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TOPIC TITLE: Are you desperately looking for effective solutions??
Created On 11/23/05 1:08 PM
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frumtherapist
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11/23/05 1:08 PM
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I am just putting out some tentative feelers here. I have been asked to run a support/psychoed group for parents of children with behavioral issues - not based on diagnoses (e.g., ADHD, Bipolar, ODD, etc) of child, but based on their behavioral difficulties. I am willing to run such a group, and am also willing to explore its particular format. I am aware that many people who are otherwise very interested and in need of this are concerned with issues of confidentiality. That is why this forum is such a great place to begin this dialogue. Hopefully, you read this, resonate with the topic in some way, and respond. If not you, perhaps you pass the word on to family and friends about this site and this topic.
I am looking forward to your responses...
 
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SUSAN
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12/2/05 8:18 AM
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hi wanted to ask advice from the therepist about childrens bihaviours.
I have 5 kids 4 of them are boys bet the ages of 17,14,13,and 12.
My boys are usuly great kids. They have a great sence of humor and have alot of spirit and are basicly good natured,
The only problem is with them is when they get angry, especially my 13, and 12 year olds , they dont know how to control thier anger, When they get angry, for exzample when they fight or when they dont get what they want , they tend to, stamp thier feet hard , kick walls , or punch walls or what ever is in thier way, or they will jump on each other or sit on each other when fighting,
I tried to talk to them many times about their bihavior and how it is not a nice bihaviour and the they have to control thier anger,
I dont know where they got it from beacuse not me and not my husband act that way when we are angry,
How can i help them control thier anger or teach them to take out thier anger in a different way and not with kicking or punching walls and so on,
By the way the kids want us to fix up the house , but i tell them that as long as they are abusing my walls and doors or whatever in on thier way when they are angry i cannot fix the house up, just so that they will destroy it.
waiting for an advice
thanks
susan


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frumtherapist
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12/2/05 9:32 AM
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Susan - I'm glad you asked. If you actually stop to think about it, you know that your kids know that they should not be punching walls etc. when they get angery. Talking to them about how wrong it is, is not getting you any closer to solving the issue - and you probably keep on doing that because you don't have other effective options.

I can go on for pages here about my approach, but I will recommend a book and website instead- the book is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene and the website is www.explosivekids.org- there is also an available video that illustrates the principles in the book- My entire approach when I work with kida and parents is fundamentally built on the approach he calls "Collaborative Problem Solving" - the book is worth its weight in gold- once you've read it, I welcome your questions or further inquiries.
Enjoy your new path to effective parenting!
 
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SUSAN
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12/2/05 9:44 AM
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Thank you for your response
i defenetly will check out the website that you gave me,
I do want to help them control thier anger issues, I understand that they just dont know any other way to control themself , and it is something that can be worked on.
I just dont want them to grow up to be adults with anger issues. it wont be fair on thier future wifes and children.
thanks
susan


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smiling wont cost you a penny
 
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willnevergiveup
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12/5/05 9:54 AM
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Hi
Need some advice.
My 15 year old son is very talented in writing stories and songs , He happenes to love rap music, listen to it and to write it.
I am not happy about him listening to rap music especielly some of the lyrics which are very offensive language, He is aware of my dislike and tells me that he doesnt listen to the offensive songs with the bad language and so on. And usuly does not listen to it in front of me or my husband or sibilings,
Now for the main problem, the other day i was cleaning my sons room and happen to come upon a note book that my son like to write his stories and songs in it, I started reading it and some of his stories were very funny, but then i read the last rap song that he wrote and i was very disapointed and acually could not believe what i read, he wrote some type of a rap about his school and mainly about his rebbi and the language that he put in was terrible there were a few f curses and s and a few other offensive rude words,
I know that he doesnt fancy his rebbie too well, but i didnt think that he would ever write such offensive words, it looked like a rap that would fit one of those low life rappers would write.
I did aprouch him about what he wrote, at first he told me why am i looking at his private things, I explained to him that first of all it was out there for everyone to see, and second of all, i told him that i think that he is a very talented kid and he writes really great stuff , so i love to read his stories and even his rap songs, beacuse some of them are written very nicly,
But that i was really shocked with the last rap that he wrote with all the terreble language, I am so disapointed beacuse i didnt think that me son would stoop that low, And i didnt raise you that way,
I hope that I said the right thing,,, Also i asked him to tair the pages from his book beacuse i didnt want to take the chance that his brothers will read it or even his father.
He was willing to tair the pages out, and told me not to tell his father,
We continued to talk and i told him please dont stop writing beacuse you are very talented , just when you write please use clean language beacuse you can get your massege through without using bad language,
He seemed abit angry with me i geuss for telling him what to do , but promised not to write that stuff any more.
I also asked him why did you write that stuff about your rebbi, is he bothering you, He just said , beacuse I felt like it.
Also i told him that with what i read it just prooves to me how bad it is to listen to all the rap music . his reaction was all my friends listen to that music, so i told him that if it teaches you all that bad language and you have a need to write it down on paper it is not a good thing.
So my question is was my reaction the right reaction , or should i have just left it alone and not say anything,
I was just very shocked and felt that i have to say something,
 
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frumtherapist
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12/5/05 2:14 PM
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Hi willnever- I will share my thoughts: firstly, some general rules that are very important when raising teens: never inspect their rooms and belongings behind their backs. It is sneaky and not condusive to an open and honest relationship. If he/she ever finds out, they feel violated and you are unwittingly modeling for them sneaky behavior. Secondly, unless their are severe mitigating circumstances, 1 parent should never agree to a "deal" whereby they withhold info. from the other parent. It only serves to split the parents, and undermines the others' authority.
I think it is appropiate for you to have certain rules and expectations in your house that are consistent with your values and beliefe, e.g., no swearing or rude language. However, I do NOT think it is appropriate for you to set rules for your child with regards to his/her private writings, even if he/she is being inappropiate, in your opinion. Firstly, it is simply unenforcable; NEVER set a rule in the home that you cannot enforce. Secondly, it would be ok if he/she asked for your opinion and you shared it- it is also an error in your reasoning that your child would not write this way were it not for the music they listen to. Your child sounds creative, and is in his/her adolescense exploring and discovering themselves. You do not want to stifle that - you want to have many open discussions about concerns you have and what a healthy, growing teen looks like.
So in summation, less lecturing and sneaking, more open discussions and honest (appropriate) self-exploration and sharing!


Edited: 12/5/05 at 2:15 PM by frumtherapist
 
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willnevergiveup
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12/5/05 3:45 PM
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Hi Frumtherepist
You are right my son is a very creative and talented boy , and i dont want in any way to discorage him from his writing.
My reaction to what he wrote was beacuse i was shocked, In our house we do not use any bad language in any way, and my son has a very gentle character and i never thought that such language could come out of him.
but i guess like you wrote it is his/her adolescense exploring and discovering themselves. and that i shouldnt want to stifle that.
You are 100% right in saying that i should not keep anything from his father although this time I felt that nothing will be gained if i told his father about the writing and i really dont want to make a big deal about it.
I did have a long conversation with my son and i feel that we have a great and open relaitionship , he is a very sweet child and we laugh alot together , not only him but all my other kids. So that is why i felt open enough to tell him that i dont fancy the bad language.
I do try to stay away from my kids private things , and will do so in the future.
I did make sure to tell my son that his writing is great and that he should continue to write,
I geuss from now on i will ask permition to read his book before i do.
I guess the secret is to let my son be his own self and creative and hope that he will grow and understand what is appropiet and what is not.
so you say that it is natural for a teen to try to experiment in different ways and that i should just butt out!!!!!!
 
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frumtherapist
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12/5/05 5:02 PM
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butt out - never!
you are his parent and he needs you to be- but parent him with respect and consideration and sensitivity, which it sounds like you do most of the time anyway.

Hope this helped clarify things...
 
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willnevergiveup
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12/6/05 8:15 AM
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Yes i do try my best with all my kids, Its not easy now that they are teens.
They say little kids little trouble, and big kids big trouble.
But really they are good kids with healthy problems.
thanks for your help.
 
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ImaBP
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1/3/06 4:57 PM
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Hi frumtherapist. I'm glad you're available to help us out when it comes to our children. I just noticed this forum after being on the site for a few weeks.
I have a 18 month old girl who is as adorable as she can be and very smart. She speaks, is learning two languages english at home and Hebrew in her
little day class.
I myself am a Bipolar Mom, 41 and stable. I give her alot of attention, care and want the best for her.

I'm concerned about her emotions, and reactions to me and her father when we just touch each other. If he holds my hand or helps me put
my coat on. I once tried to cut his hair and she almost went hysterical. I couldn't understand her behavior. My husband said she probably experienced
something terrible in her past life. I'm deeply concerned!!
She cries when I put her clothes on in the morning, I say look at the birdy or sing a sone, trying to get her attention off of the dressing her.
At nighttime it's the same cry. I go through this day in and day out. She cries alot. She's clingy, however she is now enjoying her class and actually
today she didn't cry when she saw me pick her up she wanted to continue to play.
She cried however when we back at home. She cries when I change her diaper, she sucks her thumb almost constantly, but this thing about not
being able to touch my husband is so strange. Jealousy? at such a young age? A counselor mentioned she's over protective of us, at such a young age?
Isn't that a huge responsibility? She has such a deep sensitivity it's almost scary. She doesn't want doctors touching me, looking in my ear.
It's almost like she distrusts doctors. We went together since I couldn't speak the language otherwise I would've left her home. I will in the future
have someone watch her.
My husband gives her alot of attention. She craves it constantly. I can't cook, or do my art, and I'm concerned. How long do you let a child cry? Is there something
else that might be bothering her. I have to rock her at night. During the night she cries out as if she has nightmares, "Ima, Ima!!!!" I rarely get rest,
I lay awake wondering when she will cry again.
She was very colicky for 4 months, but that ended. I had to rock her constantly.
I'm very concerned. Can you help me?
Ima
 
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ImaBP
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1/4/06 3:27 PM
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Frumtherapist are you available to answer the above concern?
Thank you.
 
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frumtherapist
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1/6/06 9:07 AM
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Hi-
Firstly, I'm sorry for the delayed response; I come online and try to see if there are specific questions, and I must have missed yours-
Secondly, there could be several issues troubling your child, or a combination of several factors. I would recommend you seek a mental health professional who specializes in working with children. Your child could have sensory issues, she could also be experiencing adjustment issues - going to school, having to leave her parents, etc. It could be other things as well- it is simply impossible to give you any concrete advice at this point other than to recommend an evaluation and assessment.
Best of luck- it sounds like you are really on top of things with your child.
Frumtherapist
 
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ImaBP
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1/8/06 10:37 AM
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Thankyou frumtherapist. What do you mean by sensory issues? Is there a website that could explain this? She never crawled. She went straight
to walking at 14 months of age. Moms would say, "she needs to crawl, it will affect her if she doesn't. A Health professional came when we she was
really sick, so she missed out on being seen.
I was truly sad she missed this opportunity, however I will take her to a specialist. One counselor feels I'm being to concerned, that she looks
fine and she's going through a normal stage.
I appreciate your response.
 
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frumtherapist
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1/8/06 4:01 PM
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Hi-
I'm not overly concerned that your child missed the crawling stage. Some children do that.
Some children have sensory sensitivies, whether it is to their clothing, their collars, socks, etc. It is something that is better addressed at a young age, and occupational therapy can remediate this. In addition, the nightmares, and other anxiety behaviors you have described are best assessed through a competent child specialist.
Hatzlacha...
 
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ImaBP
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1/11/06 4:38 AM
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Thank you frumtherapist. I will look into this.
Ima
 
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frumsw
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1/27/06 1:12 AM
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Sounds like she has a sensory disorder-reacting very strongly to touch and being very clingy and crying. Check it out with an occupational therapist.


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frumsw
 
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4702125952
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2/8/06 10:22 PM
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Hi,

I have a 15 year old daughter who acts out a lot at home. I am a divorced mom; she has some organizational challenges -- can't get organized school papers and clothes all over her room. Academically she is doing well, very bright, and very social--lots of friends. Is very disrespectful and ungrateful towards me. Doesn't help out a whit. I'm starting to feel dislike, she's so obnoxious.

Please advise

Raisy
 
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frumtherapist
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2/10/06 9:20 AM
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Hi 470...,
You might want to give family therapy a shot- if she's doing well at school, despite her disorganization, her difficulties might well be due to anger and other feelings surrounding her parents' divorce. Joining her for some counseling would send her an important message: you see the problem as being a family issue - not your daughter being the "identified patient". Hatzlacha!
 
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4702125952
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2/18/09 6:08 PM
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Wow. I never read that response, frum therapist, an now it's three years later! My daughter is 19, now. The explosive issues we had have somewhat calmed down but I still sense that she is angry a lot of the time-with me, with the situation, I'm not sure. Would you recommend a good family therapist?
 
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frumsw
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3/16/09 12:34 PM
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Call RELIEF for a referral.


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frumsw
 
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tammy24
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4/28/09 2:57 PM
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Hi frumtherapist,
I am a young mother of two children, a 3 year old and a one year old.
we reacently moved to a small out of town community where my husband is teaching. there is only one choice of where to send my child to school its a JCC but there is really nothing jewish about it. my son is an extremly active child and i cant handle him all day so i have no choice but to send him. he recently started to pick up really negetive and violent behavior. he was always active but now he throws, kicks, bites, uses any toy he can think of and pretends to shoot with it. we dont have a tv so hes not getting it from home. he has stopped listening to me at all. i tried time out but its not working! what can i do to gain some control over him?
thanks so much!
 
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4702125952
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4/28/09 5:51 PM
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A suggestion: why not spend some time in his classroom, with permission of course, or perhaps drop by with an excuse of some sort, and see how your child interacts with the teachers and other children. Are the teachers firm but kind? Warm and caring? Enough superviosion going on? Ratio of teachers to children?

Another suggestion: perhaps start a playgroup of your own...are there other teachers where your husband teaches that may be interested in a more religiously oriented setting?
 
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personn
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3/14/10 4:16 AM
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hi ladies message me imda1best@gmail.com


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heyyyy
 
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