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TOPIC TITLE: *MT* cut too deep
Created On 9/14/08 12:17 AM
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Debbi
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9/14/08 12:17 AM
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MT MT MT MT



Please dont read if you feel triggered by SI talk.






MT MT MT MT











I scared myself today.
I cut too deep.
But the cut has already started to heal, and i am looking for another "fix".
The deepness of the cut felt so good, and so I want to do it again.

On the other handI am disgusted with myself for using this destructive act as a way of coping.
I am trying on an hourly basis to "forget" that I have recently lost my therapist.
It has been nearly 2mths since we had a regular session. The last time we met was over 2wks ago, where she spent the entire 45min blaming me. After that she said we'll touch base when she gets back from her vacation. Touch base? I want a session....i dont want to "touch base"!

Deep down i know its over, and i want to accept it, and take the time to get over the loss i feel so greatly.
Often though i feel overwhelmed, and my initial thought is, "oh, I'll talk to T, or I can even call her", and then with a jolt, i recall that i am no longer in treatment with her. Thats when my heart begins to race, and I reach for the razor to help calm my thoughts.

I know that u guys are prob disgusted....i feel my own disgrace, so why wouldnt u?
I'm not asking for sympathy.....if i create my own wounds, iI deserve the pain....its my own stupid fault.

I just need to be heard, and know that i'm not completely alone in my world.

debbi


Edited: 9/14/08 at 12:22 AM by Debbi
 
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Fragile
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9/14/08 2:00 AM
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U are completely not alone. I totally understand you.
I used to cut and I'm recovering from an eating disorder so I had my share of self destructive coping mechanisms.

This is my opinion: I think u need a new therapist. U need to move on. If you had her for eight years and you're still struggling, maybe u need a change? It doesn't sound like you have a very healthy relationship with her. You're too dependent on her and if she's not around you're totally lost. Therapists can't be so close to their clients.
I had the same thing with my friend (She's actually 10 years older than me!). I was really close to her and every time something went wrong I leaned on her. She always made everything feel better (temporarily), I felt like someone cared. She went away for the summer and her phone didn't work at the place where she was at. All of the sudden everything spiraled out of control. I was at my worst then. But it was at that time that I realized I can't allow my recovery to be dependent on another person. It has to come from within me. I still speak to her now (hardly as much as i used to) but I learned to cope with triggers on my own.
I don't know if i made any sense, I'm really tired. Let me know...

I hope u feel better
*hugs*
 
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It's all good...
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9/14/08 2:03 AM
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Debbi--

First of all, I am *not* disgusted with you at all! I can understand your self-disgust, having felt it myself after the things I'd done to myself, but remember that we are so much more critical of ourselves than with others. Had I told you tonight that I'd cut myself, would you be disgusted with me? Look back to all the comments you left to other people who had posted about their own falls... See how you reacted? We're not disgusted. We're here and feeling your pain and and understanding (in our own ways) your feelings of loneliness and disgust, and rooting for you and supporting you and listening to you and loving you...

I'm so sorry you have progressed to deeper injury to fill the need. It's scary when it gets worse and you need to keep going deeper and deeper to satisfy yourself. But I want to assure you that it's not a hopeless case for you--yes you'll feel the need to do more damage every time, but it's possible to stop the cycle. You're not a lost case...

And I almost cried when I read what you wrote about deserving the pain and it being your fault..... I struggle with blaming myself for everything that happens to me...so it's so hard for me to say anything about it, but I want you to know that you are not alone in your world, nor are you unheard or misunderstood. I may not be in your pain with you, but I understand it in my own way, and I'm here to listen to you and feel it alongside you, and give my empathic comments (for what they're worth....)

Debbi, hang in there....
Things may seem completely bleak, but you can get past this hurdle. You can.

I wish I could say how. I wish I could say anything that would make you feel better....but I really don't know what to say. Just know we're here, listening, and sitting in your pain with you, holding your hand thru it all.

May you have a week full of positive experiences, self-acceptance, and a healing of all of your pains.....


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Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
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mouse
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9/14/08 4:03 AM
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Gosh, Debbie, I think you are too hard on yourself. Losing a therapist that you've had that long and not feeling the control over the situation (ie. you aren't the one saying goodbye first) is really tough. That happened to me with a therapist and in some ways I'm still not over it.

As for the cutting. I also get the same feeling that once it starts to heal to quickly, I didn't do "enough." Thus, I'm right now cutting at least once an hour and my arms are a mess not to mention the binging and purging getting more frequent and violent (for lack of a better description.) As for quitting it, I know it is possible; I've done it before. The question is "do i want to?" Also, what will replace those behaviors? I always go back to it because nothing replaces those behaviors and I just am stuck with that "feeling" (or lack thereof.) Once again I'm babbling.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Debbi
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9/14/08 8:58 AM
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Thank you ((((all))))

Its so amazing how a few kind words can comfort a weeping soul.
I wrote my post late last night before i went to sleep (i see that many of u were up even later than I) and this morning as soon as i sent my kids off to school, i logged on to see if anyone had "heard" me.

Thank u!
I think we are all so much more harsh on ourselves than we r with others.
You all have so many different words of comfort to offer....and I do too, yet when it comes to my/ourselves we move in fast with the blame.

i know i do need to find a new T. But i doubt i could start all over with s/mone else.....and she promised, she would ALWAYS be there, no matter what!..... i know i sound like a child, and i feel like one, so vulnerable and needy, it makes me sick.
I think the feeling that because "she" is the one in control here, calling the shots, that cutting seems my only source of feeling some measure of control of my emotions.

Makes no sense...i know.
I know i will cut today, the need is so strong, and i know that i will feel disgusted afterwards, what an ugly vicious cycle.

thank u again for so much support,
And may of all of you have a peaceful and healthy day.
 
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killedlastyear
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9/14/08 6:28 PM
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you aren't alone.
and i'm not disgusted.
its totaly understandable.
my un-professional advice: get a new therapist and quick. it's totaly understandable that you feel abandoned by yours...but her blaming you? you need to find someone new, hopefuly the transition wont be as painful as it sounds like you're anticipating it to be.
 
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It's all good...
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9/15/08 8:27 AM
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Debbi--

It *does* make sense. At least to me--probably most of us reading what you write. Please don't put yourself down cuz of how you feel.

Rooting for you! Go have yourself a positive, productive, meaningful, clarity-filled day!

Hang in there
(((HUGS)))
Itsy


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Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
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Debbi
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9/16/08 9:05 AM
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thanks KLY and itsy,

i didnt cut B'h, although its on my mind every time i have a moment to think.
Its funny, but i never know if i will end up doing it or not.
I mean, usually with most things, I kind of know if i will end up doing something, such as eating that ice cream, buying the sweater, d'u know what i mean?
But cutting is so dependent on my moods. I've been thinking about cutting for a few days now (feels like forever), and every time i see the bandaids in the bathroom, or if i feel any kind of sharp pain on my skin (peeling veg. perhaps) i feel a jolt, and an urge to do it...and then the urge passes, and i forget that i wanted to do it.

So today, its on my mind...

i want to share something that i am really ashamed of.
Tommorow i have an intake appointment with a DBT program, i'm supposed to be going there for 6mths, if they think i'm a good candidate for their program.
I really dont want to be there....or perhaps i do? very undecided, i want that kind of strong support, yet at the same time i loathe the whole idea, and just want to go back to my individual therapy, and get on with my life.
ok. so where's the shame?

I feel like i *need* to cut so that i have something to show....phew! there..I said it! i've exposed one of the ugly parts of myself.
Why on earth would i do that?
What do i want from them?
Do i need to "show" them that this is for real? That my pain is real? That i am asking for help?
Why can't i just "say" it in words...."I am feeling overwhelmed, sad, lonely misunderstood and so much more, please can you help me?"
But no, I have to have a huge red scar to "explain" how i feel!

How absolutely horribly twisted is that?

Please dont judge me harshly......i have never verbalised this oh so shameful part of myself, i'm scaring myself into admitting that some part of me is sooo pathetic. i honestly dont get it myself...its an overpowering urge, stronger than the scars i leave on myself.
Is that it?
Scars of pain?
Scars of shame?

i really dont understand.


Edited: 9/16/08 at 10:57 AM by Debbi
 
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killedlastyear
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9/16/08 10:04 AM
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It's so weird how much of an addiction it is! I was just thinking about that when you mentioned all those triggers you have, Debbi. Like so many people would seriously not understand how much of a FORCE there is for us to do it.
 
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It's all good...
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9/16/08 12:44 PM
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Wow.

I can relate so much to what you said, Debbi. First of all, when I read what you wrote about having to show the physical proof to them, my stomach flipped, cuz I remember feeling the same way. My therapist and some of my friends had known I was SIing (not just cutting--lotsa stuff) and I felt that in order to "prove" to them that I was really in pain, I had to have some physical evidence of it. And when my therapist asked me to show her what I'd done to myself, I was scared at what she'd think--like would she look and think, "Ach, that's nothing! She's pathetic..." or "Oh, L-rd, that's insane! She's pathetic..." It was almost like I needed to have it there, on my skin, so that should anyone want to see (and I'm not sure if I'd wanted anyone to see or not--I was pulled so violently in both directions at once...) it would be there. Like the title of a book out there--a bright red scream... So I can really relate, Deb. But remember, you're going to DBT cuz you have to. You don't have to prove anything to them. I'm not even sure they'll ask about it your first time you go. Be strong, Debbi...please--do it for yourself. Try to use your words to explain how you feel....
You're not horribly twisted, and you're not shameful. But I'm so sorry you're so confused. You're not alone.....

Secondly, like KLY said, people just don't understand why stuff triggers us. There was a point where everything--even totally normal things like the edges of windowframes and pen caps and twist-ties and all sorts of regular stuff that I instantly saw in my mind as a weapon. You're not crazy. It's a tough time for you, I know....but there will be a time when you'll look back at it a one big nightmare...

Hang in there, Deb. Rooting for you so much that I'm getting hoarse :-)

(((hugs)))
itsy


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Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
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Aba
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9/16/08 4:57 PM
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Debbi,
Good luck tomorrow. I'm sure you will be able to relate to them verbally how you feel, your posts are usually quite coherent in relating over your pains and frustrations.

As far as the need for one "to speak with their hands and not with their mouth", that's how we refer to it in our house, is something which my wife and I once thought about too, so it doesn't sound too strange to me.

May the force (read L-rd) be with you,
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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Debbi
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9/17/08 9:03 AM
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thank you so much for all your replies.

Yes i need to communicate with my mouth.......

I did cut last night.
I feel sad.
Sad that I allowed myself to give in.
Ashamed that I mostly did it b/c of the appointment i have today.... if not for that i probably could have held on a bit longer. sigh*

The stinging pain I felt last night as I lay in bed was strangely comforting.
Absurd.
I find it difficult to understand the way my brain works.
In a normal world, pain = sadness, hurt, and many more feelings.
In my world, pain from a sizable cut on my arm = comfort.
How twisted.
Last night the tiny twinges of pain gently pulsating through my arm, reminded me of something.
Something in the past.
Although I'm not quite sure.
A bizarre kind of comfort that I used to feel as a child, trying to fall asleep in bed.
The memories are so vague, yet they pull me towards them.
I feel awkward trying to pull them to me.
Its all so foggy and unreal.
Yet the tingling pain in my body is very real...... and sad, and comforting.....

I wish i had a therapist to help me understand all of this.....

I dont want to cut anymore...but I really do want to.
I hate the pain and the scars, and I love them too.

???????????????????????????????????????????
confusion sets in, and i no longer want to think about all of this.

thank u for listening
 
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Aba
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9/18/08 8:58 AM
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Debbi,
How did it go?
As all beginnings are hard, Kol Haschlos Kushos, I hope it wasn't too hard.
Aba


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden

Edited: 9/18/08 at 8:59 AM by Aba
 
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killedlastyear
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9/18/08 10:46 AM
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Debbi, you write really well.
And all that confusion, that's our problem alot of us. Confusion, frustration, anger and... bang bang bang we all take it out on ourselves.
We're too creative in our minds and our thoughts we just can't keep up with ourselves that's what I think. Too much thoughts and not enough actions. Or maybe i'm just talkin for myself.
 
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unhelpable.
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9/20/08 7:14 PM
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hi everyone.
hope you're all enjoying shabbos.
--debbi, how'd it go?
thinking of you...
--KLY, no you're talking for me too.
had a really yucky weekend. just really really miserable, and i felt i had to vent somewhere. i already did my arms, and i'm scared i'm gonna black out if i do anything else, so i came here.
i'm feeling so... horrible. i dunno what i'm feeling. all i know is that its horrible.
i think i should go to bed. i'm making no sense and i don't even know why i'm going to post this. but i will anyway.
pray for me...


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"everyone crys every now and then, my tears just happen to be red."
 
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Holding on
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9/20/08 11:40 PM
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Unhelp - I hope you're doing a bit better since you posted.
I'm sorry you're feeling so yucky - I know what you mean when you don't even know what you feel or why you feel that way.
What happened this weekend?
Please don't do any more harm. I know the temptation can be strong, but hang in there! Come talk here instead - you did well posting instead of further hurting yourself!

tc,
Holding on
 
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It's all good...
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9/21/08 1:10 AM
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Debbi--
How are you holding up? Been thinking of you...

KLY--
Perhaps....tho I wish we knew what it was in our minds that we can't keep up with...cuz then maybe we'd have some answers...

Un--
I do pray for you. All the time.
Please take care...
Feeling horrible right there along with you........



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Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
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Debbi
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9/22/08 12:53 AM
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i'm so sorry so many of u are feeling so awful.
((((((hugs)))))))) to all of you, and may Hashem hear your cries of pain.

Hope its okay to give an update, when unfortunately I don't feel much better than all of you.

I went to the DBT intake. I felt comfortable with the Dr. who met me, she seemed warm and very understanding of my issues. I felt understood, but most importantly not blamed for cutting and feeling suicidal. She actually "got it".

Now i am waiting for her to get back to me to let me know if the team would like to accept me to their program. duh! Makes me feel angry...as though i really want to be "accepted" into another mental health program.

In the meantime I have not been in contact with my T. I suppose u r not surprised b/c u probably believe ppl when they say smthing. I on the other hnd have been idiotic enough to believe that as soon as she returned from her vacation she would contact me.if not for a session, then at least to touch base.

Needless to say, she refrained from any contact at all.
By the end of the week, (this past Friday) I am ashamed to say that i was grasping at straws, and that I would have been estatic had she just left a msg, that she is bk.

This evening my P.doc called to see if i wanted to reschedule since i had cancelled my apointment. She asked me if i had been in touch with my T, I was taken aback, b/c had really believed that they were in touch, and that my T at the very least knew that i was still alive!

The fact that she really has no way of knowing how I am, and obviously has made no attempt to find out, feels to me like the last straw.
I am embarrassed to even admit to the raw pain i feel inside.
After all, she is but a therapist.....yet i feel so sad and alone.
i feel that I am to blame......that she must feel such relief that i am no longer her client from hell.....I feel abandoned....I feel a sense of despair....and a profound sense of shame, which seems to fill every cell in my body.

shame for needing so much.
Shame for not being the "good" patient, and instead hurting my therapist so deeply that she couldnt even bring herself to say goodbye to me.

I must come to term with this loss.
Often the emotional pain rips through me, almost taking away my breath.

And this too will pass.

She would tell me that al lthe time. "They are only feelings" she would offer.

But oh those "only feelings", how they do hurt.

debbi


Edited: 9/22/08 at 12:59 AM by Debbi
 
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It's all good...
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9/22/08 9:01 AM
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(((hugs)))

Thinking of you...rooting for you...

itsy


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Hodu laShem ki tov...
 
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