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TOPIC TITLE: Should I quit Therapy?
Created On 12/13/07 11:38 PM
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Debbi
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12/13/07 11:38 PM
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After almost 8 years of therapy with the same therapist, I still feel pain when she goes away, and I still feel a large measure of discomfort and sadness in between sessions. I see her 2x a week.

I hate that I still need her so deeply.
I hate that I often think about her in between sessions, and that when she goes away for a few days, I dont believe she will ever come back. I hate the fact that I need to see her in fleah and blood in order to believe that she still exists. I hate that talking to her on the phone is not enough to convince me that she is still willing to have me as her client, and that i need to see her in her office to "remind" me that she is still the same person in the same place doing her job, and giving me 45 min of her undivided attention twice a week. I really loathe the fact that I need complete consistancy in order to (perhaps) trust her. If she deviates just a bit from her routine, I feel sad, scared and fearful that things are changing, and nothing will be the same again.

I hate that I have to live with these uncomfortable and painful feelings on a constant basis.

Should I stop seeing her? Get away so that at least after I get beyond the sadness of her absense, I will no longer be forced to deal with the chronic pain I experience?

Does this make any sense in a logical way?

any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated.
D.
 
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su7kids
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12/14/07 12:41 AM
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I guess the first question is: Is she helping you when you ARE seeing her?

Have you addressed your "need" of her, with her?


-------------------------
Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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Debbi
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12/14/07 12:50 AM
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Yes I work very hard during sessions.
I have made tremendous changes in a positive way. I gain alot from therapy, yet the pain still overwhelms me at times.
 
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su7kids
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12/14/07 12:53 AM
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I think then the benefits far outweigh the down side, because as you get stronger, you won't feel this way so much, and maybe next time you can discuss with her some coping skills for when you are not with her.

Great going on getting help!!


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Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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HopefulMommy
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12/14/07 1:52 AM
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It sounds like she is providing for you the consistency and security that you didn't have as a child. I think you should continue seeing her -- you need this consistency. But you can also work on creating consistency and security for yourself, so that you could get used to having it in your life. It could be simple things, from making the same dinner every wednesday to talking to your husband for 15 minutes at the same time every day. Whatever works for you.
 
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bubbs96
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12/14/07 2:03 AM
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Debbi,

what u r describiing is transference. it is very real, and very, very uncomfortable. i have similar issues with my therapist, and it drives me CRAZY!! (and i've only known her 2 years, seen her as a patient for 1 1/2 years, so i dont think the time has to do with it). I think having a trauma history is part of it....talk about these feelings with ur therapist. don't stop the therapy. chances are, these feelings have (or would) come up in ANY very close, intense relationship in your life. yes, sometimes they can feel unbareable. I hate feeling so needy...i go from needy to angry to crazy to desperate....(luckily for me and my therapist, i was open about how cookoo i was feeling about her, and she was able to calm me by reminding me that its just transference (since i'm a social worker and trained in therapy, as soon as she said that and i was able to realized i wasnt going crazy, i felt better and we are able to work thru it when it comes up).....

in other words....THESE feelings are not a reflection of whether or not the therapy is good....just a finger pointing to an issue that needs to be explored in therapy.
yes, 8 years is a long time....but for some, 8 years is still fine. for others, a change might need to have been made somewhere along the way. But you would know if she was no longer helping you. Having these attachment issues doesn't seem to me to be red flags to change therapists. If anything, i think it would be healing and helpful to you in the long run to work through these feelings with your therapist.

best of luck.


-------------------------
"Recovery is a process, not an event."
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment.
 
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Debbi
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12/18/07 12:09 AM
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Thank you all for your helpful replies.
I will write more when I feel more able to communicate my thoughts.
thanks.
 
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seb613
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12/18/07 5:49 PM
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I'm not sure I feel the same way, but I'm getting tired of going to therapy. As much as I improve, I always feel a dread about my appoinments. I feel that there will always be problems I won't be dealing with and feel ashamed of them. If I don't do all of what my thearpist told me at the last meeting, I feel guilty and anxious. I know I'ma perfectionist, but sometimes I feel I don't want to have to deal with everything.
 
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gad
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12/19/07 12:51 AM
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seb613. Perhaps you can tell this (your apprehensions) to your therapist, who may be understanding, and may agree that you need to go at your own pace.

At any rate, you write that you are improving. This clearly shows that you have accomplished, and you deserve credit for that. As for the rest, you can perhaps view your therapist's expectations as a goal to work towards, and that one day you hope to achieve it. But for now, you can't overwork yourself; just like when we use a machine we can't overwork it or it will break down. We need to know our limits.

Hope to hear good news.


Edited: 12/19/07 at 12:52 AM by gad
 
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Debbi
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12/24/07 9:43 AM
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I'm still stuck in my "therapy saga", which I loathe.
Bubbs I know about transference, (i'm actually in school for an eventual degree in psychology, hopefully a PHd, but not counting on it)
Having said that, its pretty easy to deal with someonelses transference, but my own????!! I cant take it any more.
I've been doing this for so long. I must admit that there has been lots of improvement, but not enough for me to live a "normal" life without her. That makes me so angry! This despicable dependency.
Whats going on now is that for the last few weeks or even mths, she has been saying that she feels she can no longer help me individually, and that the work is now with my marriage.
Ok, i get that, but I still want to see her.
How does this work? Am i supposed to "lose" all my feelings for her and what she represents to me, just because our work is done?
On Friday she mentioned it again, and I had a complete melt- down. Felt as though the ground was collapsing beneath me. I am so mad!!! Why? Why do I have these feelings. Its not fair. I dont want them, yet I dont know how to get rid of them.

So i walked out of her office on Friday, and told her that I wouldnt be seeing her again.
After that, I couldnt stop crying, and cutting, and my husband had to call my P Doc. My doctor said that I can be very frustrating at times, so perhaps thats why my T decided I needed to look further. Duh! That made me feel much better!

In the end I realised that ending therapy so abruptly is not responsible, so i called to say I would be there on Monday.
She didnt call me back, until I'd left 3 messages, which I've never done before. She had given away my time, but was able to give me her last spot for the day.

I have so many feelings about all of this. (especially her giving away my time so quickly) I know, I know, why should she lose money etc? But in the past she had always kept my time for me anyway.

Mostly I hate the whole thing, and I think I'm begining to hate her too. I dont want to be so dependant, it causes too much anxiety, as well as the fact that it looks as tho she's looking for excuses to get rid of me.
Just like my mom, who has refused any contact with me for 2 and half years. This is due to the fact that she cant face the reality of her husband molesting me. I understand her, but I still miss her alot. We used to talk almost every day, before this happened.

I'm so tired of all the conflicting emotions rolling around inside of me.
I just want to lay down my head, and feel some peace.
Do u know what i mean, anyone?

I'm tired.
Tired of the turmoil.
Tired of the uncertainty of life.

Yes, today i'll tell her all of the above.
But I dont believe it can change anything.

Thanks for listening.
 
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HopefulMommy
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12/24/07 1:59 PM
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I sort of know what you mean. My issues are very different. But I also have times when I just want to cry and not deal with my mental problems any more. Like when I get a panic attack and get nervous about going to a place I always go to, like a store couple blocks away. I've been working on agoraphobia for over 5 years. I just want to be done. I don't want to deal with it any more. But it's still there. It keeps coming back. I understand how it works and all that. But I just wish it wasn't there. I just want to be normal.

I posted a question about acceptance a while ago. It's been years, but it's still hard for me to accept the fact that I have a mental problem. Especially when it gets better fo a while. But then it comes back.

I think your issue is also about acceptance of the fact that this transference is taking place. Once you accept it, you'll be able to decide what to do about this particular therapist and if you should see her or not. But it's not about your relationship with her. It's about your relationship with yourself.
 
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gad
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12/24/07 10:59 PM
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Debbi, sorry for what you are going through.

I hope that things get better for you very soon.
 
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