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TOPIC TITLE: What do I do???
Created On 2/27/09 3:08 PM
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Holding on
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2/27/09 3:08 PM
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First, my apologies for not being there for anyone.
Im not sure where this post belongs, but...
idk where to start. A lot has happened in the last few weeks.
First, my father got upset at me and has disconnected the internet completely, so I cannot really get online regularly.
Bec of a certain situation going on at home, my father was upset at me and while 'talking' to me, told me that "ur a good example of what happens when you let the yetzer horah take over" - Thanks father dear.
I feel like that comment took whatever there was left of me and shattered it.
That same week, bec of the same situation at home, my brother wanted to know "where's the pintel yid in you that has rachmanus?" thanks bro.
Thru all the numbness I felt after my father's comment, this still hurt me. So now i'm not Jewish either.
I know everyone's going to argue that I shouldn't listen to them, that it's not who I am... but I cant anymore.
i'm beyond caring for myself. I cant sleep. (this past week's schedule: sleep max 4 hrs, no sleep, 3 hrs, no sleep...) I dont eat normally anymore. (parents are killing me for that too)
I cant do this anymore. My parents knotice I'm acting differently and yet they have no clue...
I need major help. I couldn't believe myself when I seriously asked a friend about going inpatient. But that idea totally freaks me out.
I wouldnt start with therapy now bec it would just make me crash even more (if thats possible). I need so much more than that. I feel like Im beyond hope, beyond help.
What do I do? Where do I go?
I feel like im on the verge of becoming a drug addict, alcoholic, and developing an ED. Seriously, I know it sounds crazy, extreme, maybe even that im looking for attention. but honestly its just how i feel. i feel like im reaching out now, going to try one last time b4 I fall, fall, fall...
I know this is one crazy long vent, but i dont get online nowadays and i cant do this anymore. Sorry.
My insurance doesnt cover anything having to do with mental health.
I have married siblings.
Can a hospital help me?
How do I get myself to try to do anything about getting such help when it freaks me out?
Even if I do, how do I talk to my parents? Or do I?
How do I dissapear?
Sorry for venting. And thank you if you've read thru it all.
idk when I can get online next, but replies are muchly appreciated.

Gut Shabbos!
 
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mouse
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2/27/09 3:51 PM
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You are truly in a bad spot. I'm sorry. I hope things get better. I have no suggestions.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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killedlastyear
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2/27/09 4:28 PM
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wow. i so know what you're going through. at least somewhat to some extent.
i've been in that place.
my parents took away my computer, they've gone through my stuff before. told me similar things to what your family is saying to you.
i didn't have a therapist at the time either.
i wanted drugs, alcohol, an escape.
the eating disorder, cutting. i tried to just do something. anything.
i have no advice.
try for whatever you can though. try the hospital if that's your only option.
don't hurt yourself though.
it's a couple years later. i have a computer and though i'm still living with them things are a little better.
hopefully it'll get better for you as well.
i thought i was going to just DIE. (not because i didn't have a computer obviously- but because i had NOTHING anymore and my family didn't care about how i felt, they wanted me to be a totally different person.forced me to.)

vent vent vent though! write tons of posts if you have to. venting really helps sometimes. even just a TIIIINY bit.

p.s. feel free to pm me if you want. even if its just to vent more
 
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su7kids
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2/27/09 6:28 PM
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I want to give you all hugs and take away your pain, but the hugs I can give.

I am guessing that "understanding" where your parents and siblings are coming from probably doesn't help. Knowing that they have no clue whatsoever what they're doing and the affect of their words on you. Its almost as if they, too, have a "disorder" and we need to have rachmones for them while trying to work on our own ways of coping.

Words can be very hurtful and they can also be very healing. I hope you find the healing ones from within yourself.

Hugs and good Shabos.


-------------------------
Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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Debbi
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3/1/09 12:08 AM
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u can actually walk into any ER and ask for help.
usually if u r admitted, then they will not release u until u have a discharge plan in place. so that would mean u will HAVE to hav your own therapist. i doubt your parents could argue with that if it comes from doctors in hospital?

i hope u can take some steps to help urself before things get worse.

loads of hugs to you....((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((holding on))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

i undrstand the terrible pain u r experiencing.
Good 4 you for reaching out to all of us here. you are one brave soul!
 
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Aba
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3/2/09 9:12 AM
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holding on,
I'm sorry to hear your having a tough time and that your computer connection has been cut. I know one of the main reasons I haven't gotten rid of the internet in my home is Ema needs it, she can sit for hours reading the forum on http://www.something-fishy.org and I think it does help.

IP is very scary but it does help it gives you a safe place where you can cool off and maybe refocus your self. Ema has been all over at least 6 different places. The best one was Four Winds Hospital in Westchester http://www.fourwindshospital.com/westchester/westchester.html . A virtual friend of mind spoke very highly of Carrier Clinic in Belle Mead, NJ - http://www.carrierclinic.org/ . Seb613 also had a positive experience Maybe PM him were he went.

Debbi's ER idea seems like a good way to get this going but since most hospitals don't have a Mental Heath word they may give you a choice were you can go so it may pay to have a few ideas.

I hope the strength which has inspired all of us returns sooner then latter.
Ema sends her love and (((((HUGS)))))

Kol tuv,
Aba


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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mouse
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3/2/09 10:00 PM
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I was at Carrier Clinic. It wasn't so great. They discharged too soon if insurance didn't cooperate. Mine did. I got the royal stay (a full wk. for little reason.) It wasn't bad, but not helpful either. Princeton House, although not as entertaining (no ping pong table, for example) provided better quality care from doctors down to mental health techs.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Aba
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3/3/09 8:36 AM
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munkster,
Thanks for the clarification since Holding On mentioned she doesn't have mental health on her insurance plan.
Aba


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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killedlastyear
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3/3/09 9:08 PM
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Quote

Originally posted by: abaof4
holding on,
I'm sorry to hear your having a tough time and that your computer connection has been cut. I know one of the main reasons I haven't gotten rid of the internet in my home is Ema needs it, she can sit for hours reading the forum on http://www.something-fishy.org and I think it does help.




i'd totally forgotten about that website. i went on it last night and was like occupied for an hour. thanks. i wasn't doing so great last night and needed the distraction.

p.s. holding on... i hope you've figured something out. and if not i hope you are able to!
 
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Holding on
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3/5/09 3:06 PM
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thank you all for your kind words of understanding, information, support and all the hugs. Im at my sisters now, so i could finally get online and respond.

A couple of things happened since I last posted.
My eating has gotten worse and at one point my mother actually threatened to call hatzalah
The urge to hurt myself just keeps get worse and more desperate. My friend wouldnt let me get off the phone until I promised her that I wouldn't OD or at least call her b4 I did. Then she was kind enough to give me the heads-up - if I took anything at all she was going to call hatzalah. Threatened twice in one week.
The latest blow - I lost my job. REALLY bad timing.
I desperately need internet access so I can at least vent... its driving me insane.
And I absolutely Hate arguing with my parents.


One step I did manage this week (out of desperation?) - I managed to tell my parents I wanted to see a therapist again. I was happy when at least they didnt question me as to why and they were ok with it. I guess I do look as bad as ppl have been telling me of late.
Wait, and I didn't really hurt myself. (just biting when I couldn't hold on anymore).

Im still doubting myself about if i could actually Do therapy w/o falling apart b4 it helps and i feel a bit better. Do i risk it? Inpatient is tempting bec i dont want to take care of myself anymore, i cant care about myself, but even just thinking about it still makes me freak out. Do i take what i can get (therapy), let myself fall apart, and hope against hope that i wont fall too far b4 i feel better?
i'm so lost.

I do have to add, however, that I have some really special friends who have helped me get information (in case i'm ever ready for inpatient), have stayed on the phone with me all night (literally) and just in general been really supportive. Thank you! Just the same (even though I cant get online regularly) I do appreciate the replies I get here. Thank you.
 
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downandout
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3/5/09 8:19 PM
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I'm glad you were able to get online, at least for today. It's good to see you writing in - and venting, as you mentioned.
Tons of (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) and good luck with all the decisions....
YOU CAN SO DO IT!


-------------------------
I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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gad
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3/5/09 10:59 PM
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Originally posted by: Holding on
Im still doubting myself about if i could actually Do therapy w/o falling apart b4 it helps and i feel a bit better. Do i risk it? Inpatient is tempting bec i dont want to take care of myself anymore, i cant care about myself, but even just thinking about it still makes me freak out. Do i take what i can get (therapy), let myself fall apart, and hope against hope that i wont fall too far b4 i feel better?
i'm so lost.


Perhaps this is a question that you can ask your therapist.

It's nice that you have good friends.

Hope to hear good news.
 
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Aba
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3/6/09 9:00 AM
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B"H you have some great friends.
It defiantly is a tough question to try therapy to see if it will help or go strait for IP (sorry I have no advice on that one). Even while you are deciding it pays to look for the new therapist, so even if you do decide to go IP soon you may be able to have a therapist waiting for you when you get out.

It was great to "hear" from you I hope you can get back on soon.
Good Shaboos,
Aba.



-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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Holding on
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3/12/09 12:47 PM
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Just a quick update - my parents are looking into a therapist for me. I did tell my father that i wanted to ask around first tho, so if anyone has had a good experience w/ anyone i'd really appreciate it if u could share, either here or in PM.
Im still scared and unsure if i can do therapy w/o crashing, but what can I do???
But its a good feeling that my parents realize im serious about getting help.

tc
 
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killedlastyear
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3/12/09 4:27 PM
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That's good that you were able to discuss things with your parents in the end. That really must have taken guts.
That's smart to do research and ask around for someone. I hope you're able to find a therapist that's a good match for you. I wish you much success in your therapy venture (I hope I'm using that word correctly).
 
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downandout
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3/13/09 9:15 AM
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Good for you! I'm glad your parents are realizing that you need the help.
Hatzlacha.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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Holding on
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3/17/09 9:43 PM
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ok. Im officially not freaking out right now. Seriously, Im not. Why would I be??? I have an appointment, but it's like over a day away. Thursday morning. What a way to start the day.
OMG!!!!!!!! I cant do this. I feel soooooo sick. Well, that might have to do with my therapy appointment, the fact that I drank too much last night, or bec. my friend is extremely suicidal right now. Hmmm.... Seriously, I have to drink again tonight or take pills. I wanna do both, but I cant very well go to my first therapy appointment feeling sick from mixing now can i?
Please, someone... (idk why Im writing like this now cuz I cant stay online) I cant face this night. I cant do it alone. I'm falling apart...
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
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HopefulHeart711
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3/22/09 5:36 PM
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Holding on, I feel for you. Sometimes it's as though the whole world is gonna collapse on u and u feel like u can't face anything. Just hang on bec. although it seems like everything is so so so so awful, it sometimes gets better. I know from experience. ((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))) i love u. Hang on there. im thinking of u
 
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mouse
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3/27/09 4:05 AM
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Holding on, how did the appt. go? -- Curious Georgette


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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