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TOPIC TITLE: shabbos
Created On 7/18/13 8:24 PM
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star
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7/18/13 8:24 PM
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i am so stressed. the people im staying by asked if i could fine a place for shabbos but i tried so many people, including shabbat.com and noone responded or could have me.
my mom said she would pick me up but i have no way of getting back to monsey and ill have to miss my appmt with my doc.
so the ppl im staying by said i could stay and eats the meals myself but i still feel so unwanted, it hurts so so so much!!!!


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keep climbing
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(((HUGS))))
Oh, star, that's tough. Hope it works itself out.
How's the job going?
 
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star
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thanks. i found a place to stay but i have to sleep on the couch and dont know how i could make it thru a whole shabbos without tv but i cant watch there.
im terrified of feeling trapped. the jobs ok, for now its only two days a week. thanks.


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channafofanna
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how was your shabos Star?
 
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ShtarkeMentch
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How was Shabbos?
 
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star
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thanks guys. so it was ok, i made it without tv. i read, took walks, ate, slept a little. the people are funny so that was entertaining. im still hurt that the people im staying with dont want me every shabbos. also its gonna be a big stress finding a place every other week.
im feeling so lonely today. i have a date tonight with the shomer guy at 730 but i kinda agreed to a second date to be nice. but maybe its mean cuz it got his hopes up. hes a nice person but im not sure how deep he is. also dresses shlumpy which bothers me ill admit. i wish i could get past that but it says something about a person i think. like they are not so socially aware.

i could get past it if he seemed really sensitive but i didnt get that impression yet. i hope this date will clarify things.in the meantime i feel so alone. and scared cuz im running out of money. my mom gave me a 100. but i need 40 for meds and then prob another 40 for food shopping for the week which leaves me with so little for taxis, which i need to get around here, and to get to work on wedsnday, and i dont know when im getting paid, i could ask them to pay me a little early but i find it so humiliating. thanks for listening without judging guys.


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channafofanna
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(((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))
 
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star
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aww thanks channa.ur the best.


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channafofanna
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your probably out right now... but just letting you know im thinking of you!!!
 
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star
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thank you channa. so hes way too goofy and immature even though sweet so i suggested my friend for him, so maybe it will work even though he said hes looking into a few girls, so not fair how the guys have girls lining up and i have to search for a new name.
where and when hashem?im not as lonely here in monsey and in a way thats bad cuz im less motivated to find dates and also cuz im hanging out with the non shomer guy so theres always that in the backround. i just dont know what else theres to do. and u saw dr prices take on it. i fully trust him, at least more than anyone else.
what else does hashem want from me? i see married couples and i just dont get the miracle of them finding eachother? where is he???????????????


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channafofanna
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yep, its a guys world =)
thats all i have to say on the matter..... and in my opinion, anyone who is REALLY depressed, wont get better cuz they find their basheret.... Problem is with our society is that they paint it so that we think we cant be happy if were not married, but is that really true?
 
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star
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there is no single life in orthodox life. as opposed to secular where the focus is on singles,bars, parties etc.


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channafofanna
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your so right....
 
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star
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yup. dr price told me that. im wondering why marriage has such a bad rep by you. truth is it took a long time to convince me also that marriage could be a theraputic relationship prob cuz my parents are divorced but my mom told me all my sibs are doing much better emotionally being married.


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mouse
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Channa, I was single for a while and happy. I think it was a good thing too. I had a chance to "find" myself and not just marry soemoene to fit in. I'm so sorry star you
are having hard time. I've been in and out of this site for a while and really didn't look at this section for some time as few ppl understnad me and I feel an outcast.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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star
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thanks.yes i often feel like an outcast too. thats why i dont post in depression anymore.


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mouse
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Star, just cuz you feel like an outcast doesn't mean you should isolate. Fight the feelings. I know I do.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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keep climbing
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7/29/13 10:13 AM
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What's making you feel like an outcast, star?
We miss you here.
 
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star
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thanks. just more sensitive then others.


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keep climbing
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Are you sure?
Here's a poem I wrote about this topic.....

Feeling so vulnerable
Feeling so weak
Feeling so fragile
Afraid and meek

No skin upon my bones
No fence around my heart
No balls bouncing here
Just piercing, cuttting darts

Triggers all around me
What will the day bring
Can I keep my balance
Cope with everything?

My thoughts @ my emotions
Raging like the sea
I'm drowning in feelings
SENSITIVITY!


Edited: 7/29/13 at 1:45 PM by keep climbing
 
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I'mTrying
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I think we are all more sensitive than others, and have been invalidated for it. I know that's why I always feel the need to show how my pain is worse than everyone else's... because of messages that I've been given (and internalized), such as you can always do better, feelings are no excuse to.... (fill in the blank) etc. and I do think I and others like me with bpd DO feel things much stronger than other people.
This is so convoluted. What i mean to say is - Star, Keep climbing and all others here- whatever pain you feel is not real and immeasurable. So there's no need to compare. b/c at the end of the day, we are all hurting and need support from each other, whatever sensitivities we each have.
 
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star
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whoa i wasnt trying to invalidate anyone. i was just explaining that i feel some people whove gone thru the DIFFERENT depth that ive been thru, just know what to say more naturally. and keep climbing, you do know how to make me feel heard. so thank you.


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keep climbing
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Thank you, star, I appreciate that.
 
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I'mTrying
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Quote

Originally posted by: wishicouldbenormal
Star, Keep climbing and all others here- whatever pain you feel is not real and immeasurable.


OMG!!! That was a typo! I meant to say that
YOur pain IS real and IS NOT measureable.
Star, I'm so sorry you felt slighted. I definitely did not mean that in a condescending way. I wrote what my experience was, not assuming that is what others feel, just in case it would be applicable and helpful. No assumptions taken.




Edited: 7/31/13 at 7:45 AM by I'mTrying
 
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star
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thats ok.
went to a huge shabbos, like 30 guys there and not one did i think was nice and mature, how crazy is that? just decent??i watched their interactions all shabbos. and not one guy approached me, not even weirdos. guess im that fat and unattractive.i have scabs on my face that i pick that i cant cover on shabbos. and there were plenty of prettier girls there to choose from.
so the fam im staying by said i have two more weeks. IM FREAKIN OUT!!!! first i feel so rejected, and second cuz i cant go home! ive been doing much better here but i cant afford my own place. i have depressing nights but nothing compared to how i used to feel. i need to stay here in monsey. the place i stayed for shabbos i asked if they know anyone and hoped they would say i could stay by them but they didnt offer. and i know they take ppl in. i feel so unwanted and forgotten by hashem. HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME???get me married or find me a home!!!


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star
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feeling ignored....whats new....


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toy123
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Hey star y u feel ignored? I shld b the one feeling rejected. I opened a thread for u cuz I disnt hear from u in a while and was worried and u didn't even respond.


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Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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star
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what?im so sorry, i didnt see! where?


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star
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i promise i didnt see it, i dont check the depression threads anymore , just here. didnt mean to ignore you. but the sarcasm hurts.


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toy123
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Sorry didn't know that you don't check the depression forums anymore. I should also add that when I wrote the post I wasn't myself and was very angry, that's why it sounds so harsh. Sorry!


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Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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star
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thats ok, thanks for explaining. i relate to the anger.l was thinking yesterday, when someone does or says s/t that hurts me, like today someone told me a imade a big mistake at work, im convinced they wanted to intentiionally hurt me. and maybe if explained that they didnt mean to hurt me it would help?but sometimes not. i dont get it.


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star
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rosh hashana was hell!!! even with heterim. was with family who hurt me.
where do i go for yom kippur?


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keep climbing
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I had a hard time on Rosh Hashana as well. Also because of family.
We've just got to stick together.
 
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star
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who? dont wanna stick with my family. u prob mean us on frumsupport.
problem is i always think my family is right, they are nice people, so when they hurt me, i always blame myself and invalidate that is was worthy of me being hurt.
example:my sister who hurt me emotionally had a baby so my mom was with her all night so she didnt have time to put money in my account which is so scary for me, therapy food etc,
and i got upset at her when i finally got thru. invalidate: i should be grateful she gives me money but really im angry cuz i feel i moved out cuz she supported my sister so its her fault i need money to live on my own. do i sound like a brat or does anyone understand???
the reason i got depressed on rosh is cuz my sister made place for her sister in laws family and my bro and other guests in her house but found me a dingy neighbors house to sleep in which i declined feeling so guilty and she prob thinks im so dramatic. i slept in the attic where i was scared of animals each night. i just feel so freakin UNWANTED by anyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!thanks for reading...


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keep climbing
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Star, Yes I meant us at FS.
Same here with family. I feel hurt and then guilty about it. The confusion is soo tough!
 
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star
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yes. thank you for being validating.


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HopefulMommy
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Star, (((hugs))). That's really hard! I agree about FS being our family.
 
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star
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thanks. date tonight and im super nervous!!! i think he might be aspergers which isnt his fault but why gd another wrong one?


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gad
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Good luck
 
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star
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thanks


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HopefulMommy
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Good luck! Let us know how it goes.
 
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star
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thanks guys. it went ok. trying to figure out if he has aspergers the whole time, the diagnoser in me. the pros are that hes rich and nice looking. cons perhaps self absorbed and not able to relate to others feelings? like when he was talking about a kid who passed he was smiling.

i dont know what to do anymore, what more could gd want from me??? maybe i should just marry this guy and then have money for every day therapy. im only half joking. so sad.


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gad
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Do you like him?

Do you see a possibility of developing a relationship?


Edited: 9/9/13 at 11:51 PM by gad
 
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star
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hes nice and does a lot of chesed, like chai lifeline. im just curious munkster,you said that your hubby has aspergers, is he able to understand your pain/feelings?


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HopefulMommy
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I was just thinking of munkster s post too. He sounds nice. Hatzlacha!
 
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star
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well hes not answering my texts....feel so alone and freaking unwanted.


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star
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he said he has to think about it....whats wrong with me???


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toy123
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Star nothing has to be wrong with you, maybe it's him. He doesn't see the amazing characters in you. Star my heart goes out for you. Every time you post you're going out on another date I pray it should be the right one and am so sad when you come back disappointed... I truly hope you find your right zivug in the right time bekorav....


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Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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star
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wow im touched. thanks a lot toy. so glad ur here.


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HopefulMommy
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It could be this has nothing to do with you. Maybe he just got cold feet. Hatzlacha! Keep us posted.
 
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