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TOPIC TITLE: I don't know how much longer I can take it
Created On 3/22/09 4:41 PM
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HopefulHeart711
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3/22/09 4:41 PM
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I try hard not to cut, I mean, I have a lot of support from my teachers and friends, but it's still the pits. I often feel unloved, lonely and in a world so full of pain that I don't know what to do with myself. My parents are in total denial of my depression and SI and that's why i only saw a therapist 4,5 times. I need help desperately. I don't enjoy writing anymore like i used to and life is just a blur. Life=pain. I get so angry at Hashem even though I know it's wrong. I hate myself and my life. I'm turning 18 in 2 weeks and I'm dreading graduation because i love my school so much and don't know how i'll manage without everyone's support. i cry all the time about it. My father keeps threatening to kick me out of the house because he terms my behavior due to intense pain as 'rebellious'. How much longer can i keep going like this? there seems to be no end to this torment. All i need is love. Sometimes, just a hug or kiss or compliment or whatever is enough to give me strength to keep on going. I need love so badly.
 
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killedlastyear
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3/22/09 4:52 PM
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**hugs**
I really don't know what to say. But you've come to the right place if it's support you want. Alot of times writing is a good way to vent feelings. I suggest doing that either in a private journal for yourself, or on here if you'd rather. That's all the help i really am right now
 
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HopefulHeart711
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3/22/09 5:15 PM
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Thanks. It really means a lot to me. I needed that. Writing doesn't seem so fun anymore. i used to love to write, i actually take a course for writing thru the mail, but everything seems so wrong now. Sigh. Do u think everything will ever become better? is there hope for me?
 
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gad
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3/22/09 6:36 PM
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It can often happen that things look hopeless at the moment. And then somehow it gets better.

I noticed that you gave support to someone on another thread. This was a big Mitzva, and showed a lot of caring.

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of stress right now, and you could probably benefit from advice from a good friend, or a teacher you respect, or a therapist who has been successful in helping people in similar situations.

You could perhaps ask Ohel or Relief for help with this.

ohel 718-851-6300 http://www.ohelfamily.org/

relief 718-431-9501 http://www.reliefhelp.org/profile.htm


Hope to hear good news.
 
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downandout
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3/22/09 7:56 PM
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It really sounds like you are going through a lot right now. It's really hard to be in such pain and just wish for that little bit of love and have such a hard time getting it.
It sounds like therapy is not such an option for you because of your parents. There are organizations that can set you up with a "mentor" - basically, just a friend (usually someone older than you) who you can talk to and can be there for you. I'm not sure where you are located, but maybe you can find out if your area has any programs like that. That's something you can set up for yourself, and does not involve money... Also, like KLY said, coming on here is also an option. This forum and everybody on it has helped me a ton in my worst times. We care about you, and want you to feel better.
And I get what you mean about a hug. I want one too. Will you take one from me?
Have a good night. Hope you feel just a wee bit better....


-------------------------
I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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4702125952
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3/23/09 6:39 PM
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I get so angry at Hashem even though I know it's wrong.

HaShem can bear your anger. You need to let yourself feel it and the pain and grief that usually lie underneath it.

You are no longer a minor at 18 and you can go to the Jewish Board and request a therapist trained in DBT or familiar with SI. Can your school psychologist or guidance counselor/social worker help?
 
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mouse
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3/27/09 4:03 AM
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470...I love you...not a bad idea....at 18 one is not a minor anymore and quite a few services become available that weren't before. Good pt. It's scary to go around what your parents may want, but sometimes really really important. This is one of those times.
Munky


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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killedlastyear
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3/27/09 10:10 AM
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I agree with munskter. Consult a rabbi first if that makes you feel more comfortable with the decision. You can even ask anonymously by email.


Edited: 3/27/09 at 10:10 AM by killedlastyear
 
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HopefulHeart711
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4/1/09 1:58 PM
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Update! Last few days haven't been so happy, but my school is actually part of a program and we have a psychologist on board. I was able to see her once even before i turned 18 and once I'm 18 (this Sunday), i'll be able to sign my own release forms and continue going to her without my parent's knowledge. I really really like her.

I feel like she really understands me, you know, gets what i'm enduring. I think this might work out after all. I hope. Have any of you heard of her? she's just super! Thanks for all your support!

I have learned how to suppress my urge to cut. I don't know how long it will last, but for the moment, I've got self-control. In some way, that means that I do have control over some aspects of my life, like whether to cut or not. Isn't that great? Lately, this is how I've distracted myself from my depression: smelling perfume (it really works after awhile!), reading, listening to music, going out with a friend-i try anything to get my mind off my thoughts.

I hope other people can gain strength from this, 'cause if you really want to do something badly, it's possible. Then again, maybe I'm only saying this because I'm in a good mood today. Whatever.


Edited: 4/24/09 at 3:28 PM by HopefulHeart711
 
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mouse
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4/2/09 4:32 AM
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Hey, good mood, whatever, it's good to hear a good update on a not-so-happy situation. I'm glad it's working out for you. Keep trying. And happy birthday . Also, have good Pesach.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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HopefulHeart711
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4/24/09 3:17 PM
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I really like my therapist. I saw her once so far. I'm going to see her once a week in school, for FREE bec of my school being part of a certain program. Until all the paperwork is figured out, i can't go back, but i'm looking forward to going again! I luv u all! mwa! Hugs and Kisses times a million!
 
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