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TOPIC TITLE: BPD and belonging
Created On 6/4/13 6:54 PM
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star
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6/4/13 6:54 PM
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i finally realized why i was being misunderstood. because if you dont have borderline personality disorder you cannot possibly understand my pain. so now i will post here because here are people who can understand how sensitive i am and how each word is so potentially hurtful and needs to be thought out, because if you truly have bpd, you simply know what it feels like to have no skin and to feel on fire.
so thank you in advance for having me here and letting me belong.
a video i found to be incredibly validating:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYMlgNoiilc&feature=fvwp&NR=1


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there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
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getMeOutOfHere
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6/4/13 8:32 PM
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Very powerful!
 
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star
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6/4/13 10:07 PM
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thank you for opening my eyes to these videos. They can really help others understand more. My mom says she sees me differently now. Also knowing that other people act and feel the same way helps me stop blaming myself as it's not my fault. Thank you for showing me that. I hope we can keep this forum active. I realize now that depression alone or when it's combined with bpd are entirely different levels. I hope noones feelings get hurt here.


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star
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6/6/13 6:16 PM
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question: do you think if i label myself as bpd, ill start acting more bpd? is that possible? if it is then it seems like its my fault.


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getMeOutOfHere
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6/6/13 8:09 PM
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Usually when someone is diagnosed with BPD and starts reading about the disorder, they're usually relieved to see that the craziness they have been experiencing has a name, a treatment method, and they are not the only one experiencing these symptoms. There can be a sense of feeling validated and more comfortable with the disordered actions. With the diagnosis comes the risk of acting more borderline, but I don't know how big the risk is and I don't think it's intentional.

What are you thinking is your fault??

 
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star
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6/6/13 8:49 PM
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i guess if it was intentional it would be my fault? like the kid you call mean and then he lives up to his title?


Everything could be my fault. last night i was supposed to go to a wedding in ny. the night before i hadnt slept well becuz i started serequol which gave me nightmares. so i was having shivers and sweating, it was horrible. i was sitting all dressed up to go but i called my sister who would be at the wedding and asked if she could walk me home to her apartment in ny if i was feeling sick. she told me no, albeit nicely. i got hysterical,
texted her how much hell she put me thru of feeling unwanted and rejected, had my mom text her, (this is after showing her the bpd video so she knew how much rejection hurts for bpd'ers.) then when my friend came to pick me up i said im not feeling well which was true emotionally and physically. i had been looking forward to this wedding and had been feeling okay mood wise so it was a rare chance to be able to socialize and enjoy it. so i felt so out of control of my physical self and emotional self it was so horrible.
finally my doc told mt to take more serequol so i slept well last night bh.
but now i still feel so anxious about getting upset with my sister who im so close to. i already dont talk to most family members becuz theyve hurt me so much, so i am terrified of losing her as well. i finally texted her now that i dont want to be in a fight with her but she said shed call and i said i couldnt talk yet, without being triggered all over again.
so is this really all not my fault? is is just the bpd making me so hypersensitive that every touch burns and thats why i cant talk to most of my sisters? it hurts so much to not get along with them. this is just my way of protecting myself. believe me ive tried letting down the walls and only got more and more hurt.
thanks for caring.


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emunahdoj
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6/11/13 2:12 AM
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For me it was a huge relief to be diagnosed with bpd because now I understand why I feel and act the way I do. It makes me feel more normal beause I know that it is a real disorder and that there are ways to get help
 
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emunahdoj
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6/11/13 2:14 AM
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Star thank you so much for posting the video. Glad you found it so you can feel more validated
 
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star
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6/12/13 10:18 AM
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sure. thank you for responding.


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star
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6/13/13 7:19 PM
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so my mom invited my sister who called me abusive to come onn sunday and she said she wouldnt!!!!!!!!!!!!!111
i feel so betrayed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1no words!!!!!!!!!1i got hysterical!only bpd ppl can understand what it feels like to have someone who hurt you and burned you come into your safe haven. becuz to other ppl its not such a burn but to me its KILLING ME!!!!!!!!!!!11
and after all the videos she watched and said she understands how much pain im in, shes specifically putting me in a painful situation, oh and i can go somewhere with another sister. go fly a kite, kick me out of my home. BECUZ THATS HOW IT FEELS LIKE TO ME AND BY NOT TREATING ME LIKE SOMEONE WOTH A 3RD DEGREE BURN YOU ARE INVALIDATING AND NOT BELIEVEING MY PAIN!
AND TO ALL THOSE JUGDEMENTAL PPL WHO THINK IM CRAZY WRITING IN CAPS, U TRY IT OUT IN MY SHOES AND SEE IF YOU CAN NOT SCREAM!!!!


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keep climbing
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6/13/13 7:48 PM
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I'm with you, star. I know what it feels like when somebody dear betrays you. It HURTS.
And, yes, it may not seem huge to most people, but to us, it's horrid.
Been there, done that.
Treat yourself to something good. You deserve it. You are suffering!
Hope you feel better soon.
 
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star
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6/13/13 9:33 PM
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THANKS.


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frumsw
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6/14/13 11:36 AM
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Anybody who is in that amount of pain would try to do anything to end it so it makes perfect sense that you distance yourself from people who hurt you but it also makes sense that you are scared of losing the relationship with this sister. Do you have anything to make yourself feel better like things they teach at DBT?


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star
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6/14/13 12:57 PM
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im not scared of losing the relationship. i dont want anything to do with her.


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getMeOutOfHere
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6/14/13 7:41 PM
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I would be FREAKING OUT!


Edited: 6/14/13 at 7:42 PM by getMeOutOfHere
 
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star
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6/15/13 10:57 PM
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THANK YOU SO MUCH, getme.
i had a shabbos from HELL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
im not talking to anyone in my family they all think im acting like two instead of someone in crazy pain.
i am ALL ALONE!!!!! and my sisters coming tomorrowww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
im freeaking out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i called my teachers shes not answering, my two "friends"r going to israel tomorrow,etc!!!!!!!!!!!
i cant watch movies in my room all day, i did that today and it was horrible.
u know what it feels like to have the whole world PITTED AGAINST U????????????
it is horrific un-describable. does anyone know any place i could go tomorrow? im in nj! help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i need a safe haven. ANYONE???????????????????


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keep climbing
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6/16/13 8:05 AM
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If you can get into Bklyn, the Brooklyn Botanical Garden is beautful. The roses are at their peak, and the whole place is peaceful and restful. It's worth the trip.
 
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star
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6/16/13 9:09 AM
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thanks but i dont drive and am scared of taking public transportation alone and have noone to go with.
im going to go to a mall and maybe to a friend. i need some place to sleep over if not ill just camp out outside my docs office cuz i have an appmt monday morning. wow i sound crazy.....


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Mimi1022
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6/16/13 8:17 PM
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Stay safe, star. I was thinking of you.
 
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star
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6/16/13 9:27 PM
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thanks mimi. So I went to the mall and met two friends bh. No idea why they are so nice to me. Feel like a hyprocite cuz can't get along with my own family. I'm dreading going back home tomorrow.DREADING.i need a session with my mom and my doc but she won't come prob cuz she works and doesn't have a car cuz her husband uses it then. But I can't go on not talking to her. But I can't talk to her either for fear of her hurting and betraying me again.am I the only one who messes up all my interpersonal relationships?


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