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TOPIC TITLE: Marriage counseling worth a try???
Created On 1/5/09 3:11 AM
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mouse
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1/5/09 3:11 AM
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Need to get some input. I've been married for eight, almost nine, years now. Everything for the most part seems to be going ok in the relationship as far as I can tell. HOWEVER, I have two kids (twins) who are each having major trouble in school behaviorally. They are six years old. My daughter is having trouble keeping her anger in check. She has left class with all her coat and bookbag twice this year out of anger of what is happening in school. She refuses to participate in music (she sits under a desk or in the corner and colors.) She refuses to do work in class at times. She has actually managed to get suspended from school (from a school that hasn't suspended anyone in nine years.)

Meanwhile my son, who is likely to be diagnosed with some other problems such as Asperger's, is having other issues also related to anger. The school social worker says he say hostile things to her unexpectedly and seems to have a lot of pent up anger. She sees him individually for an hour a week for about a year now so she is basing this on what she observed over a long period of time. She said last year he was angry, this year he has put it up a notch into the hostile category. He is repeating Pre 1A due to the emotional/social issues and deficits he has.

Meanwhile, I'm in a day hospital for my own issues. (Ghosts I brought in to marriage from way before marriage.) My husband is unaware of many of the difficulties and just knows about the "depression." I assume he has seen the cuts on my arm and has some knowledge of some of the other destructive stuff but isn't confronting me on it.

I feel my marriage is relatively open and honest and that although I have my secrets, it's a functioning marriage. I guess the obvious question is then, "how do you get two kids who at age six are having such problems in school?" Is it because I'm cutting? Is the cutting just a symptom of a problem in the marriage? Are the kids just nutty because of hereditary factors? Would family therapy or whatever you call it help any of the above problems when I really don't see any anger or hostility in the marriage? What goals would there be if I entered marriage counseling if I don't see any problem with my marriage? Are my kids a symptom of a larger problem or are they the problem in this case? I'm scared to enter marriage counseling if there is no problem because I don't want there to be a problem when we leave. Any insight from this would be appreciated.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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su7kids
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1/5/09 10:00 AM
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I am no expert, but it seems that at this point, the children would benefit from serious individual counseling, more than just the school counselor. I'm sure they are unsettled from your coming and going, emotionally and physically and need to learn coping skills. It could be that your son's issues just make it tougher for him, but it sounds as if both of them have pent up feelings of something, and if they were able to confront those issues and deal with them head on now, maybe they can avoid the same kind of pain you're dealing with yourself, when they reach your age.

I don't like secrecy in marriage, but I do believe the children need more help right now. You're getting the help. As that unfolds, you probably should think about being more open with your husband. Who knows what he's thinking? Blaming himself? Lost with no idea which way to turn? Maybe he needs individual counseling too. Whether everyone needs all the facts about you at this time, I'm not sure. But the kids certainly need individual counseling.

Get that started and see where it goes.

Hugs to you, and kol hakavod for having their interests at heart!!!


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Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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Aba
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1/5/09 2:38 PM
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From my experience I need to agree with Su.
My kids are doing as well as they are doing today b/c they had and (some are still having) individual therapy. We also just got a mentor the the youngest boy from project Yes.

As far as Marriage counseling goes we did it as an extension of Ema's therapy. I am very happy we did as it gave us communication skills which we didn't have in the past and it helped me better understand what is going on. I am also now gaining from having my own sessions once a week.

As you can see I'm the poster child for Su's post .

I can guarantee (almost) that your husband has a million and one questions and comments which he wants to say and ask but doesn't know how and when. Joint therapy will give him a safe place to express them and they will probably come rushing out like a rushing river.
Also, expect him to be reluctant at first.

Kol Tuv,
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden

Edited: 1/5/09 at 2:39 PM by Aba
 
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gad
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1/5/09 4:28 PM
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With all due respect to su7 and abba, I tend to side more with what Munkster said.

Her marriage is basically ok. As the expression goes, "If something isn't broken, why fix it?"

I agree with su7 and abba that individual counselling for the kids would probably help a lot. Perhaps that can be tried first; and later, if it is thought to be necessary, the option of marriage counselling can be explored.


Edited: 1/5/09 at 4:30 PM by gad
 
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frumsw
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2/15/09 7:53 PM
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My view is that family counseling would address all of the above problems and figure out where to put the focus-is there a parenting issue, are the mother's emotional issues effecting the children, are her issues effecting her marraige etc.


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frumsw
 
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