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TOPIC TITLE: mourning the loss of a therapist
Created On 10/27/08 12:24 AM
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Debbi
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10/27/08 12:24 AM
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I have just realised that I will no longer be seeing my therapist of 8 years. Up until today, I had stupidly believed that my "new" therapist in the DBT program I am attending would somehow be instrumental in assisting in the "re-connection" of my therapist and myself.

Alas no such thing has occured, and it does not look as though it is on the agenda at all. My new T, wont even share the conversation the two therapists had together about me.

I feel tired and sad about all of this.
At my last session in August (i didnt know it was to be the last), my Therapist conveyed in no uncertain terms how angry and resentful she was feeling, as she looked back over the years of my treatment with her, and how difficult i had made her life.

I could not defend myself, because she was right.
During the last 8 years, i have suffered bouts of major depression. I have threatened suicide too many times to count. I have used self injurious behaviors as a defense. I have called her numerous times in between sessions.....sometimes even twice a day, when we did emdr and I had a bad reaction.
Its been a rough 8 years.
And I have caused her to suffer.

I sat and listened to her tell me how difficult it has been for her, how many sleepless nights i have caused her, and how I need a higher level of care which she can no longer provide.
I was stunned at her outburst.....She has never told me such things before....
I sat and stared while hot tears coursed down my cheeks.
I cried and cried, and then left her office.

I have not seen her since.
I left her a msg wishing her a good yom tov, and she returned my call, by leaving a really warm and kind message, and wishing me and my family lots of good things.
She called me again after Yom tov, asking if I wanted her to talk to my new therapist in the program to help clarify things.
I told her that since she is no longer my Therapist , there is no reason for her to be in touch with the DBT program. She replied that she still is my therapist, and in her eyes she has not abandoned me.

In the end i gave permission for them to talk, hoping it would help me somehow.
It didnt of course.

I am left feeling abandoned and misunderstood.
I understand perfectly the course of things, yet my emotions overwhelm my logical mind.

I tell myself that she is "only" a therapist!
Why am I so deeply hurt?
But the reality is that i do feel a profound sense of pain and sorrow.
Ridiculous I know, but I am feeling it nonetheless.

In the end, even if I do complete the program (i have actually almost decided to quit), I will never be able to forgive her for the months of anguish I have suffered, and still do feel, because of her forced departure from me.

I am so full of anger and hate, yet I miss her so badly it brings me to tears just thinking about her office and my sessions.
I had come to rely on her too much.
I am an adult.
I am not a child who "needs".
I am a dependent woman with a husband and children.

And yet I cry and cry for the loss of a person whom i had come to trust and respect.
The pain feels so raw that i often think I cannot survive it.
But I am here.
Alive and well.
Smiling to the world,
while the tears drown my heart.

I wish the pain would subside, so that i can begin to breathe once again.

thank you all for listening
 
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mouse
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10/27/08 1:36 AM
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Beats me why you feel that way, but I've been there too. It is awful. I didn't get over my therapist quitting on me for many yrs. (and in some ways still haven't.) I think part of it is that we trust them with very private info. and then they get mad at us or give up on us because it seems hopeless. It's kind of a betrayal of trust. It prolly didn't help that your t had a temper tantrum about how awful and difficult you made it for her. As if you needed that kinda guilt (after all you aren'ta psychopath or something, you really don['t need that guilt.) The only comfort i can give you is that it does get better. For yrs I "stalked" my former therapist...called her phone to listen to her voice.... I still do in a way....I google her name occasionally and watch footage of her on there (she's qute prominent in trauma.) I even got her aol address...I guess that qualifies as full fledged stalking. But for over a yr I have not tried to contact her. It has affected my relationships with t's since then. I had little trust with the t that she recommended i go to after she quit on me. I then got married and found one i liked and was positive she'd quit on me every few wks. It took a long time of me asking everymonth or so "when are you quitting on me?" until i finally realized she wouldn't. Although she thinks a DBT program is best for me right now, she hasn't quit on me as she knows it is truly not a possiblility as I'm dealing with nutty-kid crises at the moment. for me, after reading what i just wrote i realize that it was a very traumatic break up. Perhaps it was because it had nothing to do with me. (She said she wouldn't see me unless i went to family therapy and my parents refused to cooperate even though i was hell-bent on killing myself.) But nonetheless, it's traumatic. i'd luv to say you'll get over it in time, but for me it's been well over 8 yrs now and i'm still thinking of her a lot. i guess this isn't much of a relief, but at least you know you're not the only one who this has happened to and that it hurts a lot no matter waht your sit. (I'm married with kids, and seemingly normal and sane to my friends.)


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Debbi
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10/27/08 1:01 PM
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Thanks Munkster for your understanding.
Sorry u have been through this too.

This morning I am feeling so alone.
In a house full of children I am alone.

how is that possible?

I miss her so much, and yet I think that were I to meet her on the street, I would walk past as though she were a stranger.

I have shared my deepest feelings with this woman.
She has listened to my pain, and sat with me while I cried.
I have told her things I could never share with any other person.
And I will walk by, as though she is a stranger.

Makes no logical sense.

I did not go to the DBT program today.
I feel as though I need to stay home and mourn in silence.
Why bother sharing my deep sense of aloneness to another therapist?
So that she can dump me also?

I have learnt my lesson.
As usual, the hard way.
 
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HopefulMommy
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10/27/08 3:54 PM
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Debbi,

((((((HUGS)))))) Why do you say it's riduculous? It's not riduculous at all. It makes perfect sense. A relationship is a relationship, whether you are paying her or not. If you lose a relationship, you need to mourn it. It's very hard.

Maybe your therapist is not angry with you. Maybe she just feels that it's too much responsibility for her to handle your case, and she is afraid to mess up. The stakes are too high. But I'm sure she still cares about you and wants the best for you.

You are an adult, with husband and children. But inside you there is a hurt little girl. She needs you. She needs your adult self to care about her feelings, accept them, and validate them. Can you tell her you understand that it hurts to lose a relationship? Can you be the one to support yourself through this difficult experience?
 
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Debbi
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10/27/08 10:33 PM
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i cringe when i hear the "inner child" theory.
i have had therapists talk to me about it, and I have read the litarature. For some odd reason that part of me disgusts me.

Lately I have begun to acknowledge the fact that the little girl exists, but I cannot as yet make a decision to do anything other than feel deep hate.

And the hate and disgust are powerful.

Hopefulmommy, you ask me if I can support myself? I have been asked that before, but have failed to understand the meaning. While reading your post, for some odd reason it clicked! I realise now that its the small "me" deep inside which is in pain. It is not my adult self (which is for the most part competent and resourceful..etc ) feeling hurt.

Therefore the adult part of me can perhaps, somehow comfort the hurt child?

Is that what you meant?

Sounds intriguing.

But how can I comfort a hateful, disgusting, ugly child?
I feel only a deep hatred towards her.

I'm supposing there is alot more work to be done......
 
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HopefulMommy
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10/28/08 1:30 AM
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Why do you feel that she is hateful, disgusting, and ugly? Imagine her as a newborn. Wasn't she cute and loveable? How can a little girl be disgusting?

I have to tell you, it helps me so much to be able to say this to you, because I've been through this process of connecting with my younger self, and not liking her initially, and then imagining her as a baby, kind of like my own kids, and realizing that you can't hate a baby. I know this somewhere inside myself, but when I say it here, it makes it even more real and powerful.
 
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Debbi
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10/28/08 1:49 PM
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i do hate it even if the "it"were a baby.

i think i was born disgusting.
its under my skin.
 
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unhelpable.
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10/28/08 3:42 PM
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you're not disgusting.
no one is born disgusting. people make disgusting choices, and do disgusting things, but that doesn't make them disgusting people.
and nothing will ever make you disgusting, however much people and circumstances make you feel that way.
i'm still trying to convince myself of this, but i think i belive it...


-------------------------
"everyone crys every now and then, my tears just happen to be red."
 
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HopefulMommy
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10/28/08 5:02 PM
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Agreed with unhelpable.

Why do you think you were born disgusting? Where is that coming from? Have you ever seen a baby that was disgusting?

Have you tried looking at your baby pictures? I did that. I found that the baby was kind of cute, although very tense and not happy.
 
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frumsw
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10/29/08 11:08 AM
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You make perfect sense to me. I remember when my first therapist was getting married and moving away. I walked home totally in shock-like a zombie. A neighbor met me later in the day when we were waiting for our kids to get off the bus, took 1 look at me and asked what happened. I didn't answer but I felt like someone close to me died. This was my reaction when we had a peaceful parting but I can't imagine my devastation if I would be made to feel guilty like it's my fault. Saying you need a higher level of care that she can't provide is one thing but to blame you for her not setting stronger boundaries is her fault. I can also understand you have no stomach to continue the DBt when you are still mourning the old relationship but be careful, you don't want to lose the slot (I don't know how that place works, waiting lists etc.) Give yourself a break and a chance to mourn. Too bad there is no shiva for these kind of things because we certainly can use a week to not function and just cry. hugs hugs.


-------------------------
frumsw
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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11/16/08 11:27 PM
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Debbi,
I agree with what the other members are saying. I know it's hard to open up to another therapist, but that's the only way to give them a chance. Take your time, share your fears with opening up, and explain how you felt betrayed. I am upset that your previous therapist unloaded on you the way she did.
a lynn
 
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