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TOPIC TITLE: addiction to people?
Created On 9/11/11 2:46 PM
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chocnpeanutbutter
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9/11/11 2:46 PM
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I'm not sure how to say this but sometimes I get addicted to (or maybe it's obsessed with) a person. that's actually how my whole problem started back in high school. any time it happens I get so bad that I can't function. guys, this is so hard for me to write, help me out? ok, listen, I'm a girl and it usually happens with females. That scares me (I can't spell it out, but figure it out), although my therapist said she's not worried about that.


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Edited: 9/11/11 at 2:47 PM by chocnpeanutbutter
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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9/11/11 3:07 PM
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I think this might be the root of my problem but I just can't clear it up and it's been sooo long. I remember in high school my principal told me it is so common, but I have yet to meet someone who would talk to me about it. Anyone?


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wishtobehappy
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9/11/11 7:30 PM
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totally know what you mean and it is common, but obviously not normal, probably related to your relationship with your mother. a good therapist should be able to help you resolve that.


Edited: 9/11/11 at 7:32 PM by wishtobehappy
 
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hugs
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9/11/11 7:47 PM
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I have this problem too and I did some research into borderline after I was diagnosed with it and one of the symptoms (I think) is an obsession with people. Don't know if that helps you at all though. Gluck!
 
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channafofanna
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9/11/11 7:54 PM
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omg!!! i always have this and its crazy!!! but it not only girls with me... its really a borderline symptom? how do i know if im borderline? my docs never said i am...
 
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wishtobehappy
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9/11/11 8:44 PM
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if you SI you probably are, some docs are not too familiar with it.
 
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Ineedspace
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9/11/11 10:59 PM
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Perhaps you suffered some forms of abandonment earlier in life and that left an effect on you. You find a friend, a confidant, and your subconscious warns you that you might lose this person too, so you feel insecure now. You become obsessed and clingy, as if you're preventing her from leaving you. But your very obsession and "addiction", how you call it, might suffocate the friendship and push the other person away. There is nothing wrong with you. It's simply due to some underlying issues and with the help of a therapist you should be able to explore inside of you and get to the core of it and hopefully learn new ways to build and trust relationships. Keep us posted.
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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9/12/11 1:59 PM
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What is SI?
ineedspace - it's actually completely different. Not that I'm afraid to lose them but that as soon as I find someone I like (it's always someone older than me), I completely lose the ability to be myself around them, or if I am able to fake it, all I worry about is whether i will be able to be myself the next time I see them. Also, it's usually not someone that is so possible to have a really close relationship with, but I always want it to be reeeaaally close and obsess over that too.
Basically, when I like someone, I actually try to make them think I don't like them.


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Edited: 9/12/11 at 4:36 PM by chocnpeanutbutter
 
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wishtobehappy
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SI=self injury, I used to be the exact same way as you describe, it could definitely be worked on, I suggest bringing it up with your therapist. btw, you sound like a really sensitive person and with the right tools could go on to help others.
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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9/12/11 4:38 PM
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Before I edited my last message I wrote 'make them think I don't like me', if anyone read that I meant 'make them think I don't like them'.


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Edited: 9/12/11 at 4:38 PM by chocnpeanutbutter
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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My therapist knows and has known for over a year and still no progress in that area. It happens less often, but when it does happen I don't know how to deal with it, and don't understand it.
wishtobehappy - you really also unconsciously try to push people away while you try to bring them closer? (or maybe you misunderstood because of my typo). If this is what you meant, do you know a possible cause of why someone would do such a thing?
and thanx for the compliment, made me happyI actually hope to have a career in psych.


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wishtobehappy
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9/12/11 5:16 PM
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yes I'm the same and also have an extremely hard time getting attached to people, by me it's trust, it's part of borderline symptoms, but getting better, as I said, it's probably related to an insecure attatchment when you were younger, and as Ineedspace mentioned, possibly involving abuse and neglect.
you'll make a great therapist, go for it.


Edited: 9/12/11 at 5:18 PM by wishtobehappy
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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9/12/11 5:29 PM
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how long did it take you to work it through? should i be worried that it's over a year since i came to my therapist with this problem and IT IS STILL HERE? (Although those first few months i spent getting over a trauma that had just happened, except it was related to this problem, so something should have been worked out already! (basically someone took advantage of my obsession with her to meet her own twisted needs). Since I started therapy, I've been obsessed with no less than 4 people at different times.


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wishtobehappy
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9/12/11 6:17 PM
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sorry you had to go through such a horrible experience, I don't think we have the exact same issues though, I get obsessed in my mind, but don't show it, so I couldn't really be taken advantage of in such a way... anyway, I wouldn't say I'm completely over it, but definitely better, if you're in therapy for a year and working on this specific issue, you should be seeing some difference, unless you're working on different issues first, or unless your t is not too familiar with borderline tendencies... hope you feel better soon, stay strong.
 
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Ineedspace
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9/12/11 9:04 PM
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Chocandp...yes, it makes sense that after a year of therapy the issue still exists. Therapy is a long and gradual process. From what you're sharing it sounds like you push these people away for FEAR OF REJECTION. You may not even be aware, but possibly you suffered from rejection at a very young age and YOU WON'T LET THAT HAPPEN TO YOU AGAIN, and so you reject them before you can ever god forbid feel rejected again. And you're saying its usually some1 older. Perhaps what you're looking for is a parent figure? I'm not sure, It's my own assumption. It may be that little child in you still looking for that adult who has possibly rejected you in the past. This is a very deep and painful feeling; wanting to be close, accepted, and loved yet pushing them away. And about being yourself, perhaps growing up you HAD to be someone else in order to be loved and you developed that self-fulfilling prophecy about yourself?? ...it's hard...difficult...wish I can be more helpful. I can only assure you that with the help of your T, you will get better. Love yourself, accept yourself, respect yourself, and so will others.
 
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channafofanna
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9/16/11 2:51 PM
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your ideas all make sence. i think im going to my pdoc soon, maybe ill be brave enough to bring it up...
also abt pushing away
"sometimes we put up walls not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to knock them down" thats why i cling/push away... it took me ahile to realize it, but i did..
what are symptoms of borderline?
also , therapy is not a magic cure.. you have to activly participate and work at it. but if you are trying, maybe talk to your T abt it.. sometimes getting better is that your NOT Getting worse, wich sounds good, ya?

hang on tight everyone! its a bumpy ride!!
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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9/18/11 1:36 PM
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Here are links for the symptoms of borderline. I hope this helps.
http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/tc/borderline-personality-disorder-symptoms
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder/
You should still speak to your doc/therapist about it, because they know you personally. Good luck!


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Edited: 9/18/11 at 1:41 PM by chocnpeanutbutter
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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I think I'm different from you guys, cuz I only try to push away the person that I am obsessed with. With everyone else, it's fine. Also, the person usually doesn't know about it, just that this person got lucky when she made her move, because I was already obsessed with her and let her do what she wanted!
And also, I feel a lot of pain, because I feel guilty that I'm having such thoughts about someone. Basically I'm scared I'm partially lesbian. I hinted at this in my first post, but no one commented on it, so I'm saying it straight out. It could be I push them away because i think i'm doing something bad by liking them. And I don't talk to boys, so I don't really know what s*xual feelings are like. I have no idea if what i'm feeling is that I want to confide in them, hug them, or .... more? Maybe it's a combination of both, but I can't separate out the regular from the not regular.
My t said it's definitely not borderline, and I trust her on that. I guess it can happen as it's own separate thing. Thanx for listening - I know you can't actually help me like a therapist, but for me this is better than therapy. In therapy, I often sit there for a while just not being able to talk, which is really hard. Here, i can write without being scared that I will be judged, so I can just write freely, no getting stuck, what a relief. Hey, I have an idea for a signature....


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wishtobehappy
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9/18/11 2:41 PM
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I wouldn't worry about it if I were you, just because you have these feelings doesn't mean you're lesbian, as you said, you didn't even give a boy a chance yet, some people lack the basic nurturing we're supposed to receive from our mothers and this can manifest as a desire to connect to an older a woman, a mother figure so to speak.. that's my humble opinion at least...
 
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wishtobehappy
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9/18/11 2:43 PM
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...and don't worry about being judged, I for one have my own embarrassing issues as do most of us here...
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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9/18/11 3:10 PM
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thanx, but sometimes i'll see a pretty girl and feel an attraction. what does this mean?


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Ineedspace
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9/18/11 3:23 PM
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Choc, allow yourself to pat your back for taking the courage to share something so delicate and risky. I don't judge you, the feelings that you're feeling are real and you're not choosing them. They must be difficult to deal with. Discovering one's own sexuality is a function of growing up and I'm hoping that with the help of your T you will come to grips with this part of you. Perhaps you can describe to your therapist in detail what it is that your feeling towards her specifically and in general to girls you feel attracted to. Together you can explore deeper inside of you and get to meet the "you". I feel sorry for you for having to struggle with these confusing feelings. You're not alone, many woman grow up having strong attractions for other woman, there are ways to work these issues through with the help of a professional. It is a difficult and long process but you'll get there. Keep us posted and let me know if there's any way we can be helpful in the meantime. Thanks you for sharing.
P.s. I like your signature
 
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channafofanna
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9/18/11 3:28 PM
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thanks... i took a "quiz" and it said im 73% borderline... i guess when i go to my pdoc ill maybe bring it up...
im glad you feel comfortable here! i noticed it in ur first post but im not rly an expert on that type of stufff so i justlet it go...
what does an atraction mean? it could just mean she is DROP DEAD GORGEOUS!!! but idk anything bout this stuff... i never talked abt it with everyone...
 
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wishtobehappy
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9/18/11 3:37 PM
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Ineed..'s advice sounds great, and about feeling attracted to a pretty girl, do you get attracted to beauty in general? do looks matter to you a lot? if yes, then it's a natural reaction, I think.
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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9/18/11 5:50 PM
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Out of curiosity, I took a quiz too, and it said it is likely that I have borderline. My therapist is sure I don't. should I be worried?
Thanx for answering about being lesbian, I appreciate that you were willing to discuss it. I need to think about it more before i respond to your questions.


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Ineedspace
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9/19/11 7:45 AM
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You're saying that according to the quiz you took you most likely have BPD, and you're asking if you need to worry. Worry about what, that your T doesn't think so? Or worrying about the diagnosis? About the what if you do have it? I'm obviously not a professional to diagnose but there are many things that need to be taken in account before labeling one with any specific diagnosis. I would say go through the possible symptoms with you T, and if it turns out that you both agree that you don't have it try to trust the decision. However, if the result is that you do match the diagnosis you still don't have to worry. Many people suffer from BPD and there is a way out. You don't suddenly become someone else just because you carry a label. A diagnosis is just to give you direction, to help you understand yourself better and to hopefully guide you in the direction towards healing. Hang in there..
 
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Aba
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9/21/11 1:36 PM
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Ineedspace well said.


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Ineedspace
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Oh, thank you Aba
 
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channafofanna
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ya, i like how you said it to.
i asked my pdoc adn we went throught the sympotms together. i denied having all of them, but we both knew i was lieng.... i guess ill just have to wonder till i decide to be honest (aka, ill always wonder..)
most of the symptoms of borderline sound just like normal people with some mental health issues.. i dont see how its any diferent than anything else. how come we never hear about it?
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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9/26/11 12:53 PM
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so, there's this person that I know, (it's basically a business relationship) and she's sooo nice, and well, I really like her, you know what I mean? Although it's not because she's pretty, it's more because she's really funny, makes me laugh, and like I said, she's nice, and I don't know what else, but basically I think she's pretty cool. I have no idea if this is obsessive or not. I think about her a lot, but that's cuz I didn't start working yet, and i'm really bad about calling my friends, so she's like the extent of my social life. (I know it sounds bad but I am like sooo busy) Anyway, I worry about whether I am interesting enough when I'm with her. Does she like me? this obsession is not as bad as others, I think because I now know that I don't have to go around feeling guilty for liking her - I mean she's really nice, we get along, why wouldn't I? I guess it's all about not judging myself, like my t always talks about. And usually I am SO nervous to be around the person I like, and I always just think about making us get closer. Now I'm actually trying to just enjoy the time we have together. I'm just thinking out loud, so hope this makes sense. Also I guess I am trying to accept that I what I really want out of this relationship (a mother? a girlfriend? who knows?) is never gonna happen. So I don't have to be trying to make the impossible happen, and I don't have to feel guilty about these feelings, so e/t's ok. I'm trying to convince myself of everything I just wrote. It's sort of working. So I guess i did learn something in the past year of therapy! Now I just have to figure out what exactly ARE these feelings that I feel, and if they are s*xual, why are they happening, and what should I do with these feelings.

Wow, hope I'm not giving TMI, but it really helps me to think out loud on paper. like I always say, I can't always talk to my t, i get stuck and clam up, so this is really great.


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Edited: 10/30/11 at 1:21 PM by chocnpeanutbutter
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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i dont see how its any diferent than anything else. how come we never hear about it?


channa, what do you mean about being different than anything else?


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Edited: 9/26/11 at 12:56 PM by chocnpeanutbutter
 
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Ineedspace
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Hi again. First, you're asking why we don't hear about BPD. I guess you don't hear about it often but BPD is very common, and so is DBT which is specifically helpful for those who suffer from BPD. And from what you share it sounds like you're making progress with you T, allowing yourself to feel, share, and validate your feelings which is good. I'm wondering what your relationship with yourself is like. How do you feel about yourself? About your physical appearance? How's your self image? Maybe what you're really looking for is to have all those feelings and affection towards your own self, and you're looking for it elsewhere. This may not be consciously, and I may be wrong, just my two cents.
 
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channafofanna
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Choc- that sounds good to me.... That seems like helthy thinking, or as close as u can get...did u talk abt it with ur T? cuz truthfuly ive got NO idea what im talkin about.... a few people her do though, but still u shud make sure to discuss it with her....
i meant what i need space said, that we never hear about borderline like u hear about bipolar depression ED's and stuff....
 
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gad
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As I remember it, Dr. Twersky once wrote or spoke that when he was a student in university, his professor told the class to think, and then to write down which perverse thoughts they have.

At first Dr. Twersky thought about it. But then he stopped thinking, and he said that he realized, that if the Torah tells us not to have perverse thoughts or do preverse things, that's because deep down we all have the potential to have those thoughts and do those things. Otherwise, the Torah wouldn't tell us to not have those thoughts or do those things.



Therefore, if unwanted thoughts or desires or ideas enter our mind, there is no reason to feel bad or guilty when the thoughts enter. Rather, we can often assure ourselves that it is normal for these thoughts to enter; and we can try our best to push them away, and to think of other more productive thoughts.

If the feelings persist or become obsessive, then you can ask a therapist for advice.

Regarding lack of interest for boys, this may be (as you and another poster noted) because you are not in contact with boys. I once heard that a boy in a similar situation was advised by his therapist to look at some girls, and that this was done with a Rav's approval, and that the boy then realized that he was attracted to girls.

Hope to hear good news.
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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Yeah, don't worry, I'm definitely attracted to boys. It's just that since I'm not allowed to feel those feelings, they go onto women intead. Anyway, my t says i AM allowed to feel those feelings. and lately they've been coming up a lot (with boys I mean) I think this is great news - I'm rechanneling the feelings to the correct place. But here's the problem:
with the women I always had this push/pull/ guilt feeling inside of me, which I now realize is because I thought those feelings were wrong (it's weird- the feelings are not wrong but the place I put them on was - so in a way my guilt was correct). What happens if with men (meaning my husband) I will transfer the push/pull/guilt feelings, not realizing that now it is actually ok to want to be close?
And another problem:
recently I was talking to my t about s*xual stuff because I was confused with my feelings. But now that I spoke to her about something so- you know- I am feeling closer to her, and I'm having the whole push/pull/guilt thing WITH HER!! I haven't told her yet, but I hope it means that this is a step in actually figuring out these feelings. I know that people transfer their relationship problems to their t - and it's happening. I can't talk to her about it though because i just went two days in a row because i was so confused and she just confused me more, and anyway I'm scared to seem clingy (notice- pulling away) so I'll just have to wait a little.


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channafofanna
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10/6/11 10:48 PM
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hmmm............ well thats progress.....i think u shud def. talk 2 her abt the push/ pull
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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hey guys, guess what? that obsession that i mentioned a while back? it just got REALLY bad and I cannot think about anything else! help! what happened was it was one of the last times that i would be seeing her, so I was like, it's so sad that i'll never see you again after next week, and then she said so call me sometimes. And she wants to know when i'm engaged and everything, and she said she'll come to my wedding, and she said i'm cute! (she is a 50 year old woman). At first I was so happy, that was last week, and then over shabbos i just slowly lost it. I am completely wrapped up in this thing now! Cuz wednesday is the last time i'll be seeing her officially, and after that i will be way to nervous that she might not like me to just call her up. I think the main problem is i feel so yucky for loving someone so much, cuz she doesn't like me back as much as i like her. but she always says she likes talking to me, so that feeds my feelings of wishing for way too much from her... HELP! I cannot tell my parents cuz their answer when this happens is just never talk to her again, even if that means crying for a couple of weeks, and then you'll get over it. But I want to understand what i'm feeling, and learn how to have a normal relationship with someone even though i like them a lot.
I CANNOT FUNCTION LIKE THIS! I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS HAPPENED AGAIN! YOU GUYS, I NEED HELP!


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channafofanna
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10/30/11 8:31 PM
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(((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))
osunds like ur in a tuf spot
 
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wishtobehappy
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10/30/11 10:13 PM
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I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. I wish I'd have some sage advice to offer, but I honestly don't, my humble opinion is that you should just cut off with her after this last time you'll be seeing her rather than being tortured by that push/pull conflict ad infinitum. you'll need to deal with the issues that fuel these obsessions sooner or later in any case, but my best bet is that you're better off just letting this specific relationship go because it probably didn't have much potential to begin with, why torture yourself over it? I know that making a clean break can be painful, but in the long run you'll save yourself aggravation and worse pain, you may as well save the heartache for a more promising relationship... just trying to be helpful... I'm rooting for you and (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
 
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Ineedspace
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10/31/11 5:02 PM
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What you are describing is not uncommon in psychotherapy so first, don't beat yourself up for it. In therapy these feelings that you are feelilng are called
"transference": when feelings of earlier relationships get transferred over to the therapist. These are feelings that you possibly felt towards someone dear to you, perhaps your parental love, and now your therapist becomes this parent for you. Your therapist should be trained to help you process these feelings by responding in ways that other people in your life failed to do. I'm wondering why you're terminating therapy. I would suggest that you DO discuss these feelings with your therapist. Although it may feel scary and risky, she won't judge you, on the contrary, she will understand and help you through it. You might feel embarrassed to discuss this issue with her but this is where healing takes place. My guess is that now by ending the relationship with her you are "transferring" old feelings of abandonement, rejection, fear, and the like, due to an earlier experience. You're saying that you're still gonna see her, i would highly suggest that you spill the beans. It's risky and healing. In the meantime, I feel for you. to walk out of a therapeutic relationship is so hard and painful. I wish you good luck, (still wondering why you're stopping to see her)


Edited: 10/31/11 at 5:04 PM by Ineedspace
 
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Ineedspace
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10/31/11 6:39 PM
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Oh my! I'm so sorry, from your previous message I understood that "her" and the "she" was referring to your T. Reading one of your older posts, I realize now, that it is someone else. I believe that your therapist should be able to help you explore and process these feelings.
 
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crazykid
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11/1/11 10:25 AM
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OMG! I read this post and i never knew that such obsessive thought about my T is a problem! Is it really bad??????? I dream about him every night and i never thought this is problematic. Can anyone explain to me what is wrong with such a relationship? I am EXTREMELY attached to him cz i feel that he is giving me all that i was missing the past 18 years! I desperately need his emotional support and affection! Is it a problem? He is the only soul I confide in! He is everything for me! And it's weird, but i also feel this push/pull towards him. Like after a 2 hour session i am so happy and satisfied but after a few days that feeling fades away and i constantly test his compassion towards me(which i hate doing but i'm afraid i'll lose him) and i have to talk to him every day (on the phone) to satisfy my longing for someone that should love me! Help me!!!! Any suggestions?????????


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Sometimes your medicine bottle has on it "shake well before using". That what GD has to do with some of His people. He has to shake them well before they are ever usable.
 
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channafofanna
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11/5/11 10:27 PM
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i think your lucky to have someone like that. boundreis wise... idk. do you think he LOVES you or just cares?
 
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chocnpeanutbutter
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11/7/11 1:18 PM
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I don't know you guys - t seems to disagree with what you're saying. maybe I explained it wrong to you. t says that obviously there is a need that needs to be filled, and maybe I can fill some of it with her. also, the poblem is mostly that I feel guilty for wanting it, because no one else seems to do these things. but if i don't deny myself the right to want this, like i used to do, it can be ok, i think. cuz actually the person knows exactly what's going on and is totally fine with it. if i cut it off it will just happen again, but if i can teach myself to get from it a little bit of what i need, and do the same with others in my life, instead of expecting it all from everyone, hopefully this thing will stop happening. and the reason that other people don't seem to be doing this is because it's kind of a hard thing to become friends with someone way older than you, and if you have no need, why bother? but since i do have a need, there's nothing wrong that i'm trying to do it. Obviously, this person does not have enough time for me to call her all the time, but she is totally open to the whole thing of getting just a little bit from her(i think because she is not religious), so why not try to help myself out and get a little bit of the need filled?


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Don't judge me, and I won't judge you.
 
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crazykid
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11/7/11 2:40 PM
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your relationship sounds ok, choc. but i dunno hw u get along with a nonreligous one.i wudn't. i have my t that is from my community and he totally understands my needs. i dunno, i guess each to its own..


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Sometimes your medicine bottle has on it "shake well before using". That what GD has to do with some of His people. He has to shake them well before they are ever usable.
 
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wishtobehappy
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11/7/11 2:57 PM
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chocn. your t's advice sounds really good, how does the person know what you want from her? did you discuss it with her? just curious... and I totally understand about her not being religious and being open to it, personally, my current therapist is not jewish and though I sometimes feel misunderstood there are also advantages to it...
 
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crazykid
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11/7/11 4:53 PM
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i know, i totally don't understand how one can connect to a nonreligous T but i guess each to its own....


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Sometimes your medicine bottle has on it "shake well before using". That what GD has to do with some of His people. He has to shake them well before they are ever usable.
 
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wishtobehappy
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11/7/11 5:20 PM
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ironically, even though my t's not jewish, she's the only one I connected to after seeing so many others who were all jewish and most of them were religious... sad... but as you said each to their own....
 
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Aba
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11/8/11 10:07 AM
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At one point Ema saw a non-jew and was quite successful. They only stopped because he retired.

CK, I think a major difference between you and others is your T is more then a person who helps you work through your issues, but he is also a part of your life so a non-religious T wouldn't do.

Kol Tuv.


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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crazykid
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11/8/11 11:22 AM
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that's right and i guess i'm fortunate for that..


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Sometimes your medicine bottle has on it "shake well before using". That what GD has to do with some of His people. He has to shake them well before they are ever usable.
 
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