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TOPIC TITLE: HELP!!! I feel like i need to cut and O.D
Created On 11/30/09 8:43 PM
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toy123
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11/30/09 8:43 PM
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I'm new to the site but i need someplace to express my feelings.

I'm out of the hospital since mid July and have only cut twice since then. Right now I'm in intense therapy and things have been really difficult for me the past month. I feel like I'm loosing it and will start giving in to my urges. I have such strong urges to overdose and cut and feel like I can't control them, and also some part of me really doesn't wanna control them. I'm so confused and wish this constant battle would go away already!!!!!!!!


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Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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downandout
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11/30/09 10:57 PM
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First of all, welcome to frumsupport! It's a great place for you to express your feelings, and to get support and feedback.

About your urges... It's so tough when those keep on coming back, especially since you've been working so hard at keeping them at bay. And of course it's confusing - because you want to cut and overdose, but at the same time you so badly want to get better, and you know that cutting and overdosing will prevent you from getting better.
Do you do DBT? I know there are some DBT methods that are really supposed to help with self-destructive urges. (Although, honestly, I've never really done DBT myself - I've just gone through the workbook.)
Just make sure to be proud of yourself each time you manage to resist the impulse. Maybe try rewarding yourself with something small each time.
Good luck!


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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toy123
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12/1/09 1:57 PM
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Thanx downandout.
Yes I'm currently in dbt therapy with a dbt therapist. I must say that it does help but sometimes I just feel like screw everyone I don't want to use my skills. I'm having such strong urges to buy razors and am really afraid that I'll end up doing so. I feel like the urges are gonna win


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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gad
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12/1/09 6:12 PM
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In what way does dbt help?
 
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toy123
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12/1/09 6:36 PM
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My therapist is teaching me skills to use when urges come up like distracting and doing other things, but i feel like i don't wanna do any of this and just wanna self destruct


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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gad
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12/1/09 6:53 PM
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I wonder if, in addition to the skills, you also need to feel a sense of purpose. I wonder if that would help.
 
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gad
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12/1/09 9:21 PM
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On the other hand, it's quite possible that you already do feel a sense of purpose.

If that's the case, then can you think of anything that would help you defeat the urges?

Like maybe just (for the time being) to force yourself to use the skills. And perhaps eventually you may feel more comfortable using the skills.

In other words, maybe initially forcing yourself will eventually lead to wanting it, or at least maybe it will become somewhat easier.


I don't really know if any of the above suggestions are good. I'm just tossing them out in case they may be helpful.
 
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downandout
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12/1/09 9:41 PM
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It's obviously very hard to use your skills all the time. It's one thing to know how to use them, and quite another thing to actually want to use them.

Whatever it is, you sound like your working very hard to resist the urges. Keep it up! And, one fall does not mean you have failed. You can get up again and continue to do well - it's not an all or nothing situation.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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toy123
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12/1/09 9:42 PM
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Thanx Gad. I actually don't feel/see a purpose in life right now. I'm going through a real low. I use to use the skills no problem but lately it's like I have to push so hard just to use them. And the funny thing is that a part of me really does want to use them and a part of me is just saying screw it.


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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gad
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12/1/09 10:20 PM
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As D&O (down [to earth] and [reaching] out) wrote in the post above, knowing and wanting are two different things.

And as you write, you have mixed feelings. You want to, and you don't want to.

But like D&O writes, it pays to keep pushing.


Another possible suggestion is to try to help others.
(Often when people are down, they find that helping others makes them (the helpers) feel happier and more fulfilled. It makes them feel like they are fulfilling an important purpose.)

Whether it means visiting people in the hospital, helping special needs children, or just calling up a lonely friend or relative to say hello. Or even saying hello to a neighbor and asking how it's going.
Helping others can go a long way in making others, and yourself, feel better.
 
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downandout
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12/2/09 2:11 PM
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Gad - thanks for the new explanation of my username. It does sound a lot better


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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gad
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12/2/09 10:46 PM
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You're welcome.

Reaching out, by the way, can have two meanings: reaching out for help, and reaching out to help others (which you do in this forum).

And the second way (reaching out to help others) often ends up helping the helper.

As it says (I think in the Talmud), that when a baal bais gives tzedoko to a poor man, that "more than the baal bais helps the poor man, the poor man helps the baal bais."

So both ways are good.

Hope to hear good news.
 
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gad
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12/2/09 10:52 PM
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Quote

Originally posted by: toy123
Thanx Gad. I actually don't feel/see a purpose in life right now. I'm going through a real low. I use to use the skills no problem but lately it's like I have to push so hard just to use them. And the funny thing is that a part of me really does want to use them and a part of me is just saying screw it.


How's it going now?
 
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killedlastyear
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12/2/09 10:59 PM
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welcome to the site.
i also want to know how it's going now? things any better today?
 
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toy123
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12/2/09 11:16 PM
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Thanx everyone for your support.

It's actually not better. Had an emergency appt with my therapist today, was deciding if should go to hospital or not. (I really don't wanna go back there.) I have another appointment tomorrow so I said let's wait and see how I feel tomorrow. My therapist agreed and we came up with a safety plan. Hopefully things will start to get better although right now I don't feel very hopeful. I'll try to update tomorrow.


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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toy123
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12/6/09 6:32 PM
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Things were a bit better over Shabbos, but today during work I started getting terrible urges and feel like I need to do something NOW!!!!!!! I can't take this cycle anymore........


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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Aba
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12/8/09 12:08 PM
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How are you today, hope it's gotten better.
Kol Tuv,
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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