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TOPIC TITLE: my T is confusing me
Created On 7/4/07 12:53 AM
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su7kids
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7/13/07 1:24 AM
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Shtarke, I think even 5 minutes a day is great for where you are now. Remember, last week you weren't doing ANYTHING. Small baby steps, but as long as you're going forward, you'll make it, I know you will!!

Its amazing how fast you "caught on" and the progress you're making. I'm very impressed!!

And look, here you are, helping Avious to move forward, too!

Great going. Both of you will do it, I know you will.


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shtarkebachur
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7/13/07 10:18 AM
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hey! i don't know if i'm helping, i only just started helping myself so i don't think i know how help OTHER people, i still need 2 work a LOT on myself b4 i begin to u/s how this works so i can give advice to others. but i'm still trying to help and maybe the fact that i'm trying to help, helps avious. does it? i know that usually when i try to help people with emotional things i end up messing up and hurting them, so please tell me if i'm hurting you b/c i really have no idea how to help people except to show that i'm trying!!


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gad
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7/13/07 4:38 PM
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When you show someone that you care, that itself helps.

And even if sometimes you say the wrong thing, it's a learning experience for the future.

Have a good Shabbos, and a good time in camp.
 
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shtarkebachur
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7/26/07 11:08 PM
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hi! i'm working on it! i'm seeing some little changes. i feel better than i used to, more relaxed and happy. not much though. bye! seeya in 3 weeks!


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su7kids
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7/26/07 11:25 PM
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Changes are GREAT! Have a great 3 weeks.


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shtarkebachur
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7/26/07 11:42 PM
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i keep trying to think that people are not criticizin me but it feels like i'm coming up with a brick wall. i feel like i am lying when i say this to myself. i feel crazy b/c i know it's not true n im still thinking that people r angry at me. so i try to work on myself by thinking that people rn't angry, and s/t it helps 4 a 2nd but usually i just get frustrated b/c i see it doesn't work n i feel like it ain't worth to even try if i feel so horrible evvery time when it doesn't help!! but i want 2 become healthy. but it hurts so much to try!!


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gad
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7/27/07 3:39 AM
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The very first halocho in Shulchan Aruch is not to be embarrassed from people who scoff at you.
So even if people really were criticizing you, as long as you know that you are doing the right thing, what G-d wants you to do, then that's what's important.
Of course, as you wrote, the chances are that they are not criticizing you.
But even if they were, you have a way to persevere.
 
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shtarkebachur
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7/27/07 11:22 AM
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i heard that perfectionists don't have compassion 4 themselves . then i realized that this is why i find it so hard to compliment myself b/c the only reason to do so is to make myself feel better and since when does it matter how i feel? i have compassion though, just not for myself, only 4 others, and i do try to encourage and compliment people when i c they r down b/c i want 2 make thm feel better. so i decided that since i'm also a person who is down, why don't i compliment myself so i should feel better?

until now i was only endorsing myself in order to change myself into a healthier person, and when i do that i become a perfectionist and i totally ignore my own feelings in order to force myself to do what's necessary in order 2 become healthier, and that hurts me. but now i endorse myself by thinking that i am in such pain, and i have compassion 4 me just like i would 4 anyone else in my situation, and i try to make ME feel better by endorsing myself. it's better than hoping to get compassion from other people who don't care.


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su7kids
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7/27/07 11:30 AM
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Shtarke, I think that is progress, don't you? If you were your friend (and you should be your own friend) wouldn't you have compassion for your "friend"? Its a journey!! Keep traveling! You're going in the right direction.


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shtarkebachur
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7/27/07 11:54 AM
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it's a thousand times harder for me to b my OWN friend, though.


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su7kids
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7/27/07 12:01 PM
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Well, work on it, because you are a nice guy! LOL


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shtarkebachur
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7/27/07 12:20 PM
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hahaha!
at least you think so. well my parents still aren't so sure. in any case i don't respect their opinion much.


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su7kids
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7/27/07 9:03 PM
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See, if you don't respect their opinion, then, by default, you must agree with mine!! LOL ;-)


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shtarkebachur
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8/6/07 4:53 PM
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i try to think about the good things i do, and i keep thinking automatically about the imperfections in those things. i try to think about the good in me which by far outweighs the bad in me, and i see that i spend a very disproportionate amount of thinking about the bad which takes up only 1% of me, and i think only for a few minutes total about the good things i do which take up the vast majority of my actions. i know i deserve to think positively about myself for 99% of the time, and it is the truth because 99% of the time i try to be good. i am trying to do that. but in the end i see that as hard as i try i end up with only a feww split seconds at a time of thinking positive and it's only a few times a day, and it's so vague, but the negative thoughts go on for hours and they are so real. maybe i will be able to think positively for longer periods after i work on it for another while,i hope so.
but meanwhile i don't see how it is possible for me to ever change how i see myself if i think negatively about myself for hours and so vividly, and i only think goodd for a few seconds and so vaguely. i am trying to be optimistic but i don't feel any hope that i will really change. it seems so unrealistic.


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su7kids
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8/6/07 5:07 PM
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Are you a perfectionist? Are you having trouble FINDING good things about yourself to focus on?

What about the EFFORT y ou are making?


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gad
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8/6/07 6:24 PM
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Originally posted by: shtarkebachur
but meanwhile i don't see how it is possible for me to ever change how i see myself if i think negatively about myself for hours and so vividly, and i only think goodd for a few seconds and so vaguely. i am trying to be optimistic but i don't feel any hope that i will really change. it seems so unrealistic.



1. Have you discussed this with your therapist? Has your therapist offered advice or medication to help?

2.I once heard that a great Rebbe one advised someone to do what he does. When he (the Rebbe) sees that he himself is completely "farfallen" (good for nothing), "Iz lomir chotch toen der tzveiter a tova" (Let me at least do something good for another person.)
 
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shtarkebachur
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8/6/07 11:44 PM
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WELL AS I SAID, I TRY THINKING ABOUT THE GOOD IN ME caps unintentional and i automatically start to think, i am really defective. i want to fight this thought but its a part of me.


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gad
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8/7/07 1:58 AM
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Suppose I took a ball in my hand, something handed to me by an alien. And suppose I looked at the ball, and frowned, and told myself that this is a very inferior ball. It doesn't seem to be able to do anything. Why did this alien give me this, to insult me? And I'm standing there looking at the ball, and then the alien, who realizes what I'm thinking, goesw over to me and opens the ball, and shows me the brilliant and beautiful light and energy that is inside the ball. And he shows me that if I press a hidden botton, then I can access this light and use it to do marvelous and amazing things.

We all possess this light. It's called a neshomo, a soul. And we can all access it. And even if sometimes we fail, we still have this tremendous potential to access the light, and with even more power than before we failed. And we can do amazing things.

 
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shtarkebachur
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8/7/07 10:37 AM
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I KNOW THIS BUT I STILL FEEL LIKE I AM BASICALLY BAD, AND I KNOW I AM NOT BUT I FEEL THIS WAY. THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT, I AM NOT SAYING YOU ARE NOT HELPING BUT MOSTLY I STILL FEEL TOTALLY BAD.
I AM WORKING ON IT THOUGH. I FEEL A LITTLE DROP MORE COMFORTABLE THINKING GOOD ABOUT ME THAN I USED TO. I KNOW IT ISN'T REALISTIC TO EXPECT MORE THAN A LITTLE CHANGE AT A TIME, BUT SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE IT ISN'T WORTH IT AND THAT I WILL ALWAYS BE DEFECTVE. AND THEREFORE I WILL ALWAYS FEEL DEFECTIVE. CAPS UNINTENTIONAL LOL.


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gad
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8/8/07 1:11 AM
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It's very good that you are working on it. It says that all beginnings are hard, but it looks like you're past the beginning stage and it should get better and easier now.

I think that volunteering would help. (I think someone already mentioned this on one of the posts.) Visiting the sick or other acts of chesed often go a long way to making a person feel good, because they are doing something meaningful and helping others.
 
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shtarkebachur
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8/15/07 8:42 PM
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its a lot easier for me to be assertive now than i used to, i realize what i am fearing is that peop;e wi;; hurt me if i don't do what ever they want. i am glad of this because i always wanted to know why i constantly think about what other people want from me and i am constantly imagining them to be demanding of me to please them and i feel i must do it. i feel so angry at myself for being this way. i want so badly to start doing what i want to do, but i am so sure i must do what people expect of me, that i can't figure out what i want since the only thing i think about is how i can make others happpy, as if i am living in a danger zone with terrorists who will kill me if i don't please them. when somebody seems unhappy with me or if i am afraid he might become, my mind just goes into survival mode, i get all tense and all my unhealthy thinking just pops up, and trying to think that people are not going to hurt me , just doesn't work because i feel like i am standing in front of a raging bear and trying to tell myself i am in no danger. it just doesn't register!!! i want to become healthy so i try to think what i know are healthy thoughts, but like i said before, i cannot believe myself. i find that often i try to hide this need to please others because i am afraid people will laugh at me or that people will be displeased with me for thinking this way.


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su7kids
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8/15/07 9:13 PM
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Do you realize how far you've come just with the awareness???

Just knowing this much about yourself is helpful.


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shtarkebachur
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8/15/07 9:18 PM
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i just read about becoming healthy and it said that you have to take control of your life by giving yourself what you need instead of trying to get it from others. does that mean that i am doing something unhealthy by asking for your help? i mean shouldn't i be thinking these haelthy thoughts w/o u telling them to me, mayybe by getting your help i become dependent on you or something.


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su7kids
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not it means that you have to find in yourself what you expect from others. If you need approval, you need to give that to yourself and not expect others to give it to you.

Help is guidance to get yourself on the right track. You're not asking us to do the work for you, just to point you in the right direction, and that's a good thing.


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shtarkebachur
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8/16/07 12:00 AM
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is that ALL??? oh well then i guess it would not be healthy for me to expect any more from you, like to make me feel good.


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gad
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Originally posted by: shtarkebachur
its a lot easier for me to be assertive now than i used to, i realize what i am fearing is that peop;e wi;; hurt me if i don't do what ever they want. i am glad of this because i always wanted to know why i constantly think about what other people want from me and i am constantly imagining them to be demanding of me to please them and i feel i must do it. i feel so angry at myself for being this way. i want so badly to start doing what i want to do, but i am so sure i must do what people expect of me, that i can't figure out what i want since the only thing i think about is how i can make others happpy, as if i am living in a danger zone with terrorists who will kill me if i don't please them. when somebody seems unhappy with me or if i am afraid he might become, my mind just goes into survival mode, i get all tense and all my unhealthy thinking just pops up, and trying to think that people are not going to hurt me , just doesn't work because i feel like i am standing in front of a raging bear and trying to tell myself i am in no danger. it just doesn't register!!! i want to become healthy so i try to think what i know are healthy thoughts, but like i said before, i cannot believe myself. i find that often i try to hide this need to please others because i am afraid people will laugh at me or that people will be displeased with me for thinking this way.


Ok, here is a simple excercise. What do you think is my attitude? Do you think that unless you make me happy, I won't like you?

Well, if you yell at me, then I may be annoyed. But I would probably get over it. But if you generally tried to be nice and polite, and otherwise didn't really try hard to make me happy, do you think I would get upset etc.?

My answer is no. I would not get upset. And the same would apply with 99.9% of the people you know. Even if you didn't try hard to make them happy, they would not get upset.

I know someone who was self-concious that when he walked in a shopping mall, everyone was looking at his yarmulke. So someone told him, "You know, you would be surprised, but no one is even noticing you. Everyone is busy with their shopping. Why don't you pay attention next time, and you'll see."

So the next time this person went to the mall, he looked around, and he saw that this friend was right. No one was even looking at him.

Sometimes we get afraid of different things. But by confronting the scare head on, we often realize that this is just our imagination.

So if I tell you that even if you don't please me, I still love you as part of the Mitzva of Ahavas Yisroel, then you can assume that the same is true with other people. And if you don't believe me, why don't you look at yourself. Do you feel that unless someone pleases you, you won't like them? I'm sure that your answer will be that you like people anyways. So just like I feel this way, and you feel this way, so do others.

Probably the best way to deal with the nagging thoughts is to try to not think about them at all. And whn they come to mind, to just push them away, and think positive thoughts, like words of Torah, or other thoughts.

Hope to hear good news.
 
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su7kids
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Is that a problem? Feeling good is up to YOU, not up to me.

Its how you feel about yourself that counts. It really, actually, doesn't matter what the rest of the world thinks of you. You have to be able to look yourself and your G-d in the eye and be ok with who you are. Then you'll be more comfortable with whatever the world thinks of you.


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shtarkebachur
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8/20/07 12:26 AM
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Let me introduce you to my parents.
My parents don’t express any joy at being with each other. They criticize each other harshly, and they will always find something to criticize about me. I try to be perfect, so they will be happy and never fight, and to stop them from punishing me. I try to be a perfect yid so that Hashem should stop punishing me so much. When I do a mitzvah, I am full of guilt that I am not doing it right. I often think about the aveiros I did, and I can’t forgive myself for them. I just feel like I am bad.
I speak to therapists and to my sister whom I feel close to, and they tell me I am really a good person, and that I should focus on all the good that I do. I wish I could do that, but this is not something I can switch on at will. I feel like no matter how hard I try I will never feel good about myself, because I am such a shameful person. Now and then I feel hopeful that maybe I will change, and that gives me some courage to work on myself. I have made some progress, but I don’t feel any joy about it because I keep focusing on my feeling of despair and I don’t feel hopeful that I will ever feel happy. As dark as I feel, I keep trying to work on myself, because I know intellectually that I can change, if I work consistently for a long time. When I work on myself, I need to shut off my despair, or else I will give up, and I will stay this way my whole life, and that scares me so much. I don’t want to feel horrible my entire life! I keep thinking about my parents’ lives and their marriage, and I am petrified of repeating the pattern. I don’t want to get married until I know for sure I will not be like my parents. I am so lonely, and I wish I would get married already to someone who will be my friend, but I am not going to do it because I know I will end up with more pain than now. So I am working on changing the way I feel, without any feelings of hope that I WILL change. All I have is the need to share my life with someone who cares about me, not to feel so lonely, and the intellectual knowledge that I can change.
I really hope I will not fail.


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gad
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Often people are very amazed how their lives turn around, from terrible to wonderful.

You can believe your sister and your therapist. You can't trust your own guilt feelings now, because they are obviously biased. Just listen to what you are saying: "I try to be a perfect Yid so that Hashem should stop punishing me so much. When I do a Mitzva, I am full of guilt etc."

Don't you see? You are sure that you are not doing a Mitzva properly, because otherwise why is Hashem punishing. So automatically, your judgement is biased. You are not looking at the doing of the Mitzva objectively. You are looking first at the punishment, and then ASSUMING (Do we know why Hashem does things? Are we Hashem?) that the reason Hashem did this must be because you didn't do the Mitzva properly.

I think that you should be commended that you are trying to be perfect at home for the sake of peace. This is a tremendous mitzva, and every little effort that you make in this regard is a tremendous mitzva. No doubt your therapist can teach you more coping skills in this regard.

Quite often, people raised in a home with a problem will make a special effort to not repeat the problem in their own home. So you could really be at an advantage over many people, because you have experienced this problem and you will know what the pitfalls are and how to avoid them and maintain the peace. And the therapist can also be helpful in this regard, and give you skills that many others do not have.

Right now you don't have to think about marriage. You are proceeding in a positive direction, and with G-d's help you will succeed and achieve amazing good things.

With best wishes for a kesiva vechasima tova leshona tova umisuka, and that we receive even more good news from you.

 
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shtarkebachur
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8/21/07 1:15 AM
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i sort of got my thoughts in order. i wrote this as a letter to a website.

I am a regular yeshiva bachur of 19. I have had a rough adolescence, really rough. I lived with almost constant shame, thinking that I am a rasha. Sometimes I felt it was no use trying to be a good person since eventually I would do more aveiros anyway. I was sure that I am bad.

This all went on inside of me, so I did not get any support from people, as I might have if I had gone off the derech. I was a good kid, and I never stepped out of line. I was scared to do anything that would get me criticized. I davened very hard that Hashem should help me be a good person, because I really wanted to but I felt like there is nothing I can do. I punished myself for my aveiros, because I was afraid of Hashem punishing me if I don’t show real remorse.

I had nobody to help me through this. Parents? It never occurred to me that my parents would be able to help me. They care about me very much, though, and when I share with my mother that I had a tough time as a teenager, she is shocked and disappointed that I never shared anything with her about my life. She deeply regrets not having been able to give me support. My father tries so hard to make me happy, and he also cares about me, but I never shared anything with him either. I did not think he could help me with what I was going through. Somehow I was sure this shame is something I have to fix on my own because nobody can help me with it, since nobody can really understand me.

I tried lots of things to help myself, without anyone knowing about it. I would have felt unbelievable shame if anyone saw any of the hundreds of papers I wrote to myself. Actually, when I was 18, a kid approached me and asked me if I dropped this paper. I saw what it was, and I felt like my world is collapsing. I felt like I was found out, my secret has been discovered, and now everyone knows there is something wrong with me. Baruch Hashem it seems he did not read it, but I still panic when I think someone may have seen something I wrote. I felt certain that I am different from anyone else, and that I will never be able to show my true personality. I got a lot of compliments for the good things I did, and they went right past me since they were all addressed to the fake me. The real me was my feelings of shame.

The feelings of shame started when I was a little kid. My parents would argue, in my presence, in loud voices. They often yelled at each other in anger. I was terrified of what might happen. When I was finally able to get a sound out of my mouth, I pleaded with them to stop, but they were still trying to prove themselves right. They began to yell at me that they are right and the other one is wrong. I felt like they are expecting me to solve the problem. So I tried to convince them that the other parent doesn’t deserve to be yelled at, while I was still shaking in fear and struggling not to burst into tears.

I so wanted to cry then, more than at any other time in my life. However, the only people that could console me, my parents, were frightening me to death. I was hysterically trying to get my Mommy and Totty back, because I needed them to reassure me that everything is all right, to calm me down from my terror. I felt so painfully alone then, like there was nobody in the world who wants to comfort me. That made me feel so ashamed of myself, I thought that I must be a bad person, and that's why nobody wants to make me feel better. I don't deserve to feel better. I deserve to live in fear and in pain, because I am bad. I was sure that the reason my parents are not answering my cry for help is because i don't deserve to be helped.
I began to live my whole life in order to make people think I am good, so that I will stop feeling this shame, which was so painful. I was a perfect student who always got high marks, and a perfect child who always behaved and did his chores. I needed my parents to tell me that they think I am a good person, but any time they criticized me, which was often, I felt like I failed again, and I am still a bad person who does not deserve to feel good.

If only my parents had seen my pain then, when I was a little kid who needed soothing. If only they would have realized that their fighting is making my life miserable, and that destroying their beloved child's happiness is too high of a price for the feeling of having won an argument. Maybe then they would have stopped in shock, and made peace with each other so they can together focus on the vulnerable little boy who needed his Mommy and Totty so much. And maybe then, they could have been at my side to help me grow up happy and healthy, and I would not have lived with such deep shame and loneliness for so many years, thinking I have been forsaken by everyone; sure that nobody cares about me.

Baruch Hashem I have found some people in my life who give me support and guidance. It is hard, and I often fall into despair, but I am beginning to see that there are people who care about me, and that I am not all bad. I'm starting to think that maybe, just maybe, I deserve to be happy and to be cared for. So it is not me that I want you to be concerned with.

But please take a good look at your children. Maybe somewhere there is a little boy or girl who is wondering why his Mommy and Totty sometimes just leave him alone with his pain, as if he does not deserve to be held while he cries. If you do not act now, then later nothing you do will make a difference, and you will have to helplessly watch your teenager struggle with more pain than he can possibly carry on his or her young shoulders. Just ask my parents how it feels to know you have been unable to help your child with the struggles of growing up. Ask them how it feels to know that you were the cause of his struggles, but you were helpless to do anything. Please realize that when you are in conflict with your spouse, you are taking away your kid's Mommy and Totty. Realize it now, before it is too late.


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su7kids
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Beautifully written.

My heavens, Shtarke, you have come a long way. You are able to see who you are, and where you are going, and that is awesome. I'm very impressed. I know you're going to be able to look back at this time in your life as being worth it, when you are able to help others turn things around. In the meantime, keep doing what you're doing, because you're doing GREAT!!


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Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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shtarkebachur
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8/21/07 7:21 PM
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thanx!


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Enjoying life while fighting anxiety!
 
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shtarkebachur
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8/24/07 1:00 AM
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I REALIZE WHY I AM SO SCARED OF GETTING CLOSE TO PEOPLE. IT'S BECAUSE MY PARENTS ARE THE PEOPLE WHO CARED ABOUT ME THE MOST MY WHOLE LIFE, AND THEY USED TO HURT ME A LOT. THEY TOLD ME THAT THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO HURT ME BECAUSE THEY CARE ABOUT ME, SO I GOT THE MESSAGE THAT IF I WANT SOMEONE TO CARE ABOUT ME I HAVE TO LET THEM HURT ME.

THEY SHAMED ME BY PUNISHING ME AND YELLING AT ME, SO I GOT THE MESSAGE THAT I SHOULD FEEL ASHAMED OF MYSELF FOR EXPECTING NOT TO GET HURT BY PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT ME.

THEY MADE IT SOUND AS IF THEY aRE PUNISHING ME BECAUSE THEY care about me.

i began to think that this is how people treat each other when they care about them. and since they care about me, i have no right to expect of them to not hurt me. after all, look at what they did for me!!

to them, giving to me means that they are now allowed to do whatever they want to me and i have no right to even ask them to stop, because by doing so i am implying that they did something wrong, and that hurts them, so i have no right to hurt them after all they did for me, therefore i must be silent while they hurt me. i should be ashamed of myself for even asking them to stop!! how dare i make it sound as if they are doing something wrong after all they did for me!


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Enjoying life while fighting anxiety!
 
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su7kids
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8/24/07 1:52 AM
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Oh my gosh, as much as I hate to say it, because yo ustill have the mitzvah of kibud av v'eim, but your parents are so wrong.

No-one has any right to hurt anyone, not physically and not emotionally. That is just not permitted. I see that this molded you to be who you are today, but at least you can work on not being that kind of person who does that to others anymore, or allows others to do it to you.

You can work on a kavodike way to tell your parents not to treat you like that anymore. You're a big boy now, a man, actually, and you should at least try to get what you want for yourself and what you KNOW you need. (and DESERVE).


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Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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shtarkebachur
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8/24/07 2:03 AM
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i am so scared of asking them to stop doing something, because they get so hurt and angry at me for "hurting" them.

i think i get scared because deep down i still feel like i am obligated to never 'criticize' them for what they are doing even if it bothers me, and since i believe that, the only way to stop them from hurting me even more is by becoming "invisible" and not reacting to what they do. i mean, i can't tell them to stop, because that would HURT them, right? so all i can do, (according to the belief i have that i have no right to criticize them after all they did for me) is ignore my feelings and avoid any argument, since in the end i would have to agrree with them to avoid hurting them.

in addition i am not sure if i AM obligated to never complain since it hurts them.


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gad
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8/25/07 10:25 PM
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A gut voch!

I was very impressed with your posts in the depression category. You are very intelligent and articulate, and it was very nice that you were reaching out to help others with your experience and insight.

As for the idea you just posted, that you feel that your parents:

1. on the one hand punished you because they cared, but on the other hand you feel that they were wrong.

2. how can you hurt them by telling them to stop.

(I hope I summarized it correctly.)


I would answer as follows:

1. People sometimes mean well, but are misguided. They may care, but not realize that their actions are destructive.

2. There is an obligation from the Torah to take care of one's health (ushmartem meod lenafshoiseichem), which includes physical and mental health. So if this means standing up to one's parents and saying no, albeit in a respectful and gentle way, then one may need to do this. And actually this can be honoring parents, since they also want to have a healthy son.

It would be advisable to ask the therapist or Rabbi for advice when and how to say no.

Hope to hear good news.



Edited: 8/25/07 at 10:32 PM by gad
 
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shtarkebachur
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8/28/07 1:42 AM
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so "standing up to them" would be my obligation, and they have no authority to command me to ignore my obligation. is that what you mean?


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gad
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8/28/07 11:58 AM
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Standing up to them in a gentle and respectful way, and according to the approval and guidance of both the therapist, and a Rabbi who has experience and gives decisions in these matters.
 
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gad
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8/28/07 12:06 PM
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If the above conditions are met, then it seems clear that they would not have the authority to tell you to ignore your obligation, just like they cannot command you to not keep Shabbos etc.

However, a major concern here is peaceful relations. And that's also why it is crucial to follow the therapist and Rabbi's advice, since they will also want to try to keep things calm and peaceful.

Often it is possible to do things peacefully, where a calm and gentle answer can maintain a peaceful atmosphere.

Hope to hear good news.


Edited: 8/28/07 at 12:08 PM by gad
 
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HopefulMommy
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8/30/07 1:23 AM
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Wow, your letter is eye-opening. You should publish it in parenting magazines.

I often feel that raising my own children is a tikun for me. I am trying to do a better job than my (well-intentioned) parents did. I feel that giving them confidence, sense of security, and the freedom to be themselves and express their emotions is my way of rectifying whatever went wrong when I was that age.

G-d willing, you'll also get to the stage of raising your own children, and you'll feel that your own childhood, while painful, was key to ensuring that you become the kind of parent you always wished for. Your children will appreciate your insights.
 
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shtarkebachur
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8/30/07 1:34 AM
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i met my T today. i told him i want to change therapists b/c he isn't helping.

he tells me to trust him with my feelings. i told him i can't. it's his job to make me feel comfortable, since i can't do it myself. he said therapy can't work so fast.

he told me, when he says i should trust him, what i HEAR is; if you don't trust me, you will get gehenom etc. i agreed with that.

we decided to make a deadline to decide if it's helping.

something changed in me. i realized that he is not forcing me to trust him.

this made me feel more relaxed. now i will just be patient with myself. till now i was telling myself, why can't you trust him, what's wrong with u? i thought he was saying that too.

now i feel calm. i will get better naturally, without criticizing myself. ok, i just started to change this thinking.


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Enjoying life while fighting anxiety!

Edited: 8/30/07 at 1:38 AM by shtarkebachur
 
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gad
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8/31/07 5:03 AM
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I hope your actions help. It certainly sounds like you have gained confidence in your ability to not just sit there, but to try to take charge and improve things. I'm glad that you are feeling more calm and, it seems to me, more optimistic about things.

I've heard that therapists is a chemistry thing; that some patients click with certain therapists, and others click with others.

Have a good Shabbos, and I hope to hear good news.
 
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HopefulMommy
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9/2/07 2:02 AM
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I like the sun in your sig. Sounds like you've come a long way. You're doing great!
 
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Dr. Lynn
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10/10/07 1:26 AM
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This is what this message board is all about!
a lynn
 
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