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TOPIC TITLE: Staying in recovery
Created On 12/14/10 11:40 PM
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downandout
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5/24/11 6:22 PM
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Thanks for asking about me, folks.

I did start the DBT program at Princeton House. It's going well so far. I just started last week, and yes, there are a lot of strange terms and ideas to get used to. A lot of homework and accountability, too, which is definitely something I'm not used to, but which I think is good, because it reminds me to use the skills at home. I DO question a lot - they've already learned that their newest patient is their biggest mouth who thinks she's been there for months. Seriously, it's alright, and I think I'll learn from it.

As far as other things go, I'm doing pretty okay. I'm trying really hard to stick to my meal plan and do the right thing, and I'm doing better than I've done for a while, so that's good, too. So I feel like while I'm not on solid ground, I am maybe getting there....
My week is totally filled with the DBT and other therapy/nutritionist appointments, so I'm really concentrating fully on beating this right now, but at the same time I'm at home and living a "normal" life (versus away in a hospital), so in a way it makes it more real now than it was when I was inpatient and doing okay.

I guess I just feel positive right now.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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toy123
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5/24/11 10:06 PM
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I'm so happy things are working out for you right now downandout. Keep going. You're doing great.


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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mouse
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5/25/11 9:34 AM
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I'm happy it's working...even if just for now...though I think it will have a lasting effect if you continue it once you leave Princeton House. I sure hope you have the same nutritionist doing groups there as I did....she's great. Take care and hatzlaha.


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All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.
 
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I'mTrying
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5/29/11 4:03 PM
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Hi. i haven't been on this site in over a year but I really need some sortt of support network. I'm posting here because the issue at the moment is that i'm falling back into purging behaviours. I have been doing so muach better ED wise that i thought i actually licked this thing... but I've started restricting and purging again and it feels like a really slippery slope. I can actually feel myself falling... At the advice of my therapist I have been trying to think of what actually helped me the past couple of months b/c I barely was struggling -i actually FELT mostly normal- i was ok w/ eating and keeping it in my body. I think the only thing is that i had enough willpower I truly wanted to be over this thing - to the extent that i could say that I don't have an eating disorder anymore!!!
i dont feel that way now. how can i get back that desire to be well?? that's the only thing that helped me be healthier
Sorry i realize this is really convoluted.
 
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downandout
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5/29/11 6:08 PM
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I so understand you. I have had times when I felt so "normal" - when I felt totally okay with eating and keeping it in, when I felt like there was nothing to it all. I have had some months go by where it was all smooth sailing and where I felt like there was nothing wrong with me... And then when I started slipping again and did not know what was going on with me - like why was I NOT okay with it anymore, why did I not desire a healthy lifestyle anymore, etc. It's really hard to keep that smooth sailing going all the time, which is why I give kudos to you for reaching out for support. Getting help in any way possible is so important to keep that momentum going when you feel yourself slipping.
But....
(a) Keep in mind - a slip is NOT a fall. If you have slipped once or twice, or even three times, it does not mean you have relapsed. You need help, but it doesn't mean that you are in the place you used to be in.
(b) You have gathered wisdom over the time you have been better, so you are not at "square one." You know so much more, and you have so many more skills to use to guide you through this rough spot.
(c) As you yourself have realized, support is imperative. Reach out wherever and whenever you can to others to help yourself in the right direction.

Please let us know how you're doing...


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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I'mTrying
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Thanks for taking the time to respond, downandout.
I haven't eaten in 2 days (just drinking) bc I feel so undeserving... and if I start eating I'm going to feel the need to purge. This whole situation feels kinda weird- like I feel like I'm almost PRETENDING to have issues, it's not REALLY as bad as it sounds... I guess it must be some form of denial and even as i'm typing I'm thinking no it's not. (Like i would know if i WAS in denial)
I dunno I'm pretty stuck. my T is telling me to eat small amounts a few hours apart so I won't be able to purge. problem is i don't want to.
 
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I'mTrying
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5/30/11 5:50 PM
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DAO you're right a slip usually is not a fall. I actually had one of those rings made in Israel - you know, it has gam zeh ya'avor engraved on it- so i can remind myself of that! and it has helped me hold back from SI and other impulses many times. but it doesn't feel like that has any relevance at this point...I don't mean to sound dismissive its more of despair
 
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downandout
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I guess you're right that my thing about a slip does not really apply right now.

But I so get your whole issue with denial. I've been at some of my worst times, saying out loud what I was doing/not doing, eating/not eating every day, yet still in denial about how bad it was and still having to "pinch myself" to realize that it was me I was talking about. It was as if it was all surreal, as if I was on another planet, talking about a different person. I totally understand what you are saying.

But it's obvious that you need help now. Do you work with a nutritionist, besides for your therapist? You didn't mention one, that's why I'm wondering. I know that when I started working with one (a very, very good one) that's when things started turning around. You may want to look into that option. Just throwing that out there.

When you're in a slump, it's really hard to get started back on the right track on your own. That's why you may need a change, something different than you've done before.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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I'mTrying
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5/30/11 6:25 PM
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I don't have a nutritionist. I'm in a DBT program and have a outside T in addition. no one in the program seems to be taking it seriously except to tell me to keep my weight up. Does a nutritionist have a role besides for saying what a ballnced diet means?
 
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downandout
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5/30/11 8:00 PM
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Yeah, I have heard that DBT programs vary in their responses to the severity of eating disorders. They are so used to dealing with other forms of self harm, that they often don't quite get just how harmful an eating disorder is. Thankfully, the one I'm in is dealing with me very much on the basis of my eating disorder combined with the other issues I have come to them for.

Back to you:

Eating disorder nutritionists can help with a lot of things. Besides for advising you about balanced diets, they can help you plan meals, that can vary based on where you're at in your disorder. Meaning, they work with you, not just dumping things on you, but working patiently with you to get to where you need to be so that you don't feel too overwhelmed. My nutritionist does what she calls nutrition therapy - kind of a mixture of both - and we talk about all the issues related to food and weight. Kind of what you might do with your therapist, but less about background issues and more about the actual food and weight and calories and body image, etc. Most of our sessions though are focused on meal planning, figuring out exchanges for various items (eg. is this worth 2 starches, etc.), planning for the week, discussing how I did the past week, focusing on any possible triggers to not having done so well, etc.

You have to find a good one though. Not any nutritionist can deal with eating disorders. They have to specialize, and be GOOD at it! Relief has recommendations for nutritionists.

I hope I answered your question adequately - and hope I didn't overanswer!


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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I'mTrying
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5/31/11 9:21 PM
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that is very helpful and sounds like what i need.
Thank you for taking the time to give a detailed reply.
 
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downandout
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6/5/11 9:13 PM
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Struggling.... I feel like I'm on a slippery slope right now. I'm eating kind of adequately, but totally not according to my meal plan. With Shavuos coming up I'm not seeing my nutritionist or therapist this week, since I have to go in to program every day, so... I feel like I have a handle on it; like I could do it and get myself back on track if I really, really tried hard, hard, hard - but I also feel like I don't have the energy to do it.



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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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channafofanna
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6/10/11 4:23 PM
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come on, YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!
love,
a chearleeder (wana bee)
 
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downandout
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6/11/11 10:49 PM
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Thanks for your encouragement and belief in me. I appreciate it.

Actually, I have been doing okay for the last few days. I ended up seeing my nutritionist - she had a cancellation on erev shavuos, so I saw her then - and that helped me a lot. I've been doing better - that is, sticking more to my meal plan, even over yom tov and shabbos, which is pretty amazing, given how I was doing just a few days ago.

So you are right. I CAN do it. I guess I just have to believe in myself a little more, and have the right support at the right time.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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I'mTrying
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6/11/11 11:08 PM
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Good for you, downandout! I consider that an amazing feat
May you go from strengthh to strength...
 
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I'mTrying
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6/16/11 6:48 PM
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Downandout-
How are you doing with the eating?
 
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downandout
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6/18/11 11:48 PM
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Thanks for asking.

I'm doing good with it. It's hard, though. I'm doing the actions right, but my mind is still obsessed. I'm sure you understand what I mean - the body image, wanting to restrict, wanting to use other behaviors, wanting to go on the scale and weigh myself again and and again.... But doing none of that because I know that it will lead me nowhere good. It's so hard to be caught in the tug-of-war, though. I feel depressed at times; sometimes so bad that I feel like I never recovered from my depression (I dealt with that a few years ago and got through it). I'm waiting for the day when it'll just be easy for me to do the right thing, and when I'll feel good about myself for doing the right thing.

But still. I know I'm doing the right thing by eating right, and I'm just hoping the rest will follow soon enough.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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depressed
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6/19/11 2:10 AM
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I know this sounds mean but I need to let it out:
YOU ARE SO LUCKY!!!!!!!! I'm not anywhere near the road to recovery. I'm actually getting worse by the day. I'm not even seeing a nutritionist (trying to find a good one). I went to a few but I never wanted to go because I don't trust them. They just want to make me fatter than I already am. I decided I don't have an ed-I'm too fat to have one. I didn't do exercise in days and I'm feeling horrible. I'm sooo suicidal...I was making plans on shabbos. Sorry to make this thread negative...just need to vent a little.
 
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downandout
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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.

Edited: 6/19/11 at 12:27 PM by downandout
 
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downandout
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6/19/11 3:46 PM
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I've been thinking about your post all day, and trying to think of how to respond to it. As you can see, I did respond immediately (as soon as I saw it), but then edited it, because I felt that I responded to rashly.
I can understand that you were angry and hurt by the post(s), because it must be hard for you to hear and see that someone is doing well when you are still struggling so much. Please understand though, that it was not my intention to hurt anybody's feelings with my posts.
Also, my reaction to your post was somewhat negative, as you may well understand.

One more point, and my main point: I am not lucky. My recovery is anything but luck. It is hard work, hard work, and more hard work. I spent 5 months of the last year inpatient, and an additional three months in PHP (partial hospitalization). My last three years altogether were a story from hell - in and out of psych wards and eating disorder units, therapy all the time, psychiatrists, etc. My recovery is entirely due to sheer determination and doing what I need to do, sticking with the program and doing the work. It's not fun. Believe me, I'm still suicidal at times. Like I said, my eating disorder obsessions are still there. But I'm recovering, because I'm doing the work. But it's NOT luck.


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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depressed
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I'm sorry-I didn't mean to undermine your efforts. I was a little (understatement) irrational last night because I had a very hard shabbos. It was just a little vent-I'm really, really sorry. Hashem should send you a refuah bekarov!
 
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downandout
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6/19/11 4:12 PM
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Apology taken.

Shabbos can be really, really hard, so I totally understand. Please don't feel bad - I'm past it. And about the refuah be'karov - you, too!


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I want to love my life. My desire is what counts.
 
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toy123
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-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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I'mTrying
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6/19/11 8:29 PM
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I want to cry reading the latest posts... There is so much suffering and terrible pain going on.
I want to wish everyone on here a refua shlemeima b'karov and I hope and pray this is the end of all of the suffering.
Downandout- thanks for answering. I know eating disorders are a fickle business! may the strength and clarity last.
 
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I'mTrying
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6/19/11 9:33 PM
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getting overcome with severe anxiety bordering on panic regarding eating... help???
 
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hugs
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6/19/11 9:35 PM
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Have you ever done dbt? I find that my dbt skills really help when my anxiety becomes overpowering. If you haven't done it, maybe do a google search to find a good dbt breathing skill. It's really beneficial. Feel good!
 
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I'mTrying
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been through dbt for over a year
has helped me with other things but never helped me with anxiety.
i see you're also feeling kinda uneasy
 
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hugs
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6/19/11 9:39 PM
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Dbt was what saved my life. For real.
And I'm only feeling uneasy because I'm making myself feel that way. Honestly, this site is probably triggering me a little bit right now but I can't leave it for some reason. I'm hoping that if I sleep on it I'll be ok.
I refuse to go back into therapy less than a wk after ending it so I better be ok!
 
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I'mTrying
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don't be afraid or too proud to do what you need to do
 
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hugs
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I'm not afraid. I actually love my T but ya, I guess I don't want to have to tell my family that I failed again. They're all so happy that I'm out of therapy. It would be sooo upsetting for me to go back in it, and so soon after too
 
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Researcher
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Are any of you interested in responding to an anonymous online survey about disordered eating in the Orthodox community? As a fellow survivor of an eating disorder, I am currently examining the struggles specific to the Orthodox community regarding eating disorders. I believe the only way to heal is to educate; I am researching and writing a term paper on this topic.
 
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Researcher
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Edited: 9/30/11 at 6:12 PM by Researcher
 
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Researcher
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Are any of you interested in responding to an anonymous online survey about disordered eating in the Orthodox community? As a fellow survivor of an eating disorder, I am currently examining the struggles specific to the Orthodox community regarding eating disorders. I believe the only way to heal is to educate; I am researching and writing a term paper on this topic.
 
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