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TOPIC TITLE: Behind parents' backs
Created On 5/25/11 11:48 PM
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depressed
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5/25/11 11:48 PM
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A very close friend of mine has been going through a very difficult time. Her parents (mainly father) are verbally and physically abusive. They control her and give her no freedom and no opinion. Due to what she grew up with, she is stuck in a little shell and is left on the side socially and is suffering. She has shown many rebellious signs for a long time that's just getting worse. She is miserable at home and school and has no escape. She is petrified of her own shadow and can't live normally. Her father, being that he is a little umm..weird, crazy? whtvr, most likely won't allow her to go to therapy. She asked once before and his reply was "Hashem's your therapist". It took a lot of courage for her to ask him that and she's too afraid to push it again. Her parents blame the fact that she suffers in school on the fact that she is chutzpadik to them at home (understandably so due to suffering). She stopped eating now and I can't figure out why but she claims she doesn't have an appetite. I'm really freaked out because she is so skinny as it is she can't loose anything! She has been suicidal but not really in the sense that I thought she was officially depressed. Basically, she needs therapy and we don't know how to get her there without her parents knowing. They took away her phone privledge because she stopped eating. Where will the money come from? What will she tell her parents where she is? etc. Any ideas????!!!!!!! FAST!
 
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mouse
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5/26/11 6:38 PM
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You didn't seem to mention this, but perhaps it's time to tell a school counselor. She is in extreme danger if she's engaging in self-harm behaviors (and yes, and eating disorder is one.) Hopefully they'll be able to influence the parents to help their kid before it's too late. Hatzlocha.

BTW, school is REQUIRED to do something if the kid is indeed in danger. Make sure if they give excuses to mention the mandatory reporting line.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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depressed
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5/26/11 8:22 PM
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The school that she's in is crazy. They don't have anyone on top of things. She started speaking to a teacher and this teacher repeated e/t she said to other people and they made up rumors and it went crazy. Every time this teacher approaches her she speaks but she regrets it later. She's desperately crying out for help and I don't know how to do it. I'm the only one she told this to but I can't totally be a support since I'm having my own issues.
 
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channafofanna
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5/29/11 6:58 PM
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oy, i feel so bad for you!!! can you suggest this site for her? but i totaly understand if u dont want to cuz its like unconfidential or whatever.
Is there any responsible adult that knows her? or even that dosent that you cud talk to, so you can get some of her wieght off ur shoulders?
 
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frumsw
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5/30/11 9:24 PM
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She can try going to her local Jewish Board or Jewish clinic if she can get hold of her insurance card. Once she is over age 14 she can order her medical records confidential and they won't be allowed to tell her parents. How she will hide it from them...make up a chesed that she does once a week? If she's really feeling suicidal, she should go to a good hospital's emergency room, chas v'sholom she shouldn't try to hurt herself. She can try calling the Yittie Leibel Helpline for ideas. You're a good friend to try to help her. Sometimes that can really help a person keep going on in life even if the friend can't solve the problem. Good luck!


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frumsw
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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6/2/11 7:25 PM
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Thanks frumsw!
a lynn
 
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moshe
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6/10/11 5:28 PM
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u mentioned that her parents(father) is verbally and physically abusive. I think that that is the source of her problem. Normal parents know how to speak calmly. (like they do to the rest of the world to give a good impression of themselves, but when no one is watching they behave like real themselves)She needs to open up to an adult. She or u need to talk to a principal. As long as she will remain in such a household she will be unhappy even if she will go to the best therapist or best medications. Try together to find a caring adult(a teacher, a rav, etc.) in whom it is safe to confide. when your freind is "acting out" it means it is a call for help.
let us know what happened
 
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channafofanna
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6/12/11 2:59 PM
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moshe, i dont know you, but from your answer i could tell ur a rly caring guy... like it just popped out at me... and it sounds like your talking from experience in the matter...
 
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moshe
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6/16/11 1:14 PM
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hi chana,
I remember that u had similar issues as "depressed" above. I have emailed to u back then about the same topic. I have suggested a book by Moshe Medelevitz about his long term "kid at risk detour". How are u doing now? I remember that u had no one to confide in about your struggles and your parents were useless.
 
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channafofanna
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6/19/11 8:28 PM
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oh yeah!!!!

i did end up reading it by the way, it was good, thanks so much moshe!!!
im sorry i forgot that was you. i hope you can forgive me, and now i can sy, u more than just SOUNd like a rly nice and caring guy...
 
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Aba
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6/23/11 4:41 PM
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depressed,
Has your friends situation improved at all?

Kol Tuv,
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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depressed
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6/23/11 7:02 PM
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I'm trying to get someone who deals with eating disorders to try and get past her parents perhaps claiming she's a nutritionist of some sort. Still quite stuck...
 
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Aba
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6/24/11 11:35 AM
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Your friend is really lucky to have you for support.

You may want to try calling Toshia 718-705-9980 for advice. I once spoke to a Rabbi Mayer Weiss, x201, from there he seemed knowledgeable and caring.

Kol Tuv,
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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channafofanna
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6/30/11 7:55 PM
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k, best of luck!!
and keep us posted, if you dont mind...
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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7/14/11 6:39 PM
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So what happened?
a lynn
 
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depressed
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8/31/11 12:29 PM
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she went to camp so was away and now back home. trying to get her help...she needs to somehow get her parents to let her.
 
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Ineedspace
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8/31/11 8:15 PM
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Depressed, it's amazing that your friend has someone like you who cares about her. Your friend is trapped, and as a survival mechanism she's harming herself, which seems to be her only way out. There must be someone in her school who's somewhat caring, mature, and reliable. You have the zchus to be the shaliach to save her. I would suggest that you find this someone ASAP, it is unfair for your friend to remain suffering this cruel abuse. There's help out and she should not be deprived. I'm ouching for both of you; your friend for suffering and you for watching it and carrying the burden. I wish I can reach out to her and grab her out of that dark whole. Let us know what happens.
 
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depressed
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9/1/11 12:29 AM
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she goes to a crazy school where there is nobody to talk to. I'm trying to encourage her to ask her parents again
 
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Ineedspace
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9/1/11 6:07 AM
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Wow, abusive parents and a crazy school, how sad. Would you take the courage to speak to her familys Rav? Perhaps he can help. The way you describe her parents, and your friends relationship with them I don't see much chances with her speaking to them. I think someone has to get involved, if the school is not an option maybe their Rav. Huh?
 
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frumsw
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9/7/11 9:21 PM
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hate to be cynical and all, but "crazy people" usually don't have a Rav and don't listen to anybody. However, is there a grandparent or aunt or uncle she is close to who can help?


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Ineedspace
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9/7/11 11:36 PM
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At this point...ouch...i can only feel the pain...sounds like a tough helpless situation...hey! where's Dr. Lynn???
 
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depressed
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9/8/11 2:47 AM
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Okay Rav is out of the picture and NO way one can get involved (can't explain why in public forum). her family is baalei teshuva and geirim so grandparents, etc. aren't frum and able to help.
 
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frumsw
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Then she has to pick herself up (probably with your assistance) and get herself some help-look at my previous post. "Im ein ani li, mi ani"sometimes you have to overcome the fear, pick yourself up and do for yourself because there is no one out there to rescue you. My fear is that if she doesn't, either she'll remain quietly miserable, marry someone real quick to get out of house and then have even more problems or she'll get worse until it becomes an emergency and then they have no choice but to hospitalize her which is no fun.


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depressed
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11/13/11 2:24 AM
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I agree! I'm petrified of that! Due to eating issues that have come forth, her parents allowed her to see a nutritionist who's working on talking her parents into bringing her to therapy. I'm just hoping...
 
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frumsw
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11/23/11 2:11 PM
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Now we have to pray that this nutritionist will be the right shaliach.


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channafofanna
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12/2/11 2:47 PM
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yay!!
 
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