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TOPIC TITLE: from....stop crushing my hope.......to mazel tov.bh.
Created On 12/2/13 11:20 AM
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star
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12/2/13 11:20 AM
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you guys are my true family.
bh I got engaged yesterday. My guy isn't running away even w my family hating me.
I literally couldn't have done it without you guys.i love you all so much and pray that you have only happiness from now on. Noone desreves the hell I went through and that you guys went through or are in. We are family. So thank you all.


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there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
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keep climbing
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12/2/13 11:50 AM
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Mazel Tov! Mazel Tov!
Wow! What fantastic news!
Star, I wish you allthe best-everything you wish for yourself and more!
 
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star
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12/2/13 12:28 PM
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thank you. you as well.


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sruth1
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12/2/13 10:21 PM
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Mazal tov!!!
 
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star
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ty


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mouse
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I'm hoping your family becomes more supportive soon. Mazel tov and may we hear of many simchos in the future.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.

Edited: 12/3/13 at 5:15 PM by mouse
 
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I'mTrying
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12/3/13 11:19 PM
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WOWOWOWOWOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yahoooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!
Star, I am so unbelievably happy for you I actually am crying tears of happiness.
May this be the end of pain and loneliness... MAZEL TOV!
 
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Lasthope
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12/5/13 9:29 AM
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mazel tov!!!!!!!!!
 
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star
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imtrying, im so touched u cried for me. i cry in my heart for all of u, u all deserve only love and happiness and im still angry at gd for being so mean. I WILL NEVE FORGET WHAT I WENT THRU AND WHAT U R STILL GOING THRU! imyh when im married i want to go to schools etc and talk about how to get help, raise funds for therapy, and get rid of the awful stigma. who would do a mental health awareness walk with me?
thank u all for ur mazel tovs. i love u all more then family.


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Lasthope
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12/7/13 1:23 PM
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i would do a mental health awareness walk with you. can we do it in israel too?
 
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channafofanna
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12/8/13 6:12 AM
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Im really so so happy for you.....
(((((((((HUGS)))) ( i gues there is such thing as a hugs from simcha...)
 
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star
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thank you guys. Lasthope, we can do one in israel too. I hope to come soon w my chosson. Were both broke now so idk when.


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HopefulMommy
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12/9/13 9:26 AM
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OMG, I was away and missed all the excitement! Mazel tov!!! I'm soooo happy for you! I'm crying too. Such wonderful news! May you have an amazingly warm and loving marriage and merit to build a bayis neeman b'yisrael!

Now I need to go back to older posts to read more about who the lucky guy is .
 
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star
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12/10/13 1:32 AM
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awwwww thanks


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I'mTrying
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I would love to be at your wedding...
 
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star
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ur def invited


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emunahdoj
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12/10/13 7:12 PM
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Oh my gosh Mazel Tov!!!!!!! I'm soooooooo happy for you
 
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HopefulMommy
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12/11/13 2:36 PM
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When is the wedding? How is the engagement period going?
 
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star
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12/12/13 12:19 AM
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tysm. hows it going w new baby?
btw can everyone share the best bc method? i really dont want to get pregnant but dont want to be nidda from spotting etc.


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mouse
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bc isn't the easiest thing to discuss i a forum....you need to talk with a rav. also, if you want kids, waiting isn't necessarily wise (depending how long you're thinking.) some new research is saying even after age (i think) 25 and def. 30 the eggs begin to deteriorate making it more likely to have a child with special needs -- and i'm not talking just down's syndrome either. another thought, if you haven't already done so, you MAY (not for sure cuz there are some harsh realities associated with it) want to get genetic testing if you haven't yet.....but think before doing that one. mmy hubby has a genetic mutation (not for tay sachs but something else) and had noo clue because it didn't run in the family. I had to get tested right before we ggot engaged -- and i mean RIGHT BEFORE!!! also, there is a high infertility rate (from what I see) in the frum community -- if you've had probs you know everyone in town who does too sadly. so, if you wait to get pregnant, you may not know till way too late that you have a problem going and then getting help is REALLY problematic unless you live in NJ (I do not believe NY has infertility benefits in insurance but I could be wrong.) I hope I'm not stressing you out. I just REALLY think you should a. talk toa rav and b. consider the implications of waiting to have children and c. consider other things related to baby-making 101. . If the rest is too stressful to thiink of just talk to a rav.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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star
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12/13/13 11:14 AM
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im no way having a child before im ready. no kid is gonna suffer like i did. and i barely take care of my own needs.


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keep climbing
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12/13/13 12:24 PM
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I agree with you, star.Stay strong--you always know what you need.
How is everything going?
 
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mouse
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I think you are right on that matter....There is a good chance you can get a heter but speak with a rav and a doctor about it. Don't go by anecdotal info.


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star
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12/14/13 9:30 PM
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great. im such a slut. i conciously or subconciously seduced him(my chosson) to be physical w me. not sleeping but everything else. i think im addicted but is it so crazy to be addicted to love? whats wrong with me???


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Lasthope
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DOn't beat yourself up about it. It happens to MANY frum engaged couples. Just try to get a wedding date asap (do u have one) and see each other less but talk on phone more, so you don't have the physical temptation. Engagement is really tough with that. I promise you the yetzer hara is trying to get you to mess up and then feel really crappy about it. You messed up, but there's always a chance to fix things. You can stop, resolve to do better next time, then don't feel bad anymore about it. I rarely bring up the yetzer hara but I know this parsha too well. As for birth control, if you get affected by the pill - it can cause more mood issues with lots women, even those without predisposition to depression (which is hard to know until you try it), there is the IUD. It has issues with staining, but it's the best b.c. out there cuz you don't have to remember to use it. Wait until you are ready. Discuss other options with kalla teacher or rav, cuz there are many options (diaphragm.. condom is even allowed in some cases) and make sure they KNOW that you are on meds and been struggling with depression and all that stuff and need to be ready for the task of taking care of another human life. You need to feel ready. Having kids is beautiful, it brings mashiach closer, it brings lots of good stuff, but it also brings the reality of stress and stress and stress which affects our very sensitive brains.
You are not a slut. You are a daughter of Gd who made a mistake. we all make mistakes. You can pick yourself up and keep moving, and talk about how you feel with your chosson if it helps.
 
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mouse
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12/15/13 3:27 PM
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LH said it well....


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star
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that hurts. It's not a mistake.its a real need. I feel misunderstood and judged. I won't even try to explain myself. Ouch ouch ouch.


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mouse
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I will add a warning....IUD insertion when done on someone who hasn't had a birth vaginally is VERY VERY VERY painful. I'm not sure about those who have had babies vaginally. All I know is what I know. It isn't pretty.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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TBear
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12/15/13 6:46 PM
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Star -

May you have a wonderful life


Edited: 12/16/13 at 9:52 PM by TBear
 
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star
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ok I really don't need your advice. This forum is supposed to be about acceptance.you have no idea what I mean by need. I've been bullied and taunted and rejected for 23 years and here is finally someone who wants me iin every way, and I need to be as close to him as possible. And most of the day I feel such pain that the pleasure and non thinking is exactly what I need. You are being judgemmntal. I thought I had a family here. I want to cry. Ur all hurting me so much. All I need is acceptance not change. You have no no no idea of my suffering. All that's it's making me feel is pain again. Wow. I am so so so hurt. Tbear think twice before telling me how my need is, like food? You have no idea. I thought I was safe here. You know what gd understands. And if I don't fit in here I'll be modern orthodox. So great, thank you for making me feel unwanted and unwelcome here. Now I assume ur gonna deny everything I said so go ahead.hurt me more.


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gad
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12/15/13 10:25 PM
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Star, that's exactly why people are advising you the way they are.
Because they want what's good and blessing for you and your choson
 
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Lasthope
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12/16/13 1:53 AM
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I'm sorry if I hurt you. I didn't mean to, only trying to help. really sorry
 
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Lasthope
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Edited: 12/16/13 at 8:05 AM by Lasthope
 
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star
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gad once again u give me advice and dont evevn read and HEAR what im saying.
lasthope, thank you. i appreciate it.


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mouse
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First off, star, I hope I didn't hurt you though I know I did. It was unintentional. You wrote that the site is about acceptance. But the site is also about new ideas and ways of thinking and behaviong. Perhaps it's helpful to state the purpose of you post so we have a better idea how to respond. Apparently you wanted acceptance, but some of us read it as "need kneww way to do things" and offfered advice based on that thought. I'm not sure but I think that's what happened with me. I'm sorry for not reading inot your post correctly.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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TBear
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OK Star - you are right - I am sorry - shouldn't have bothered to post - don't blame you for being angry - I'm done.
 
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gad
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Star, I do care about you, but I am also very worried that you are digging a pit for yourself and your choson.
And that sometimes, it's important to realize and rectify mistakes, instead of lashing out at people who are trying to help.

You say that I don't read what you write, or hear what you are saying
Let me make more of an attempt

"ok I really don't need your advice. This forum is supposed to be about acceptance.you have no idea what I mean by need. I've been bullied and taunted and rejected for 23 years and here is finally someone who wants me iin every way, and I need to be as close to him as possible."

When we are close when we should be far, then we are far when we should be close.
The way to bring G-d's blessings into a relationship, is to do follow his mitzvos.
Love is fire. When it has the proper containment and limits, it can bring warmth and light. When it runs loose, it can ch"v destroy everything in its path.
If you really love your choson, then you won't want to bring misfortune to him ch"v.


"And most of the day I feel such pain that the pleasure and non thinking is exactly what I need."

So the brain has no use any more? Torah and halacha are now out the window?
I give you more credit, and ability, then you give yourself.
But the yetzer horo is very clever, and can justify anything.


"You are being judgemmntal. I thought I had a family here. I want to cry. Ur all hurting me so much. All I need is acceptance not change. You have no no no idea of my suffering. All that's it's making me feel is pain again. Wow. I am so so so hurt."

Maybe you are being judgemental. We know that you are hurting. And we wish you good health. And a healthy nervous condition. But when people try to help you, and are trying to steer you in a direction that will be for your good, and you accuse them, not even giving them some credit, not being understanding and sensitive to their wanting to help you, not even acknowledging their wanting to help, then I think that the shoe of bring judgemental and insensitive is perhaps on the other foot.

We know you're hurting. But give us some credit, some acknowledgement, of our wanting to help you.
But, as I mentioned before, when the yetzer horo mixes in, it becomes difficult to think straight, and then "the pleasure and non thinking" (except for thinking how to attack others and justify breaking halacha in order to maintain the pleasure) take precedence.
I know I'm being harsh here, but I am trying to show you the other side of the coin, so that you can make the proper decision to not be in the same city as your choson until the chasunah.

I could go on quoting you, but I think it's enough.

Hope to hear good news.
 
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toy123
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Gad I know u mean well but I really don't think star needed to hear such harsh words. I'm sure she's getting enough criticism out of here... star I want u to k ow that I didn't post anything because this topic is a difficult topic for me but I'm extremely happy for u and wish u the best really. I will not give any advice or criticism since frankly I have no experience and am no rebbetzin so I think it's best for me to stay neutral. I do wanna say though that YOUR NOT A SLUT!!!! Don't even think in that direction... May u be zoicha to build a bayis neamen B'yisroel and be happy till 120....


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Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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HopefulMommy
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12/17/13 2:07 AM
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Star, the most important question is not what everyone else thinks, but where you yourself stand on the matter. What do you believe your engagement period should be like? And once you're married, what should the nidda period be like? And remember, if you're not having children right away, that would be almost half of the time. And I have to tell you, it's not easy, especially in shana rishona. And you definitely need a good Rav, someone you're really comfortable with. Because once you're married shailos come up all the time. At least in my experience. Good luck!
 
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toy123
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C'mon people I'm not criticizing and you might be right but can't u see that star is seeking from us a "different" kind of support? I'm pretty sure she knows she has to talk to a rav... she was expressing her distress over doing something and here we are becoming her advisors. I don't know if that's what she's asking for. I can't talk for her I'm just putting myself in her situation and trying to see her point of view. She wants our support on what happened not on stuff that will happen in the marriage. Am I completely off star?


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Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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HopefulMommy
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Sorry, maybe I didn't say it right. What I meant to say, star, is that you're judging yourself. You're the one calling yourself names. If you're clear on where you stand, and if you have a Rav to turn to when in doubt, you won't feel the need to call yourself names. In any case, (((hugs))). The engagement period can be stressful in many ways. Good luck with everything!
 
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star
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gad you don't even merit a response.
toy, thank you for sticking up for me. Only ppl whove truly been through hell and back can fully understand and not judge.


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star
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anyways ull be glad to hear that I'm thinking of breaking the engagement. We went to toronto for my brothers wedding. The border police interrrogated me about the meds in my luggage, even opening up my journal etc, it was the most humiliating and degrading experience . And my chossen was defending the police instead of me, I was crying, I gave a complaint to the supervisor. She was rude to me but nice to my chossen I promise. Then we get to toronto and I'm excited and get ready for the wedding. And I walk into the changing room or wtvr and my sister who called me abusive, walks in and I turn around not to see her and she laughs. Laughs. Like I'm a little kid getting bullied again. Defenseless. So I go into the bathroom and cried and cried til my chossen came and heard me and hugged me and said he loves me etc. So I felt better. Then we walk out of wedding and I missed my only brothers wedding. I let my sister win but I couldn't handle it. Couldn't hear her voice without feeling a knife slashing through me. Is it my fault that I feel things so much more intensely then normal ppl? Like marsha linehan says'3rd degree brun over 90 percent of body.' it kills. And then you judge me for lashing out in pain. How could you. So I wish for my sister to experience my pain not to make her suffer but just so shed understand and not judge me anymore. The hardest thing is everyone else thinks she's a tzadekes, she had 6 kids, always helping ppl etc..so I can't convince myself that she's wrong. I AM abusive. Like gad said or implied.thank you for strengthening that doubt in my head. So I don't want to get married anymore.i don't deserve it. Last nite I was so emotionally and physically exhausted that when my chosson got locked out of his hosts place, I just ignored him and went to sleep. And this bus ride he's talking to me and I'm being impatient and non responsive at best. But I promise you I PROMISE you that this is the best I can do. Noone noone understands how hard it is for me just to put one foot in front of the other.so I can't get married.its a mistake.i don't deserve it, I have nothing to give, and I'm abusive to him. And a sinner, thank you all for reinforcing that idea in my head.except toy. All I want, and need, is some compassion. Is that too much to ask for?


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toy123
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I'm so sorry star to hear the devastating new. Although I must disagree with you that you can never get married. You're still very young. give it some time. Maybe even take a break from dating/marriage and focus on recovery, but I absolutely believe that the time will come and you will find the right one and you'll iy"h be very very very happy!!!!! I'm 27, divorced 8 years and still not even close to getting married. Yes I am in a lot of pain every time I hear someone especially younger than me get engaged, or someone especially a niece or nephew have a baby and I don't know why, but I hope I will make it there one day and that is my hope for you too. May the day come sooner than later....


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Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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Lasthope
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12/18/13 3:13 PM
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(((((((((HUGS))))))))))) I'm sorry it's so hard. Family members can be so insensitive, they have no idea the pain you go through. Your sister should apologize and be the one to try to understand yet she seems to not give a darn which is so so painful. Noone is judging you. You are doing the best you can.
 
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keep climbing
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12/18/13 6:10 PM
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Star, my dear- if you would know how many simchas I've missed, and close ones! I've totally stopped beating myself for this. It's not my fault. That's my mantra, and come and join it.
What does that have to do with your own engagement? I don't get it.
 
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star
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thank you for being nice. I guess I'm just feeling too hurt and emotionally needy to be nice to my chosson, and I'm upset at him for being a bt selfish about something last night.


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star
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12/18/13 6:51 PM
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but mostly I'm upset at myself.and gd. I don't think I can make a marriage work.one interaction w my fam and I turn into a monster again. I hate myself this way.


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keep climbing
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12/19/13 10:01 AM
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Star, how are you doing today?
 
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HopefulMommy
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Star, we all get triggered when interacting with family members. That doesn't mean that you can't have healthy relationship in the family that you yourself create with your chassan. Please don't make any rush decisions you'll regret later! Your doctor gave you an OK for getting married. He can see the whole picture objectively, from the outside. You can do this!! We're all rooting for you.
 
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