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TOPIC TITLE: Colitis and Shidduchim
Created On 1/29/08 6:27 PM
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PB613
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1/29/08 6:27 PM
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Does anyone have experience with shidduchim and UC?
Rav told us to mention it only after the 3rd date.

What has your experience been? How do people respond to hearing this?

I'd love to hear from spouses and future-spouses...


Edited: 1/29/08 at 6:30 PM by PB613
 
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CAP
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1/30/08 8:19 AM
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i sent u a pm
 
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PB613
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1/31/08 4:21 AM
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This may be a personal question...

To those who are married with Crohn's/UC or are married to s/o with Crohn's UC -

How did you bring it up when dating and how did it go?



Edited: 1/31/08 at 4:25 AM by PB613
 
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cd
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2/7/08 10:03 AM
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I have Crohn's and i've been worried about this problem also but few month ago i got engaged and our "talk" during date number 5 wasnt as bad as i had immagined.

You should know your illness well and be prepared to explain your problem and how it affects you and if the person has any real interest in you they will have no problems with it.

 
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PB613
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Thank you for your reponse.
I wasnt expecting too many responses, i see some older boards touched on this topic. Though, here, I am specifically looking for advice and personal experiences about bringing it up when dating.

Mazel tov on your engagement!!!
I'm so happy for you - as a fellow IBD'er I can understand what you've been through.

I was diagnosed a year ago with colitis (which was acute and extreme from lack of medical attention) and B'Chasdei Hashem, i'm back to normal BH, it is completely inactive now (although it is with a 'maintenance' med...which is supposed to be very mild and no side effects)

I know that IBD/IBS is soo prevalent in the frum community and beleive it or not, i dont know ANYONE else with it. I've only been a part of this world for a year now, and I've been looking for someone else in the same situation. Im so happy i found this site and posted here...

I never thought of myself as a sick person (even when i was taking abt 19 pills a day) and it's still weird for me to discuss it and advertise it especially, now that Baruch Hashem, it's inactive. As with anyone with a 'diagnosis', i guess we never expected to have it to begin with, and its a matter of adjusting.

Maybe I'm just projecting and worrying about the future too much, where i need to be having more emunah in Hashem and what He has in store for me.

I know, i know, that if the other person really likes you for who you are, they'll be able to look past it and be able to understand...but...its still scary to think abt. I'm just beyond nervous abt bringing it up when dating seriously and how i'd phrase it without scaring the other person. even though, when understood, its really not scary, just uncomfortable (pun intended) to talk abt.


Edited: 2/12/08 at 5:00 AM by PB613
 
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cd
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2/15/08 9:18 AM
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PB613,

First of all if its in inactive state you should ask you Rav if you even need to mention it. Since its not there who said it will ever come back.
Second of all i think not feeling sick is part of our problem after 7 years with CD last week was the first time i was seen by a CD expert not just a local gastro so make sure to be seen by a good doc.
And try telling some of your close friends/relatives about your issue and see how they respond and what kind of questions they will have for you it will give you a good practice to word it correctly.

Aside from your Rav my personal opinion is that if you do decide to mention it to your date try to push it off as much as possible especially if the topic of health/doctors/hospitals doesn't come up. You arent sick now so it shouldnt be on your mind.

 
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yaldatova613
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2/17/08 12:29 PM
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I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I have Crohns since I was 15, so, by now, I don't think of the things that come with it as making me a 'sick person'. And, I think, I lead a pretty decent and normal life. But - I'm on daily meds - a small cocktail. Does that make a difference in when/what you'd say?
 
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yaldatova613
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2/17/08 12:30 PM
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I'm a girl - I don't know if that makes a difference - in terms of meds and kids...
 
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PB613
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2/17/08 4:03 PM
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cd - Thanks for your reply and encouragement - its really helpful!
abt mentioning it, I feel its very important to be up front and open about something like this (when it is brought up like at 4th date, if its getting serious) Even to say its inactive and then explain abt it, is far better than waiting till a much later time to bring it up.
I took your advice, and practiced telling s/o, a close older friend abt it and seeing her reaction. she was pretty cool abt it and knew a lot of pple with it....

I've told alot of close friends when they commented, a year ago, how I had lost so much weight (25 lbs. in 2 months!) I was pretty sick then, just diagnosed so i just told them that "i had had a small digestive "thing" that i hadnt been aware of and i lost weight, and BH it was getting better." thats all some pple need to hear.
If they questioned further, I just said something like, "its very common in the frum community. Some pple have acid reflux, lactose intolerance....etc, hameyvin yavin that it was something with the digestive track.....i didnt need to mention which end of it, though.....These were close friends, though with other pple, i just graciously accepted the 'compliment' and moved on. so i have experience talking abt it.

It's important to not feel beholden to the disease and to not have a 'sick' mentality - to the best of your ability and extent of the illness. But, like you said, that may be part of our problem - it can have consequences like lulling ourselves into a false sense of security and thinking that we're ok. (i had major symptoms for a year before i got it checked out. thats denial 101.)
Good for you that your pursuing an expert! ive been considering that, just to get a final word.
Did you see a difference in the level of care (in con trast to your local GI)? or difference in the experts approach towards your case?

yalda - I PM'ed you. thanks for your post and about your experience. The world is a stronger place bec. of people with inner strength like you!
also, abt exactly what to say, you should ask your Rav/Dr. bec. they'll know what state the Crohn's is in and how to address it.



Edited: 2/18/08 at 5:03 AM by PB613
 
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PB613
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2/18/08 4:40 AM
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Over these past few days of this thread and the responses I've gotten, both posted and PM'md, I've BH been able to form a more sure view of this...

Basically, I know this is from Hashem and He knows what He's doing. I daven that He help put the right words into my mouth for that time and while i'm at it, for always. I try to align my life with His ratzon. and i think i worried unneccesarily, worry comes from a mometary lapse of believing that Hashem knows what He's doing as the Creator and Sustainer of the world, I pray that I have the courage and ability to accept His will and direction in life.

I think that the main thing is bringing it up in a comfortable and upbeat way and to sound positive and happy and normal as you talk.

cd - i like what you said, about if its inactive, i shouldnt be so concerned with it. im trying to keep that perspective.

Hashem should grant relief and a refuah to shaarey cholei Yisrael and may we be zoche to be 'in touch' and in sync with Hashem's directing our lives.





Edited: 2/18/08 at 5:04 AM by PB613
 
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