Login
Questions or Comments!
admin@frumsupport.com

Get FrumSupport News! Join our mailing list.
Email:


Search

Navigation:

 Tehilim List  < Refresh >
TOPIC TITLE: cutting and crazy families
Created On 4/27/08 9:36 PM
Topic View:

View thread in raw text format


mouse
Senior Supporter

Posts: 1932
Joined: Oct 2007

4/27/08 9:36 PM
User is offline View users profile

I'm not sure this is going to come out right but I'll give it a try. Once again a Yom Tov has ended with me cutting. It was probably one of the worst holidays and for that matter cutting experiences I've ever had. I notice that the more I am with my family, the more I cut. I'm not saying it is their fault, as I am the one doing it; however, I do see a correlation between the two more and more easily. (I should say I am married and have a family of my own now.) So how do or should I deal with the problem of explaining to family I'm not coming for a long, long time because some part inside of me hates them enough to cut? I can't say it outright taht I"m cutting although they almost all know I have in the past. Then they will come to me to visit which is even worse. My mom is crazy and over the limit and a lying, mean old lady. (That is some of the nicer descriptions used by me and my siblings.) She is trying to limit our social contacts as adults. My brother has kids who bully mine. I don't know what to say. Frustrated and cutting lots. Not good.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



mouse
Senior Supporter

Posts: 1932
Joined: Oct 2007

4/27/08 10:40 PM
User is offline View users profile

I think I cut my ranting and raving a bit short....I'm also a wee bit suicidal as a result of my family contact. I keep having fantasies now of hanging myself, hurting myself and other such stuff related to dying. I'm starting to wonder what the limit of kibud em is and for that matter how important it is I keep in contact with all siblings. My family is so nuts. (Me includied.) But at least I'm tryiing to break the cycle whereas the rest of them see nothing wrong with themselves -- just with the others. Right now I'm so mad I want to throw this monitor out the window (and the window is closed and new.) Not sure anymore what I'm going to act on and what I'm not. I am sure taht if I tell my psychiatrist how I feel I most likely will either be inpatient or at least on disability another several months. (My appointment is tomorrow.) I hate myself, I hate the world, I hate everything right now and wish I could make it all dissappear. I think I'm finished rambling this time.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Holding on
Senior Supporter

Posts: 335
Joined: Mar 2006

4/28/08 12:15 AM
User is offline

Hey munkster,

I know it doesn't make your situation any better, but I'm sorry you are hurting so bad.
I'm not a posek or anything, but I'm pretty sure your personal safety and well-being comes before anything else, so if being around family makes you want to hurt yourself, than by all means, please stay away and Stay Safe. That is the most important thing.
Being a grown adult with a family of your own, I don't think you owe an explanation to anyone. If you can put them off by saying you are busy... but if not, you do not need to account for your every move with your family. Again, you need to do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe. You have a family that needs you.
It sounds like your mother has issues of her own and there is a lot going on. From the sound of it, (and from my own personal experience), life is stresful enough w/o all the 'extras', so you need to do what is best for yourself. You cannot keep worrying about explanations for others.

If you are still feeling suicidal, please, please tell someone, go be with someone... call your therapist or whoever. You do not need to do this alone. There are people who care a great deal about you, so please reach out to someone.
It seems like you are feeling this way, (stressed, angry...), because of Yom Tov and the time you spent with certain family members, so please remember that you survived and it's OVER.
Please do whatever you have to to keep yourself safe, even if it means you have to go to the er.

And rambling is fine - feel free to add as much as you want!

be safe,
Holding on
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



psydoc
Junior Supporter

Posts: 6
Joined: Dec 2005

4/29/08 11:31 AM
User is offline

As you realize, families are extremely powerful and sometimes destructive. This is not a discussion about Kibud Ov Vaim but a serious examination of your constant need of hurting yourself. As much as I am concerned about your cutting I am more concerned about the self inflicted pain you avail yourself by visiting your family. I take it that your parents are lousy and so are your siblings. You did not however, complain about your husband so I will assume that you have a healthy relationship. It is with your husband that Yom Tov is celebrated and special and it is with him that you should concentrate your energies and emotions.

It is hard for you to realize that your suicidality and self mutilation is not a response to your depression or short coming but a result of incompetent parents. The Torah should not be used as a source of pain and guilt. Take care of your own life and for now get your parents out of your life and out of your mind.


Edited: 4/29/08 at 11:45 AM by psydoc
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



mouse
Senior Supporter

Posts: 1932
Joined: Oct 2007

4/29/08 7:02 PM
User is offline View users profile

Believe it or not, it's just my mom and sibling driving me nuts. My mom's behavior, as well as some of my siblings' behaviors would be in check if my dad were alive. (He died about 4 years ago.) I try to keep a distance from my side of the family, but my mom has a way of working the Jewish guilt so well. (For some reason, the fact she is possibly psychotic doesn't diminish the Jewish guilt thing.) I don't know if I could easily separate from my family and spend a major holiday (Succot and Pesach) entirely with my own family. My mom would begin to complain my husband is alienating me from the family and my siblings would complain that I'm leaving them holding the bag. (They have major, legitimate issues with her behaviors but due to proximity are unable to avoid her for long.) As is, my mom says my husband is alienating me from her, just like he alienated himself from his parents. (This is not the case.) Her manipulating me to visit and making me feel guilty for not coming to visit her is even a trigger for cutting. I don't know if I have the inner strength or guts to cut her out of my life right now. (I guess I should mention her physical health isn't that good either and has been in and out of the hospital's medium care unit for the past 3/4 of a year.) Moving 3 hours away is so far the closest I have gone to distancing myself from her. It's that Jewish guilt thing I tell you....


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



mouse
Senior Supporter

Posts: 1932
Joined: Oct 2007

4/29/08 7:04 PM
User is offline View users profile

Forgot to say, my hubby is a saint -- according to others as well as me. He treats my mom with such respect even though she treats him like garbage. He is a saint for many other reasons though...that's just a small, small example of saint in this case.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Holding on
Senior Supporter

Posts: 335
Joined: Mar 2006

4/29/08 7:53 PM
User is offline

I so know what you're talking about when you talk of 'the guilt' thing.
It's a MAJOR trigger for me as well, but the thing is, even if I would do as I want, (which sometimes I do), it doesn't do me any good bec. the guilt is still there eating away at me.
G'luck!
If you ever figure this out, be sure to let me know!
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



psydoc
Junior Supporter

Posts: 6
Joined: Dec 2005

4/29/08 10:58 PM
User is offline

Dear Munkster,

I would like to highlight the major theme(s) in your post:

my mom has a way of working the Jewish guilt
the fact she is possibly psychotic doesn't diminish the Jewish guilt
Her manipulating me to visit and making me feel guilty for not coming to visit
It's that Jewish guilt thing I tell you...

You are inundated wit guilt which doesn't allow you to separate from your mother (and family) and bond (totally) with your husband. Separation is really hard it even earned its own title "separation anxiety" because that is what separation does-it cause anxiety and anxiety may cause a severe depression.

Stay strong you can work this through and remember Jewish guilt is only that-a saying and was not delivered to the Jews at Mount Sinai :-)


Edited: 4/29/08 at 10:59 PM by psydoc
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



mouse
Senior Supporter

Posts: 1932
Joined: Oct 2007

5/2/08 3:59 PM
User is offline View users profile

When I moved 3 hours away from my mom, I thought I emotionally as well as physically separated from her. (This was when I got married.) I'm not so sure it is guilt as much as frustration at times that makes me want to cut. She makes me feel guilty and then I get frustrated and don't know what to do. That I think is when I start to cut -- at the point of extreme frustration and helplessness.

It actually has begun to occur again (the cutting thing) because I feel so helpless. In two weeks I'm losing my job because someone is coming back from maternity leave (long, long story.) I'm feeling helpless and the thoughts of suicide and self injury are becoming to crop up and become louder and louder. I'd love to say there is a medication that would cure this feeling, but nothing will. I can't deal with it and thus, I self destruct. Usually it is related to my mom's behaviors but not always.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



gad
Senior Supporter

Posts: 1458
Joined: Jan 2006

5/4/08 4:08 AM
User is offline

Sorry that you are going through a difficult time.
Hope to hear good news.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     

View thread in raw text format
FORUMS > Self Injury < Refresh >

Navigation:

The information in this site is not intended to replace the advice of a doctor. FrumSupport disclaims any liability for the decisions you, the User, makes based on information on this site. By using this site, reading, viewing, posting or otherwise, you signify your assent to the Terms and Conditions of Use. If you do not agree to all these Terms and Conditions of Use, please do not use this site. FrumSupport may revise and update these Terms and Conditions of Use at anytime. Your continued usage of FrumSupport will mean you accept those changes.

If you think you or someone you know has a medical emergency, call your doctor, Hatzolah or 911 immediately. FrumSupport cannot and does not monitor forums and postings and cannot and will not pro-actively obtain help for users in need as FrumSupport does not have the funds or people power to accomplish such tasks and it will infringe on the anonymity of each user. Therefore, FrumSupport’s liability is limited by this paragraph and as further set forth in the Terms and Conditions of Use.