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TOPIC TITLE: Guilt/Shame about SI
Created On 10/27/07 8:15 PM
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mouse
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10/27/07 8:15 PM
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Does anyone here feel the way I do? I just lost total sensitivity towards what I'm doing to myself. I don't let others see it so I guess there is a sense of shame, but I don't feel guilty about it and quite frankly getting punished for it in shamyim doesn't even phase me. I'm totally numb when asked what my self injurious behaviors are and just don't care anymore. The only thing I care about is that my hubby and kids and job don't find out. Everyone else I just don't care. Am I a selfish pig? Does anyone relate to this one?


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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gad
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10/28/07 1:38 AM
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The following is my view which may or may not be correct; and feel free to make any corrections or comments.

Your losing sensitivity sounds like a psychological condition. You don't want others to see it because you want to be accepted. You don't feel guilty or afraid of punishment because you are so desperately seeking relief, a psychological need. You don't care when asked about it because you feel so desperate. You care about your loved ones finding out because they are your loved ones, and you want to protect your relationship. And you need your job.

You sound like someone who is suffering and looking for relief, and you are not selfish. You are desperately trying to survive.

Try feeling less guilt and shame, and I hope that, with the help of the doctors, that Hashem will bless your efforts with proper health and good news.

Have a gut voch.
 
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fighter88
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10/29/07 1:55 PM
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munkster, i got that way with my bulimia. after a while hurting urself(through SI or purging) just numbs you. it makes you indifferent to so many things.

maybe u dont care bec ur feeling so out of control? does nothing help make the urges go away?




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"I breathe, therefore I Hope."
 
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Holding on
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1/7/08 3:12 PM
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arg!
I really shouldn't be complaining bec. I do this to myself by SI-ing... so I deserve whatever I get, but... I don't know what to do.
Even though I'm doing a bit better for now (most of this week anyway,) I feel like my SI is taking over (and winning). It's taking over my friendships.
One of my friends (1 of only 2 who know about my SI) is just always wooried about me regardless of how many times I tell her that I'm 'fine' and even after she guilted me into promising that I'd call/text her if I felt like I needed to SI.
I appreciate that she 'get's me', and supports me. I appreciate her concern, I really do, and I wouldn't be upto where I am now w/o her support, but I feel like lately that is all our relationship revolves around.
I've discussed my feelings about this w/ her, but I still feel like she's sometimes stepping on eggshells...

My other friend who knows about it, used to SI as well, but nowadays she seems to have stopped cutting/burning... but is smoking more heavily in its place. She tells me to 'just stop doing it already'. I am trying really hard to stop, but in a way, her telling me, 'you've got to stop this already' leaves me feeling hurt.
I thought that she of all ppl. would understand my struggle.
Wasn't she doing the same thing just a short while ago? and even though she's stopped cutting/burning... she's still not dealing with things in a very positive manner, so I get that she's worried about me... (as I was about her, even while I was cutting myself) but what happened???

At one point, (almost a year ago) I was becoming a lot closer to a girl who I used to be friendly with, but when I found myself really opening up to her, I pulled away.
I didn't think she'd understand about my SI, so I slowly closed myself off.

No matter how much time has passed between cuts and slip-ups, this is just taking everything over.
I hate it, and yet have no one to blame but myself.
(ha! and this week I was trying to work on not hating/blaming myself. I did ok for the first few days, but yeah, nice going)

Sorry for ranting. Just needed to get this out.

Holding on
 
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mouse
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1/7/08 6:04 PM
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I get what you are saying. I let friendships slip away or not occur in the first place to avoid people knowin about my SI. I don't even let my hubby know about it, though i can't imagine how he misses it and that is a hard person to keep it from. i can't stop the SI at this point either. I do it all the time and don't want ppl to pity me for it. i choose to do it and that's how it is. i blame myself and no one else. i ultmately have the control to stop it (even if it dosen't feel like it). not sure if this releveant to waht u said and my typing is getting worse as i go along so i'm gonna stop.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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gad
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1/7/08 9:19 PM
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Holding on,

It's commendable that your friend wants to help you.

It's understandable that your other friend may not understand your situation.

With G-d's help you should soon lick this thing, and then you'll be able to enjoy your friendships much more.
 
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killedlastyear
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1/14/08 5:19 AM
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wow i can't believe you're able to hide it form your husband! you must be really determined not to let him find out!
i don't really have any advice for you though. I've decided that my opinion on SI is that if it's what helps it doesn't cause permanent harm so it works for me.
If you want to quit that's a whole different story though. If you want to quit you should deff make the effort.
Do you want to quit? Or are you just here for support from people who understand?
 
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mouse
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1/15/08 12:38 AM
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I want to quit because it socially unacceptable and against halacha. Part of me I admit is ambivalent about quitting. I have used it as a coping mechanism for so long that I don't have any other ways to cope. I am slowly learning other ways but for some odd reason I always go back to cutting.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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killedlastyear
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1/18/08 4:24 PM
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edit: i tried posting this a couple of days ago but for some reason my computer wasn't letting me post it! the page kept expiring or w/e. weird.

whats weird is that for you its socially unacceptable.
but for me i've had no loss of friends because of it. the only people i've had a negative reaction from were my parents. it seems like everyone is just used to it from the media and from knowing other people who do it and some of them from doing it themselves, either currently or in the past.
its not weird like weird weird just like funny weird how the world works how something among some groups of people is acceptable but among others isnt. everything is like that i guess.


Edited: 1/18/08 at 4:26 PM by killedlastyear
 
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killedlastyear
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1/18/08 4:25 PM
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ok i realized that it was too much info to enter at once, i guess my computer just freaks so here's the rest of what i was trying to send (i copied and saved it last time to try to send later).

anyway yeah they say there are ways to replace it. it's hard though i'm sure. i've tried quitting other things and you do mess up and give in and just do whatever it is you're trying to stop. just keep trying and as far as halacha goes (though considering i'm far from the religious role model you want maybe you dont want to hear halacha recomendations from me) just remember that every time you're able to hold back from it G-d gives you toooons of credit for! He realizes how hard it is for you! and he also knows you're human and that you'll mess up once in a while and although you shouldn't be ok that you did it if you feel it's wrong but you shouldn't beat yourself up over it (either mentally or physically) cuz that's just hurting yourself more which isnt helping! i wish you strength and success!
 
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mouse
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1/19/08 6:09 PM
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Well, I haven't cut or done any self-injurious behaviors now for quite a bit...since about 2 wks ago (perhaps more.) I must admit, I miss it. I miss the high, the relief, the whole thing except the scars. I had to tell my primary care physician about it and that was pretty bad but it wasn't what stopped me really. (She had to take my BP and I had many, many fresh cuts on one arm and fresh scratches on the other. It was one of those pick-your-poison moments.) I know it's just a matter of time before I begin again and I know I sound like a pessimist. I want to restart cutting cuz I really miss it, but I am working again (I was in a day hospital), and I'm concerned the coworkers of mine who talk quite a bit, might see the scars or fresh wounds. As a special ed tchr, I just know that won't go over well.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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killedlastyear
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1/21/08 7:16 PM
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yeah my psychiatrist knows i hate it when he takes my BP cuz it means i have to show him my arms... eek.
i know what you mean about the pessimism (is that even a word?). it's totaly understandable. i guess its good though that you have fears about co-workers seeing the scars and fresh wounds because that's a deterrent not to do it. i guess.
thats great that you've been able to resist for two whole weeks though! every lil bit counts for something. you can feel good about that

its really hard though finding things to replace it with. as i've found its easiest to replace one addiction with another, which makes sense as you were saying you miss the high. and how else to get the high but with some other addicting thing? thats what you have to be careful about. not to replace it with something else equally as bad, or even worse.

the only thing i can suggest is just to try distracting yourself whenever you get the urge. have you found any recommendations from anyone that actually seemed to help?
 
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mouse
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1/23/08 5:31 PM
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I was told to exercise and that helps. Also there are a variety of things suggested through a DBT group I had and individual sessions for DBT. Also taking very cold showers or dipping head in ice water for a couple of seconds I was told sets off a reflex that "resets" the mind. Then you need a plan to stay safe and "reprogram" the mind to a less destructive frame of mind. Dunno if that helps.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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bubbs96
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1/23/08 10:21 PM
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here's a short list of my coping skills to avoid cutting.....just off the top of my head....

distraction (tv, online surveys, call someone, etc)
knitting
coloring
take a walk
stress toys (stress ball, etc--something to squeeze)
grounding stones (to hold onto, rub between fingers....other solid objects work too)
5-5-5 (name 5 things u see, then 5 things you hear, then 5 things u can feel, then 4-4-4, etc)
holding ice (somewhat controversial, but ALWAYS helped me)
writing with a soft-tip pen on myself (doesnt harm, but instead of cutting....sometimes using a red pen is most helpful)

i'll try to think of more later, but these are just some of the things i try to do to avoid self-harm.....


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"Recovery is a process, not an event."
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment.
 
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killedlastyear
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1/24/08 5:07 PM
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does anyone know if there's any harm in writing with permanent marker on your skin? i do it all the time but i've heard rumors that the stuff leeks into your skin and is harmful. anyone know?
 
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su7kids
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1/24/08 5:27 PM
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KLY, I don't know about harmful effects of writing on your skin, but surely it is less harmful than cutting yourself?




Just a thought.


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Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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bubbs96
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1/24/08 8:38 PM
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Most of the skills I listed are things that were given/taught when I was inpatient.....the writing on myself is something I figured out on my own, and actually the nurses were NOT so excited about that one. They made me switch from ball-point to soft-tipped, to be less harmful. As far as the ink.....why not at least do non-permanent? Like su7 said, its still better than cutting, but the idea is to get as far away from actual harm as possible....

oh, another one i thought of is throwing rocks.....lol keep in mind i was inpatient in the middle of nowhere (ie, we threw pebbles off cliffs where no one and nothign was around to get damaged to relieve stress/anger/etc.....if u live in the city, this may not be a very viable option!!)

good luck!!


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"Recovery is a process, not an event."
Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment.
 
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mouse
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1/25/08 3:57 AM
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Throwing rocks isn't quite as "good" as cutting; however, it does remind me of another thing to do which is tearing apart phone books.

As for the permanent marker, you can call one of the manufacturers (such as Sharpie) and ask. I'm fairly sure that some company that manufactures permanent markers has a phone number or else look it up online. I doubt it does harm but better safe than sorry years later. BTW, my daughter calls them kermit markers which cracks me up. She's five.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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killedlastyear
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1/25/08 3:42 PM
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Quote

Originally posted by: munkster
BTW, my daughter calls them kermit markers which cracks me up. She's five.


haha i love that.

 
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