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TOPIC TITLE: i haven't done this in so long
Created On 11/25/09 11:00 PM
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killedlastyear
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11/25/09 11:00 PM
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it's prob been around a year or over a year since i've last cut.

i've wanted to but not badly enough to actually do it.

i need to so badly now.

i'm trying so hard to just sit here and cry it out but i don't know what else to do with myself.

the prob is there isn't anything i can do. i have no control over anything. and i need control. and i feel really out of control right now. and i'm really hating everything and i know cutting would just make me feel so much better.

my dad just used his paying for all my therapy as a reason why i can't get mad at him and why i can't ever be rude to him and since i live in his house i have to do everything he tells me to do. you just don't do that to someone. you don't make them feel guilty about using all your money on therapy. i want to take it all back. all the therapy sessions and everything. i don't want to be in "debt" to him. i don't want to be owned by anyone.

i need to get out of thiis house. i don't know what to do and have no money and no place to go.

i'm over 20 years old i can't be treated or talked to or OWNED like a child.
 
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downandout
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11/25/09 11:20 PM
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((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))) to you, KLY.

It must feel really awful to feel such a lack of control over yourself and your life. I can understand that you're dying to cut.

And I'm not going to tell you to keep trying not to, because I know that you are trying. You're amazing for doing that - for giving up on something that has in the past made you feel better and more in control.

That's it. I honestly can't think of any real advice to offer - but just wanted to give my support.

Good luck!


-------------------------
I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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gad
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11/25/09 11:33 PM
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Sometimes, when someone shows a lack of sensitivity etc, it may be helpful to keep yourself, and your emotions, at a distance.

In other words, to try to be cordial; but to try to spend time in your own room, or outside, and to just tell yourself that while you appreciate his help, you need to keep a distance.

You are not necessarily blaming him. But you are still, of necessity, trying to (diplomatically) keep a healthy distance.

Hope to hear good news.
 
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killedlastyear
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11/25/09 11:57 PM
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I wrote my dad a letter but I'm not sure if I should actually give it to him.

Do you think it's appropriate for me to email my therapist and ask her if she could read it and tell me if she thinks I should give it to him? I won't be seeing her for another week but I'm never sure if it's OK to ask them to take time to do stuff for me when it's not during a session and she isn't getting paid.
 
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killedlastyear
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11/25/09 11:58 PM
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I did tell him that. He had a major prob with it. I told him I needed to be away and please let me just go to my room for a bit. I got a big lecture.
 
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littleengine
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11/26/09 12:41 AM
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I'm sorry that you're going through such a hard time. Please give yourself credit for trying not to cut. I don't know much about cutting but I do know about other self injurious behaviors and I often feel out of control and in need of doing something, anything to change that feeling. It is the hardest thing to not let yourself do what you feel you must do. It requires a huge ammount of strength for each moment that you don't give in to that need. But you are trying.
And it isn't okay for anyone to make another person feel indebted to them. But for sure not for paying for therapy.
And it sounds like your father contributed at least somewhat to, or maybe even played a bigger part in the problems that caused you to need therapy. So it makes sense for him to pay for it.
I think writing to someone about your feelings toward them is a really good and healthy response.
It's great that you were able to do that.
I think it is appropriate to email your therapist and ask her if she could read it. With email, she can read it at a time that is conveniant for her. It's totally okay to ask your therapist for a few moments of her time to help you with a problem that can't wait a week til you see her again. It doesnt sound like you ask her for things all the time.
Well, your post sure gave me alot of things to think about.
Good Luck and I hope things get better for you.
 
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killedlastyear
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11/26/09 1:18 AM
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update:
i'm not going to give the letter to my father. i stupidly went and told my mom how i was feeling and what happened and i know she's going to tell my father since she tells him everything.
i feel worse now. i asked her for help and instead she basically told me that i'm right i won't move out any time soon. i feel so hopeless.

it was so stupid to go talking to her. whenever i do i always end up feeling worse.

i'm so STUCK.
 
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killedlastyear
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11/26/09 1:19 AM
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thanks for what you wrote littleengine, i'll try to come back and respond when i'm feeling a little better.
 
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gad
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11/26/09 1:27 AM
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Sorry you're having such a difficult time.

I hope things get better soon.


Edited: 11/26/09 at 1:28 AM by gad
 
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gad
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11/26/09 1:35 AM
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Quote

Originally posted by: killedlastyear
I did tell him that. He had a major prob with it. I told him I needed to be away and please let me just go to my room for a bit. I got a big lecture.


I don't know if it's necessary to explain anything to him.

Just to be cordial, and if he lectures to say "I understand," and then to say "Excuse me," and then to just head to your room, or outside.

In other words, to softly allow for a safe distance to be had between you and him.
 
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gad
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11/26/09 1:46 PM
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I've thought this over, and I'm thinking as follows:

In general, all of what I'm writing is a suggestion, and the main thing is to follow your therapist's instructions.

But here are my thoughts.

It may not be necessary to keep a physical distance (to go outside or into your room etc.) Sometimes this is necessary and helpful. But I think that more important is to keep an intellectual and emotional distance for this particular point, and not to "swallow" a parent's unsensitive way of thinking.

So while a child loves and appreciates a parent, at the same time the child realizes that no one is perfect, and that the parent may have certain ideas which the child can (in the child's own mind) disagree with.

So it's possible to realize that a parent is wrong about a certain point, but at the same time to still love and appreciate the parent.

I hope that this is helpful.

Hope to hear good news.


Edited: 11/26/09 at 1:49 PM by gad
 
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killedlastyear
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11/26/09 2:47 PM
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you're right gad. It wasn't necessary for me to explain anything to him. I followed your advice with that this morning when he asked if I wanted to go to coffee with him (???). I was just like "no thank you" and that was that. Same with my mom. She wanted to talk to me and I was like "not right now" and left it at that.
 
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su7kids
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11/26/09 2:49 PM
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KLY, I think that takes a lot of strength on your part. Good for you!!


-------------------------
Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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killedlastyear
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11/26/09 2:49 PM
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I'm feeling a little better this morning (but my depression always gets worse at night). I've kept myself busy cleaning my room (I see that as productive distraction).
 
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killedlastyear
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11/26/09 2:51 PM
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thanks su7kids
 
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Debbi
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11/26/09 5:26 PM
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((((((((((((((((((((((((KLY)))))))))))))))))))))))

hugs r the most i can offer right now. sorry. going thru lotsa stuff myself.
 
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Holding on
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11/26/09 7:04 PM
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KLY, I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time right now. I really feel with you as I've been through very similar situations with my parents. I'm B"H married now but even so, my parents make me feel guilty... sometimes. When i was living at home I locked myself in my room Alot, and towards the end, just b4 getting married I went out with friends pretty often bec i needed space. When i was in my room i spaced out a lot bec I hated myself for 'ignoring' my parents but i really cldnt deal with them. I wish I had some useful advice, sorry. Just wanted to let you know that i understand what you're going through.
Hang in there!
And congrats on not cutting for such a long time!!! That is really amazing.
 
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channafofanna
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11/27/09 2:43 PM
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(((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))
you deserve one!
 
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killedlastyear
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11/28/09 9:20 PM
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thanks chana, holdingon, and debbi.

holdingon I really can relate to what you said. I spend alot of time in my room. And alot of time feeling guilty about it.

I emailed my therapist telling her that I need an earlier appointment, but also that I'm not sure because I partly want to quit therapy since my parents are paying for it and I'm tired of feeling like I owe them. I'll see what she says.
 
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