a good relationship. If you try to teach him a lesson by using consequences , he could try to do the same thing and teach you a lesson ! IMHO the way to communicate is to ask questions, don't be judgmental or criticise , at most describe what happened and try to come up with a better plan. It is not easy.
 
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