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TOPIC TITLE: SI- scars <---- dont read if you have probs with that stuff
Created On 5/21/06 2:46 AM
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killedlastyear
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5/21/06 2:46 AM
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k i didnt know where to post this. and although it doesnt have to do with my mental stability it was brought on by this. i cant find anywhere online a question/answer relating to this and when i googled it i got alot of pictures i did NOT want to look at. and none of my friends could help me. anyway. i got/gave myself a burn on my arm a whiiile ago (MONTHS) which has healed by now...BUT has turned into a scar. but burn scars dont heal like other scars they get raised when they heal. so its kinda like a blister-callus kinda thing that itches sometimes. i dont like it being raised. im sorry i didnt it now and regret it and thats all nice but it doesnt help that its stiill there.

my question is:

does anyone know of anything that can help reduce it BESIDES lazer stuff, cuz i dont have that kind of money? or is it too late to do a/thing after its healed?

also. if the answer is it's too late. what happens if i get it cut off? will it heal raised again or will it heal flat? just wondering and i cant ask my parents cuz they'll ask where i got it and like i said i couldnt find a/where to ask it sorry.... if you know where i can ask or post this properly please tell me.
 
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Debbi
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5/25/06 1:09 PM
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Hi,
I am so sorry that you feel self injury helps you in some way.
As far as the scar is concerned; usually burns are grafted, not cut off. So it may involve something more than a "removal", like a wart or something.

Although, sometimes burn scars do become less visible with time.

Do you know why you SI? Does the pain feel good, or is it the scar that gives you comfort? Have you ever told anyone that you engage in this behaviour?

I hear your pain.
Your suffering must be tremendous to hurt yourself in that way.

Please keep on writing here. Expressing your feelings often helps so that perhaps you can talk, instead of SI.

take care
debi

 
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killedlastyear
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5/26/06 12:54 PM
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yeah actualy alot of people know. my mom found out, who i'm sure told my dad (though he never said anything to me before), my psychiatrist and my ex-psychologist both know, alot of my friends know (just cuz its hard to hide that kinda stuff and also i needed to vent to s/o before my mom found out and made me tell my psychiatrist). anyway i've been "clean" for a while now. honestly, i havent even been counting but i'd assume its somewhere over 2 months. yeah, i know why i cut and harm and all that. but i just havent felt the need so much lately and i've been able to control myself more. which is good cuz i was gettin sick of the scars and having to wear long sleaves this whole summer is gonna be a major pain.
 
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Debbi
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5/28/06 9:18 AM
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I'm glad you dont need to keep this a secret. Much harder that way.

Great too that u feel more in control. Speaking from experience when the urge is there, its very hard to control. So good for you!
Do u mind sharing why u do it? sounds like u r aware of it, which is such a huge step, b/c often ppl self harm, and they have no clue as to why.

hope u have a good week.
tc
debi
 
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killedlastyear
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5/31/06 1:21 PM
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Debbi:

i happen to be a very sensitive person. the slightest insulting remark someone says to me i take it and it is a BIG deal to me. my dad tells me i'm being obnoxious at the table? im crushed for the rest of the meal. my friends tell me i'm being to loud at a restraunt and i should quite down? trust me- i dont say a word until we leave. and i go home thinking that i must embaress them every time we go out. who would want me as a friend? who wants me as a daughter? who wants me in their life? thats the kind of stuff going through my head. i start hating myself so much i have nowhere to put this hatred. nobody's punishing me so i feel the need to punish myself. how? hurting myself is perfect punishment.
and its not just me. if peopel are hurting each other and i see it i want to hurt myself. that one i havent quite figured out completely. my father does something that i see is controlling over my mother (he's really not and my mother doesnt mind i know, but I see it that way and i want to hurt myself because it makes me angry).
im bad with dealing with my emotions, i know that. one thing happens and it gets so build up in my head. i'm bad at school, i'm a procrastinator, lazy. i fail a test, and its a big deal, i dont know how to deal with that. my parents will be so mad at me, so angry. i hate myself so much for that. i hurt myself to release those emotions.

i get anxious alot. things build up in my brain to the point i cant take it. it happens alot at night (the reason my psychiatrist gave me meds to sleep) it used to be i couldnt sleep because i had all of these thoughts in my head. things i'd done wrong. how life would never be right. how i'm going to hell when i die. how i'm never going to get married. how my life has no point. i wouldnt want to get into bed because i wouldnt want to be lying there with nothing to do but think, i'd be on my computer itll 5 in the morning just so i'd be doing something to take my mind of of things. then when i'd get into bed the only way i could calm down would be to cut myself. i'd cut, i'd feel peaceful, and then i could sleep. over and over almost every night.

i think i have social anxiety or whatever the medical term for it is. those kind of situations would make me want to cut myself. having to give a speech alone infront of my class still is terrible. i failed a whole college class because i jsut couldnt do it. i walked out and never went back to class. i had a very not understanding teacher who i KNEW would never excuse me because of something like that. so i failed. man that was hard to deal with.

basicly i hurt myself because alot of things. mostly its just the way i could deal with things. i cant talk with my parents. well, really i can, but i dont want to. so the only way to deal with my emotions was to hurt myself. and it worked. every time. afterwards i just felt calm. reasured. it doesnt make sense unless you've been there really. very few who havent done it actualy understand.

i havent in a couple of months now. i actualy havent been counting how long it's been- it wasnt a decision i made that i'd actualy stop. it doesnt have to do with medicine either because i havent taken my depression meds for around a month (i know i have to start again, i always just forget to). i guess.. well i really dont know it was hard at the begining and still now i have to sit there and convince myself i dont need to. that i can just sit through it and it'll be ok. one major thing i use to convince myself that everything is going to be ok is i tell myself that there's always death. that nothing is worse than death. that even if i'm in the most embaressment, even if i get in the most trouble with my parents, theres always worse things that can happen. and i can always escape if things get too bad, i can run away, i can you get the point. the real reason why i stopped was i cant stand the scars. wearing long sleaves during teh summer is the worst.

hehe this was long. and im sure still doesnt explain anything i could prob go on for pages about stuff but i'll spare you having to read all that lol. but maybe. i probably repeated myself a ton, sorry.
 
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Debbi
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5/31/06 4:05 PM
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Hi there,

Thanks for such a detailed explanation. Sounds as though you really have the hang of whats going on with you.
Dealing with emotions, thats the tough part.
Are you currently seeing a therapist? I recall from another post you said that you kept on switching? Are you not liking the therapists? Do you feel that they dont "get it?"
Let me know, perhaps I can help you understand why, and then you can figure out how to find one who will work for you.

Sometimes therapy is a drag, but in the long run, it will help you get beyond all of this crazy stuff, and those mind games, your brain plays on you.

Do your friends know that you cut?
Its not something thats easy to share. Someone who has never experienced it, can rarely comprehend the urges, and then the calmness which descends after the act.
It also scares people, even therapists, which is understandable, although I do think it is becoming a much more common thing for therapists to treat.

Do your parents expect alot from you, or do you think you are expecting alot from yourself?

I thinks its great that you know so much about yourself, how you feel, what causes you to feel overwhelmed etc.
Lots of people dont know these things about themselves, and then it becomes alot harder for them to deal with.

Anyway, I like reading all the things you wrote, you sound intelligent and on the ball!
Please keep on writing, I'll definately keep on reading.

tc
debbi
 
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emptysmile
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6/6/06 11:56 PM
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oh


-------------------------
"life is like a box of chocolates always too many nuts and never enough caramels."

Edited: 6/6/06 at 11:59 PM by emptysmile
 
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killedlastyear
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6/7/06 1:02 AM
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Quote

Originally posted by: Debbi
Hi there,

Thanks for such a detailed explanation. Sounds as though you really have the hang of whats going on with you.
Dealing with emotions, thats the tough part.
Are you currently seeing a therapist? I recall from another post you said that you kept on switching? Are you not liking the therapists? Do you feel that they dont "get it?"
Let me know, perhaps I can help you understand why, and then you can figure out how to find one who will work for you.

Sometimes therapy is a drag, but in the long run, it will help you get beyond all of this crazy stuff, and those mind games, your brain plays on you.

Do your friends know that you cut?
Its not something thats easy to share. Someone who has never experienced it, can rarely comprehend the urges, and then the calmness which descends after the act.
It also scares people, even therapists, which is understandable, although I do think it is becoming a much more common thing for therapists to treat.

Do your parents expect alot from you, or do you think you are expecting alot from yourself?

I thinks its great that you know so much about yourself, how you feel, what causes you to feel overwhelmed etc.
Lots of people dont know these things about themselves, and then it becomes alot harder for them to deal with.

Anyway, I like reading all the things you wrote, you sound intelligent and on the ball!
Please keep on writing, I'll definately keep on reading.

tc
debbi



i'm not seeing a therapist now. i'm just seeing a psychiatrist for meds. *sigh*. i want to see a therapist now but my mother has been so busy and she's the one who needs to find someone for me due to insurance things (which that also has to get sorted out). i predict i wont see anyone for at least a month or two.
i want to try seeing a guy. all of the therapists i've been to so far have been women who i feel uncofortable talking to. ive never liked women teachers or anything much. my past therapists never really talked about my cutting much. she wasnt weirded out about it or anything. i dunno...she'd ask me once in a while if i was cutting and how much but that's all. i guess she was expecting me to ask her questions about it and when i didnt she didnt say anything.

i expect a ton from myself...and therefore i do nothing since i get overwhelmed. i tell myself i'll just shut out and then nothing will matter so it'll be ok. which is what i do too often. my parents is a whole diff issue. i dont like talking or thinking about them. dont take that to mean they're horrible people. they arent. i just see them as a major complication in my life which i cant sort out. i see them as my crutch in getting better. and it'd take hours for me to explain that.

alot of people dont know why they do things because they dont actualy sit down and think about it. they dont do that on purpose because they dont want to. it's tiring and emotionaly stressful. sometimes our minds shut down on us actualy so we CANT think about it.

i think almost all of my friends know that i cut. im not secretive about it. there are a couple of people who i know would get freaked out and weirded out about it so i dont tell, and i dont tell people i've just met either. but since i dont have any family i can talk to about it and i dont talk to therapists about it i did need someone to talk to so i told about all of my friends at some point. they dont cut but they arent judgemental, they all have their own flaws and so i knew they wouldnt think of me being weird or freaky because of it.

how i see it is it's something i did. i mean i dont even know if i've completely stopped, i just happen to have not done it in a lil while. it is (or was) a part of my life. its a coping method. some people do drugs, some people drink, everyone has their coping method. and mine was cutting. if people are freaked out or grossed out i dont care. i dont want or need to deal with them. my parents are the only reason why i hide it and keep it secret. they dont understand at all. they dont understand that mindset either. to them, reputation is everything. i think that's a major reason why we've never gotten along and our views have clashed SO much.
 
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emptysmile
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6/12/06 4:00 PM
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I hate female therapists.. i like the male..they i can talk to.


-------------------------
"life is like a box of chocolates always too many nuts and never enough caramels."
 
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killedlastyear
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Originally posted by: emptysmile
I hate female therapists.. i like the male..they i can talk to.



yay that makes me feel like theres some hope for me i'll find out after i see the next one.
 
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emptysmile
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6/18/06 4:52 PM
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u dont like the female therapists either?


-------------------------
"life is like a box of chocolates always too many nuts and never enough caramels."
 
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Holding on
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8/31/06 11:12 PM
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I'm seeing a female T and B"H things are working out really well.
The first (and B"H only) time I cut myself, it was sooo hard to tell my T. But in the end, I did tell her bec. if I have to hide things from her, that's not going to help me or get me anywhere.
Hatzlacha
 
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rinx
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9/19/06 1:03 PM
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why don't you tell people when your insulted? In pirkay avos it says "lo bashen lumaid" you must speak out! getting hurt and staying quiet has it's times and place-when your on that level but as of now, there's no good that will come out of you not letting ppl who hurt know they are doing something wrong.... what's the worst that will happen? they'll think your crazy? So! Is that worse than injuring yourself?no! It's not worth it!
 
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killedlastyear
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if you're talking to me, i know that's what i should be doing. but i get shy. it's not easy for me to tell people what i'm thinking and feeling. its like i expect people to know because i feel it so strongly. and i know they dont know. but whatever.
 
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Holding on
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I have cut sinse my last post, this time in front of my father. Don't ask what got into me, but whatever it is, I'm trying desperately to stop, b4 I go too far... I've gotten myself through some tough times by telling myself to wait just 15 min. and then if I still have to cut I can. Then I go another 15 min.
This whole thing is just playing mind tricks on yourself, but it's really tough. In the back of your mind you know that you can just cut and feel so much better soo fast...
I did let my T know when I cut. Yeah, she was upset and frightened, but she didn't make me feel like two cents. She was more concerned. Of course after I told her that I SI and about my thoughts of suicide, she now wants me on drugs Not Cool
 
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killedlastyear
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10/11/06 1:39 PM
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holdingon:
i'm sorry that you aren't feeling good i think it's good you told your therapist though. maybe she/he can give you some suggestions on working through it? i'm sorry, i don't know if you've written about this in other post, but are you anti-medication? or do you just think you don't need it? i also told my therapist about when i cut (she'd ask me) but she never really told me what to do about it, she'd just tell me to take meds and i'd feel better. isn't it the psychiatrist that are supposed to tell you that the medications fix things? my psychiatrist would tell me to talk to my therapist about it and ask her for suggestions on how to overcome the urge, yet the therapist wasn't much helpful in giving advice, just in listening to me talk so that's basicly why i stopped going to see her. is your therapist any better in the advice department?

anyway...now some more talking about myself... last night i wanted to cut so badly. i'm so depressed. i owe $35 to a school library for a book i turned in late and i don't have the money to pay for it and they're telling me that on teh 20th it's going to go into my credit report. and i already have sucky credit to begin with i'm thinking about maybe bending and asking my dad for the money i'm just so ashamed because it's so typical me to turn things in late and have to pay the overdue fee and not have money and have to ask my parents. i can already see the look on his face when i ask him...total disapointment. also i need to apply for college in a couple of weeks and my gpa is alot worse than my parents think it is so they think i'm getting in for sure no problem and what they don't know is that due to social phobia i ran out right before giving a speech last semester in a class and was so scared to do it i just never went back to class, therefor failing the class with an actual F (the teacher was mean and i was already embaressed to begin with because of comments she'd made to me and what happened was this girl was giving her presentation and right as she's starting the teacher's like "you have too many sources, you weren't supposed to use that many i'm going to have to take off points for that" she said that to the girl right infront of the whole class. and i hadn't come up with ENOUGH sources and i thought my project was too lame and lacking enough information to it that i freaked and that's why i ran out of the classroom, failing the class). anyway that brought my gpa down to like a 2.5 i think or something like that. yeah right. no college is going to accept me with a 2.5 gpa. i need to think of a plan. as of now i don't know what to do and my laptop battery is about to die anyway. hah i just wrote alot and sorry to be spilling out all my thoughts but i just really needed to write about that somewhere i guess. thanks if anyone read that.
 
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gad
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10/11/06 7:02 PM
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I read it. Hope things get better for you and for Holding on.
 
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aquabelle
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10/12/06 12:47 AM
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ho and kld - have either of u ever tried cbt or dbt? the basic idea is group therapy that teaches u to use ur mind to overcome the urge. i managed to stop cutting b/c i went to both cbt and dbt in addition to seeing my regular therapist. it's tedious to go to therapy every day, but i haven't cut in 11 weeks and i haven't done any other si either. i know how hard it is to not cut b/c cutting just releases e/t right away, but since i've stopped doing it i was actually able to access some of the emotions i've been running from and i've been feeling much better. also, ho, taking meds isn't so bad. i fought it for a long time but they actually help u get through all this and make it easier to sleep and feel less drained.


Edited: 10/12/06 at 12:49 AM by aquabelle
 
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killedlastyear
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i don't really get it though. honestly. why can't we cut? (and im not looking for a "god doesnt want you to, its against the torah answer). it isn't going to kill me (i never do it deep enough). it's not effecting my physical health. it doesn't hurt me. it actualy makes me feel better. when i'm in a huge amount of pain so unbearable and i cut it all goes away pretty much and i feel ok. its a perfect solution and it works. but they (everyone basicly) tell me not to do it. and why? they say because it's not normal. because i'm hurting myself. well i'm not hurting myself, i'm making myself feel better. so i shouldnt do it because other people think its weird? what kind of a reason is that? can someone please for real explain to me why i shouldnt do it and what's so wrong with it. honestly the only reason why i try so hard not to do it is because i'm sick of all the "you're so patheticly emo" nasty remarks from people who think i'm just doing it for attention.
 
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aquabelle
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if you don't want to stop then why make a big deal out of it? if u think there's nothing wrong w/ it why did u tell ppl? i always wantedto stop cutting. i hated it every time i did it and i hate the scars i have. i told very few ppl, only those who i knew could help me stop. and yeah, i thought what's the big deal, but i noticed myself that each cut was getting deeper to give me the relief that a scratch used to give me and i started to like seeing the blood and that scared me b/c i knew if i didn't stop i would start cutting in places that it could kill me. cutting is an addiction just like alcohol - it numbs the pain so u don't have to deal w/ it and it just let's u run. it's a self-destructive coping mechanism that like all the others only makes ur problems worse.
 
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Holding on
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10/16/06 1:29 AM
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Hey everyone,
I hope Yom Tov was ok by everyone. I know that yom tov can be very stressful (at least it is by me a lot of the times, everyone's happy and you just feel rotten...), but B"H it was nice. I survived!

KLY, yes I'm anti-meds. Don't ask me why 'cuz I haven't figured it out completely myself, but maybe it has to do w/ the fact that at one point my mother couldn't get thru the day w/o pain meds, (long story). Or maybe I'm afraid of becoming dependent. Or afraid of the side effects. Or maybe I'm considering that I want to get married one day and I dont have to tell you what the shidduch world thinks of ppl. on meds. Whatever it is, I'm not too excited about the idea. Not in the least bit. (my parents aren't thrilled about the idea either).
My T hasn't really suggested anything in regards to my SI (except that I should stop b4 I go too far...!) nor have I asked her. I went online myself to find things that might help me stop. Just type in 'stopping SI' and you get a good couple of listings of different helpful sights. Ultimately, its up to me to stop though.
KLY, I read your post and I'm sorry that you're going thru a rough patch now, but please keep in mind that it will pass. And this is what this forum is here for, so please feel free to keep posting your thoughts, concerns, ideas... We are always here and listening.

Aquabelle, I've never tried either of those (cbt or dbt), but I've been playing a lot of mind tricks on myself to try and not cut... (Wait 15 minutes... you can hold out another 10 minutes...) But as you said, it's tough. Can you please pm me w/ more info on cbt dbt? Also, I know meds can help ppl. but I'm still not convinced. You can try to convince me, but... good luck! (;

Thank you
 
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killedlastyear
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Holding on, i totaly respect your no-meds aproach to things. I'm not interested in dating the shiduch way so I have no idea the exact complications medications add to that, but from stories i kind of get the picture. The only thing that i can say is that if you ever get to the point where it's a choice between trying out medications or suicide (or severe severe depression) i think you should start looking into medications because living and having trouble with the shidduchim i think is a better choice then not living or living a sad sad life. other than that, i don't know enough about medications and the complications they cause to want to or be able to convince you either way.

aquabelle, as for stopping cutting the only reason why i wanted to quit was because family and friends and therapists push me to do so. they get freaked out and upset at me when i do it. i'm just confused if they want me to quit because they think quitting will be better for ME or if they want me to quit for them because they are too grossed out by it. i only told people about it because they saw it. i didn't see the point in hiding something that eventualy my close friends were going to find anyway and then a bigger deal would be made of it because i'd been hiding it. and my parents found out because my sleave went up once and my mom was like whats on your arm... and thats how my psychiatrist found out because she said either you tell him or i will.
blah blah blah. i guess i get your point. i might as well keep on doing it if thats what helps me. i shouldnt make a big deal about quitting if i don't even really want to.

btw a tip for people who are trying to quit. try painting your nails (if you're a girl). it takes a bit of time to do, especialy if you do a few layers and if you're doing your fingers it's hard to do anything else while they're drying since you don't want to mess them up so you'll hold back from cutting for at least that long and during the whole process try convincing yourself you don't need to cut.
 
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Holding on
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10/16/06 11:13 PM
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KLY, interesting idea - nail polish.
I totally understand where you're at right now, not knowing if you really want to stop, bec. I've been there too. My parents (at least my mother) was on my back that I should stop... but I'm thinking to myself, If this makes me feel better, why on earth should I stop? But the truth is that, yes, it makes you feel better for the moment, but the reason you got to the point of wanting to SI in the first place is still there. SI-ing doesn't make that go away. The only way around the problem is thru it. Yes, it's uncomfortable, and many mixed emotions will come up, and if it involves other ppl. it'll be difficult to discuss these things w/ them..., but once that is taken care of, you'll learn how to work out your problems/emotions so you don't feel the need to SI every time things get stressful... If you keep ignoring things, eventually everything just piles up. Some things can be ignored for now, but other things will come back to bother you later if left unresolved... Anyway, do you really want to go on living your life hiding or explaining your scars (after all, as many SI-ing ppl. have found out, it's not a very accepted way of doing things), giving yourself scars and not letting yourself feel any emotions - that's what I found, that when I SI, I don't feel any emotions. I can't accept anyones love or anything else. I just block everything out.
Hey, just my opinion.
ps - please don't take any of this personally. I'm still struggling w/ SI myself, on a daily basis at times, so just thinkin aloud...


Edited: 10/16/06 at 11:16 PM by Holding on
 
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killedlastyear
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its just annoying how it's ok to do drugs but not to cut. i know a good number of people that i've been close friends with who do drugs alot; pot, shrooms, all that and that's accepted alot. thats their escape. and personaly i think its worse than cutting. but that's ok, but cutting isnt.

i guess you're right about talking about things, it's just i'd rather die then discuss some of the things that are bothering me. and since cutting is better than dying i chose the cutting.

but another thing that sometimes is just as good is writing with sharpies on my arms and stuff. it sounds dumb but that also sometimes works.
 
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aquabelle
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10/17/06 11:43 AM
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kld - just to set the record straight, doing drugs isn't ok either. neither is drinking or any other si behavior. drugs r just easier to hide than scars. i totally relate 2 rather dying than talking abt stuff. also experiencing those emotions sucks. but ever since i let myself feel just once in the pst few wks, and i mean really feel the painful emotions, i have felt hopeful and on top of the world that i am going to beat all this stuff and i'll survive. i know it's really really hard not to si, every once in a while i still feel like cutting, but when i hold out and don't do it i feel better in the long run. ur the only one who can choose to stop though. no one else can make u or do it for u. others can bug u 2 stop, tell u how bad it is, or even hospitalize u if u cut urself badly enough, but only u can stop. no one can stop u if u don't want 2 b stopped. it's kind of like suicide - no one can stop u if u really want 2 do it, but most ppl want 2 b stopped. also, the sharpies thing isn't weird, as a matter of fact, all the si support things say to do s/t like that or hold ice in ur hand or s/t else like that, just not to cut.

ho - what's it like 4 u when u let urself feel and go through the painful stuff?
 
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Holding on
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10/17/06 12:32 PM
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It's hard and more often than not it sucks, but when you do get thru it, afterwards you can go on living. What kind of life is it if you have to keep pushing away your emotions? I feel relieved after, but making that decision to go ahead and talk, that's the hard part, bec. it's so much easier to just cut and feel instantly better, instead of going thru with talking. In a weird way, it even feels good to talk (aside for the fact that after things are so much easier) bec. you actually feel emotions. I don't know if its like that w/ everyone else also, but i could go for weeks not letting myself feel any emotion, just to block out the painful/hard emotions. To be able to accept someone elses love.. it feels gr8.
 
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aquabelle
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10/17/06 11:29 PM
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well, life is less painful if ur not feeling. the hardest part is that i've spent so long w/ my emotions completely turned offand blcoked out that when i experience them now it's so overwhelmingly powerful that i have a strong physical reaction - i start shivering and shaking. not so good and really scary. that's where the si comes in - it kept all those feelings under control, or so i thought, until i realized that the si was controlling me and i couldn't stop it.
 
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Holding on
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10/19/06 8:00 AM
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Life sure is less painful if you don't feel emotions, but then again, that's what cutting does - it numbs you. Now that I'm trying to control myself, I'm having such 'intense emotions' (as my T put it) that she thinks we would be able to accomplish more by our sessions if I was taking something, (so we can figure out how to help me rather than just discuss the 'intense emotions'). Hey, but w/ emotions, I also get to feel appreciated and loved (on occasion! )
It's really good that you were able to realize that SI was controling you. A good friend of mine who SI's is in denial/doesn't want to stop. I've spoken to her, but I'm not sure what else I can tell her if she just doesn't want to stop. It has to be her decision.

Hatzlacha and keep up the great work!



Edited: 10/30/06 at 11:43 AM by Holding on
 
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aquabelle
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10/19/06 10:29 AM
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i thought meds would make me not feel a/t and feel really drugged up but they don't (at least not if u have a good shrink who wants u 2 b on the least amount of meds as possible). they really do just take the edge off things and make u b able 2 talk abt really hard stuff. ur therapist sounds like mine when she was convincing me meds rn't so bad and if i have 2 put less effort into feeling ok, i'll b able 2 put more effort into dealing w/ stuff. cutting made me more numb than meds b/c i can still feel on meds where w/ cutting it made all emotions stop.

abt ur friend who si's, as hard as it is, there is nothing u can do. if she doesn't want to stop, there's nothing a/o can do. sometimes it takes ppl 3 or 4 or more hospitalizations to realize what they r doing and stop or at least want to stop. besides, it sounds like u have enough on ur plate in taking care of urself right now. maybe ur success at stopping si and dealing w/ pain in healthy manners and having good coping skills will encourage her to do the same.
 
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Holding on
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10/30/06 11:52 AM
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I'm seeing my T tomorrow and I think I'm going to ask her for the pdoc's number. I'm ready for meds only bec. I can't go on living like this. But I'm still not happy about it and am as scared as anything. (I want to get married someday). I get myself sick just thinking about it. But the pain is too much... I can't go on like this....
I don't even know if I'm in the right state of mind to be making such a huge decision, bec. my judgement is clouded by my misery... HEEEELLLLP!!! I'm losing it!
My parents still don't want me to go on meds, but I'm the one suffering...

I'm so confused, scared, alone and desperate...

Suggestions, anyone?
 
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aquabelle
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10/30/06 1:00 PM
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i'm sorry ur stuck in such a yucky place. i know the feeling. going on meds and getting married have nothing to do w/ each other. i'm believing my therapist on this one, that the right guy won't care. also, a really good friend of mine has/had depression for years and was on meds and she is happily married w/ a baby and her husband didn't care that she was on meds. i know it's really scary, but give the meds a try. meds do make a dif, they help u sleep better and just make u feel less lousy. They don't take away the pain, but they make the pain seem managable. really give it a try. most ppl r not on meds for life and it is temporary to just help them through the situation. i know it's really hard, and being in pain is the worst feeling, but u should definitely give the meds a try, or at least make an appt to go to a psychiatrist. hang in there, k?
 
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killedlastyear
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10/30/06 1:40 PM
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i think you should think about that fact that if they guy wont accept marrying a girl who's on meds, how will he accept other things that will come up in the future? i really stress that you want a guy who is accepting of this kind of stuff.
 
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Holding on
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10/31/06 11:05 AM
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Aquabelle and KLY - Thanks for your support. I'm really nervous, but I think I'm going to do it anyway. I haven't got much of a choice anymore, can't continue this way. About getting married, I try convincing myself that there is someone out there for me and he will accept me for who I am, not what I'm going thru, 'cuz that's all it really is. I am not my medication! (Why do I sound so convincing when it comes to someone else?!) Besides, the way I am now, can't get married, so try and fix it up, do my part and leave the rest up to Hashem. (If I could only convince myself...)
Thanks again for everything! I'll try and keep you updated, BL"N.
Be well
 
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killedlastyear
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11/1/06 12:42 AM
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please do keep us updated! i care about you and hope you're able to feel better!
 
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Holding on
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11/6/06 12:20 AM
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I was a chicken. I went into therapy convinced I was going to ask for the number. Then we started discussing something, which just so happened was also important, but I let myself get distracted by what we were discussing and didn't bring up what I intended on. Why do I do this to myself? Now I'm just making myslef all nervous again for next session (on Tue.), where I hope to bring up what is on my mind. I let myself down...

anyway, I was wondering if anyone else ever experienced what happened to me: I argued w/ my sister, (w/ whom I used to be super close w/) and it really hurt me bec. a certain trust (that I can tell her whatever I'm feeling and she won't judge it, kind of trust) was broken. I don't even know if she realized how it affected me, or how I changed - it's hard to talk to her now, bec. I don't want to get into anything involving my thoughts/feelings, so I'm stepping on eggshells - avoiding it... (this is what Iwas wondering about -> ) When I hung up the phone w/ her, I was soooo hurt that although I've been doing a very good job controling my SI-ing impulses, I was convinced I was going to do it - no matter what. Then I remebered that I sort of promised my T I would call her if I ever thought I was on the verge of hurting myself again, so I picked up the phone and was going to call her, but something stopped me.
I knew that nothing she would say would stop me then, but there was also something else.
I somehow knew that if I dared pick up a knife right then, that I would end up in the hospital. I knew that this time, I wouldn't be able to control how deep I went... It was really scary realizing that I would have no control whatsoever.
It was exahsting fighting myself that time, but B"H I got thru the night W/O Cutting !!!
I was in a really desperate place, but I was still able to reason w/ myself... know that I had to draw the line.

It's confusing, bec. other times when I was 'less desperate' I did cut, but now in my most desperate time, I controled myself. B"H I did - I'm not complaining, but just at a loss to understand myself. Maybe when I share it w/ my T I'll get some insight...

Did anyone ever have such an experience?
Am I even making sense? Do you follow?
 
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aquabelle
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11/6/06 1:32 PM
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ok, here goes. first of all, i understand. i s/t go into therapy convinced i'm gonna bring s/t up and then i don't and i just sit w/ it awhile and get annoyed that i can't just b like, ok, here's the deal to my therapist. second of all, i have i experienced the trust breaking thing also. w/ many ppl. who promised to help me and care abt me and just did things that didn't help and made things worse for me. trust is a major issue for me so i understand what it feels like. third of all, and this is the rough part and sorry for being harsh, PLEASE go to the ER next time u feel like that. This time u might have been able to control urself, but what abt next time? going to the er doesn't mean ur crazy or messed up, it just means u need help. and they can give it to u. there's nothing wrong w/ asking for help. i feel ur pain and understand what it's like. so i'm kind of begging u to please take care of urself and either take urself to the ER or have ur parents take u or have a friend that u trust take u. it's really important and it's the right response when u feel like that. if ur feeling that awful (and yes, i know what it's like), u need to go to the ER and it is chicken of e/o else not to take u. please take care of urself and keep us posted.
 
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killedlastyear
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11/6/06 8:04 PM
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holding on, wow i'm so proud of you! seriously, that's really impressive. it shows you have it in you to quit. it sounds like this time you controlled yourself because you knew just how bad it could be. and the other times you were pretty sure you were in control and it wouldn't be so severe you'd end up in the hospital. but since you were scared of endangering your life you were able to resist doing it. does that make sense?
 
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Holding on
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11/6/06 11:06 PM
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Aquabelle and KLY - first, thanks for responding. I felt like I was the only one going thru these crazy thoughts...

Trust is a major issue for me too. I'm always thinking how grateful I am to my friends for putting up w/ me until I felt comfortable... It sometimes even annoys me, like why can't I just tell her about...

Hey, it's ok that you're being 'harsh' because that's exactly what my T is going to tell me when I tell her about it. She's also probably going to be very upset that I didn't call her, but I couldn't talk right then - I was just trying to figure out what went wrong, and it was draining enough trying to explain/understand it myself w/o having to try and explain what was going on to someone else. Besides, I sort of knew I wasn't going to cut or else I'm not sure where I would have ended up. She's going to be really upset w/ me. And she's going to ask me the same question - what about next time? And the truth is, I ask myself that too. And I don't have any answers.
btw, I'm not very good at asking for or accepting help.

Has anyone ever walked into the ER when they felt desperate? What kind of reaction did you get?

It makes perfect sense, KLY. At least I can sort of put a reasoning to why I was able to do it now...

Thanks again
 
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aquabelle
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11/7/06 1:29 PM
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when u go to the ER they take care of u. tell them u need a psych evalutation, that u cut and ur scared ur really going to hurt urself. they'll take care of u - they'll send the crisis counselor in to talk to u and also the psych intern. most likely u'll b hospitalized, though not necessarily. the hospital is a safe place that can help u get through the really bad times. it's a safety net. and i know how hard it is to call ur therapist at those horrible times, but that's what she's there for and next time call her and u don't even have to talk, just tell her ur scared ur really going to hurt urself and u don't want to talk abt it.
 
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Holding on
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11/7/06 5:32 PM
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All I need is to be hospitalized! Then, I'll get so many shidduchim offers, I won't know where to start!
Besides, when they send in the 'crisis counselor' I'll feel like the worlds biggest idiot. I was supprised that it took me quite fast to become comfortable w/ my T, but usually I don't just open up like that to ppl. - (remember my trust issue) I feel like when I talk to ppl. about my inermost feelings, I'm sort of putting myself on the line... I don't know if it makes sense, but that's how I am. Growing up, I was put down a lot for my opinions and feelings, so that's why I get that feeling, I think.
But putting all that aside, if I ever feel so awful again, it's a matter of someone having to drive me there after I cut or me getting myself there b4 I cut, it only makes sense to do the second choice.
And you're right about my T too, - she would totally be there and be able to help me out...
It's all so logical now...

Anyway, I better run - I'm going to see her now, and honestly I'm a little scared of how angry she'll become... Oh well, face up to your actions as they say...

Wish me luck!! I'll keep you posted, BL"N
 
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killedlastyear
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11/7/06 9:20 PM
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you're lucky your therapist cares. mine didnt. each session she'd ask me if i cut and when i said yeah she'd just ask why and i'd say cuz i was upset and she'd ask why i was upset and sometimes i'd tell her and sometimes i wouldnt. i honestly don't remember her ever telling me not to cut or asking me how deap i cut. i know i never once showed her my arms or anything. you're lucky. it sounds like yours cares about you. hope you appreciate that
hope your session goes well!!!!!!
 
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Holding on
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11/7/06 10:13 PM
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Ok, I went, and guess what? I survived!! First we were discussing something else and when we finished w/ that, it sort of became quiet - she sensed I wanted to say something, and I figured it was now or never, so I went ahead and brought it up. And she wasn't even mad that I didn't call her. She was more interested in what was going on for me... Anyway, it was good to get it out.

KLY, I'm sorry to hear your T doesn't seem to be concerned about your cutting. Or maybe she's not sure if talking about it will only worsen it... I don't know. It sounds like you want her to care more about it. Why don't you just be honest w/ her and tell her what you feel? (I kow it would be hard, but hey, so is so much of what you tell her. Or at least it is by me).
My T did ask to see my see my cuts, but I hated it, bec. I can't stand showing them to anyone. Even when my mother wanted to see them, I just couldn't. I definately appreciated her concern and do now, that much more.

Be well
 
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aquabelle
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11/7/06 11:00 PM
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first of all, good 4 u that u told ur T! i always think that i have to keep my T up 2 date on e/t b/c if she doesn't have all the facts, how can she help me? now, back to the hospital stuff - first of all, no one knows that u were hospitalized except the ppl u tell. second of all, it has no impact on shidduch offers (i know from experience). it's all very private and no one knows abt it and when u get into a very serious relationship u use the guidance of ur Rav and T to tell whatever needs to b told. otherwise, no one needs to know b/c it's none of their business. next, the crisis counselor just evaluates whether ur in immediate danger or whether u r safe and can go home. it's not like a therapy session, more like an evaluation. seriously, consider it this way - is it better that u have shidduch worries or that ur alive? might sound drastic, but it's real. u can die from cutting if u cut 2 deep and don't get help. it seems like a really big deal when u have 2 b hospitalized, but a few mths down the road it doesn't seem like such a big deal anymore and u have real perspective on how helpful it was. at least go to a psychiatrist and get a meds evaluation.
 
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killedlastyear
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11/8/06 12:14 AM
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hehe it's been months since i stopped going to my therapist.

now i'm just seein my psychiatrst like every other month to fill up on drug perscriptions.
 
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Holding on
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11/8/06 1:42 PM
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Aquabelle,
that's what I always tell myself when it's hard to bring up a certain topic... if she doesn't know what's going on, she can't really help.
I know I've got to take care of myself and stop thinking about what everyone else might think... but it's hard. And in regards to the hospital - for some odd reason, things have a way of getting out (even if it's none of their business). And if it has no impact on shidduchim offers, you must be an exceptional person, bec. from what I hear, ppl. being turned down for a lot sillier reasons. I'm not that perfect and can't 'afford' to have something else 'on my record' so to speak.
And I'd still feel like an idiot, having to speek to a crisis counselor. I take pride in my being ale to control myself/handle myself pretty well in tough situations, so speeking to a counselor would be like a slap in the face. But maybe if I come to such a point again, maybe, that's exactly what i need/deserve. (sigh)
And I'll take your word for it that a few months later it's not such a big deal anymore. You sound like a very reasonable/logical person. I appreciate your input.

KLY,
I'm sorry - I'm a little lost where everyone is upto todays days- (if their seeing someone, on meds...) Sorry, my bad.
Just out of curiosity, (if you don't mind) what made you stop going?
Thanks.
be well
 
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killedlastyear
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11/8/06 4:00 PM
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oh i stopped going because she wasn't helping me. i'd tell her stuff and she'd just listen. which i'm sure is what some people need. but i need someone who will tell me what to do. and i'm too shy to ask for help. so i need someone who can understand i'm not going to ask for help but will be there to tell me what i need to do. not someone who will listen and not say anything cuz they're scared of how i'll react. my psychiatrist is like that, he's up front about stuff, but he's just there to give me meds. so thats why i stopped going to my therapist.

and now i'm not going to someone new because my mom says that since i'm not putting forth the effort to change it's not worth her money for me to go to see someone new. but the whole point is right now i'm too depressed to change or w/e. and i need the therapist to tell me to get off my lazy ***** and get everything fixed up. fuuuuuun.

i needa run off to class now and i'm praying our test wasn't last week because if it was i'm totaly screwed. i've been skipping classes so much lately its horrible.


Edited: 11/9/06 at 4:05 PM by FrumSupport Moderator
 
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aquabelle
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11/15/06 6:27 PM
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hey, i went through 5 therapists before i found one that worked for me. it's ok that ur T didn't work for you, but i having found the right T for me has made all the dif. maybe give it a try w/ s/o else and keep trying till u find the right person. it's like a shidduch/boyfriend, u gotta sometimes go through a lot of guys b4 u find the right one.
 
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Holding on
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11/16/06 12:36 AM
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I've got to hand it to you for going thru so many and sticking w/ it until you found someone you 'clicked' w/! I'm lucky that I felt comfortable w/ the first one I saw, bec. I don't think I would have the strength to start over w/ someone else. It's soo exhausting, draining...
I finaly got the number for a pdoc. (I could have asked for it a while ago, but didn't. Now my T asked me what's going on w/ it and she gave me the number). Now I have to gather the courage to pick up the phone and make an appointment.
Can anyone tell me what it's like the first time seeing a pdoc? I'm real nervous...
 
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aquabelle
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11/16/06 12:13 PM
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it's just like seeing a therapist for a first time. they just want to know ur symptoms and figure out if anti-depressants or anti-anxiety or a combination of meds will work best for u.
 
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Holding on
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11/16/06 6:13 PM
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Thanks Aquabelle. Not that I was any more comfortable w/ seeing my T the first time either, but if I go see a pdoc, it doesn't mean that I must take meds, right? so I guess I should just make that call... I'm a coward.
 
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