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TOPIC TITLE: level of functioning?
Created On 6/3/08 1:04 PM
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Debbi
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6/3/08 1:04 PM
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I suffered a miscarriage last week.
I didnt tell my therapist, instead cancelled my appointments by leaving her a message that i wasnt feeling well. This, after telling her (the week before) that i was pregnant.

I was ashamed to tell her what had happened.
I felt angry and disgusted with my self, and with my body.
I couldnt allow myself to be comforted over the loss i was probably experiencing.
I isolated myself from her, aswell as my husband, and couldnt talk for almost a week.

I wished my mother would call me, and comfort me, and express her sadness for me, and of course she didnt since she is no longer in contact with me, due to my sharing with her that i was molested as a child.

I felt sad that she couldnt call me, and then I wished that my T would call and offer me comfort...and she didnt....because she didnt know! I didnt tell her.
And so i spent a week refusing my husband, and not telling T, and pushing away all those who wanted to help, because i only wanted the one person who wasnt there, my mother. And if she has abandoned me, then no one else can take her place.

It is now more than a week later, and "I" am feeling that i am over the whole thing. My T , however is under the impression that i am on a downward spiral towrds a deep depression!? (idont see it at all)

Okay... so she is on her way overseas for a week. (Does that have anything to do with her feeling worried?)

I have been open about my underlying feelings of death and dying, and the intensifying feelings of hatefulness i have towards my body. Having said that, I have also been clear that i have zero intentions of acting on any of these feelings.

She was quick to point out, that I am still cutting... which is true, but again its not life threatening.
We've been through this before, and i've always crawled my way out.

I've been experiencing strong feelings of hate towards my physical self, and fantasising about getting rid of my body, and being left with a Neshoma.
I have absolutely NO plans on doing anything crazy... its all just feelings.

I know if i work really hard I can get myself out of this.

So why is my T treating this "episode" as a complete regression (in her words)??
I feel confused.
I dont view this like that at all.
i'm aware of the absurdity of my feelings, I understand where they are coming from, and i am trying my hardest to overcome them.

Whose definition of my ability to function and stay safe is correct, hers or mine?

I'm so caught up in the details that i'm having a hard time sorting this all out.

Any ideas anyone?
 
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HopefulMommy
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6/3/08 3:25 PM
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Sorry about the miscarriage. I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but it probably had nothing to do with your body, but had something to do with the fetus. You've had children, so your body is probably functioning just fine.

I can relate a little bit to desperately wanting someone to comfort me but pushing everybody away. I've done that too. I also feel at times that "I want my Mommy," but not my real mother, some perfect kind of mother who would really understand me. Then I feel guilty for being so childish, so I tell myself that I can deal with whatever it is and be strong, and I pretend that I want everyone to leave me alone, when I really don't. I think I have to learn to be comfortable with myself and my vulnerabilities, and then I could let other people in.

Sorry I don't have any ideas on the level of functioning question.
 
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Debbi
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6/3/08 5:49 PM
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Thank you HM,
Yes, its really hard to let people in when all you really want is your mother.
And i also feel stupid, and childish for even entertaining such thoughts. Thats when i begin to really hate myself, for wanting somthing that will never be.

I suppose what I'm grappling with is the fact that my T sees my current situation as "dangerous", but i do not. But because of how she feels, i'm begining to feel depressed and anxious.
I dont know if i'm feeling these things because of her projection? Or am I really in a bad place the way she sees it?

Why can't i evaluate my own thoughts and feelings??????
I usually know when i'm on a downward spiral, and this time i have no clue??!!

This past week, words have been coming out of my mouth, and I dont understand them.
for example, a client owed me some money, and expressed that she really didnt feel comfortable waiting 'till next week to pay me.
My response was: "Why do you think I'll be dead by next week?" !!!
I was shocked as soon as i heard my words. I can't imagine what she thinks, but even for myself, i didnt realise that thats whats on my mind.
Another incident was when , I told my husband and kids that i'm waiting to see if we won the burial plot in the Oorah chinese auction.

Am I experiencing something that i am unaware of?
I mean do u think someone can commit suicide without realising???
I didnt think i was that crazy....

help! someone.

debbi


 
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Holding on
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6/4/08 12:31 PM
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Hey Debbi,

First, I'm so sorry about your miscarriage. I'm just thinking about when my sister had one, how I felt. I was crying for a few days straight, and she was the one trying to comfort me, so I'm sorry. I can't imagine how hard it must be.

I think pushing ppl. away when all you really want is to be held is understandable. At least for me, when I'm at my most 'neediest' moments, that's when I push ppl. away until I don't need them as bad, bec. if I need them that bad and they don't come through... It's sort of protecting myself in case they don't come through, I guess. (at those times I can't risk being dissapointed again/more)

I don't know who's definition you go by, but in my personal experience, when I was at some of the lowest times of my life, that's when I was able to control myself not to cut... bec. I knew that if I started I would have no control. It was a few days later that I took out my urges to cut, and did so, but only once I thought i would be able to control how much/deep/bad I did it. It's when I had a very clear picture of what I wanted to do to myself (not pretty) that I was able to 'function' and go on, and when I had calmed down somewhat I was able to act.
So is it possible that subconciously you are doing the same? Idk if I was clear or made sense, but maybe a part of that rings true w/ you as well? And maybe that is what your T is sensing? Idk, sorry.

And about hating yourself for wanting something that you know you can't have, well, when you work that through, let me know, bec. I'm in the same boat. I still have never been able to say it/or write it out, about what my T said of my parents. I know that I am holding myself back from going forward by not saying it to myself, acknoweleging it, and dealing with it, but I can't seem to do it. I am afraid that I won't be able to deal with it.
It's hard bec. my T had said what she did, but bec. of my strong reaction to it, I was not able to deal with it for a while after, never able to talk about it... and now it is too late. I have lost my T. I still don't know how to deal with it, what to do with my emotions, and honestly, am afraid of the urgency with which my feelings come up, even when writing this. So yeah... I'm a mess when it comes to that.

Sorry for rambling. I hope at least some of it was helpful.

Hatzlacha getting through this,
Holding on
 
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su7kids
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6/4/08 1:00 PM
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Debbi, hugs to you. I, too, experienced a miscarriage, in fact, two. The first one was way more traumatic for me than the second. I had 3 beautiful children at the time, and it made no difference. It was a loss and it hurt.

Firstly, do you think your therapist is not understanding because you didn't tell her what's going on? Its very hard for people to give you the response you want and need if they don't know what you're dealing with.

Secondly, have you ever found someone in your life who could be a substitute mother for you? A good friend, an older woman? Someone you can "lean" on when you need mothering?

I have to say that even when I've been down, I find that if I tell people what I want, they are more likely to give it to me. Sometimes, I'm not sure what I want, though and that makes it harder for all of us.

I want to add that I was in a terrible state after my first miscarriage (its 22 years ago now!) and I remember wanting to drive my car off a cliff, and other things like that. And it was so "not like me" at the time. When I went for my 6 week post-miscarriage check up, I asked my doctor if its normal to feel like this and he said 100%. Your body WAS pregnant and now it isn't. Its the same kind of "risk" for post partum depression as after giving birth, because the hormones are out of wack. It made so much sense to me, and I was very grateful to be able to snap out of it. I realize most can't.

Can you reach out to your husband? He's grieving too. He lost his child as much as you lost yours, and you can be there for each other through this, in different ways.

It is definitely no personal failure of yours, and nothing that you did on purpose to make it happen, and I'm sure on some very conscious level you know that.

Talk, talk, talk, and hugs to you!!!

Let me know if I can do anything more to love and support you.


-------------------------
Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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Debbi
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6/4/08 1:28 PM
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Thank you so much for all your responses.
i keep coming back here to check if anyone has written.
U dont how much it means to me....feels less alone. I just feel bad that i havent been here for anyone for a long time, and now when i need you, u r all so kind. Thank you.

I think i havent been making that connection very well. miscarriage and the way i am experiencing myself.
i keep on believing that since the miscarriage was no more than a few weeks, it almost seems as tho it was nothing. i mean i only knew i was pregnant b/c i keep taharas hamishpocha, otherwise i may never have known that my period was a few days late. And who even knows if the pregnancy test was accurate?

So maybe i need to trust you guys and my therapist that this is all hormonal.... and maybe wait to decide if death is the right thing for me..... i mean of course i know its WRONG, and that i have children, hsband etc. But the feelings are powerful....so very unbelievably overwhelming.

its a struggle, and i'm not even sure what the struggle is.
i feel so confused, and its nearly yom tov, and i havent even begun to think about cooking or planning or shopping.

i must go.
thanks again to all of you kind and caring ppl out there.

 
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Debbi
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6/4/08 1:29 PM
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Edited: 6/4/08 at 8:22 PM by Debbi
 
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su7kids
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6/4/08 2:24 PM
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Debbi, if it IS hormonal, and your hormones are way out of balance, you can get meds to help regulate them, at least to get you through the hump until you are able to cope better.

Miscarriage is loss, and it is death, but it doesn't mean YOU don't deserve to live!

The thing that upset me most when I had my mis. was to realize that statistically, its not unusual. I wanted to be unique and I wanted to be the only one who had been through it and I wanted to suffer really badly and have sympathy and so many people said "oh, i've had one" and then you read statistics and realize how high the rate of miscarriage is, and I think it appears higher nowadays than before due to the sensitivity of testing. Those early ones, we never knew until we were well past a missed period that we were pregnant, nowadays you can know a day later, and those "early miscarriages" are way more common than we like to think.

However, it does NOT take away from your own personal pain to realize there are thousands of women who've been through it. So, again, hugs to you.


-------------------------
Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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HopefulMommy
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6/5/08 1:03 PM
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I want to second what su7kids said about miscarriage. I also had two very early ones, and after the first one I was devasted, and I only realized later on that it was post-partum depression. It didn't last very long, though, B"H. It just went away on its own. I was too young and naive at the time to even think of that.

So hopefully, your feelings are hormonal and will resolve themselves very soon, once you stop bleeding and your body gets back to normal cycles.

Meanwhile, be nice to yourself!
 
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