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TOPIC TITLE: how to deal with a very stuborn teens
Created On 5/3/06 11:22 PM
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SUSAN
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5/3/06 11:22 PM
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Hi frumtherepist
wanted to get some advice for you on how to deal with a very stuborn 15 year old son.
We are having some bihaviour problems with him, I dont know maybee it is a typical way teens act but my son can be very stuborn at times. for ebzample when he wants something , he will not give in very easily he is able to stand and nag us till we say yes to what he wants, like the other day juring yom tov while we were resting , he came in the room and asked me permition to go with a friend from flatbush to crown hieghts wich is a 2 hour walk.
He started the question by saying " you probebly will say no but....can i go"
we immedietly said no to him and explained to him that the reason he cant go is beacuse we are concerned about his safety beacuse he will be going through not so good neighborhood, and he will have to walk back home at night,
well he didnt take no for an answer and , naged us for an hour screaming and getting a fit. " why not" please, can i go and so on . my husband and i got really angry at him, first of all for nagging and second of all for destirbing us in our afternoon rest.
He ended saying i dont care i am going any way and marched out of the room.
I made a bet with my husband who thought that he went that he wont go, I was right he did not end up going and came back that eavning for the yom tov meal.
we didnt say anything to him. But were glad that my husband and i did not give in to him even if it killed us.
Now that is only 1 egzample of the way he is when he wants something,
He also has a nature not to listen if we tell him to come home a certain time he will say sure ok and end up coming home 2 hours later,( he will call to let us know where he is wich is good and i tell him that) but he does not keep his word when promising to listen to his cerfew.
It is very difficult to deal with him at times , he can get very moody, doesnt always get along with my husband, sometimes when my husband askes him where are you going or where have you been he may say none of your bussiness, which really gets my husband angry at him and it makes things worse, there are days that he is a doll, but most times he can be a real pain if you know what i mean, when i ask him how was school today , he doesnt want to answer. and when we dont give him what he wants...In his own words you ppiss me off.
Are we as parents doing the right thing and what tip can you give us so that we can pass this stage in his life and still save our sanity,,,, help!!!!!!


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frumtherapist
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5/6/06 11:33 PM
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Firstly, you are correct....teenagers are often hard to deal with. The teens themselves often feel like life is full of ups and downs, and they can often feel very moody, not even necessarily being able to pinpoint the source and cause of their negative feelings.
It is difficult to know if your son has a "problem" or is just trying to flex his adolescent muscles. I would recommend you read the book "The Explosive Child". Regardless whether your son has particular issues or not, it certainly seems like you and your husband are unwittingly fueling his anger. For example, he begins a request with I know you guys will say no, and then the first response you give is "no". You can learn the art of communicating more effectively with your children. In that scenario, for example, you could have begun by reassuring your child that you are not necessarily saying no, and then proceed to explain the problems his request presents you with. (Again, you can read more about this in the book I recommended.) If you feel like you are at your wit's end, it might be wise to consult with a professional for more in depth guidance.
B'Hatzlacha,
Frumtherapist
 
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SUSAN
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5/10/06 1:46 PM
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Dear FRumtherepist
Thank you for your responce.
You may be right by saying that We do need some help with how to communicate with our son, and other kids.
I will defenetly take your advice and do some reading on the subject. I feel it is soo difficuld and chalanging at times to deal with our son, and the first thing that comes to my mind when he askes for something difficult is acually to say yes ,ok, just go and stop nagging me, but then i feel like i am giving in to him very fast and he is controling me, or i feel sorry for him, When I know that saying yes will only make things worse, beacuse , #1 I will be worried about him.
#2 I am giving in too fast
#3 he will take advantege of my weaknesess and i have many.
So in a way it is easier to say no, and sometimes my son may convince me otherwise if for igzample he promises to be back at night when i ask him to be back and he acually keeps his word, so then i show him that if he does the right thing i can trust him and be more lenient with him.. But i guess there are other ways that will make our life much easier.
thanks again....


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frumtherapist
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5/10/06 4:40 PM
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Another thought to ponder:
There are really only 3 ways a parent can handle a child in any given situation -
1: Force the child to do the parents' will.
2: Attempt to work through the problem together with the child.
3: "Give in" and allow the child to have their way.

Obviously, the approach I advocate, ESPECIALLY with difficult children, is through #2.
Any other attempts are some combination and permutation of the 3 ways I just mentioned.
 
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SUSAN
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5/14/06 9:33 AM
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Dear frumtherapist

Thanks again.
I guess working out the situation with the child is always the best way to go even if it may be very difficult. But I think that nobody promised us a rose garden when it comes to raising our kids and even roses have thorns !



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feelingawful
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10/10/13 10:01 PM
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Hey Frum therepist could I
 
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feelingawful
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10/10/13 10:02 PM
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Chat with u
 
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