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TOPIC TITLE: more therapy
Created On 10/24/07 9:08 AM
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Debbi
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10/24/07 9:08 AM
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I'm feeling very discouraged.
I've been thru so very many chaotic ups and downs during the last year. It has been a difficult year at best, and then a wonderful break through occured. Since the end of August things have beengoing steadily uphill. Only one week ago I was feeling on top of the world.
I started college (i'm in my 30's), and I was put together and even felt pretty on some days. And now after experiencing those few weeks of hope, I am back to feeling depressed.

There have been some medication changes, so I'm assuming there is some connection. But I'm so sick of the struggle.
I just want to live, and get on with the things i need to do without being bogged down with what feels like a tremendous weight on my shoulders.

All of a sudden I feel as though i cant do it anymore, I cant protect my kids, its too hard. I hadnt realised the burden i have been subconciously carrying around, was even present. Its almost as though I need to protect them from sxual predators 24/7, which is impossible.
I cant be there all the time.
And now i wake up every morning and cry, b/c I think i've given up the notion that I am their protector.

I feel so confused about it.
My therapist tells me that its normal, given the trauma i experienced with molestation.

I see her twice weekly.
Before the summer, or actually before my hospital stay, i was seeing her 4x a week. But now its down to 2, which was perfect for me.
This week because I have been feeling so awful, I asked her if i could add in another session, but she doesnt want to.
I know she's right, but it would help me get thru the week.
i know that i shouldnt become too dependent on her.
But what if i added another session, just until i begin to feel a little better? Would that be so bad? Would I begin to "need" her again?
I dont want to bother her, i think i annoy her enough anyway. She's sick of me getting into these states.

wish this would end.

D.
 
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su7kids
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10/24/07 11:00 AM
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Debbi, how much of your feelings are normal? As a mother to 7 kids, I tell you, the idea of being their protector is overwhelming. They're older now and they've mostly moved out of the house, and the forced "detachment" because I can't do anythingn for them, is hard. Until something happens and then they need me.

Clearly, you are having a more intense reaction to the thoughts and situations, but the actual thoughts are very normal.

I don't think your therapist is annoyed and sick of you getting this way, its what she is there for. However, I think she probably wants you to work on coping more by yourself, and maybe you can tap back into the things she's said and taught you, and use those tools, even if it means writing them down, when you're not with her.

When you're with her, you're not with your children. Are you using that to get away from dealing with the worries and fears about the kids? (I would!)

Good luck.


-------------------------
Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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Debbi
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10/24/07 2:30 PM
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I agree, that "protecting" is one of the definitions of "mother".
although I suppose it is as u say, I shouldnt be feeling overwhelmed by these protective feelings.

I 've been realising that wanting more time with my therapist is probably more a feeling of comfort than anything else.
I think I am looking for someone to be "nice" to me, during this period of painful feelings, sort of like a mother might??

And although my T is not the mushy, complimentive kind of person, she still allows me a sense of consistancy, and a certain sense of warmth and safety, whilst sitting in her office. I have a wish for that right now, but I know that it should not come from her.

Thank u for responding.
I have read other posts of yours, and I value your wise and honest opinion.
Debbi.
 
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gad
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10/25/07 12:55 AM
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Love is something we all yearn for.

In a way, your yearning for love is much deeper than the average person, because the need for it arrouses within you a deeper wanting of it. So in a way, you feel and appreciate the love much more.

I hope that you find the comfort and love that you need, and that you have much Yiddishe Nachas from your family and those around you.
 
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HopefulMommy
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10/25/07 1:04 AM
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I've been realizing lately that I have to let go of the notion that I will be able to protect my children from all pain. I know I want to create a pain free world for them and make sure they never experience the kind of pain I am going through. But that is not what we are in this world for. Life without pain and struggle is meaningless. That's very hard for me to accept, but I am working on it. A wise person pointed out to me that I am stuck at the point of surrender. I want to be G-d. I want to be the one to decide how much discomfort is allowed and how much pain is too much and unacceptable. But ultimately, I have to accept that Hashem knows better. I don't know if this helps you, but that's one of things I'm working on.

Maybe instead of carrying this tremendous weight on your shoulders, you could try to let go of the weight, let it drop, and let Hashem pick it up and take care of it, while you return to your own life.

Another thing I am learning is that when I get into this state of "I want my Mommy," like you are describing with your therapist, I can actually become my own "Mommy" and give myself the unconditional love and acceptance that I am craving. The way to do it is to accept yourself unconditionally. Don't judge yourself for having whatever feelings and thoughts you're dealing with. Let your "Mommy" self listen to your "I want my Mommy" self and give her a hug.

And one more thing. Don't be discouraged. It always happens that things start to get better, but then you have a setback and they get worse again. They will get better again, and when they do, you won't have to start from the beginning. You'll go back to where you got to before it got worse.

Good luck!


Edited: 10/25/07 at 1:13 AM by HopefulMommy
 
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Debbi
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10/25/07 10:08 AM
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Thanks for your encouragement. I'm working very hard on trying to remember that this will pass, and I will go forward once again.
 
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Holding on
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10/25/07 1:13 PM
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Debbi, hang in there and keep it up!
You are an inspiration to many

B'Hatzlacha!
 
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