Login
Questions or Comments!
admin@frumsupport.com

Get FrumSupport News! Join our mailing list.
Email:


Search

Navigation:

 Tehilim List  < Refresh >
TOPIC TITLE: cutting...cutting...cutting
Created On 8/13/08 1:18 AM
Topic View:

View thread in raw text format


Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

8/13/08 1:18 AM
User is offline

haven't done it yet... (only one tiny, on the surface cut)
but in my mind, I am cutting my body with no end in sight..... the thoughts alone seem to bring some measure of relief.

What is wrong with me??????????????

i am cutting the body Hashem gave me, I deserve to be greatly punished.

I am so scared of the punishment the Aibeshter will no doubt hand out.

Yet even though my fear is palable.....(cannot sleep)

..... I continue to cut.....and cut... and cut some more....

i need help!
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



mouse
Senior Supporter

Posts: 1931
Joined: Oct 2007

8/13/08 3:22 AM
User is offline View users profile

I guess I don't have much positive to offer you. At least you care about what Hashem thinks or is going to do -- I'm beyond that point. I pretty much have the attitude with Hashem of "You don't like it, then kill me already." And the other attitude which is "I don't care what You think about my cutting or where I go, just get me out of here."


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

8/13/08 11:31 AM
User is offline

Sorry Munk that u feel so profoundly sad. I know that feeling when every moment of every hour feels torturous.

I have jst completed a 3 wk Intensive hospital out patient program. It got me out of a crisis, but i am still quite deep in the mud.

This program has jst begun to incorparate DBT into their program, but have not perfected their skills yet.

In DBT (i'm sure u know this), if u cut u lose your weekly therapy session, and u have to complete the chain analysis form.... in this IOP,
when i innocently admitted to cutting the night before, the ENTIRE team stopped talking to me, and ignored me through all the groups...

needless to say, it kinda increased the self injury tenfold, as i tried to process all those people abandoning me as a group!

sigh..... abandonenment issues are the pits.....it has a stranglehold on me that I am afraid will never dissapear.I left the hospital

and am actually all alone, as far as therapy. My psyciatrist is on vacation until end of August.... my therapist, who i miss so much, but

with whom i experience tremendous negative transference, and which is what led me into the hospital in the first place.

So, inaccordance with the hospitals recommendations, and my psychiatrists to give myself and T a break, and perhaps look for another therapist.

In the mean time i so very badly want to talk to my therapist.... but am trying hard to do the reccomended thing this time. (i usually do

what i think is best, and almost never listen to doctors advice...including meds)

And so i feel alone, abandoned......sad and a host of other feelings. I imagine that my medication needs to be increased.....still on the

lowest dose of a new medicine. But doc. is away....and i sit here and cut.

sorry Munk, i guess i'm not feeling that positive right now.

I hope you get beyond this sooner rather than later. (u sound very angry)
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



mouse
Senior Supporter

Posts: 1931
Joined: Oct 2007

8/13/08 3:29 PM
User is offline View users profile

I'm sorry you're having it so rough. I hate when I'm totally cut off from help. (My therapist is on a one wk vacation and I've got a psychiatrist with short patience for me.) I'm also sorry I can't give you much chizuk. I'm not angry though -- just hell-bent on getting off this planet. I can't identify with the emotion of anger easily. I know on some level I must be angry to do half the things I do (including breaking safety contracts and not owning up to it however, I can't actually see or feel it. I'm not sure I'd know it if it hit me on the head. Oh well. I hope things get better for you. That's about as supportive as I can get right now.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Frustrated
Junior Supporter

Posts: 2
Joined: Aug 2008

8/13/08 6:33 PM
User is offline



Edited: 10/27/08 at 2:42 PM by Frustrated
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



rainbow
Supporter

Posts: 79
Joined: Jan 2005

8/15/08 1:21 AM
User is offline View users profile

Debbi, Munkster,
I do not know about SI too much, But I am crying for both of you. May hashem give you the strength you need to take care of yourself.

I deal with my problems in other ways, but I really understand the feeling of 'I just can't take this any longer'.

There is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.....I didn't find it yet
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Holding on
Senior Supporter

Posts: 335
Joined: Mar 2006

8/17/08 1:20 AM
User is offline

hey all,

I'm so sorry that y'all are struggling so much. I know the feelings all too well...
Debbi - it must be extra hard w/o the support of your T, but we will always be here for you!
(I'm not in a position to help much, but I DO care)

Idk why I continue trying not to cut bec. I feel like it's just a matter of time before I do. It's pathetic bec. even though I'm at approximately 7 1/2 months w/o cutting (record) I can't accept or feel good about it even when others tell me how proud they are of me and how I should be proud of myself bec. I feel like I'm dragging by. I don't feel like I'm living. I'm more like existing bec. I don't have a choice in the matter.
And it's not like I'm becoming better, either.

Talking about G-d... only get's me more depressed. Yes, I believe in Him, but I haven't davened properly in ages. Sometimes I try to in English, in my own words but I don't feel like I can. Majority of the time when I ask of G-d for myself, it's crying myself to sleep that He should just take me back, that I shouldn't wake up. (I hate myself so much that sometimes I've managed to convince myself that I'm so 'bad' that He doesn't even want me back )
On this last fast-day, my niece (about 10-11) was angry at me for something and my brother-in-law (her father) was trying to calm her down, so he asked her, 'do you know why the Bais Hamikdosh was destroyed?' She says, 'Yes, bec. of _(my name)_!'
Now I know she's only a 'kid' and she's appoligized since, but I'm still shook up from it.

Yes, I still dress b'tznious, but I still feel like a fake. I'm in the shidduch parsha, but I feel like I shouldn't be. I feel like everyone thinks I'm much better than I actually am. I feel like yelling at them to just stop!
I don't hang out w/ guys or do drugs... nor am I officially a teenager anymore, but I wish someone would recognise me as a 'twenty-at-risk'. It's sooo hard, bec. I feel like if I would be hanging w/ guys... I would be getting help from various places, but bec. I don't act out too much, don't look 'at-risk' noone notices!!
What is wrong with me???

Debbi, I'm sorry for 'taking your thread'. I just needed to get that out of me.
I hope you have a gut voch!
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



gad
Senior Supporter

Posts: 1458
Joined: Jan 2006

8/17/08 4:01 AM
User is offline

Holding on, I hope that you soon merit to be at your chupah, with a good person. You and everyone else on this thread certainly deserve to have only good news from now on.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

8/18/08 5:03 AM
User is offline

((((((((holding on))))))))))

will respond wen more time.....jst wanted to say i TOTALLY get u. hugs
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



gad
Senior Supporter

Posts: 1458
Joined: Jan 2006

8/20/08 1:27 AM
User is offline

Quote

Originally posted by: Frustrated
I'm hurting so badly emotionally that I take it out physically on myself. .. I feel I can't get angry at other people .Frustrated


Welcome to the forum.

Sorry that you are hurting. I assume that you are seeing a doctor or therapist.

Not being angry at others can be a very good thing. But at the same time, you need to protect yourself too when necessary. As Hillel says, "If I am not for me, who will be for me?"

Hope to hear good news.

 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Holding on
Senior Supporter

Posts: 335
Joined: Mar 2006

8/20/08 2:05 PM
User is offline

Amein, and thank you Gad.
(not sure about marriage, but...)

Debbi, thank you for letting me know you understand.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

8/21/08 11:20 PM
User is offline

i did it.
three times.
I felt relief immediately afterwards, but now i am feeling..... i dont even know what...sad? alone? misunderstood? probably all of the above.

I feel mostly intense loneliness.
As though no living being can comprehend the profound pain, deep within my heart.
Does G-d understand?
Of course He must.
So why dont I feel comforted that He knows my pain?
Why do i feel so disconnected from Him. From myself?
Why do i need to see and feel the fresh cuts on my arm to know that i am alive?

No one in my life knows this about me.
They all believe I am "normal"
Hah! if they would only know what i do when i lock myself in the bathroom...

I wish the pain would go away.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

8/22/08 11:12 AM
User is offline

I feel so disconnected.
Alone.
Where will all this end?
With me killing myself?
I truly hope not.
I have been using all my skills this week.
Yet i am seeing no relief.
What does Hashem want from me right now?
Does He wish death upon me?
He is infinitely kind and compassionate, why would He want a mother to die?

I called someone today (my spiritual therapist). She told me to call the hospital and tell them to pick me up.... no! i cant go thru that again!!
She also suggested that I allow my body to take over the burden in my mind.
Swim. Sit on the grass and feel its strength enter my body. Do lots of physical actions, rather than be in my head.

I am trying... Oh, G-d I am really, really trying...
Do you believe me?
Do you think this all fabrication?

Hashem! I need your help.
There is no one left down here to guide me through the pain.

thank you all Frum support members for listening, and for always being here.

Have a peaceful Shabbos.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Aba
Senior Supporter

Posts: 546
Joined: Jul 2008

8/22/08 3:02 PM
User is offline View users profile

I can imagine the pain you are going through having seen it in my wife. (Thought they are your words I heard my wife's voice when I read your last 2 posts.)
Be strong Debbi your not as alone as you feel.

Good Shaboos
Aba of 4



-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Holding on
Senior Supporter

Posts: 335
Joined: Mar 2006

8/23/08 11:30 PM
User is offline

Debbi,

I'm sorry I don't have words of comfort.
I feel your pain.
Please hang in there.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

8/24/08 2:37 AM
User is offline

thank u so much for your words of encouragement.

Tonight i am feeling that the Nisayon that G-d is giving me is too difficult.

I no longer can.

I am tired and its too difficult.

apologies for being so completely negative.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



gad
Senior Supporter

Posts: 1458
Joined: Jan 2006

8/24/08 6:05 AM
User is offline

Sorry it's so difficult for you.
I hope you find the strength to carry on.
Hope to hear good news.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Holding on
Senior Supporter

Posts: 335
Joined: Mar 2006

8/28/08 11:51 PM
User is offline

Debbi,

You've come a loong way and it's understandab;e that you are tired of fighting this, but you can do it. Just by being here you are proving that you can do this.
Hang in there!

(((((HUGS)))))



 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

9/5/08 12:07 AM
User is offline

thanks all of u for your support and encouragement.
it really helps during those times of deep pain, to be able to come here and talk, and know that ppl will listen a nd respond.

i am feeling much better.
The urges to cut have lessened significantly, although whenever i experience any kind of pain throughout my day,such as scraping my skin on a chair, or burning myself on a frying pan.....all accidental of course.....i feel that same rush of adrenalin, as when i cut purposely. i wonder if anyone else "uses" accidents to feel better.

Someone told me recently that Borderline behaviors tend to age out, instead of detriorating as we grow older. At least time is on our side! Sientifically anyway.

thanks again everyone.

 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



It's all good...
Supporter

Posts: 66
Joined: Sep 2008

9/5/08 1:37 AM
User is offline

Debbie,
I think I know exactly what you mean about the "accidents". I love accidents...cuz it's almost like a permissible way of being hurt. I was always afraid of people asking about my scabs or burns and that I would not be able to lie about them....But if it's an accident, nobody thinks twice. B"H I'm in the process of getting past my SI struggle, and I can tell you that things *can* be better. It might take a long time, and you'll need superhuman strength and perseverance, but you can do it. I believe you can...

And by the way, about feeling disconnected from G-d that you mentioned earlier in this thread, I noticed with myself that right after I would cut or burn myself, I felt as if a wall was put up between myself and Him. It hurt me so much to realize that, and sometimes remembering that feeling of utter disconnection and loneliness and fear would prevent me from SIing...I felt like He was angry at me for hurting myself, and showing me that if I do that, I can't then turn to Him. But then the wall would come down...cuz He always waits for Teshuva......

Hang in there. All this is good somehow, and He loves you. For whatever reasons we can't understand, this struggle is what He knows is best for you...


-------------------------
Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

9/7/08 12:47 AM
User is offline

u sound so positive....even your name
wish i could be, unfortunately tonite i was listening to the dov hikind show, and i reacted badly and cut again.

i'm having a difficult time with therapist which i think i'll write in the "therapy" forum.

thank u for your encouragement.
i know what u mean about feeling that dsconnect from G-d. when i feel the urge to cut, though i often feel angry at Him??
i dont really understand why. Perhaps my Yetzer Hora allowing me to feel that if G-d is not good to me, then i can do anything i want to myself?
i dont know....
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



It's all good...
Supporter

Posts: 66
Joined: Sep 2008

9/7/08 1:21 AM
User is offline

Debbi--

Ah...it took a long time for me to find positivity. It was a long and difficult struggle (still is) but even thru the terrible pain I learned to realize the good stuff that I have in my life. It was *not* easy, but I'm so glad that my eyes were opened to the Goodness. That's not to say I don't have my bad days (unfortunately, too many of them :-(...) but things do pick up when you're committed to seeing the positive in your life.

(Looking back at that, I really hope I don't sound preachy...that was *completely* not my intention...)

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time...

Do you know what triggers you to cut? It's a good thing to pinpoint when you do need to cut and then see what the common denominators are...

About your y"h, he's a nasty fellow...he knows your weakest points and will kick you when you're down. It's good that you recognize that it's him that's causing problems...

Can I ask what you're angry at G-d for? And why you feel that G-d is not good to you? Only answer if you feel comfortable--I understand if it's hard to answer.

Gut voch, feel good, and take care
Rooting for you...


-------------------------
Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

9/7/08 2:59 PM
User is offline

Thank you,

I can well imagine the difficulty in seeing the positive. I have had a glimpse of it, so i know it is not impossible. I dont think though that I could ever use such a "good" name.....

I'm not sure the exact reasons for my anger against G-d.
I often believe that He is a caring good G-d..... just not to me.

Why did He allow to be molested at 5 years old, and then as though that wasn't enough, is allowing all the ppl in my life to suffer along with me?
Look what i am doing to my therapist, husband, children, doctor....etc????

I feel disgusted with myself.
Have lots more to say, but kids jst walked in, will try to get bk later.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



It's all good...
Supporter

Posts: 66
Joined: Sep 2008

9/8/08 5:03 PM
User is offline

I'm not sure if this answers you at all, but when I reach that point where I feel like I just can't go on functioning, I remember that however crazy my world may seem to be, I was placed *here*, in this struggle at exactly this time, cuz it's best for me. At times that seems insane, like how in the world is this BEST for me?! But in some way, it is. And it will help me grow in some way that I don't understand now.

I try to remember that when things get hard. Sometimes it doesn't work, but when it does, it's worth it....

Hang on there, dear. Rooting for you.....


-------------------------
Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Aba
Senior Supporter

Posts: 546
Joined: Jul 2008

9/9/08 11:10 AM
User is offline View users profile

Hi All,
Here is an article on the subject of being angry at Hashem Dear God, I’m Mad as Hell I was quite surprised by his outcome.

Kol Tuv,
Aba of 4



-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden

Edited: 9/9/08 at 11:10 AM by Aba
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Debbi
Senior Supporter

Posts: 488
Joined: Oct 2005

9/11/08 9:55 AM
User is offline

thank u,
i will check it out
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     

View thread in raw text format
FORUMS > Self Injury < Refresh >

Navigation:

The information in this site is not intended to replace the advice of a doctor. FrumSupport disclaims any liability for the decisions you, the User, makes based on information on this site. By using this site, reading, viewing, posting or otherwise, you signify your assent to the Terms and Conditions of Use. If you do not agree to all these Terms and Conditions of Use, please do not use this site. FrumSupport may revise and update these Terms and Conditions of Use at anytime. Your continued usage of FrumSupport will mean you accept those changes.

If you think you or someone you know has a medical emergency, call your doctor, Hatzolah or 911 immediately. FrumSupport cannot and does not monitor forums and postings and cannot and will not pro-actively obtain help for users in need as FrumSupport does not have the funds or people power to accomplish such tasks and it will infringe on the anonymity of each user. Therefore, FrumSupport’s liability is limited by this paragraph and as further set forth in the Terms and Conditions of Use.