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TOPIC TITLE: need to cut
Created On 11/24/09 9:25 PM
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Debbi
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11/24/09 9:25 PM
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i want to cut so badly.
i did today, and then therapist asked me to bring in my razors. I gave them to her, and i supose its helping because right now although i want to cut i have no blades and i feel guilty going to buy more- bc i'm supposed to be commited to DBT, which means using skills.

I dont want to use skills.
i just want relief so why dont i just cut?
Bc if i do I'm scared my therapist will ditch me.
She told me today that if i cant commit to doing DBT then therapy with her wont work.

I feel like dying when she says that.
makes me feel so alone and like a "bad" person who cant do anything right.

I hate myself right now.
hate my body
hate my skin
want to cut

im going to rite aid now to buy more razors.

i'm such a LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
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gad
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11/24/09 9:58 PM
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No one likes to get told off.

I hope that things get better for you soon.
 
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downandout
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11/24/09 10:39 PM
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You are not a loser. You are someone who is struggling, trying your hardest to keep your head above water. Every once in a while, your head goes beneath the surface, but then you pull yourself back up again, above the water level. And I know that that is what you are like, because you've shown before on this forum that you may fall, but you always pull yourself back up.
Now you may feel like you are on the falling end, but I know that you will get up again.
Of course, I hope you don't cut, and I hope you are able to stay on with your therapist doing DBT.
Please keep strong. You so can do it.
(((((((((hugs)))))))))))


-------------------------
I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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11/24/09 11:12 PM
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debbi i hope the feelings you're having now- that are driving you to cut yourself - go away or at least subside enough so that you're able to learn to cope with them instead or resorting to cutting to numb them out.

quoting you:
"Bc if i do I'm scared my therapist will ditch me.
She told me today that if i cant commit to doing DBT then therapy with her wont work.
I feel like dying when she says that.
makes me feel so alone and like a "bad" person who cant do anything right."
(end quote)

have you let your therapist know how you feel? It might be helpful to see what she has to say about that. See if she really will ditch you or not. Sounds like your worrying over it all is just adding to your other feelings- might as well get that one out of the way. I suggest talking it out with her.
 
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Debbi
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11/25/09 1:04 AM
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thanx for your support and helpful comments.
i did buy the razors- but BH the urges subsided as soon as i bought them!

relief!
 
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killedlastyear
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11/25/09 7:57 AM
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that's great!
wow i think i so know what you're talking about! it's like the not being able to do it makes you want to do it so much more, but once you know you're actually able to it somehow doesn't become as necessary..
plus maybe in some way the act of you buying them was enough "rebelling" it gave you a sense that in a way you'd already cut yourself? i dunno if i'm explaining myself enough for that to make sense but we'll pretend...
 
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downandout
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11/25/09 12:58 PM
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Debbi - good going! I'm so happy for you! Keep it up!

See? I was right - you're so not a loser, and in fact, you're really a winner.


-------------------------
I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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Debbi
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11/26/09 5:29 PM
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KLY yes it really is the way u described.
thanx every1 for your support.
 
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Holding on
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11/26/09 6:51 PM
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Debbi, I'm happy you didn't cut.
Kly, it really is like that, i remember oh so well from when i was doing it...
Hang in there! You can do this!
 
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Debbi
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11/26/09 9:13 PM
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today i did.
too much
i feel disgusted w myself yet at the same time i cant wait until i can do it again
 
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shtarkebachur
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11/27/09 1:45 PM
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debbi, recovery is a process. when you do a positive act, such as smiling, or doing something constructive (e.g. i find that helping people, in a balanced way, gives me tremendous strength) you are exercising your spiritual muscles. it really makes you stronger.

when we relapse into our addictions, every thought we have about it depresses us. therefore, the period immediately after a relapse is the most important time for doing positive acts which bring us joy. it's difficult, i know. i'm going through it myself. yet, since discovering this secret, i've built a lot of strength by pushing to do positive acts. so now is your time to push yourself.

what do you love? teaching? writing? talking to a friend? helping old or sick people? do it now.

keep a journal where you write down ten times a day that you restrained yourself. every act of self-discipline builds your self-respect and gives you more strength for the future.


-------------------------
Enjoying life while fighting anxiety!
 
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Aba
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11/30/09 1:56 PM
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>recovery is a process ...
With my ups and downs, hang in there and please don't hate yourself for being on a down.

Kol Tuv,
Aba


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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