Login
Questions or Comments!
admin@frumsupport.com

Get FrumSupport News! Join our mailing list.
Email:


Search

Navigation:

 Tehilim List  < Refresh >
TOPIC TITLE: inner child
Created On 10/25/10 2:20 PM
Topic View:

View thread in raw text format


Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

10/25/10 2:20 PM
User is offline

I have been in therapy for many years namely for sxual abuse which happened to me when i was a child.

I have always been in therapy just to keep myself afloat from different ailments like depression, anxiety and mostly PTSD symptoms.
Recently my therapist has begun some inner child work with me.
I am really excited about it, and desperately want it to work. I so often feel fragmented, as though my being exists of parts and small incohesive pieces. I so much want to be a whole person, with parts that interact fluidly with one an other.

last week during the first session I recognised a part of me that sleeps. I relised that this part was designed to pretend to be sleeping while the abuse was happening. Then i became aware of another part of me, that "watched" to make sure that "sleeper" stayed sleeping.

It all makes alot of sense to me, and even makes me feel more "together" on some level. However I also feel weird and strange, as though there is something really wrong with me. I mean which sane person has "parts"?? It sounds like all the books ive read about ppl suffering from MPD.

i so wish there was someone else out there who has experienced something similar and perhaps knows how i'm feeling.

Since Friday I have been having nightmares. Its hard, bc i wake up feeling as though I havent slept, and then i'm scared to go to sleep again the next night!
Ive been feeling a little disoriented too. Like when i took my kids to school this morning, i kept on asking myself "what am i doing?" "Whats the point of life? Whats everyone doing running around for? Where? What?"
I HATE those thoughts bc they stop me from doing what I should be doing, and instead proplell me to get back into bed and sleep.

Does anyone understand?
I think writing here allows me to organise my thoughts, and perhaps be aware that i am NOT going crazy!
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Aba
Senior Supporter

Posts: 546
Joined: Jul 2008

10/25/10 10:04 PM
User is offline View users profile

>Does anyone understand?

I don't know if I understand but it does sound very cool (overall that is, I'm not play down the scary side) and I hope it works out.

And I don't think your crazy either.

Kol Tuv.


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

10/26/10 10:17 AM
User is offline

thanks abba for bothering to reply-
today i feel quite sane.
you see thats how it works. Every hour of the day my thoughts, mood and feelings change. Its like living on a roller coaster except its not so much fun.
Today i have therapy again- lets see what that stirs up.
Its a constant struggle to try and keep my mood on a basic level, but it doesnt usually work and I am mostly up and down.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

10/26/10 3:24 PM
User is offline

so i had my session today.
I learned a few interesing things. i learned that my therapist has noticed how hard i'm working and she wants me to know that she will make a great effort to work hard hard too. That makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside- almost like she really cares?
It makes me feel stronger too- to know that i have an alliance, a powerful one- my therapist!

The sleeping part is very heavy inside me. Its carrying a heavy burden and ive realised that it weighs me down. It almost feels like i'm swimming in water trying to stay afloat and i have this huge iron ball tied to my leg pulling me under. Its a struggle to stay above the water line.

Today in my session I found out (sounds so funny to find things out about urself) that the sleeping part doesnt want me to know all the stuff its carrying around. You see i really know what happened, i mean i sometimes get flashes of images about details that occured when i was 5yrs old. However i have no recollection about how i felt or what i was thinking- thats where the sleeping part comes in. It carries ALL the painful feelings that i couldnt feel.

Its begining to make some sense in a bizarre sort of way.
So i need to put it all together.
"sleeper" pretends to be asleep but in reality it is taking in all the pain. The watching part watches and sees whats happening but feels nothing. It doesnt have to bc "sleeper" is taking care of that very nicely.
And I, the little girl that everyone sees running around playing knows nothing. It was the only way the little girl could survive.

And now all these many years later, the sleepng part has become too heavy.
Ive carried it far too long. I dont want to cary it any more.
And thats why i'm in therapy- trying to lessen the pain by talking about it.
my main problem now is that i'm scared to say the words
scared to know the pain
i dont want to get depressed and sad
how do i get through this without it overwhelming me?

I still have a life besides therapy-
i have children and a husband and i work and i'm in school too.
But i know that i will never feel whole unless i do this work.
its got to be done!
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Aba
Senior Supporter

Posts: 546
Joined: Jul 2008

10/26/10 9:53 PM
User is offline View users profile

>its got to be done!
GO FOR IT!!!!


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

10/26/10 10:09 PM
User is offline

Thanx for reading Aba !
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

10/27/10 9:54 AM
User is offline

Today my mind is buzzing.
It feels as though so much is going on inside my head- so much noise.
I am trying to figure out exactly what all the noise is about.
I think I need to talk about what happened to me. I need to actually verbalise the words.
Writing is not enough any more.
Today I need to go into my therapy session- sit down- and tell her the story.
I wont be able to narrate the feelings because only the sleeping part has that information. I'm not ready for the feelings yet anyway.
I feel a strong need to get this story out, in a neat organised fashion, starting from the begining and finishing at the end.
It feels like its the right thing to do....
and yet I know that as soon as I sit down on the couch, all my words will get stuck right in my throat and I will not be able to utter a sound!
This has happened many times before and its frustrating and horrible.
I feel stupid and humiliated.
I sit there and feel like an idiot.
And then I walk out and I'm left with all the words stuck inside my head.
I pray that today will be different.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

10/28/10 10:33 AM
User is offline

Its only 10:30 in the morning and already my day feels difficult.
i feel frozen.
I have so much to do- like laundry, grocery shopping, cooking for shabbos and lots of school work, and i cant do anything.
Ive been sitting at my computer staring at the screen not able to get up and get going.
Does this have to do with yesterday's therapy session?
I couldnt say what I wanted to say, it was so frustrating.
I wonder if anyone else has this problem, of words needing to emerge and instead they get stuck inside?
I knew exactly what I wanted to say, but no voice to say them.
Where is my voice??
I need a voice.

I am so stuck
and frozen
I want to move and I cant,
should I just crawl back into bed and then get stressed out when everything piles up and I have to do so much at once?
Or should I use opposite action and push myself through this frozen haze?

I think i will go back to bed.
is anyone out there who understands??
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Aba
Senior Supporter

Posts: 546
Joined: Jul 2008

10/28/10 12:26 PM
User is offline View users profile

>I think i will go back to bed.
>is anyone out there who understands??
I think most of us understand; the ones who don't, I'm sure, do feel your pain.

>I think I need to talk about what happened to me. I need to actually verbalize the words.
>Writing is not enough any more.
If you have written about it would it help to read what you wrote?
Would it help using dolls to act it out to yourself and your therapist?

I hope I'm not putting more pressure on you with my ideas as I have no idea if the above ideas are productive or counter-productive.

good luck and kol tuv.


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden

Edited: 10/28/10 at 12:27 PM by Aba
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

10/28/10 2:27 PM
User is offline

thank u so much for staying with me here.
i think ure ideas are good- although my therapist doesnt have dolls or any toys in her office- and even if she would i think i would feel too self conscious to use them!
I know that dolls are used for kids in this situation.

i need to use my voice.
When its written it still feels like a secret- and the secret has become too heavy to carry.

Its 2:15 and ive been in bed most of the day.
I am in touch with my therapist who is encouraging me to talk to the part of me that is keeping me stuck, and not giving me enough space to get on with my day.
We agreed that the "unmoving" part needs some compassion and understanding, given that it doesnt have a voice. I need to reassure it and validate that its hard not to have a voice, and staying in bed may feel safe but it wont help me to get the skills i need to strengthen my voice.

This work is hard.
I will try to do it- but its a huge struggle.
i am being propelled to get into bed and stay under the covers and never get out.
I know logically that it wont help me, and that nothing will get done in the house and then my children will suffer.

I HAVE to get myself moving.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



channafofanna
Senior Supporter

Posts: 1352
Joined: Jul 2009

10/30/10 11:29 PM
User is offline View users profile

hey, sorry to "inturupt" but about the whole "parts thing" i think its a natrul coping mechanism that everyone uses, but most are to stupid to see it. wich is basicaly saying ur x stupid and are one of the lucky ones who isnt hiding from theirselves. sometimes it takes a lot of pain to do that.....
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



channafofanna
Senior Supporter

Posts: 1352
Joined: Jul 2009

10/30/10 11:31 PM
User is offline View users profile

as if that makes any sence to whovers trying to read this, but i hope maybe ull get what im saying a bit...?
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Holding on
Senior Supporter

Posts: 335
Joined: Mar 2006

11/1/10 2:23 PM
User is offline

Debbi, (hi, i know its been ages)

I think I know what you mean w the different parts. I think its common w survivors and at least to me it makes perfect sense. Ur not crazy. Ur brain was doing what it needed to in order to survive.
I know you feel tired and wanting to stay in bed sometimes, but you are Strong! You can do this! You have come so so far.

Thinking abt you...
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

11/4/10 9:45 AM
User is offline

thanks all for your comments- it feels good to be understood.

it seems that the work i was doing with all those parts got too overwhelming so we had to slow down.
its very frustrating because i just want to get beyond this and put it all behind me so that i can move on with my life.

Instaed of talking about the abuse I have to learn to regulate my emotions, so that when intense emotions rise up to overwhelm me i know how to manage them. Its harder than it sounds, sometimes my emotions get the better of me and i find it difficult to calm down.

This morning I had some flashbacks, but nothing i couldnt deal with.

I find the days so difficult- my strongest urge is to go into bed and stay there for as long as possible. I have to fight and fight to get myself moving and doing the necessary mundane things that we all need to do.

How do I keep on fighting that urge??
Right now I should get up away from the computer and get out of the house and go swimming. Excersise always makes me feel better- and then I need to think about supper for kids and shopping and cooking for shabbos and of course all the laundry....

but no! the little voice inside me says "go to sleep go to sleep.........."

does anyone else struggle with this?
i just started taking Seroquel at night and I think its sedative effect is lasting far into into the day.
anyone have this experience?
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

11/6/10 9:39 PM
User is offline

i feel so depressed.
i am tired all the time- all i want to do is sleep. i keep on thinking that maybe its the meds thats making me so tired. Its hard for me to feel motivated by anything.
I hate feeling like this
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

11/12/10 2:07 PM
User is offline

I had some memories this week. I was ok, didnt think about them too much.
This morning in therapy I casually told my therapist about the memories- she was curious about why I was so calm and unemotional- she wanted me to identify the feelings she was sure must be hiding somewhere considering the fact we were talking about a difficullt subject.
I managed to try and find a tiny part of me that was perhaps waiting to cry later on after the session in the privacy of my home.
In the past whenever I have spoken about old memories I have gone home and become dysfunctional- not sleeping, losing my appetite, feeling foggy, dizzy, crying spells and lots more.

Today we talked about how i would use skills to get me through any reactions I may have.
I am glad to report that so far its been working.
When negative thoughts started surfacing I put my feet on the floor and concntrated on "feeling" the hard floor beneath me- it helped me to feel more grounded and more in my body than in my head.
Also every time thoughts came up I pushed them away and told myself that now is not the right time.
I'm learning to talk to myself more positively. I tell myself that its ok to have memories- its not my fault and its bc there is some healthy part that wants me to know and make sense of some things that happened in the past. And its ok to want to know these things.

I feel so empowered to have these skills so that I dont have to fall apart and become suicidal and end up in the hospital.
All the above are DBT skills and are worth every minute of the time I spent learning them.
still have a long way to go....
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Aba
Senior Supporter

Posts: 546
Joined: Jul 2008

11/14/10 12:21 PM
User is offline View users profile

More power to you.
Kol Tuv


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

11/14/10 8:03 PM
User is offline

ty for reading
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

11/14/10 8:26 PM
User is offline

ive been having lots of flashbacks- they come as body sensations and last for a very short time, sometimes less than a minute. they are very uncomfortable, and distressing especially when they happen for no apparant reason and are not connected to anything that is happening at that moment.

i need to connect the dots, which is what i am doing in therapy.
often my brain feels as though it is made up of a tangle of wires of all different colors and slowly but surely i need to straighten them all out.
On Friday in my session my brain actually hurt with all the untangling I worked on!
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



seekinganswers
Junior Supporter

Posts: 10
Joined: May 2009

1/10/11 1:14 PM
User is offline

hi debbie,
if that is your real name, i think you're really brave.
i read all the above posts and i totally understand. there are so many things i struggle with that identify w/ yours.
Being fragmented. the past being to difficult to deal with when i'm trying to function, the meds making me tired, i had to stop taking the sleep aids bec. i was sluggish and hung over all day.

i need to vent a bit, hope it's ok.
been in therapy for about 5 years, and i left my job, about 3 years ago. was in a major depression. tried going back a year later and couldnt' hold up.
same thing with college. it's been a dream of mine forever to get an education... and i couldn't manage it.
now i have thoughts at time about trying to go back to work again, but i'm terrified. i just about manage the house, husband, kids, and myself, but i feel as though it would be good for me to get out again.
i'm so scared even thinking about it. does anyone get this?
how do you work/be in school with all that's going on for you?
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



toy123
Senior Supporter

Posts: 834
Joined: Sep 2009

1/10/11 2:41 PM
User is offline

seekinganswers it's not easy let me tell you. I started school in September and it really put me into a depression. I start my new semester tomorrow and am absolutely terrified!!!!!! So don't push yourself if you can't do it - it's not worth it.


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



seekinganswers
Junior Supporter

Posts: 10
Joined: May 2009

1/10/11 6:29 PM
User is offline

toy123
good luck!!!!
what are you in school for ?
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

1/12/11 10:05 PM
User is offline

i would be so glad to chat w u, unfortunately i will b going in- patient tom. No internet access in the hosp, but wen i get bak i will respond.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



toy123
Senior Supporter

Posts: 834
Joined: Sep 2009

2/1/11 4:28 PM
User is offline

Debbie are you out of the hospital already?


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

2/2/11 3:24 PM
User is offline

yes, i was discharged last Tuesday - a week ago. And then I went on vacation which was supposed to help me feel less stressed.
It did, and I came home on monday.

I'm not feeling that much better, the hospital served to keep me safe I guess, but nothings changed, so I'm back in the same situation that I was before.

still urges to cut, and thoughts of suicide, although much less.

i went to therapy yesterday, but i was totally zoned out.
i cudent focus, i was falling asleep. my therapist got frustrated- which i guess i understand, but all the same it wasnt as though i was deliberatly being unfocused.

I cancelled my after hospital app with my dr. (Dr. N) He's all annoyed now- and its not so good to be on the wrong side of this dr. Thank Gd hes away till next wk.
Who did u see after u were discharged?
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



toy123
Senior Supporter

Posts: 834
Joined: Sep 2009

2/4/11 1:25 AM
User is offline

Got discharged on Monday. Went straight from the hospital to my therapist for an individual appointment then group. I need to make an appointment with my psychiatrist but he's away till next week....... I'm terrified to see him though cuz I don't know what he'll say to me........


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

2/5/11 9:24 PM
User is offline

i know wat u mean.
I'm worried about the same thing.
I have no energy to be yelled at.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
Psychologist

Posts: 914
Joined: Feb 2005

2/21/11 2:17 PM
User is offline

Debbi and Toy,
What happened with your therapists when you resumed treatment after your respective hospitalizations?
a lynn
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



channafofanna
Senior Supporter

Posts: 1352
Joined: Jul 2009

4/12/11 2:53 PM
User is offline View users profile

usualy they start with a "so how are you?"
sorry- not helping!
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



shtarkebachur
Senior Supporter

Posts: 308
Joined: Jul 2007

5/15/11 1:02 AM
User is offline View users profile

Hi, Debbi. You asked, regarding a therapy session you had:
"I couldnt say what I wanted to say, it was so frustrating.
I wonder if anyone else has this problem, of words needing to emerge and instead they get stuck inside?"
This definitely happens to me, on an almost constant basis with my therapist. During the week, I think of many things I would love to share with my therapist, such as my need for love (from him), which I'm very self-conscious about. Also, it's hard for me to share with him any violations of frumkeit, but I feel I could only learn to trust him if I could share everything with him. Then, once a week I meet with him, and when I do, I end up talking about other things, and it's very frustrating. Here is how I have been dealing with it:
Usually, when i need to say something but I can't say it, I try to start with something easier, perhaps something less personal, but related to the thing I want to share, and then I'll eventually see whether I get comfortable enough to say what I really wanted to say.
For example: I want to tell my therapist that I feel guilty about losing my temper at my father. So I start off by discussing my family life, such as telling him something my father did. Notice that I did not tell him anything that I did, so it's an easier way to start. Then , when I see that the therapist is responding in a way that makes me feel safe, I slowly put myself into the picture. I tell him something that I once said to my father which doesn't put me in a bad light. By then, my therapist can often make me feel comfortable enough to say what I really wanted to say.
This workaround doesn't always work, but it helps me feel less frustrated. Even if I end up deciding not to tell him what was on my mind, the session wasn't a waste of time. I got more comfortable, got to know him better, to see how he responds to me, and I shared some pretty important things. By becoming more comfortable, I might eventually be comfortable enough to share the really hard things.

Hope this helps!


-------------------------
Enjoying life while fighting anxiety!
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
Psychologist

Posts: 914
Joined: Feb 2005

6/2/11 7:22 PM
User is offline

Good support!
a lynn
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     

View thread in raw text format
FORUMS > Therapy < Refresh >

Navigation:

The information in this site is not intended to replace the advice of a doctor. FrumSupport disclaims any liability for the decisions you, the User, makes based on information on this site. By using this site, reading, viewing, posting or otherwise, you signify your assent to the Terms and Conditions of Use. If you do not agree to all these Terms and Conditions of Use, please do not use this site. FrumSupport may revise and update these Terms and Conditions of Use at anytime. Your continued usage of FrumSupport will mean you accept those changes.

If you think you or someone you know has a medical emergency, call your doctor, Hatzolah or 911 immediately. FrumSupport cannot and does not monitor forums and postings and cannot and will not pro-actively obtain help for users in need as FrumSupport does not have the funds or people power to accomplish such tasks and it will infringe on the anonymity of each user. Therefore, FrumSupport’s liability is limited by this paragraph and as further set forth in the Terms and Conditions of Use.