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TOPIC TITLE: so sad
Created On 6/6/06 10:01 AM
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Debbi
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6/6/06 10:01 AM
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I was doing really well.
Working very hard.
Working through some tough stuff.

And then some things occured.
My husband got upset about things in general.
And I crashed.

I have been trying to keep my head above water for about a month now. Actually since Pesach.
I think I did a pretty good job of it.
But today it all seems too much.
I have cancelled my therapy sessions. I have only been once last week, and once this week.
I know I should reschedule.
But something stops me.
I am feeling so down. Wanting to throw in the towel. Wondering where my struggles will get me. Feeling little hope that I am heading in the right direction.

All my old feelings of self hate have reared their ugly heads.
I am having a fine old time, knocking myself a bit further down. It comes so easily to me. So familiar. Cutting. Self destruction. Its all about "me". I'm the wicked one. I'm the one who makes the world suffer.
The words reverberate in my brain.
"bad"
"Wicked"
"stupid"
"ugly"
"unlovable"
And on and on...
Its all there, so very accessable.

And then besides the above litany, there are so many feeling swishing around inside of me.
So much sorrow. Sadness. Pain.
Tears seem to fill my insides.
How can there be so many? I am drowning in my own tears. Yet they stay just beyond reach, behind my eye lids, where no one notices. No one sees. The world believes I am fine.

But inside I feel as though I am dying.

d.

 
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Belly
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6/6/06 10:42 AM
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Hi Debbie

First of all I send you a big hug. I read some of your posts and I admire you. You are so strong! I'm having a bad time right now too. I felt like trowing the towel. BUT with all these awful thoughts and feelings..... ther still IS something positive in us that gives us the strengh to fight these negative thoughts. Debbie deep down in you I'm sure you will see that you are an amazing women!
GO to your sessions! They will help you! I sometimes feel like canceling and then I go and it's just good to get some positive feedback even if no "work" was really done.
Keep us posted!
Belly
 
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ernie55B
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6/6/06 7:21 PM
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Yes, Debbi, Belly is right. You are an amazing woman. To have been through all that you have and yet to be still alive and caring for others is truly amazing.
Now, on behalf of all of us here who get chizuk from you so often, I take the liberty of telling you to get back to your therapy sessions and do whatever it takes to get better.
Ok, call it selfish, but WE NEED YOU HERE!!!!!

Ernie
 
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Debbi
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6/7/06 10:47 PM
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Thanks belly and Ernie, for your kind words,

I did schedule an appointment.
She explained that she feels I am finally in a position to realise myself that I should not cancel sessions, and that she will no longer "chase" me.

I felt really stupid, as though I need her to tell me to be in therapy.
I managed to do some work, although I couldnt talk too much because I found it difficult to express myself without dissolving into tears, which feels very embarrassing to me.

After the session, I realised I hadn't confirmed my next session, so I called her from my car, and left her a message, asking when I could see her again.
She didnt call me back, so I called her again this evening, and she told me that she's really sorry, but she gave my times to someone else.

I feel so angry.
I feel hurt.
I feel stupid.
Stupid for asking for my sessions.

I guess it was pay- back time.
I threatened to quit, so she gave away my sessions.

Is this my ugly projection?
Or is she showing me that she can play too?

Whatever the reality is, why do I feel so hurt?
Why does a stupid innocuous incident such as her giving my sessions to someone else (when they are not really mine to begin with), cause me such pain and suffering.

At these times so many negative and inappropiate thoughts run through my head:
*She probably doesnt like me anymore.
*She must be sick of seeing my face.
I am interchangeable, if I cancel my session, some other poor soul is standing right behind the door ready to take my place.
*She doesnt care about my pain anymore.
*I might as well be dead, she certainly gave away my times quick enough, had no trouble filling the spaces.

So here goes.
My horrible vicious cycle.

I am angry.
Hurt.
Rejected.

My response:
Cancel the next session.
Why should I pay to sit there and talk about why she gave away my sessions.
I want "her" to feel bad, why is it always me?
I want her to know that she has hurt me, and that I feel overwhelmed and depressed just because of her.

Now I will have to wait until Monday.

What is wrong with me???
Why do I have all these crazy feelings???
Why can't I just be normal, and not over-react in this manner??

I hate myself for being this way...
hate.
hate.
hate.

does anyone get it?
Because I sure don't.

D.



if someone can see outside the loop, I would appreciate getting a peek at it. I am so deeply entrenched in these emotions, and in the cycle, that I cannot see beyond.

Please someone, help me see the reality of this situation.




 
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RNRebbitzin
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6/7/06 11:21 PM
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Hi Debbi,
I have noticed from your posts that you must be a very good , strong and compassionate person. YOu are always giving much chizuk to everyone else. I know all to well the emotions that you are feeling right now. Just read over some of your posts and perhaps you will see for yourself what a wonderful caring person you are.
Stay strong, the negative feelings will pass. Thank you on behave of the others for your words of wizdom........good things should come to you soon!!
Kol tuv,


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RNRebbitzin
 
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Belly
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6/8/06 1:31 AM
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Hi Debbi

BOy do I understan your feelings! Every time I just start to discuss any other treatment options I feel I get the cold shoulder. I guess we have to see that our Therapists are only human beings too. They need to earn money, have their own problems and feelings. Her filling up the hours you cancelled, is just taking care of her own needs. It doesn't mean that she doesn't care about you. SHe didn't know what was going on with you and protected herself. This is at least my theory. Keep strong. You are great no matter what your therapist does! YOu are great because of YOU. (THis is what I'm telling myself too). The other day I was so down. I felt so worthless. Well I sat down and wrote all the things I did the same day down. Guess what I realized how much I did. Even with being depressed I did so many good things, yes little things, but these little things count most!
SO don't be so hard on yourself! You are great! I also want to have a normal life. Normal life includes having times when you are down. Hate the world and everyone. It's part of life and it will pass.
Lots of hugs to you!
Belly
 
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ernie55B
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6/9/06 7:56 AM
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Hi Debbi,

I hope you are feeling a bit better today.

You ask if anyone can see outside the loop here. I may be way off base here because I am not a professional, but this is my 'take' on your situation.

I don't know the actual dynamics of why your T acted exactly as she did; I don't know what is going through her mind.
But to me it seems like the following:

You are feeling now like you are hanging from the edge of a tall building. You are holding on for such a long time, and your arms really hurt.
On the rooftop is your therapist who does not have the capacity or strength to pull you over the top.
As a matter of fact, noone does.

All she can do, is lean over and try to convince you that it is worth your while to keep holding on, and make you believe that you can pull yourself over the top. She has seen many others in the same situation do it. It is HARD. Real hard. But she knows it can be done.
Her job and her mission is to get you to believe you can do it.

Debbi, I know that what you have experienced is so much more intense and difficult than anything I have.
So I apologize in advance if I am off base or out of line here. I cannot fathom what you have been through, or have any clue as to how to treat PTSD.

That being said, I am applying my own experience of therapy onto yours, and it may be totally invalid.

So here is the critical part that I am writing with trepidation:

It seems you want your therapist (or someone else), to love you enough to pull you over the top and make all the problems disappear.
But you need to know and accept the fact that that will never happen.
You need to hang on long enough until YOU start to love Debbi enough to pull yourself over.
I don't know you except for what you post here.
But I would bet everything I own that there is much to love about Debbi.
The only way you will begin to heal, is to start believing that.

I know, I know. That is the hardest part. When it has been ingrained into your fabric that you are worthless for so many years.
But the job of your therapist is to make you understand that those were LIES!
Your father, your first husband, and even your mother have made you feel worthless.
But I am sure, deep down you KNOW these are lies.
Why there are evil people out there who do these things, I don't know. They are selfish and only care about their own needs.

But you need to believe and accept with all your heart, that there is much to love about yourself.
It may take years, but eventually you will. And when that time comes, you will finally be able to pull yourself over the top.
And it will feel so much better than if someone had simply pulled you up.

Hold on Debbi. I know it hurts, but hold on. I, for one, have confidence that you can.

As always, I wish you a refuas hanefesh and a good Shabbos.

Ernie

 
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gad
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6/9/06 11:38 AM
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Debbi,

Your friends have written quite eloquentlly and with much caring.

You are definitely loved.

The title on this thread is "so sad;" may it soon turn into "so happy."

Have a good Shabbos.
 
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RNRebbitzin
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6/9/06 1:03 PM
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Amen !! For Klal Yisroel.........................!!!!!


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RNRebbitzin
 
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ernie55B
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6/11/06 3:26 PM
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Hi Debbi,

How are you doing today?

I hope I didn't say anything to make you feel worse.

Ernie
 
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Debbi
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6/11/06 7:32 PM
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of course not.
sorry for no response.
feeling too down to think much.
as soon as i get out of this one, i will write.

thank you all for thinking of me.

debi
 
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ernie55B
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6/12/06 8:51 AM
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Ok, Debbi, take your time.
No need to apologize.
Whenever you are ready, you will write.

Feel well, please!!!!!!

Ernie
 
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Debbi
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6/12/06 12:24 PM
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thanks ernie,
i'm having a really hard time coming through this one.
i'm feeling so down and hopeless.
i walk around feeling as though i am covered in a veil of darkness.
so uncomfortable.
seems difficult to see beyond the blackness.
i think about suicide, but know that i cant go there.
it feels as though its the answer to the pain, but i suppose its not. would be too easy wouldnt it.

my pain sits upon me like a wet blanket. So heavy. Hard to remove.
Makes me tired having to carry it around all the time.
But I dont know how to shake it off.

sorry for being so negative.

i appreciate everyones comments, your words really do become internalised somewhere.
thanks.
d.

 
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ernie55B
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6/12/06 2:28 PM
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I'm just glad to see you are up and writing.
No need to apologize.
I specialize in negative stuff, remember?

I'm with you; just try and ride it out, OK?

Ernie
 
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Belly
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6/14/06 6:03 AM
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Hi Debbi
Just wanted to tell you that I'm thinking of you and hope that things are getting better.
YOu are great!
Belly
 
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Debbi
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6/14/06 8:53 AM
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thanks for your vote of confidence.

I seem to be sinking deeper into this "thing", whatever it is.
As I go through the hours of the day, doing mundane lifes duties, i feel as though i am gliding two feet off the ground.
As though nothing is very real.
Everything seems at a distance.
Very disconcerting and uncomfortable.
I want to be "here", while I fold laundry or serve supper to hungry children.
Why am floating above it all?

makes me sad that I need to dissociate like that, after so many years of therapy.

thanks again everyone for being there.
d.

 
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gad
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6/14/06 9:54 AM
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Have you read Viktor Frankl's book Man's Search for Meaning?

I wonder if that would help.
 
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Belly
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6/15/06 4:15 AM
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Hi Debbi
I think that even after so many years of therapy, we will always be more prone to falling into depression. I'm just confident that each time it will be easier and quicker to come out and we will also be able to recognice triggers and therefore prevent falling.
I was thinking that maybe if you read all the answeres you gave others when they were having a difficult time you can regain your strengh. You will see what good advice you give and how loving and caring you are.
THinking of you Belly

 
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Debbi
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6/18/06 9:53 PM
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I have finally come out of it!!

I feel so much better.
Thank you all for so much support.

I think that what was happening to me was that I have finally begun to express some of the rage that has been inside me for so many years. (see the addiction forum)
I have never been able to admit to the fact that I might be feeling some anger.
Me?
I am the meekest, quietest person around.
I didnt even own the word "anger" in my vocabulary.
But all of a sudden i became engulfed with this unbearable feeling, which only now can I put a name to.


ANGER

it is frightening.
I am scared of it.
My fear is that once I allow even a tiny bit to escape, I will never be able to stop.

I am scared, but at the same time feel confident that this is the next stage in the healing process.

thanks again.
Debbi
 
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ernie55B
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6/19/06 9:40 PM
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Hi Debbi!

I don't have to tell you how thrilled I am to hear you are feeling better.
Yes, of course you have anger.
Which human being on the face of this earth could possibly not have anger
after having been put through hell the many times you have, by a whole seies
of selfish people?
People who used you for their own perverse pleasure and then left you
to die inside.

Debbi, there is no doubt about the fact that you need to express the anger.
You have been taking all that anger and turning it at yourself for all these years.
Now you need to let all that anger out in a healthier way.
I am not sure as to what the best way about it would be.
I am sure your therapist has plenty to say about that.

But writing here is certainly one way. Yes, you should write here about how angry you
are at the people who betrayed you.
I don't know if confronting your father (again) will do any good. But try this, even if it sounds nuts.
Get into your car (alone) and SCREAM AT YOUR FATHER for doing what he did to you.

Again, this is one healthy technique to get the anger out.

I really hope the fact that this concept clicked inside you, will be something you can build on.

Ernie
 
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Debbi
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6/19/06 10:25 PM
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thanks Ernie,

Yes I hope too that this concept will be built into my future life.
I am begining to see the importance of anger.
I really never got it!
How strange...

The idea of screaming at my father in the privacy of my car... mmmm...sounds like something I could think about.

It all began on Friday, when I sat down in my therapists office and started saying things I did not know existed in my mind!
It was so odd.
I was sitting there saying awful things about what I want to do to this one or that one, I was so mad, so full of rage, it was quite frightening.

When I left her office, I felt overwhelmed and scared, but at the same time there was a tiny clearing inside my head that I had never experienced before.
It felt like a kettle full of boiling water, letting go of its steam very slowly.

Today she explained that the best place to express my anger is in her office.
She really doesn't mind.
I was so surprised!
She actually feels comfortable with me saying loads of mean and nasty things.
I was worried the whole Shabbos that she might take it personally, and be upset with me.
But today she told me that not only is it okay, but that it is probably the best place to express this part of me.


I felt so much better!


thanks ernie,
hope u r okay too.

debbi
 
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Holding on
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12/25/06 4:09 PM
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Hi Debbi,

I know this thread is from a while ago, but I'm having a very difficult time getting past my self-hate which is a frighteningly strong feeling. How'd you get yourself out?
I'm stuck w/ this. I've started discussing it in therapy, but I hate sitting there discussing how I hate myself. It's humiliating. I hate myself for doing it and feeling like a loser.
I wish I can just give up, as I don't feel like I have the strength to go back. I've gone back to feeling drained after therapy.
Am I not supposed to be feeling better by now?
What is wrong w/ me?
Anything I get involved in, I mess up.

Please, someone help, b4 I quit everything.
Wanna sleep and sleep...
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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12/25/06 7:49 PM
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Holding On-
Keep holding on. I know it seems hopeless sometimes, but there is a "light" at the end of the tunnel. If you can, follow Debbi's lead, and get angry. It is not the last stop, but anger is a step in the right direction for many people.
a lynn
 
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Holding on
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12/26/06 3:57 PM
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Thanks for your reply.

That does seem to be a problem for me. My T has pointed out more than once that she would guess most ppl. would be mad about certain situations that I am in, where as I don't express my anger at all. It seems that all the anger... that I should be feeling gets turned inward to myself. That is when the urge to hurt myself is the strongest...
I'm working on trying to catch when the anger towards myself begins, but it's a hard process as I don't even recognize it many times, until it's 'already eating me up'.

Any suggestions?
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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Sometimes I do an exercise and have the patient imagine they are someone else hearing their own story. In other words, if you heard your situation was happening to Henrietta, how would you feel, etc. Would you blame Henrietta for feeling angry? etc.. The point is to get you away from judging yourself regarding your anger. It is a common problem, especially in the religious community, to have a problem and then JUDGE ourselves for feeling the way that we do about the problem. Without removing the judgment, you can't address the problem. Get it? If not ask for clarification.
a lynn
 
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Holding on
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Thanks Doc,
I see your point. I'll definetly give it a try.
Sometimes I even get upset at myself for being so judgmental w/ myself! It's a vicious cycle that just goes on and on until there is some sort of intervention.
Thanks again,
H.O.
 
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Dr. Lynn, Psy.D.
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1/11/07 11:22 PM
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As long as you beat yourself up and judge yourself, you won't move forward.
a lynn
 
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Panda613
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Holding On,
You sound like you would benefit from a DBT program, which targets exactly those symptoms of negative self talk.
Hatzlocha Rabba


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Panda613
 
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Holding on
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1/14/07 12:47 PM
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Panda,
It might be helpfull, I've never tried it, but right now there are just too many things going on to even consider it. Thanks for the suggestion, though.

For right now, I'm B"H doing a lot better, (since my last therapy session on Tuesday!Yay!) I'm starting to be ok w/ who I am, not that continued self-hate that has consumed me b4. I'm even (VERY Hesitantly) hopefull about my future. I'm beggining to be able to apply what my T has been telling me for so long.
Strangely enough, I'm afraid of these new feelings. Afraid to get my hopes up; afraid that this is the quiet b4 the storm as it has been in the past.
For now, I'm taking things one day at a time and just davening for the best.

be well,
H.O.
 
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Panda613
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1/14/07 1:16 PM
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HO,
It is a very natural thing to be afraid of what we can't predict,but taking things one step at a time is a BIG step in the right direction. Things always do get better, just keep working at it. Like the Therapist's always say- baby steps at first.
Hatzlocha Rabba


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Panda613
 
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