Login
Questions or Comments!
admin@frumsupport.com

Get FrumSupport News! Join our mailing list.
Email:


Search

Navigation:

 Tehilim List  < Refresh >
TOPIC TITLE: I dont want to be frum anymore.
Created On 3/29/14 8:25 PM
Topic View:

View thread in raw text format


tikvah
Junior Supporter

Posts: 19
Joined: Feb 2013

3/29/14 8:25 PM
User is offline

Hi, Its Star. i got locked out of my old username so im gonna use this old one.

This shabbos was hell. ok not the old hell of singlehood but still endless hours of myself, my thoughts, my anxieties. My husband
slept and he enjoys shabbos. He asked to play a game and i just couldnt. instead i started crying and telling him how lonely i am
and noone understands me and i want to be up with peretz. hes getting better at not getting defensive when i yell at him cuz hes understands a little
more my pain of not being understood. i dont want to be single again. i just thought it would be easier to keep shabbos married and its not.

So i left the tv on but its hulu so i still had to press buttons and i felt so so so guilty. Then i was chopping veggies and i was like 'U know, Gd?
why do i have to feel guilty? just cuz i was raised this way doesnt mean i need to be this way.
I want to dress in skirts and eat kosher, ok, im not looking for social attention, and i wouldnt even fit in the secular world.

But i need to escape this guilt. Because the truth is, most of this orthodox life is just too freaking hard for me. not the hard kinda hard
where u can push thru and feel proud. no this is the impossible kind of hard, the kind that makes me deeply angry and resentful that
Gd could exclude me so much by making these laws impossible for me to keep. and dont blab to me about the reward. ITS TOO HARD.

I just cant go to mikvah. i cant. emotionally physically. i CANT. I CANT. I cant keep shabbos or yom tov. I CANT. SIMPLY CANT.

So why should i live this lie of a life i will never fit into? Where ill always be on the outside and wondering desperately how everyone else
does it and most, happily.

So if i decide not to be totally frum, then maybe at least ill fit in there. to the never world. not here or there but still somewhere.
Maybe ill feel less guilty. If its not a truth to me, then i wont be breaking anything.

Or i can think that theres an understanding gd and its just stupid ppl that make life impossible.
but i can't. i cant live with the doubt of believing maybe ill go to hell for watching tv, cuz noone really knows, u know?
noone call tell me i wont go to hell. maybe the rebbe but hes not here anymore for yechidus.

so i feel i have no choice. i cant be frum anymore. please be sensitive responding. im feeling resentful already. gad, i dont want to fight so please skip this one.


-------------------------
all you need is a leap of faith
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



keep climbing
Senior Supporter

Posts: 704
Joined: Apr 2013

3/29/14 9:15 PM
User is offline

 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



gad
Senior Supporter

Posts: 1458
Joined: Jan 2006

3/30/14 2:36 AM
User is offline

I don't want to fight either.

Even though you asked me to skip this, I just want to write that I know you are suffering, and I wish you only good things.

Hope I hear good news soon.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



channafofanna
Senior Supporter

Posts: 1351
Joined: Jul 2009

3/30/14 9:36 AM
User is offline View users profile

If there was a emoticon for sympathy, i would use it now..
((((((((((HUGS))))))))) Star!!!
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



HopefulMommy
Senior Supporter

Posts: 1612
Joined: Nov 2005

3/30/14 12:13 PM
User is offline

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. (((Hugs)))

It sounds like your relationship with your husband is getting better, and easier. So glad to hear that, and may the two of you grow closer and closer throughout life.

My take on the frum issue is that G-d Himself is loving and forgiving. It's people, often well-meaning and with the best of intentions, who make things so difficult for us sometimes. I'll give you an example. I just started seeing a new therapist, and I told her about a situation where I felt very hurt by something someone said. That person insisted that she was right and I was wrong because her Rav said so. So my therapist said, straight out, that she is absolutely wrong and that she asked the wrong Rav who was not knowledgeable in the area of mental health. Or maybe she misrepresented the facts when she asked. It doesn't matter. The point is that it's not G-d who said something that to me sounded cruel, but that particular person, or maybe her Rav who didn't know any better.

It seems like you clicked with Rabbi Naiman. Maybe you can talk to him more, and hopefully hear the kind and forgiving G-d's perspective, instead of some person's misguided perspective.

Good luck! And feel better!
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



I'mTrying
Senior Supporter

Posts: 407
Joined: Dec 2008

3/30/14 12:25 PM
User is offline

As I posted previously in Dr. Price's thread(without seeing who it was first) - I am with you, star! Keeping halacha is becoming torturous. I can empathize completely.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



star
Senior Supporter

Posts: 1982
Joined: Jan 2012

3/30/14 4:03 PM
User is offline

hi, from my phone I can get in. Thanks all for empathy. Are nyman is unreachable, I try calling and noone gets back to me. So what am I supposed to do in meantime? Watch tv and not feel guilty? I wish I knew for sure gd understands.imtrying,keeping halacha is becoming torturous, rly needed to hear that, thanks


-------------------------
there is light at the end of the tunnel
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



tikvah
Junior Supporter

Posts: 19
Joined: Feb 2013

3/31/14 3:51 PM
User is offline

rav nymans gonna call me. i hope. what do i say?


-------------------------
all you need is a leap of faith
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     

View thread in raw text format
FORUMS > Personality Disorders < Refresh >

Navigation:

The information in this site is not intended to replace the advice of a doctor. FrumSupport disclaims any liability for the decisions you, the User, makes based on information on this site. By using this site, reading, viewing, posting or otherwise, you signify your assent to the Terms and Conditions of Use. If you do not agree to all these Terms and Conditions of Use, please do not use this site. FrumSupport may revise and update these Terms and Conditions of Use at anytime. Your continued usage of FrumSupport will mean you accept those changes.

If you think you or someone you know has a medical emergency, call your doctor, Hatzolah or 911 immediately. FrumSupport cannot and does not monitor forums and postings and cannot and will not pro-actively obtain help for users in need as FrumSupport does not have the funds or people power to accomplish such tasks and it will infringe on the anonymity of each user. Therefore, FrumSupport’s liability is limited by this paragraph and as further set forth in the Terms and Conditions of Use.