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TOPIC TITLE: strained relationship
Created On 6/8/13 9:30 PM
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star
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6/8/13 9:30 PM
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I just had another argument with my mom. usually we go to starbucks on motzei shabbos but this shabbos my sister with seven kids came so she wants my mom to babysit while they go do some outreach stuff. think whatver the hell u want- im a selfish idiot, controlling, abusive but i just know that it hurts like HELL to have to beg my mom to spend time with me. It is humilating. I just want one person to want to spend time with me, put me first. Its not fair! all shabbos i had to fake it cuz my sister was here and shes not so accepting. i just want some time with my mom and to get out of the house after being stuck here for 25 hours. i NEED to get out. if you dont understand, remember marsha linihan: bpd ppl feel like they have 3rd degree burn over %90 of their body.the slightest touch can cause severe agony.
Im invalidating myself here. im burning, hurting, so alone. im on an island cut off from ppl and i just want one person to bring me back to humanity. with love and compassion and desire to have me. why is it so hard for you gd???????????/i hate you!!!!!!


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keep climbing
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Wow, star. You are in the whole 25 hours on Shabbos? I couldn't so that if you paid me a million dollars....Do you go out for a walk, at least?
Hope today is a better day!!!
 
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star
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6/9/13 12:07 PM
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thanks for replying. i did go on a walk but i need to go in a car at least once a day to feel like im getting out.


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star
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6/9/13 9:52 PM
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bh had a better day today. Actually enjoyed spending time with the kids for once.


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star
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6/10/13 2:51 PM
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HORRIBLE day!!!!
first i saw the seeit that worked with the kid i was shadowing. when i had quit,i had sent her angry texts because she told the director that i was slacking off. so today she walks up to me and says a) kid now has no shadow-doesnt need which means i was doing nothing with him. b) shes worked with many people and she has never had this (this being this crazy person called me) happen to her before. and she was hurt(here you go-who ever thinks i need to apologize theres your in)and couldnt sleep and she doesnt want to suffer after 120 yrs so pleas can i be mochel here.
i said sure but not really meaning it(dont hold grudges i know, thats another sin in my book). i was so humiliated i wish i had died on the spot.
heres proof that i dont get along with anyone, that im crazy and hurt people, that people are better off without me, that im basically a loser who gets angry a lot for no stupid reason. hence i just humiliated myself here again by writing this on the chance that by maybe making myself vulnerable someone will help me see myself in a better light. or not. maybe ill just be ignored and ill be more ashamed.
see i dont get along with people here either, see im only writing in this section? IM NUTS!!!!!!


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keep climbing
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6/10/13 4:54 PM
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Oy, star. Sorry to hear that your day is horrible.
Where is everybody?
 
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star
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6/10/13 5:28 PM
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thanks for replying. i starting making some head bands and clips to sell so that was distracting bh. but noones buying yet, i dont know why. feel like it doesnt look professional maybe.


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star
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tonight is a Rebbes yartzheit that im supposed to be doing special things for, making hachlatos and watching videos of him or going to a farbrengen or to the ohel where my mom and her husband are driving too but i didnt want to be in the same car as him.
so here i sit at home watching movies.
too hurt and resentful to even write a pan or watch a video of him.Feeling so abandoned by him. But feeling so so guilty for not doing anything special but i know if i try i will just feel resentful so itll backfire.
now im just lonely cuz my moms gonna be gone all night.
and im humilated cuz i keep posting pics of my headbands on facebook but noones buying-are they really that bad???


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star
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6/18/13 10:37 PM
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tonight i went to a session with my doc and my mom.
i told her how angry i was at her for betraying me and letting my sister come.
twice i told her i hate her.
so we decided since i cant afford to move out, ill stay but wont trust her, wont open up to her.
i said fine have my sister over but u lose any relationship u have with me. she didnt object.
so she has to tell me 2 weeks in advance if my sisters coming and take me somwhere that day.
i sound like a spoiled brat right u guys? whos mom would drive them an hour away?
but to me it feels like she KICKING ME OUT of my own safe haven so she can left my sister who abused me into
her home. that my sisters comfort is more important then my emotional health and stability, and that KILLS me.

To top it all off, i told the director of camp that i have depression, i know stupid mistake, so know shes not getting back to me
which i guess she thinks is nicer then telling me i cant work for her. HUMIILATING!
The person i wanted to work for next year also expressed her concern of me being depressed and taking care of her baby.
why o why do i make myself in a position of vulnerability that gets me hurt again and again? i think becuz my mom also has an understanding side so im trying desperately to get that reassurance and acceptance that i long for thats maybe there.
i feel so utterly alone an d NOONE to fall back on. it is the scariest feeling in the world. even my spending money that i have instead of a session is almost used up and im afraid to ask my mom for more. i hear her now laughing on the phone. how dare she when she put me thru so much pain! u see how little it effects her!!!
i wish i was brave enough to.......im trying not to let my mind go there buts its a fingernail away.
help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i need people real peopl around that i can lay my shoulder on, that i can cry to and be understood.
that will hug me and reassure me that they will never leave me. even my doc cant reassure me that cuz if i cant afford to pay him he wont see me anymore.
i have a date sunday night but im not betting much on it. hes 23 and doesnt say hes particularly sensitive and his pic was a little weird, call me judgemental but these things matter to me.so its a tiny tiny hope but also another thing to be anxious about.
i wish one of u were real, and could fly out of the computer to give me a big hug and make me feel less alone.
im suffocating in this loneliness.....


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channafofanna
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6/19/13 11:10 AM
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Wow, sounds tough Star! (((((((HUGS))))))) good for you for being honest about how you feel!! and no you DO NOT sound like a spoiled brat, you sound like you are defending yourself and standing up for your rights.
Did you ask a sheila if you have to tell about your depression?
I wish I could fly out of the computer to give you 1000000 hugs, even across the world1!!!
((((((((HUGS)))))
One thing I can say, is that you will always have your cyber friends from FS, even if we or you dont post, Not that that is necesarily comforting, but im trying here =)
Will venting here help any? because if yes, then vent away!! Were always here for you!!!
(((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))) (((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))) (((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))) (((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))) (((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))(((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))(((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))(((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))
 
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channafofanna
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Heres something that Dr. Lynn wrote a long time ago that i have looked back to in my extreme lows, maybe it will help you to? (btw, thanks Dr. Lynn for that!)

http://frumsupport.com/forums/messageview.cfm?catid=105&subcatname=Depression&threadid=2767#22863

"5/16/12 2:55 PM
Please remember that feelings pass, but the repercussions of drastic decisions could be eternal.

People here (including myself) DO CARE, even if we are cyber friends. To me, that does not make the friendship less real. I have witnessed love pouring all over this site! I am frequently deeply moved by the support that occurs here.
For me, love is about dropping the superficial external aspects of ourselves and going to a place of BEING with another. Resonating with another's feelings and letting my guard down. I am not "Dr. Lynn", but rather BEING WITH YOU..."

 
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star
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thanks channa. im SO glad youre back. youre good at making ppl feel good. its a real bracha.

i feel like im SUFFOCATING here alone in my house with noone to talk to. usually i talk to my mom at the end of the day about my day and my feelings and triggers. but that is GONE now because i lost all trust in her so i cant and dont want to open up again.

I need SOMEONE to talk to!!!!!!!!!I need to get out of my house. i tried asking a bunch of ppl if i could board by them but no luck.

oh, plus the camp i wanted to work in, i wanted them to understand when im depressed, so i told the director i have depression but can still take care of the kids. anyways she kept evading me until today i asked whats the story and she hmm and hawed that she couldnt find me a place to stay. so of course i couldnt let her take advantage of me so i probably will be humiliated then next time i see her, but anyways i texted her: it is unlawful to hire/fire due to mental illness, and its sad that ppl perpetuate the stigma because it could likely happen to them although they might feel so secure now......so she said tysm for the info and ill keep u in mind!!!! so HUMILIATED!!!


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channafofanna
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6/20/13 8:53 PM
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Wow! Thanks! I really appreciate that cuz I was actualy thinking that I should stop posting on FS and just read the posts cuz im just annoying everyone and sticking my nose in everyone elses buisness when im a little kid who cant even deal with my own buisness that i made up. So thanks!

Wow, Im going to send you a cyber mask and you can put it on until the humiliation passes! I know you did the right thing, and hopefuly you do to! Its HER that has the problem. Dosent she read Binah, Mishpacha , Ami ,Yated, hamodia,zman or jewish press? Mental Illness is everywhere! Its an epidemic, and she dosent realize it.
Can you go on a walk now or call Yittie Leibel hotline?
(((((((HUGS))))))
 
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star
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thanks!!!!for the mask


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star
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6/23/13 12:26 AM
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made it thru shabbos somehow, actually ate by neighbors. but then spoke with an old "friend" who was shocked when i mentioned what i do on shabbos, with a heter. so i felt TERRIBLE. humiliated. never want to talk to her again.why do i open myself up for rejection???


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keep climbing
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6/23/13 6:40 AM
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[[[HUGS]]]
I think the world is not ready to hear about mental illness.People are still very judgemental of us and don't react to our problems with empathy.
 
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keep climbing
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6/23/13 7:18 AM
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Either they think we're exaggerating, and feel, just snap out of it......
Or they think we're totally crazy, just avoid us.
Nothing in the middle.
Very few people really understand MI.
 
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channafofanna
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6/23/13 10:46 AM
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yeah, i dont even understand it and i was diagnosed 7 years ago!!! lol!
I no this isnt healthy, but it is my policy to not say anything about anything so i dont get that ( exept on FS!!!) . of course there is also the middle road where you only tell people who are accepting....
Maybe your looking for validation, Star? Or maybe even for people to bash you so you have a right to be sad. make any sence? just speculating here..
 
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star
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thanks for your empathy guys. yes channa i often reject ppl before they have a chance to reject me.

anyways....i have a date in thirteen minutes but he hasnt called so i dont know if its happening....

i REALLY hate dating and making small talk with strangers, especially when ten minutes into the date you know hes totally out of the ball game. i am not trying to be judgmental but i do think i am perceptive if nothing else.....so nervous!!!
to top it all off, im still not talking much to my mom so i have all these pent up feelings and i feel like im gonna explode any second. hope it doesnt happen on the date!!!


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channafofanna
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hatzlacha! ul do great!!!
 
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star
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thanks. it was nice we went to this cool bar. hes very sweet but im pretty sure not sensitive enough for me.or mature. hes just out of college, and in the secular world 23 is still a baby. hes BT but still self absorbed i think. not in a bad way just not at that mature level when you really start thinking about someone else besides yourself. like he was asking me questions but everything led back to him. ill give it another try but its just so disappointing that hes not my bashert (90% sure ).thanks for reading.


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channafofanna
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yeah, you probably need a sensitive guy...
 
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star
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feeling so hurt angry ALONE!
Finally bought a laptop with the money i would have used for a therapy session but the internet and sound doesnt work
and i cant ask my moms husband to help even though he prob knows the password cuz i hate him and dont talk to him and dont want him to think i need his help!
everyone else had their husband to help them! i went over to a neighbor and her husband offered to come over to help but she seemed uncomfortable cuz she changed the subject maybe cuz they r newlyweds but its not FREAKIN FAIR!!! i need this for my mental health.

and the guy i went out with didnt want to go out again and i didnt want to either but why doesnt he want to go out with me? i thought he liked me??? im feeling so alone and back home without friends so noone to vent to. and all shabbos i cant text or call anyone so my emotions will be all pent up and im so scared ill EXPLODE and then get yelled at!!!!HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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channafofanna
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aaaawww!!! ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))) Sounds really rough. Can you maybe call your internet provider or the maker of your laptop? Customer service can sometimes be helpful. Or maybe you can offer to bring your laptop over to her house so that she can be there and "supervise"?
about the guy you went out with- cant exactly help in that department, but ill send you XOXOXOXO's!!
Can i ask why youll get yelled at?
Have an awesome shabbos!! hang in there!!!! we love you here!
 
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star
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thanks channa, for caring to respond and for the hugs. and for making me feel heard.


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channafofanna
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Well, thats really what caring is, no? just bothering to listen to what the person next to you is screaming out from their heart....
Have great one!
 
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star
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yeah i guess. now my moms acting all upset or maybe financially stressed which makes me feel so GUILTY!!! cuz at least i could be friendly with her but im still not ready to talk much cuz im so hurt and am trying to protect myself from more hurt. now her and her husband r fighting. prob my fault too. hate this house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!NEED TO GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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star
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just screwed up another relationship. this person said shes always there for me and then had no time for me when i was in her area. so i texted her im honest when u say something mean it or dont say it at all cuz it gives me false hope. waiting for her response it aint gonna be pretty i think....
what is wrong with me that i mess up all my relationships???


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star
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she got upset. said i texted her too much so im a freakin burden to EVERYONE!!!! i dont wanna live like this!!!!!!!!!!!im praying to gd to make me die. im not even talking to my own mother. everyone hates me!!!!!!!!!


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channafofanna
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we dont hate you!!!
DId you ever read Awareness by Mriam Adahan?
 
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keep climbing
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Star,(((HUGS))))

Can you make up with your mother?
Even though you are mad at her now, I remember that mostly you were o.k. with her.
It's worth a try, I think.

Good Luck!
 
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star
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im not mad at her. im hurt. because she lets my sister who called me abusive into the house. therefore i cant trust her anymore so im protecting myself by not sharing my feelings to her. hard to explain and understand unless ur in my shoes.


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channafofanna
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Quote

Originally posted by: star
just screwed up another relationship. this person said shes always there for me and then had no time for me when i was in her area. so i texted her im honest when u say something mean it or dont say it at all cuz it gives me false hope. waiting for her response it aint gonna be pretty i think....
what is wrong with me that i mess up all my relationships???


reading the chapter about fours from the book Awareness might help you understand this...
 
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star
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ok thanks. i cant even afford to order it though.


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channafofanna
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basicaly that fours are romantic and we think in our head of magical and amazing relationship or scinario. We crave close relationships, but not evryone is ready to deal with that, unless they are a four, so most peple get scared offf and need there own space. im saying this from memory so im not sure if im explaining it right, but does this help a bit? its not your problem its your personality types problem...
 
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star
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wow so cool. ive been told im a four before. no wonder everyone runs away from me. so i have to marry a four basically? are you a four channa?


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channafofanna
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aaah!!! i just replyed 3 times and each time it somehow got deleted!!! ok here goes try number four =)
Itr seems to me that a four would be a good choice for a four but i diddnt finish the book so i cant say that yet. maybe she will say what types are good for what types at the end of describing each type...
i also dont know what i am becuase i didnt finish. a lot of me seems to be a four, but a lot of it is so off base. im still trying to figure it out.
any chance you could borrow it or get it from a library? i know that it definatley made me feel a bit less crazy..... it kinda helped me understand myself too.... even if im nots ure im a four yet....
 
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star
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thanks. ill look in the library. feeling so lonely. might have a date tomorrow night with a guy from jwed but i spoke to him on the phone and he didint strike me as being sensitive but hes good looking and has a good job so my doc says ok. but i still feel this aching loneliness and fear that i will never be likeable.


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channafofanna
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i hear that. its a horrible feeling, isnt it?
 
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star
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yes, thanks for validating channa. i think you'd make a great therapist one day. ive been thinking about what you wrote how fours want intense relationships and that makes others scared away,and i see its really true in my life. the only real intense relationship i have right now is with my doc but thats only an hour a week and not enough!


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star
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you wont believe my luck!!!!!! talked to this jwed guy for an hour and a half, he tells me his whole life story, how he had an arranged marriage and then his wife was depressed couldnt get out of bed, so he went back home after 3 months. so im trying not to laugh the whole time and then in the end i say im everything youre not looking for. so then he says why and i pour out my whole depression story, i know great move, and then he says he respects me etc......and he'll think about it. LOL i have such great stories.....its really sad.


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channafofanna
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thanks for the compliment!!!
Wow!!! ironic or what? Thats nuts!!! I am SOOO happy im not dating yet!!!
let us know what happens, k?
 
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star
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k thanks for caring.


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