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TOPIC TITLE: Miss abuser
Created On 3/4/16 1:41 AM
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mouse
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3/4/16 1:41 AM
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This is going to sound crazy. As a child I was abused...severely. I just saw my abuser for the first time in a LONG time. I missed the person greatly. Now I miss being with ther person. I know what was done was wrong but still have happy memories too. I want so much to go back to my childhood. As a result, I'm now experiencing suicidal urges more too. In the morning I'll call my therapist about that but in meantime going nuts. . I feel like world is going to wnd.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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mouse
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3/6/16 5:08 PM
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OK, no responses which means this section is dead as a doornail (like I wish I was too) or I said something stupid. Maybe both. Who knows? Anyhow....right now wishing world would end. Realizing I discontinued a sleep medication that has an antidepressant effect. Thinking oh-so-wonderful thoughts. Crying kid next to me that I wish I could hit on head with hammer. Another one away at moment that I wish I could strangle. And a husband, also away at moment I wish I could trip and watch fall. (I know, all unfriendly.) Thinking maybe this is good time to call therapist, but no privacy. Want to croak.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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keep climbing
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3/6/16 6:21 PM
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Wow! what's going on with you, mouse. You don't sound like yourself at all!
 
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mouse
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3/8/16 1:55 AM
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Just having rough time. I'm so unhappy with life. Just want to quit life...for good. I've done my part in trying. I feel like now it's my time to rest....permanently . Angry at the world. Why didn't anyone help me as a kid??? Why didn't anyone care???? I know I wasn't cute but it doesn't mean I don't need caring, love and protection. I feel like the world failed me and now when a lifesaver is being offerred it's too little too late.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Shver
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3/8/16 12:15 PM
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This reply may not help you much but I am also having terrible time.
My halacha OCD thoughts are going wild and I have become very depressed.
I need to go to hesped tonight and I am afraid that it will give me a lot anxiety.
Just wish I had somebody to dump on but I am so embarrassed by my thoughts.
 
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keep climbing
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3/8/16 1:02 PM
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I'll join the party. I've been crying for the last half hour-just so frustrated with my depression, anxiety, mood (borderline?) disorder. The names don't matter. It's just u and down and up and down over and over again. Did I say again?
 
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Shver
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3/10/16 3:28 PM
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I wish there was something we can collectively do to help each other
besides just venting. Any ideas ?
 
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TBear
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3/22/16 9:01 AM
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Wow - how are you doing Mouse? I have been away and just checked in.... so sorry to hear - wish i could say i didn't understand.... but i was telling my therapist the same thing last week.... I gave up

I had to stop taking care of everyone else - even though I "couldn't stop" and take care of myself - it helped: sleep and a half day off of work - where I locked my door and let everyone else do without me. i drew pictures - davened - journalled - slept.....

Hope you can find some time to unwind and just escape in some way. That is all it really is when we want life to stop, to die - or want to just give up, when we realize no one was there for us as a child - crushing and what is more that child is still inside crying - hopeless - hurting.... I have found it helps to mother myself in these moments.... find another escape rather than death

Thinking about you Mouse.... praying you find some relief, comfort and escape - it is late and not nearly enough, but there can still be some hope, some joy - hang on to that
 
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mouse
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3/29/16 6:33 PM
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Thanks everyone for your input. I really wish so many of us weren't struggling and wish there was a magical solution. Tbear, since you get where I've been and where I'm trying to go (being we have similar backgrounds and diagnoses) it made me relieved to hear you have the same struggles at times. The idea of taking a break from life is somewhat genius. I never thought of that. I really do want to die, but maybe a temporary break from the world would be helpful. What I worry is what will happen when I'm stuck with my own thoughts. That's when my worst demons do their work. At the moment I really hate myself and the person I have become. I'm switching constantly and not able to focus on anything. Furthermore, disability is checking in on me now and I'm nervous I won't qualify for continued benefits. On the one hand I want to feel better. On the other, I need the income so I can afford to keep my daughter home until she is well enough to rejoin her friends at school (if ever.) So caught up in so many conflicting emotions.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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MoMo
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3/30/16 2:51 AM
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Mouse i don't have the right words of comfort. I know you're in pain. I care. I want you so badly to heal and realize how special you are!!!

Always,
MoMo
 
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mouse
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3/30/16 4:42 PM
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Thank you, MoMo. Your words are comforting.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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TBear
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4/1/16 2:26 PM
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Mouse... I hope you win this damn battle.... think i have lost

just plain giving up

Take care and make it for those of us who have tried and failed. cant seem to stop the memories haunting me of what happened to those little girls... no loving G-d could have allowed those atrocities could He?
 
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keep climbing
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4/1/16 4:04 PM
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(((HUGS))) You're not alone, Tbear. We are all here with you sharing in your pain.
And as I get older, I think that THIS is what Hashem wants;that's why He sends us such agonizing situations-so we will reach out and care for each other.
 
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HopefulMommy
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4/3/16 11:02 AM
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(((Hugs))) for both of you, Mouse and Tbear.
 
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mouse
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4/6/16 2:30 AM
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Tbear, I'm sorry you're having a rough battle too. All I know is if I do make the journey to the next world it wasn't for lack of fighting. I've tried, and tried again so many times. I gotta find peace at some point. I don't know if now is the time but I do know I can't keep "living" like this. This is not life. It's survival.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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HopefulMommy
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4/6/16 2:38 PM
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(((Hugs))) Hang in there, mouse! It does get better.
 
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mouse
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4/7/16 5:45 PM
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Therapist suggested a 2 - 3 wk stay at specialized program for DID (my diagnosis.) Not interested


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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wishtobehappy
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5/12/16 8:55 PM
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You okay mouse?
 
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mouse
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5/25/16 7:32 AM
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I'm here on earth. Not much beyond that. I think I've given up.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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wishtobehappy
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5/25/16 6:54 PM
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Still being on earth counts for a lot when you're in such a state. Sorry you feel this way. Was hoping you were doing better. Feel good. (((((((((((hugs))))))))))
 
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Sara26
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6/22/17 7:45 PM
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late response but i think your feelings and mssing this person is common. sending hugs.
 
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