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TOPIC TITLE: Cutting
Created On 12/21/10 8:04 PM
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toy123
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12/21/10 8:04 PM
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So I ended up cutting today.....

I couldn't hold myself back...... The pain was too unbearable and still is unbearable........

I feel so angry........

Angry at Hashem at the situation and at myself.........

Oh I don't have any more strength left to fight........

Hashem why you doing this to me??????????????


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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Aba
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12/21/10 9:36 PM
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Thinking of you.
Aba


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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downandout
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12/22/10 11:09 AM
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Don't give up on yourself! You may have given in and cut once, but it doesn't mean that you have to do it again. It doesn't mean that you have to go down that path.
And like Aba, I'm also thinking of you. I care. A lot.


-------------------------
I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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Debbi
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12/22/10 9:24 PM
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i'm sorry u cut. i know how much relief u feel though- but remember that good feeling doesnt really last does it?

I started cutting again too, after not cutting for a good 6mths!
But i know its not the answer!
I hope u can stop before u get into too into it.

i'm so sorry for ure flashbacks and pain.
 
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toy123
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12/23/10 7:42 AM
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I'm having such strong urges right now! I just want to cut so deep....... I also want to overdose...... What can I do to make these urges go away??????? I'm feeling sooo hopless..... Help!!!!!!!!


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.

Edited: 12/23/10 at 7:43 AM by toy123
 
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toy123
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12/28/10 9:31 AM
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So I'm in the hospital

Didn't do anything b"h went in before I could do anything.

Am miserable.......

Hopefully I won't have to stay too long


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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downandout
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12/28/10 1:07 PM
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First off, I'm sorry that you're miserable.

But.... I'm glad you got to the hospital before you did anything you shouldn't. And, I glad you're there so that you can be safe, and work on the issues you've been struggling with for the past little while. And while I know you want to get out as soon as possible, try not to rush it up - try to just take it moment by moment and take advantage of your time there to get you to a really safe place. Rushing things up is never helpful.

Keep strong! Thinking of you.

Tons of (((((((hugs))))))))!


-------------------------
I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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mouse
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12/28/10 3:02 PM
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Best of luck. Glad you went in before doing serious damage. Hopefully this will be the last necessary hospitalization and you will find better coping mechanisms while there. Thinking of you.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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toy123
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12/29/10 2:35 PM
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The doctor asked me today to do a behavioral analysis on the cutting incident and while i was doing it I started to feel very depressed sad and anxious. I guess seeing the reality on paper is depressing.

Now I'm feeling very sad and anxious.............


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.

Edited: 12/29/10 at 2:37 PM by toy123
 
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toy123
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12/31/10 1:40 PM
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Still in the hospital they won't let me out cuz I'm still a little suicidal

I really wish I could come out already.......

I'm sick and tired of this place but yet again I'm sick and tired of life.............

The torment is unbearable...........


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.

Edited: 12/31/10 at 1:46 PM by toy123
 
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Aba
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1/2/11 3:03 PM
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Sorry you are "stuck between a rock and a hard place".
I hope things turn around soon.

Kol Tuv.


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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toy123
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1/4/11 9:31 AM
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Still in the hospital.

don't know yet when they're gonna release me........

wanna get outta here.......


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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toy123
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1/6/11 11:05 PM
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So I'm finally home.

got discharged today.

feeling really anxious and scared.

scared to be in the real world and face the challenges and urges.......

scared that I won't succeed in holding my commitment.......

other than that I'm happy that I got discharged today......

I was getting sick and tired of being in the hospital........


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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toy123
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1/9/11 4:32 PM
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I can't anymore!!!! I just CAN'T anymore the urges are way too powerful. I can't take the struggle any longer. The fighting back and forth yes no yes no but I want to but I can't it's getting way to much for me to bear. I just want all these voices to SHUT UP!!!!!! I want peace and quiet for once. My urges are so strong right now. I just wanna go to the pharmacy and buy a bottle of tylenol and od. But I know I can't do that but I want to do that.......... Someone HELP ME!!!!!!


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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downandout
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1/9/11 6:25 PM
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You sound like you're really still struggling a lot. It must be really, really difficult. I know it's helpful to vent over here sometimes, but at a time like this, you should probably talk to somebody in person - somebody who can help you out with more than words and cyberspace hugs. We all care for you a lot - really, really do - but seriously, in such a time of crisis, you MUST talk to a real person, and seek actual help, and figure out a plan of action.

We're rooting for you. Go for it!

(((((((Hugs)))))))


-------------------------
I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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toy123
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1/10/11 9:46 AM
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So things are getting really crazy. I'm waking up with urges and they're not passing.

Downandout thanks for your comment I actually did reach out to the social worker were I live. She didn't help much.

I'm going crazy!!!!! I wanna feel better already and if that's not possible than Hashem please make me die!!!!!!!


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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channafofanna
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1/19/11 4:06 PM
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Please no!!!!!
Cmon, ur in a "safe" place now- (well thats what i feel like it is)
thinkingbt u..
hang in ther
 
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mouse
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1/24/11 5:53 PM
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When you are in a crisis state...that is, in the "need to OD" mode, it is time to get to a live person. This could mean sitting in the ER and not signing yourself in and just sitting till the feeling has passed, this could mean calling Hatzolah, this could mean calling a suicide hotline, friend, relative....but inaction or worse yet acting on the feelings in only counterproductive. In the end, statistically, you are more likely to come out of the OD alive....physically perhaps not ok, but alive. You may then really wish you had done it correctly, but it will be too late as you won't be able to control your life. Is it worth it??? Posting here when you feel so bad, if it helps, continue, if not, get real, live help. Just don't go act on it after you have posted....unfair to us all who are struggling with similar issues. I hope I wasn't too harsh. I just care, worry, and wonder about your safety.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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toy123
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1/26/11 2:56 PM
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Sorry I didn't update you guys but I'm back in the hospital. Friday is gonna be two weeks. I won't be discharged till probably Monday My residence wants some time before I come back. They want it to be a transition - I don't know what that means. But I have a huge problem now I'm happy that my residence is taking me back but I lost complete trust in them. In the girls especially - my roommate did something and she gave me a reason for that but then I found out the real reason was because of me. I feel so betrayed, and like be straight with me...... Whatever have to add it to my pile of problems............

About school I finally agreed to go back but now I'm freaking out how am I gonna make up all the missed work. *sigh* I can't anymore. I'm so scared!!!!!!!!!!!


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.

Edited: 2/1/11 at 4:20 PM by toy123
 
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toy123
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2/2/11 10:53 AM
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I'm having such strong urges to cut now........
I wanna just take that razor and cut.......... (I don't have access to a razor right now)
I'm feeling so overwhelmed I have so many things to do and I don't know which one to do first.......... I'm really stressed out........


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.

Edited: 2/2/11 at 10:56 AM by toy123
 
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mouse
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2/2/11 6:45 PM
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Glad you decided to keep fingers busy by typing rather than cutting....Did it help? I hope so. For me it does sometimes.


-------------------------

All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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toy123
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3/1/11 7:02 PM
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I so want to cut now!!!!!!!!! I have a wedding to go to (a classmates the last one) and I DON'T WANT TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm having such strong urges right now. So many things are happening at once and I can't handle it........ I'm soooooo angry lately and I don't know how to manage my anger. I told the social worker at my residence yesterday that I'm really close to doing something stupid. I have no way of letting my anger out, I've been letting it out on my poor mother and now my parents went to Israel for two weeks so I have noone to talk to........ I'm feeling so down now........ I need something to calm me down and cheer me up.........


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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channafofanna
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4/12/11 2:55 PM
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)))))))))))))))hugs((((((((((((((((((((((
hang in there
 
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smilewithureyes
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4/29/11 12:30 AM
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ur not alone in this i understand wat ur going thru completely. Let us know how u are, and hang in there hun <3


-------------------------
believe
 
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