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TOPIC TITLE: I cut today and I feel crazy.
Created On 11/14/07 11:33 PM
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Debbi
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11/14/07 11:33 PM
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i needed to cut today.
i was lying in bed. Emotionally exhausted, feeling like i wanted to stay there forever. Trying not to think of the laundry and the supper to be made, and of the children coming home from school.
I needed to do something.
And so I cut. I just did it. Quickly. No pain, jut a little blood.
And then I was able to jump out of bed, throw the clothes into the machine, make a delicious supper, and was ready to greet my children with a smile.

Am I crazy?
I feel like i'm 2 seperate people.
The one who has the abilty to slice her skin. And the other one, who waits for her children with a hot meal.

I look at the cut now, and I like it. It feels comfortable on my body.
I feel some control. I dont have to give up everything to my father who molested me. I dont have to allow him to infiltrate my mind with memories of him in my bed. I can actually "do" something. I can cut my skin. Not many ppl can do that to themselves. But I can. And I do.

Am i crazy?
I feel like it sometimes.



Edited: 11/15/07 at 8:50 AM by Debbi
 
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gad
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11/15/07 12:43 AM
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I think that you do have mixed feelings.

If I understand you correctly, you have a desperate desire to exert control, in order to relieve the anxiety and give you some comfort and rest.

But I think that although it gives you some comfort and rest, it is not the kind of rest that you really desire.

May you soon find true peace of mind, and have much Yiddishe nachas from your family and yourself.
 
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mouse
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11/15/07 4:26 AM
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If you just started doing the cutting, get help now. It only gets worse and eventually gives out as a coping mechanism and you are stuck with scars and deeper and deeper cuts. Trust me, you don't want to have to go to the ER for sticthes. Once started, it is tough to stop. I'm there now and cann't stop.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Debbi
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11/15/07 8:50 AM
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Gad, yes, in some bizarre way, it relieves the anxiety, and u r right too, that it doesnt feel good to me in any way, in fact makes me feel "crazy".

Munkster, The first time time I did this was when i was 5 years old. I have been doing it ever since in one form or another.
Its difficult to stop I know. Sorry to hear u r going thru this too.Sometimes I feel its an addiction, but other times it just feels necessary, and I dont believe I even want to stop.
It helps me in my pain.
It allows me a measure of control, in my otherwise chaotic feeling states, yet it makes me feel "bad" and "crazy" too.

wishing i could just be normal whatever that is.

 
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Holding on
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11/15/07 11:46 AM
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Debbi, I'm sorry you feel this way, but please know that you are not alone and are definately not 'bad' or 'crazy'.
I personally think that cutting is an addiction like any other.

cutting also gives me a sense of control when I feel like I have none. (like when my T said I have to go back on meds if I want to continue therapy - I don't want to go back on meds, but don't feel ready to stop seeing her, so what choice do I have?)

and I so relate when you say it feels comfortable looking at it.
I feel stupid, but my 'tool(s)' that I use for SI are almost like my 'security blanket'. At one point when I was pretty much only using a certain blade, I wanted to just give it to my T and tell her to hold it, or get rid of it for me, so I shouldn't be so tempted, but I couldn't get myself to do it.
The thought of not having anything to use (just in case), was almost like a panic...

hoping you feel better,
Holding on
 
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Debbi
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11/19/07 1:08 AM
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thanx HO for your support.
i suppose i;m really hoping that for me its not an addiction. I dont have the inner strength to overcome an addiction. Yet I always have something around to use (even carry one in my purse) in case of emergency, u know like a blade or something. makes me feel crazy.

i know what u mean about meds. But at the same time, if they help, then B'H we have something to fall back on. Imagine if there were no medications for depression?? What then?

too tired to write more.
thanx for good wishes.

 
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Debbi
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11/19/07 1:15 AM
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I will do it again tonight, soon.
Does that make me into a terrible person?
I dont know.
Its against the halocha, yet I still do it.
what is wrong with me???
?????????
what???
Why do i do these terrible things to myself?
sick of me.
of myself.
just sick. of my life. this life. of pain and struggle. loneliness. and more pain. sadness. hurt.

and so i cut the body which betrays my soul.

 
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gad
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11/19/07 5:03 PM
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They used to let blood with leaches for a cure. So maybe if this allows relief from mental stress, it is a cure. (The prohibition in the Torah refers to cutting oneself after a relative passed away.) Of course it is a question for a experienced Rav, but it may be that it is not against halacha.

Of course there is the possible danger to life, which is also an important consideration.

You are making enormous efforts to live your life in a healthy way.

I hope that you will have only good news to post from now on.

And as for the occasional fall that everyone experiences, don't blame yourself. It's bashert. Let it be.


Edited: 11/19/07 at 5:05 PM by gad
 
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4702125952
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12/10/07 5:03 PM
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Debbi,

I cut too at times (no tools--teeth on fingers only). I think its that I prefer physical pain to emotional pain. I 'numb out' while cutting and the pain 'overtakes' any emotional pain i'm feeling.

You--we--deserve pleasure not pain. Love not hate. I take delicious warm bubble baths that are very soothing and self-nurturing. Also, having friends who understand your pain and validate/empathize is helpful.

Can you develop pleasures/hobbies that can offer you pleasure?
 
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Debbi
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12/12/07 9:25 AM
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I have learned to do things which are pleasurable. A few years ago BT ( before therapy), I wasnt aware of the idea that one is allowed to feel pleasure in and of itself, because I am unfortunately much more comfortable with experiencing pain rather than pleasure.

I have begun to associate positive feelings with activities that I enjoy. For example when I engage in art and drawing with my kids, I am allowing myself to enjoy the activity instead of feeling that its just a necessary job which must be done.

There are times though, such as the current space I am in, when I become immersed in pain. I think it begins as emotional pain, until I convert it into physical pain by cutting.

I have tried to understand what propels me to actually take a razor and slice into my own skin. I have recently discovered that I employ many variations of reasoning for cutting.

Sometimes its punishment (mainly for "allowing" myself to be molested), other times I need to "feel" something, anything, even if it is a cut on my body. And yet other times I do it, because of the tremendous level of anxiety I am of experiencing about various things. Cutting makes things more orderly, or more organised in my mind. I transfer the chaos in my brain to some geometrically straight cuts on my skin, which I can observe whenever I feel that my surroundings are beyond my control.

All the above is bizarre I think. It makes no logical sense, yet I continue to do it.

Today I am feeling so much pain. Emotional pain. I dont know why. There is nothing going on in my life to warrant the level of pain I am feeling.
So what do I do with it?
I have to keep on going. I still have kids and a husband and a job, and food to prepare and clothes to wash, and and and.........
And so I cut.
Nice neat lines. Spaced evenly. Wash off the blood. Breathe a sigh of relief, and I can get on with my day.

Am I crazy???
I feel it.
I feel that I must be mad to even consider such a thing, much less actually carry it out.
Even writing about it, allows me some measure of peace among the chaos.

I'm glad you can take your bubble baths.
Sometimes I do that, and it feels so good. Other times I make the water so hot, that I lose the pleasure from the experience.

I'm feeling very analytical today. I think it may decrease the amount of undercurrent emotional pain I am really feeling.

Thanks for listening.
D.
 
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killedlastyear
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1/2/08 1:24 AM
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you aren't crazy. you're perfectly normal. god made you like this and he doesn't make defects. you just have to decide if it's worth it or not, to continue. as you know there are consequences. you just have to decide if its worth it.
 
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