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TOPIC TITLE: SI- scars <---- dont read if you have probs with that stuff
Created On 5/21/06 2:46 AM
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killedlastyear
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11/20/06 8:15 AM
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yay. my mom's letting me get a therapist. she's giving me two names and phone numbers so i'm going to call this afternoon. i'm so freaked out to go and have to talk to someone; but i really want to. mixed feelings basicly.
 
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Holding on
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11/21/06 12:40 PM
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Good for you, KLY. I hope it works out. Keep us updated.

I haven't called a pdoc. I wanted to and even told my parents that I was going to call, but they said I don't need one. They don't think I need a T for that matter either. MY father is convinced that if I would just change my attitude... I would be fine. He says I don't need to be seeing my T. I just need to get a grip of things and settle down in a regular schedule. (Guess he forgot that I was just as depressed when I was in school and had a schedule!)
I'm hurt.
I thought he was finally getting an understanding of what was going on, that I was hurting and had some issues I had to work out. But I guess I was wrong. I thought that after my parents came down to my T w/ me and we sat there for close to two hours talking about what was going on for me, I thought they would understand. Those sessions when they came w/ me were sooo difficult for me. Soo painful to go back and talk about the past, bringing everything up again, being so honest about everything.
And after the sessions, I continued being honest w/ them, sharing my feelings, making myself feel vulnerable by putting everything out there, all bec. of the hope I clung onto - that they would understand me and what I'm going thru. But I guess that is all that it was - A hope, a dream for understanding.
I should give it up. I don't know why i bother to continue trying, if it's all a one man effort. They dont understand me, and I should learn to accept it. Learn to accept it as their limitation.
But I can't. I've put so much into all this to just accept that they will never 'get' what I'm going thru.

I haven't cut in a really long time. I thought I had it under control, but I'm really tempted right now. It's an urge I thought I've put behind me, but is consuming me now.
Guess I was wrong about that too.

Hurting real bad,
H.O.
 
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gad
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11/22/06 12:16 AM
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With relatives there can be a mental block. We love and respect them, but, as you write, we accept their limitation.

Maybe eventually they will understand. It's sad, but I don't think that it needs to be an obstacle for you. Perhaps you can try telling yourself that if they don't understand, that's their problem; and that you intend to rely on your own judgement and your therapist's judgement. By forging ahead and getting yourself the proper care, you enable yourself to recover.

Hope to hear good news soon.



Edited: 11/22/06 at 12:17 AM by gad
 
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killedlastyear
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11/22/06 11:08 PM
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i havent called the therapists yet to make an apointment or anything. i'm too shy i guess. also theres no point cuz of the holidays i might as well call after thanksgiving. i'll just go to whichever one has the closest available open spot.
 
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Holding on
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12/13/06 11:10 PM
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Why is it that I enjoy seeing my scars even though I am working really hard at, (and succeeding, B"H) at not cutting? When they started getting lighter, fading a bit, I was really tempted to cut over them to make sure they wouldn't fade.
I hate showing them to anyone else, yet I enjoy seeing them.
WHY?
Does anyone else experience this? or is it just me

Would appreciate any input.
Thanks,
H.O.

 
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killedlastyear
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12/14/06 4:33 PM
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i also like seeing my scars. sometimes i pull up my sleeves when i'm alone just to look at them. other times i get really mad cuz i have to wear long sleaves cuz of them but sometimes i just like to look at them.
haha are we freaks?
 
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aquabelle
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12/14/06 10:24 PM
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i'm the opposite. i hate seeing my scars and i wish they would disappear. they r getting better - less red, less raised, but they r still very visible and i can't stand them. i wish they were eraseable. i'm ashamed of them and wish i didn't do it to myself.
 
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Holding on
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12/14/06 11:13 PM
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If someone were to see them and start asking, I would probably be very emabarrased , but I still enjoy looking at them. I pull up my sleeve too, just to see them. I don't know what I'll do in the summer though, bec. I'm a lifeguard. Maybe I just will be doing something else this summer.
Do I for some odd reason need reasurance that they are still there? It doesn't seem to make any sense. Maybe I'll ask my T.

Aquabelle - I also wish I didn't do it to myself, just bec. it's so hard to control myself now that I have started. And I know it just covers up the pain. Pain that I should be working thru instead of masking and making myself numb.

It's all so confusing.

KLY - I definately Feel like a freak
 
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ytal
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12/25/06 11:46 PM
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aquabelle: u said somthing about DBT do u konow any group in NY or terepist, maybe in yidish
 
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killedlastyear
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1/16/07 12:04 AM
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i've been doing it almost every night recently. it's starting to become an addiction again. it just feels so good. and i, sickly, enjoy how the cuts look so much. i love looking at my arms in the mirrors. i don't let anyone else see them anymore. unlike the past times i cut this time i've told no one. as far as people know i've quit. i cut and cut and cut and its still not enough. i could prob cut a thousand cuts on my body and it still wouldnt be enough. other times i'd cut and then i'd feel a sense of relief. it isnt happening now. its like i just want more and more and more. its weird.
 
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RNRebbitzin
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1/16/07 1:09 PM
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K,
I understand that life is painful for you at this time, but as I'm sure you are aware of cutting is not the solution, you need to speak to your Psych Dr. and therapist and find more acceptable ways of coping with your pain. Perhaps you should try a DPT program. It is specifically targeted for people who SI ,and have other distructive behaviors. You are a worthy person , there is no reason that you should suffer alone. Please tell someone. It can be helped if you just tell your Drs.
Wishing you only the best in life, Hatzlocha Rabba!!!


-------------------------
RNRebbitzin
 
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Debbi
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1/17/07 9:16 AM
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i'm doing the same thing. The more I cut, the deeper I have to go the next time.
I feel sad that this is what we are doing to our bodies, but at the same time its a relief from the mental anguish I suffer.

wondering where it will all end.
D.
 
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ernie55B
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1/18/07 3:04 PM
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Debbi,

I'm sorry to read that you are feeling so down again. I figured as much, being that you haven't written anything recently.

Of course you have to cut deeper each time; it is like any other addiction that you need more and more of to get the
same 'high'.
It is HARD, but I know first hand it can be stopped.
I am sure you know where it will all end if you don't; either a hospital or a cemetery C"V.

I don't know you personally, but I do know there are people who love you and are counting on you
to be there for them.

There is no choice Debbi. You have to stop for them.

As always, I wish you a refuas hanefesh and I am confident that you will receive this message in the spirit
it is meant in. Caring only.

Ernie
 
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Debbi
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1/18/07 4:38 PM
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thanks for your response ernie,
yes i am out of things.
actually will probably go inpatient for a bit.
This depression is lasting too long for my therapist to handle, and i will have to endure a med change, which i hate b/c of the side effects.
yes, i think that probably the cutting is an addiction, one that I have used since i was 5 years old. Lately its been increasing in frequency, and severity, which are not good signs at all.
sigh. its really hard just to get thru the days, and cutting gives me a high. ugh. how sad is that.

anyway hope u r doing well, u sound as tho u are. Good for you!! i'm really really glad. Keep it up! and enjoy.

D.
 
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ernie55B
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1/19/07 9:16 AM
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Hi Debbi,

What can I say? I'm so sorry that your situation has gotton to this point again.
Hopefully you will come out of the hospital feeling much better.
WE NEED YOU HERE TOO, YOU KNOW!!!!!

In the meantime, please try to have a good Shabbos!

Ernie
 
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Debbi
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1/21/07 1:56 AM
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so i'll be gone for a bit, hopefully be bk feeling better.
thanks for your vote of confidence.
be well.
d.
 
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Belly
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1/21/07 2:09 AM
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Debbi
I'll be thinking of you and davening for you! I'm sure you will come back and feel much better!
Believe in yourself! YOu are a great person! (I know how hard this is when you are down, but you will get back to feeling this way when you feel better!)
Hugs Belly
 
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killedlastyear
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1/21/07 3:37 AM
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Deb, i hope everything goes well. best of luck to you. if i prayed i'd do it for you, but i always feel stupid praying, so just know i'll have you in my thoughts.
 
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avious101
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2/24/07 8:11 PM
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cocoa butter works if you put it on for a while every day it worked with all my scarrs and now my body looks almost normal
 
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killedlastyear
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3/27/07 12:24 PM
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It's so warm out today and i want short sleaves so badly!!!!!! I don't know how I'm going to survive the summer!!!!!
last summer I basicly only cut on my upper and mid arm so i was still able to wear 3/4 sleaves and by the end of the summer my scars had gotten so light i was even able to wear short sleaves. but i have some really bad ones this season and they arent going away anyyy time soon.
 
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Holding on
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4/5/07 12:52 AM
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i know the feeling...

Just b4 Yom Tov, my niece asked me what the red X on my hand is...
Now what am I supposed to tell her?
 
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kent76
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5/11/07 10:25 AM
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To 'KilledLastYear'

Just wanted to say that I can identify with all this that you have written here.

You obviously have a sensitive soul...the only problem is the world is not refined but we
are surrounded with coarseness and unpleasantness. This as I see it leads to
folks not being tuned in to the sensitive souls like you (or me)

While I dont self harm as such, I do do self destructive stuff like waste time & potential and I used to use alchohol as a way of punishing myself...ie...get to drunk and forget about things.

Is it true to say that self harm is also a way of forgeting stuff? Whenever I have been injured or cut accidently, all my focus is on sorting that out. Stop the bleeding, wash and dress the wound, and then have a cup of tea or something to calm down. During this time all my problems were put into the background by the immediacy of the pain and sorting out the wound. It was a form of vacation from my mind.

The answer is to find something constructive that provides release from ones own mind...takes away the pain of being alone with ones mind. Just like you, a small event or word becomes magnified in my own mind and sets off a train of negative, depressing, self-destructive thoughts.

I am lazy too...but have come to realise its not due to being inherently lazy but to lack of confidence in my own abilities. The bottom line is my cv is a mess, but when I have been in work or busy with stuff life is far better.

My suggestion for you if you dont mind, is get as busy as you can. Work hard, play hard (in a kosher way of course). Find a hobby and a job that demands continuous concentration and attention and or interaction with people. Before you find yourself in a situation of wanting to self harm, why not try a positive release...find something that excites you...and captures you full attention.

For me I get a real kick out of boating...in any form. Or going trekking or horseriding or flying a kyte or playing sports or swimming. Just try different stuff. Dont limit yourself to girly stuff either...get a bike, go off road.

Hope you find some of the above of use.



Edited: 5/11/07 at 10:27 AM by kent76
 
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