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TOPIC TITLE: Rosh Hashana
Created On 9/18/09 2:50 PM
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downandout
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I know. That's why I only take them at nights, and only when I know I'll be home.

Unfortunately, I've got it all figured out.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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12/2/09 6:31 PM
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I know what you mean! My motivation (for getting better) is my health.
I'll randomly get freak out about the destruction I'm doing to my body and I'll be like OK that's it I need to change! And then like a second later I start thinking about what that actually means... to "change" and the specifics are a lot different then just thinking "I need to start eating normally".

Yeah I think you just have to do what you said and just give them up even if you're hating it and hating yourself. Reaching out is deff the beginning so you're going in the right direction! It's the best first step to take because doing it by oneself is really hard.

It is hard to do everything at once. Just try to actually follow through with stuff and goals you set for yourself because you just HAVE to give everything a fair try. At least that's how I try to make myself think about it. Lots of self-motivational-talk is helpful. Don't worry, talking to yourself isn't crazy

I think I said this before but I do alot of "la la la shut up and just do it" when I start having negatives thoughts about specific recovery goals.

Keep us updated with progresses you make (if you find that helpful). And I KNOW you already know this because you say it to other people... if you have setbacks you just pick yourself and keep going! It's never too late to try again! (just don't use that as an excuse to purposely self-sabotage!).
 
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downandout
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12/3/09 9:15 PM
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Thanks for the advice, KLY. I guess it's really good to hear from someone who has been working on this area...


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downandout
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So, today was my first session with my nutritionist. I think she's really good.
I know I always get hyped up a little too fast, but seriously, we made some good plans, which I think are carry-throughable (that's not a word, is it?). Bite-sized plans - one I've already done today. I expect it to be hard to implement them every day, but at least I am planning to try.
It was really good though to talk to someone who is really, really experienced with EDs. She totally got it, and was not condemning at all. (Although of course she did explain all the health tolls it is taking on my body.) I felt like she understood me.
Here I go, getting all excited the first time. I know, in a few days I'll feel blah about it all... but at least now I'm in a good mood.


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Leah Anderson
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12/7/09 11:11 PM
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Good for you! lots of luck downandout.
 
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Aba
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Yah, I hope the mood keeps going.
Kol Tuv,
Aba


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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killedlastyear
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12/8/09 5:07 PM
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hope the mood keeps up!
 
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toy123
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D&O how's it going with your nutritionist? Hope all is well.


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Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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downandout
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Thanks for asking, toy.

I've still only had that one session with my nutritionist - on Monday - and I won't have another one until next Monday. But as far as the food plan is concerned, I've been keeping to my meal plan pretty much - it's hard, but we didn't make such drastic changes yet, so I'm okay so far. I can't say I've been perfect about it though, and last night I had a major binge (at a wedding...) so today I've really been compensating for it by doing all of my eating disorder behaviors. I just was feeling way out of control and absolutely disgusted with myself, so....
I've also been keeping the food logs religiously - I'm hoping I keep up with that.
So I hope my next session goes as well as the first one did - though I'm not sure I'll be ready to add anything else onto the meal plan...
Anyways, for now I need all the good luck I can get - I have a Shabbos sheva brachos coming up = tons of food = possible binging = no possibility of purging since there'll be so many people around.... So it'll be tough, but I'm trying to psych myself up for it.


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toy123
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Good luck for shabbos. Hope it goes well.


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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Aba
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Good luck, good shabbos and Mazel tov.


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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killedlastyear
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Good luck with Shabbos!!!!

That's great- keep up with the food logs!
I don't know if you have this issue, but I was embarrassed sometimes to write down what I had/hadn't eaten, so if that happens to you don't give up and don't feel ashamed or whatever. I don't want to go on blabbing about myself if that isn't even relevant to you, but if it does happen you aren't the only one to feel that way!

but seriously good luck with this Shabbos! (you prob wont read this til after though so I hope it went well!)
 
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downandout
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Thanks, all, for your good luck wishes.

Shabbos went okay - though I binged like nuts.

KLY, that is so true about not wanting to write some stuff down - I was planning to skip the food logs for today and yesterday, since I ate so much, and was just too embarrassed to write it down. I don't think I will write it down, but it's interesting that you have the same issues with it. And please, you can write whatever you want - it makes no difference whether its relevant to me or not (though usually it is). It's just always good to hear other people's views and takes on things. So keep writing, and thanks!


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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downandout
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So, I had my second session with my nutritionist today. It went well, and she said she was proud of me for the few days last week that I actually kept to the meal plan. That felt good - some positive reinforcement for a change, instead of feeling the whole time that I'm doing everything wrong.
We came up with a new meal plan that I actually feel is somewhat feasible - not too much at once, but still something to improve my usual restricting. I think that as long as I'm at home and in my own setting, it's something I can do. It's making such a difference that I'm working with someone - now I don't feel like I just have to eat "normal" all of a sudden, but instead I can take things slowly, and still do things close to my normal.


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gad
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12/14/09 9:34 PM
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Thanks for the good news.
 
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Aba
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May you continue to go from strength to strength.
Kol Tuv.


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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toy123
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I'm happy that it's going well with the nutritionist. Keep it up.


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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killedlastyear
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I'm glad it's working out. Happy for you that you were able to find someone who sounds like they know what they're doing!
 
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downandout
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So I kept to my food plan today. Feeling really yucky about it. I feel fat and lethargic and slow - so weighted down by all the food I've eaten. How on earth could I have consumed 1000 calories today (and she says that if I'd be going to any hospital program, the bare minimum would be 1200)? I feel fat, fat, fat. I feel so much better when I've eaten less - light on my feet and just empty - not full and heavy.
And I'm terrified of seeing the scale tomorrow. The number is going to be way too high. I know, I should just not go on it, but I neeeeeeed to.
But I hate this feeling. I don't know about following the plan tomorrow. I need to lose the weight I've gained in the past week.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
Remind me - why am I doing this? Why am I working on getting better when I don't really want to? (I know, I once said I did want to, but right now I don't want to.)
How can I just eat like other people do? I'm not supposed to. I don't need that food. I'm better off without it. If I eat too much, I have to compensate for it. How I hate this all.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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gad
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Quote

Originally posted by: downandout
Remind me - why am I doing this? .


How about: because it's the right thing to do?
 
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killedlastyear
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just want to give a warning that stuff I write might trigger some people... though honestly I think anything and everything about eating disorders has the potential in some way to be triggering to some

Congrats for following your meal plan! I did too! (ALMOST 100%).

Awww it's only when you start eating more that you'll stop binging and your weight wont go up.
I know how scary it is to be eating so much though! Every time my nutritionist increases the amount I have to eat it's SOO scary (she just did on Monday so I'm struggling right along with you). If it helps I'm eating WAAAAAYYY more than 1000 calories and some weeks somehow my weight stiiill is down (though it's still so hard to comprehend and the eating so much never really feels comfortable- I just make myself do it).

Nooooooooo- not the scale! the dreadful awfulness that decides our fate and our food intake and lets us know everything that is "wrong" with us (at least that's what the eating disorder does with that contraption).

Challenge yourself! Follow your plan. Do it for yourself- do it for your kids- do it for us on here just so you can do some serious bragging that you did it- whatever can motivate you. Just follow it.

This is what I tell myself- by following my plan I am not eating out of control. I'm eating what a nutritionist has told me is not too much. IF it causes me to gain alot of weight (something which medically I don't think is really possible- even if my eating disorder tries to tell me it is)- I know how to lose weight so I can always just take it back off. That's what I tell myself at least when I really don't want to do it.

I'm having to eat *massive* amounts of food today as well. Another "challenge" snack and a bigger lunch and dinner then I've been having.
Seriously we can really do this.

I'm committed to getting through at least this day. Are you? JUST today. When it comes to tomorrow, think about tomorrow. But what can one day of eating healthfully do that's so dreadful you won't even give yourself a chance to try it out?


Edited: 12/16/09 at 9:01 AM by killedlastyear
 
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killedlastyear
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BTW I know you said you felt yucky and gross from following your MP- I totally get that, but did any part of you feel at alllll a little "proud" of yourself?
 
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killedlastyear
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hehe and I also just want to add that despite all of my "motivational" talk I'm really completely freaked out about eating more. (don't want to give off the impression that this comes easy to me at all). Very much not.


Edited: 12/16/09 at 9:05 AM by killedlastyear
 
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downandout
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Thanks so much for the encouragement. It really helps to know that someone else is going through the same thing (although of course I wish you didn't have to).
But it is causing me to gain a lot of weight. I suppose, though, that that is from the (attempts) to stop the laxatives - my nutritionist told me it's from water retention - water that I'm used to getting rid of through laxatives and vomiting.
I guess it's a good idea to think of it as challenging myself. I want to meet a challenge. And yes, a small part of me is proud of myself.... So thanks.
Good luck with your increased amount and challenge snack.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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channafofanna
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- sorry , i edited cuz i wrote somthing probably considered por- ana, considering the fact that i dont tell my doctor about it, it probably is
sory
good luck!


Edited: 12/17/09 at 12:47 PM by channafofanna
 
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downandout
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This nutritionist business is heavy stuff. I mean, she wrote up and e-mailed me all the commitments I made today - and boy, I don't know how she managed to get me to make so many commitments! And she told me on the phone that we're going slowly - I feel like I'm taking on way too much way too fast... But she did say she was proud of me for basically keeping to whatever we'd decided on. But wow, I don't know what going a little faster would be like - this is more than enough for me.
A friend of mine has been trying to convince me to go to a day-hospital program - saying that it'll get me out of this much faster and more easily, since I won't have to be doing it all by my very lonesome self. She feels that at this point, while going slowly is getting me places a bit, I have to go faster, since my ED behaviors are having bad effects on my body. I don't like the idea of interrupting my life at this point, spending the day travelling, not seeing my kids as much... So I probably won't do it. She is on my case, though. Has anyone ever been to such a program? Or even inpatient? Do they help at all?
Thanks.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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mouse
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Are you still working?


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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mouse
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Princeton has a hospital program that has very good reputation...I don't know of day hospitals that specialize in Ed's. Look around and do research.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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downandout
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I am still working, but I will be stopping soon.
I heard about Princeton's program. I do know that there are somed day programs - Renfrew has one. I'm just wondering what they're like.


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downandout
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I know I sounded positive when I posted earlier, but.......moodswings, that's me.

I was just trying to do something that's really important to me, and I just COULDN'T CONCENTRATE! You know why? Because I was thinking about the stupid snack I just had that I feel like I shouldn't have had. I just couldn't get that food out of my head - just felt guilty, guilty, guilty, and was thinking about all the ways I could possibly compensate for it.
WHY, why, why? Why does my mind have to be so obsessed with food all of the time? Why can't I just live my life? Why can't I think straight about other things?
Oh, this whole thing is so stupid and so frustrating and so... so hateful!


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mouse
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Perhaps call one and ask how the day is structured, what the groups are like, what meal time is structured like, etc....?


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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downandout
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Good idea! Thanks.


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killedlastyear
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Yeah you should call them up. I've found that some of their websites hardly say anything at all (Renfrew's for example has hard ANY information).

It's still hard to decide though since you're just hearing what they have to say and obviously they'll only say the positive things. But if you ask for people's first had experiences you have to keep in mind that everyone needs something different and I've found that some people have the best thing to say about some places while at the same time there's people who had the most horrific experiences at the place.
For example: some of the places are "stricter" (for lack of a better word) and really run with a reward/punishment system. For some this is just what they need (even though you probably won't find many people who'd say they LIKED it, but you will find alot of people who'll admit that that's what they needed to get better). But other people don't work well under that kind of system. So you'd hear two very different reviews of the facility from those people.
 
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killedlastyear
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Did you ever look into programs? are you still considering one? While doing research about different facilities I saw people mentioning Princeton's and it got a lot of positive reviews. It seems to be a program that worked really well for alot of people.
 
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downandout
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I didn't really do more research. I decided that I just can't see myself going into a program right now - leaving my husband and kids just doesn't seem to be an option.
I did hear about Princeton, though, and I heard that it's supposed to be a very good program.
Thanks for asking.


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killedlastyear
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aww. you can come in a suitcase to my program with me :-p
 
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mouse
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D and O, I totally understand about not being able to leave hubby and kids right now to go into a program. Just something to think about though....I'm not sure where you are in your illness/recovery....There is a point where this disease can control you and you are better off inpatient for a period of time than outpatient and at risk for major health problems. You and your doc have to make that decision. It is not necessarily best for the kids that you stay home and continue in ED behaviors.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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downandout
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KLY - thanks

Munkster - You are really right on target. I probably should go inpatient now - I'm really not doing well. But I just can't help thinking of the short term consequence. There are so many: (a) Last year I was in the hospital (psychiatric) so many times, and each time it really messed up my husband and kids.
(b) I need to work and make some money - I'm the one supporting my family. (c) Very few people know about my ED - many don't (including my parents and siblings and in-laws, etc.) If I go inpatient, they will all find out... And I just really can't have that happening - especially since they already think I'm a "case" for what I went through last year.
And I know that in the long run, it is important for my health and my kids - they will be even more messed up if they have a mother who is ill - but I guess I'm just in a sort of denial that that will actually happen to me...
But thanks so much for your input. I guess it was a jolt of reality for me.


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mouse
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OK another way of looking at is how messed up my family is now. One of my children at a very very young age is dabbling in ED-like behaviors and is already stopping in weight gain. He has more or less picked up on my hang ups with food and used it in his own ED-like way. It isn't good and quite embarrassing and upsetting to say the least. I'm also quite concerned and feel very guilty and wonder if I took care of my ED related issues if his would be alleviated? (Mine aren't really being targeted and never were.)


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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channafofanna
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probably- but theres only one way to find out...... for your children you have to get better, really better becauseyour kids need you...
 
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channafofanna
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you s D&O
good luck, both of you
 
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killedlastyear
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awww D&O I agree with what munkster says. I mean like about how important it is to take care of stuff for your kids.
If you aren't going to go inpatient though at least stick it out with outpatient and keep making progress. I know you were working on babysteps before and all those really do add up!

How's it been the past week? Are you able to be honest with your nutritionist and stuff about what you're able to do and what you're having difficulty with?
 
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downandout
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Thanks for the good luck wishes, channa.

Munkster, KLY, I know you're right.... And I guess that's one of the main reasons I'm working at recovery altogether.

I haven't been doing well this past week, but I am being very honest with my nutritionist. I've been keeping exact food logs, and I will send them to her. So, I guess that's all part of it...


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downandout
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I've had a really draining day.
First of all, I really have not been doing well recently - mostly because I've somehow lost that drive to get better - I've become really unmotivated.

Then, last night, two friends (each of them separately) were begging me to go inpatient, telling me that it's my only option now. I guess I'm kind of in a state of total denial, but I just couldn't agree with them. I finally said that if my nutritionist would tell me to go inpatient, then I'd listen...

Today, I had a session with my nutritionist. It was emotionally draining (she's also quite into therapy), but got me nowhere. She didn't say anything about inpatient, so I am relieved - but I'm so at a loss right now. She was presenting everything to me - everything that will happen if I don't work at getting better - but somehow, I just don't see it.... She asked me if I want another session next week, and I just didn't know what to say. Like, what's the point in having one if I'm not going to be doing what she's saying anyway? In the end, we decided to have one.

But I just don't know what to do. I know logically that I have to get better - for me, for my husband, for my kids... But I just don't want to right now. I guess I've gotten complacent about it all - but at the same time, I know that I am so wrong. My mind is racing in circles, and I am so confused. It's so much easier for me to restrict, to purge, etc. Everything there is so clear and controlled....

I'm so going crazy.


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killedlastyear
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1/18/10 11:43 PM
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I think at your next session you should tell your nutritionist that you need her to be more forceful with you. It sounds like she's not pushing you enough. Like she asked if you wanted another session next week? I feel like she should be telling you you NEED another session. That you NEED to go inpatient. It sounds like that's what you need right now. Maybe let her know that? Or maybe she's not the right nutritionist for you. Maybe you need someone who will challenge you more. More of the tough love- pushing you stuff.
 
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downandout
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1/19/10 10:18 AM
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She is pretty tough with me. When she asked me if I want a session next week, it wasn't just plain asking. She was kind of putting me on the spot - because i had been telling her that I want a break, that I want to just do my own thing - so she asked me "okay, if that's the case, should we have a session next week?" - kind of knowing that I'd say yes - showing me that I do somewhat want to continue to try to get better. I think that was her point in asking it.
I actually e-mailed her last night and asked her if she thinks I should go residential. I haven't received a reply yet, so we'll see... I'm hoping against hope that she'll say she doesn't think it's necessary.

What with you also telling me you think I should go IP, I guess I have more than two friends telling me that.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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downandout
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1/20/10 12:00 AM
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Okay, she e-mailed me back saying that yes, if I don't get out of this rut really soon, then inpatient will be the way to go...

Where does that leave me?


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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killedlastyear
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1/20/10 4:21 AM
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with enough reasons now to go.
 
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Aba
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1/21/10 3:10 PM
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I can't speak for your husband but as a husband who's wife went in patient I can tell you was easier on the kids and myself when Ema went in voluntary and was able to say good buy then when she went in by force strait from the therapists office.
I also found the earlier she went in the faster she came out.

I hope it all works out.
Kol Tuv


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"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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downandout
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1/21/10 6:29 PM
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I wouldn't be forced to go in - this is not a psychiatric hospitalization. The only way that I would be able to go would be voluntarily. All the preparations have to be made, insurance worked out - you can't just show up. Nobody can commit you to ED inpatient.
That being said, people can definitely insist that I go, and make all the arrangements for me. So I guess that it would kind of be involuntary.
Either way, it looks like I'll be going IP.


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