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TOPIC TITLE: Flunking therapy - flunking life.... venting
Created On 7/21/13 12:52 PM
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TBear
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7/21/13 12:52 PM
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So I am coming here to vent.....

The therapist says I have to let myself think he is "real" and trust to be able to move forward.... I try, but .....

How many times have I allowed hope only to have it smashed.... sad to be saying this at my age

My 19 year old (the exact middle child) told me this week that I was a horrible mother, that his difficulties are all my fault - the same day my therapist said I was amazing - that the cycle of abuse ended with my courage.... that I got these kids out - but I do make mistakes all of us do - we do the best we can with the resources we have to work with, I told my son I was sorry that I hurt him, no excuses - I know the only way to repent for the wrong is to try to improve ourselves.... but I keep flunking......

No one is there to help "pick me up" so to say - wonderful community, but they can't know everything - there is that barrier and they have their own families etc to keep them busy -

I have asked questions of my Rav - but he too is too busy, and hasn't answered an email in more than a month with the exception of having left a check for me with his secretary.... (yes, I appreciate that he realizes finances are an issue as well)

Feel "untouchable" like a throw away person.... from the first, as a child - then my ex-husband - now my children - like a piece of garbage - been used up and tossed aside.....

OK - that is the depressed part of me speaking - I know Hashem created me for a purpose - that even though there is no one else - there is Ha Kodesh Baruch Hu.... Guess like I said - I am venting, whining, wondering why I am even here....

Last week for the first time in a long time I began seriously contemplating ways to just give up living - in a very calculating manner... it is wrong - I know....but at this moment - I truly understand why we have to be commanded to choose life - when all I would really like to do right now is choose death - I won't - something inside won't let me.....

So I keep on trying - even therapy though - has to be fit into a neat little time slot - then turn it off until next time..... and what I have to process - is so horrible - I survived it the first time - why do I have to review it? I know the answer to that as well..... eventually I fear I'll be thrown away by the therapist as well..... the last one couldn't take it - he was traumatized by just hearing a part of it - so I ask why? and there is no answer....

Sorry to be so down.... just needed to voice a bit of the pain, like letting off steam from a pressure cooker so it doesn't explode..... don't know what I am looking for -

 
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keep climbing
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7/21/13 1:45 PM
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(((((HUGS)))))
We're rooting for you, Tbear.
About your kid compaining, I think most of them will have complaints, and that's normal. No matter how hard we try, we do goof, and they are right in complaining. And accepting it, and not acting defensive ( the way you did) is great.
I think it will pass, but it's very upsetting when it happens.
I also have a history of abuse, and am going thru gehennom opening it all up in therapy. But it is getting better, maybe.
Do you see progress?
Good luck, and keep posting.
 
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MoMo
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7/21/13 2:42 PM
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I don't have words to console you
But I feel your pain very very very much!!
 
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HopefulMommy
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7/21/13 5:01 PM
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Ouch! That hurts when your own child says you failed him. (((Hugs)))

You can think of your own healing as taking care of your kids too. They need a mother who healed the wounds of her past. Good luck! Hope you feel better soon!
 
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TBear
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7/21/13 6:19 PM
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Thank you Keep Climbing.....You are right it is normal - all I have read tells me that, but it still hurts when a child says something like that. OK it is expected when an eight year old says they hate you because they don't know how to handle anger....but at 19 to say it with such cold calculated cruelty..... oy it triggered me.... Plus the fact that my oldest three never said anything of the kind .... and my youngest three are horrified. Also, when I get hurt - some feel they need to fix Mommy's pain - the older children were trying to reassure - and the younger ones felt guilty and scared of the 19 yr old..... so I was trying to not lean on them since that is inappropriate and also be strong for the younger ones so they feel safe, and also acknowledge the hurt because I need to show that feelings are OK to have - all the while there was chaos within.....

It is getting better at times (just struggling now) - I have a long road still ahead.....

MoMo - many thanks for just replying! that is more helpful than you realize when I feel so alone with the pain

Hopeful Mommy - you are so right - I have to work toward healing, and not give up. It is the only way to be a better Mommy and do teshuva for the times when my abused childhood had me primed and vulnerable to instantly shutting down in the face of my ex-husband's abuse. I did stand between him and the children many times - but the damage is great, and I couldn't always be at home to protect.....

Also, at times in my healing - I was not there for them because I was struggling so badly, and so alone. I know the only way to work with the pain is straight through - I just can't seem to shake the intense desire to find an escape from the emotional torment within.... I keep telling myself it will pass - but it hasn't, and I can' t take meds..... so I try to get my sleep and aerobic exercise.... helps some

My therapist keeps telling me I have to hold the line with this kid and can't go down the road of blaming myself, which I find myself doing - that it is a miracle we are out..... Maybe I try to blame myself as a defense rather than allow myself to feel the full impact of mourning I have to go through.... Oy Veh - how can I function at the same time - Hashem Yerachem

OK - so this is a long-winded way to say - Your responses have helped - Many thanks!


Edited: 7/21/13 at 6:20 PM by TBear
 
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channafofanna
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7/21/13 9:29 PM
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Didnt even notice you posted here TBrear....
aaawwww!!! i feel for you!!!
((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))
As a 19 year old, I can tell you that it means nothing. Yesterday I told my mother (calmly) that she only lets me do things that were her idea and that she just wants to control my every move and you dont kow the first thing about being a parent so leave me alone, will you?
Maybe this wasnt as cruel as your son said it, but keep in mind that I am a girl so Im a little more subtle then boys =)
Having said that, of OCURSE you were trigerd by that!!! You are strugling to get by and be ok, and you feel this way. But you are being so strong!!!!!! Keep up the strength, TBear!!!
((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
 
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TBear
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7/22/13 9:51 AM
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Thank you.....

I needed the (((hug))) sending one back your way!

Decided to take care of me today - Tu B'Av - a day for harsh decrees to be lifted and to be able to love another I have to love myself - so today is a sick day off from work - I am going to go to a park and just pour my heart out to Hashem.....

A little better today - I had a "light bulb" moment this morning while davening - my son is only reflecting pent up anger - similar to that which I have only pushed away in myself (not dealt with)..... people reflect those closest to them and usually reflect the aspect we won't acknowledge in ourselves - so as usual - as much as I would like to keep going like a robot in the day to day tasks....I need to re-group and examine myself and try to be a better me first, before trying to fix anything else. Love your neighbor (your children, parents, co-worker, boss, etc...) as you love yourself....starts with loving oneself - something frankly I have a real hard time with.

Many thanks for the replies when I was so down!

Be Well,
TBear
 
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channafofanna
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7/22/13 4:29 PM
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=)
 
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wishtobehappy
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7/23/13 12:15 PM
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Tbear, I have no words. You sound like an incredibly amazing person and not to mention a devoted, loving mother. May Hashem give you the koach to deal with the unspeakable and to emerge victorious.
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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9/9/13 2:59 PM
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TBear,
Sorry for not responding earlier. It may sound strange, but I consider it a victory that you have the kind of relationship with your kids that they can say that to you. I know it hurts, but could you have said that to your parents? So many kids suffer in silence.

That being said, I want to remind you that you are not a punching bag. Not for ANYONE! Not you, and not your kids.

I find that having an authentic relationship, especially with kids and parents (yes, I am part of the sandwich generation) where there are so many strong hopes and expectations, is one of the hardest things in life.

Yeshar koach!
a lynn
 
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