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TOPIC TITLE: Staying in recovery
Created On 12/14/10 11:40 PM
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downandout
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12/14/10 11:40 PM
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I'm having a really hard time staying in recovery mode. I manage to stick (kind of) to my meal plan for two weeks, then I start restricting and purging again for another long while. It takes me a really long time to pull myself out of each time I fall back into the rut, then when I do, I stick to my meal plan and "recovery" for a bit, then fall right back in again. It feels like a cycle that'll never end.
Is it possible to really stay in recovery for longer than a short period of time? Will I ever find the willpower to do that? Does the cycle of doing well for a bit, then falling right back in, ever end?
I so badly want to just BE OKAY with eating. Just BE NORMAL. Not be afraid of every bite I take.
I so badly want to just NOT CARE about weight, numbers, body image, etc.
But now I do care. Now I'm not okay with eating. Now I am afraid.
Is it possible?


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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mouse
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12/20/10 3:06 PM
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I don't know the answer to your questions...but I vote it's probably possible for most. Instead of looking at the constant times you went awry, look at all the times you pushed yourself back on track again. There is a lot of hope in that. If you did it last time, and the time before, you can probably do it again. I hope that's encouraging at least a little.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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downandout
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12/20/10 6:20 PM
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That does make sense to think of it that way. I hadn't thought of that at all - I was just thinking of all the times I went off track, and completely ignoring the times I went on track again. Thanks.

On another note, thanks for responding. I have to admit, I was feeling somewhat uncared about when no one responded. So I appreciate that you took the time to think about what I wrote and reply.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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mouse
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12/21/10 7:04 PM
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I'm sorry in general if I'm not replying to posts so much right now....In general, due to stuff around me and how I feel physically, there is little if any positive I can say most of the time. I'm glad I was able to get you to see the flip side though. Just remember, even if I don't reply, it doesn't mean I don't care; it means I just can't get out of the negative spot I'm currently in to see any positive occurring. (For some reason, in your situation though seeing the positive was easy...strange )


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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hugs
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12/21/10 7:33 PM
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Same problem. Wish I had an answer. I'm crying with u... literally crying.
 
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downandout
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12/22/10 1:46 PM
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Munkster, Hugs - thanks.

I feel like giving up. Seriously feel like giving up. I'm not doing well now. At all. I've regressed to just about the point where I was last year before I went into the hospital. People are suggesting that I go back in - but there is no way I can do that. Leave my kids again? Spend the money again when we are still a good few thousand in debt? There's no way.
I feel like there is absolutely no way out of this. I go to therapy. I go to a nutritionist. I take my meds. I do everything I'm supposed to do. Yet the eating part just doesn't follow. Like I said before, it may here and there for a couple of days at a time, but it doesn't last. And now it's going downhill, at a super-speeding rate.
I don't know what to do next. What to try. How to go about changing things. Where to put my efforts - when I have almost no motivation left.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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mouse
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12/22/10 4:05 PM
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Have you considered DBT? Just a thought.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Debbi
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12/22/10 9:19 PM
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im so sorry- im feeling sorta the same, so i have no good advice.
except that i care and i'm thinking of u.
 
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downandout
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12/22/10 9:30 PM
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Thanks, Debbi.

I have considered DBT - a number of times, in fact - but it just isn't feasible for me, being that in my area, there just aren't any good DBT programs and there is no way I can travel and be out for a number of hours a couple of days a week... It just wouldn't work. It would be a great option, though, were it possible.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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mouse
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12/23/10 6:16 AM
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I sent you a message on here with info that may or may not help you in the DBT quest.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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killedlastyear
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what exactly is dbt? in the program I went to we had DBT group like once or twice a week, but I still don't understand how a full immersion in that kind of therapy would really be helpful. I mean it seemed to me like a different way of looking at stuff, but I kind of got bored of it after the first week or so, it just seemed overly repetitive. And I still don't completely understand what it is.
 
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Aba
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12/23/10 11:06 AM
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D&O,
As far as the monetary concerns of IP have you ever looked in to the eating disorders program in Colombia U in NYC it is a research program so it is free?

Kol Tuv.


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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downandout
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12/23/10 6:08 PM
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I have looked into Columbia. I wouldn't qualify, since in order to be part of the research, you have to come in without being on any meds - and I'm on meds already. That's what I heard. Thanks for the suggestion.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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Aba
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We were told one can apply while being on meds but just need to go off them before entering the program.

kol tuv.


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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mouse
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12/28/10 3:12 PM
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KLY, sorry for taking so long to answer the "what is DBT?" question. Rather than try to explain it fully in this forum, I suggest you do a search on line for DBT or Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Specifically, it is a form of therapy designed by Marsha Linehan (or she had lots to do with it) that approaches one's problems from a different view point (in my opinion.) It's goal is to increase "mindfulness," decrease impulsivity, increase postiive interpersonal relationships, decrease emotional lability, and the list goes on.... There are basically four things working to increase and four things working to decrease. I don't think I covered them all since I'm no whiz at it yet...just beginning. However, from my experience with it, it is useful for a person who needs to work on a problem actively....not to place blame on someone else or yourself or whatever, but to find constructive ways of getting what you want and need in this world through building positive outcomes. Basically, it is changing YOUR behavior since you can't change OTHERS and working from that point. These programs tend to be very intensive...in a typical DBT program very often you meet at least 2x a wk. and have access to your therapist after hours for "coaching." Coaching is using skills that you learned in DBT in times that you have a hard time. It is not time spent with the therapist to discuss the actual problem taking place. Dunno if I was helpful. I remember hearing about a few really, reallly good sites on the subject. I'll try to find them and post them in a bit.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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toy123
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12/29/10 2:29 PM
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Sorry that you're struggling so hard downandout. I know the feeling of wanting to give up. I wanna give up that's why I'm in the hospital. You say going back inpatient isn't an option maybe reconsider. It'll help you get better and be a better wife, mother and it'll help you feel better!!!!! Sorry I don't have much advice to give you and what I did say is pretty crappy but all I wanna say is I feel for you and hope things get better quick!!!! Lots of ((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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downandout
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12/29/10 7:02 PM
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Thanks, toy. What you said is not at all crappy.

And honestly, whether I reconsider or not, it looks like I'm headed toward inpatient either way. I'm really struggling badly, and I don't see any way out on my own.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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toy123
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How you doing downandout?

Are you going to go inpatient?

Are things any easier for you?

((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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downandout
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I'm going inpatient on Monday.


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toy123
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Good Luck!!!!

Sorry that you have to go inpatient to get better but I'm sure you're making the right decision and very soon you'll be back on track......

((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))) ((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))) ((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

Sorry I don't have anything constructive to say but I really care for you and genuinely feel bad.


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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toy123
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Downandout good luck for tomorrow. keep us updated if you can. hope your not too nervous..... I'm sure your doing the right thing.........


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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Aba
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Sorry to hear you are going in, Good luck.
Kol Tuv,
Aba and Ema


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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downandout
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Thank you for you good luck wishes, Toy and Aba and Ema. I appreciate it. I will let you all know how it's going, IY'H.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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Good luck. Please keep us posted!
 
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mouse
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Best wishes D&O and hoping that you get on your way to recovery once again very soon.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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downandout
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Thank you all.

I'm in the hospital - have been here since Monday. So far, it's going okay, though it is hard getting adjusted again. Refeeding is hard... I hope that it gets easier with time.
It's just frustrating to me that I have to do this again, when I just did it not so long ago. But I guess if things went downhill, then this is what I have to do to help myself.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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mouse
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D&O, best of luck there. I was thinking very hard to find a resource that may help you. Please check your PM's.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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downandout
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Just wanted to post and let you all know how I'm doing. I'm still in the hospital (it's usually more of a lengthy stay). I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing, and not fighting the system at all. I'm still struggling a lot with motivation, though, and when I'm out on a day pass, I have a very hard time sticking to what I'm supposed to do.
I am trying, though, and I suppose I am more towards the beginning of my stay still, so I should give myself a chance... It's rough a lot of the time, but I guess that's to be expected.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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mouse
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As my Ivrit teacher used to say....Kol hatchalot kashot....it's a new beginning, it's rough. Give it a chance. I'm thinking of you.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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Holding on
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*hugs* rooting for you! Hang in there!
 
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toy123
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Downandout how u doing? How are things going? Hope your doing well. Thinking about you........


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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downandout
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How am I doing?
Struggling...
Having a hard time with motivation to get better. For a while, I was coasting along and doing things right over here (in the hospital), but now I've kind of been screwing up and not doing things right.
Recovery - it's seriously a seemingly endless battle. I know that I can get there one day, but while I'm in it, it just seems to go on and on and on. And wanting it takes so much of my energy, that I'm not always sure I have.
But I'm still here. And I guess that says something. It's a voluntary program; I'm an adult, and I didn't sign myself out. So I guess somewhere deep down that means that I want to get better. That I'm doing this for a reason. I just hope I see WHY sooner rather than later.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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hugs
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downandout- I wish I had the answers for you, I wish I could make it all much easier for you but I don't
I just want you to know that you sound like an amazingly strong person!! I've been thinking that for a while already! Goodluck!!!
 
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toy123
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Sorry your struggling so much. It must really be hard to be in a program and not have motivation. I know that feeling. Right now I'm also lacking motivation to do things I need to do. It sucks!!!!!! Here are some ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))). I wish you all the best and may you figure out the reason very quick. I'm proud of you that your sticking it out though instead of signing yourself out. Keep it up........ Thinking about you and hoping you recover real quick!!!!!!!!


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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toy123
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2/8/11 12:54 AM
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Downandout we haven't heard from you in a while how are things going? Are they getting any easier? Please update us. I don't know about anyone else on here but I'm worried about you and think about you a lot......


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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downandout
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Thanks for thinking about me.

I'm still struggling, but trying very hard. Insurance issues are cropping up, though, so I don't know how much longer I have here. Which is crazy, because I'm not nearly near where I need to be in recovery. I'm not ready to do this on my own. I know that if I go home now, I will not be in a good place. So I'm attempting to make the most of the few days I have left, but it's not easy. Trying to fight for recovery and insurance at the same time is... not fun. It kind of sucks.

I just so badly want this hospitalization to be the last one. I want it to be worth it. Really worth it. I want to be better. Period.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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Debbi
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sounds like a bit of motivation creeping in there. Are u a little bit more motivated?
I'm sorry its so hard.
I really really hope ure insurance kicks in- uve put so much energy in getting to where u are now.
I'm also thinking of going in-patient, different unit though- trauma- so I understand how u feel.

Hope u can get to where u need to before u leave.
thinking of u.
(((((((hugs)))))
 
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killedlastyear
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ugh. insurance. it's so horrible. I hated the not knowing how much longer I had left.
Really do make this the last one!
I'm tired now and need to sleep. But wanted you to know I'm thinkin of you and hope you're doing ok.
 
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toy123
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Downandout how are you doing? Are you still inpatient? If yes how is it going? Getting any easier? If not how are you coping on the outside? Hope all is well!!!!


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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downandout
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Funny that you posted that last night - I just left the hospital last night.

Today has been okay - not perfect, but definitely not bad. I'm trying; and things were somewhat stressful, especially given that I'm back to all of my responsibilities now that I'm home.

I'll be doing the hospital's outpatient program a few times a week, so that will make my transition period easier, I hope.

Thanks for thinking of me.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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mouse
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Glad you are out. Best of luck keeping Ed away. We are here for you. Know you can do it.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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toy123
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Downandout how are you doing? How are things going with recovery? Are you still in the outpatient program? I hope things are easy for you. Thinking about you!!!


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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downandout
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It's been a while since I last posted on here. I feel like I've been kind of dead to the frumsupport world. I've been coming on and checking what's going on periodically, but I've been having a hard time thinking of what to post...
Anyways, I've been through a lot in the past couple of months. PHP did not go that great for me. I relapsed almost immediately after leaving inpatient, and was basically just going through the motions while in program. I was there up until Pesach. I was supposed to go to a residential program, but that didn't work out, so I spent a torturous Pesach with family, and now I'm back home, bascially not exactly sure what I'm doing next in my treatment. I actually am doing a little better now than I was before, but it's hard to know where I'm headed. I'm trying to get things sorted out - treatment options, etc.

Does anyone have experience with either of the following: (1) The DBT Center of NJ - located in Lawrenceville, NJ
(2) The DBT programs run by Princeton House in Hamilton, NJ

If you do, if you could either write back here or pm me any info you might have, I'd really appreciate it.


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mouse
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Go figure, I know BOTH....WELL.

Anyhow, here's the scoop.
The DBT day hospital program is a full or part time DBT program in Princeton House. It is run at a few locations including Hamilton I believe and Princeton. It was a helpful, intensive "crash course" on DBT. DBT can be quite helpful for depression, eating disorders...not just BPD. If you want to know the name of a really good one to one therapist I had while there (in Princeton location), I'd be glad to forward the name to you. She's really one of the best in the program from what I can tell.

From there, my primary therapist from Princeton House's DBT program, referred me to the Lawrenceville location DBT program run by Villiage counselling. I believe this is the same program we are referring to. I just started a few wks ago, but my impression is that it is a good follow-up program to Princeton House's. The session (1.5 hrs. long) is, well, LONG but very informative. They do not work with my insurance company even though I was able to get a single case agreement (exception) made due to concerns over confidentiality with insurance. Rather, they take my copay and are happy -- kinda makes ya wonder how they profit??? Either way, I'm in the morning group. I think it's filled to capacity but not sure. The also have an evening one. Most of the info they give is redundant to what I learned in Princeton House but it forces me to use the skills in my everyday life....if you don't, DBT is basically useless. Hope this helped.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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downandout
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It is very helpful. It sounds like Princeton House's program is a good first step then, and that's what I'm looking for.

I'm not sure though that we're talking about the same program in Lawrenceville. The program I'm talking about is run by somebody name Rikki Bobchin. Is that the one you're talking about?


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mouse
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No, I think it is a different program. You may want to check out Villiage Counseling in Lawrenceville. Elizabeth Alberts is the contact person.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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mouse
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5/6/11 9:46 AM
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In addition, as stated in the PM to you, just so others know about it, Robert Wood Johnson in New Brunswick has a DBT program that sounds very strong and intense. It is offered on a sliding scale basis and does not accept any insurance. It is run by someone who studied under Marsha Linehan (the founder of DBT.)


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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downandout
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5/8/11 10:15 AM
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Thank you so much for all the info. I actually think I'm going to stick with Princeton House for now, but it's really good to know that there are options out there for down the line. I may be hounding you for more info later on...


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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mouse
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5/24/11 12:10 PM
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Have you started the DBT program at Princeton House? How is it going? Are you finding it helpful? I hope it's helping. Hang in there if they throw a lot of weird things at you like "DEAR MAN" and "GIVE".....you'll learn what they stand for soon enough.....just ask LOTS of questions and question everything.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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toy123
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5/24/11 12:39 PM
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Yea how u doing downandout. We haven't heard from u in a while. Hope all is well. Please do update us.


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Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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