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TOPIC TITLE: teenager from abused/divorced home
Created On 3/28/09 10:39 PM
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lovelife613
Junior Supporter

Posts: 8
Joined: Mar 2009

3/28/09 10:39 PM
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Hi. my parents got seperated 3 years ago and just got a divorce it was a messy divorce i went through many different lawyers because the case was so long. the thing is im pretty fine with the idea that my parents r divorced and i have great friends that helped me but my only problem is and i have been trying to get nechama from this for a long time is that when me and my siblings went to the judge to decide who we want to go with we all picked my mother and we all had to answer to the questions that the judge asked if my father was abusive and the like and i answered the positive. he got the exact words each of us said and since then i havenot heard from him i learnt a few weeks ago that he moved to isreal. i feel so guilty that he went cuz it was my fault and everything and i just cant stop thinking abt it. everytime i think abt it i could just cry. i know i shouldnt feel guilty and i know i shouldnt feel guilty and that i did what was good for me and not to get abused but still. (it was only verbal and physical not s**) any tips in how not to feel guilty thanks in advance
 
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justso
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Posts: 50
Joined: Sep 2008

5/3/09 5:30 AM
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I understand how you feel. It is soooo common for the children to feel guilty after a divorce. It is written about in all of the divorce literature.

I am a mature woman with a child from a prior marriage and I felt a lot of guilt for leaving my ex. I went into a women's shelter. My ex decided to live in his car instead of going to him family.... A lot more happened after this, but suffice to say that even though I was the wife and I made the choice, I too felt guilty.

Are you getting therapy? I hope you are getting support from other adults. It is really important for you to get good professional support during this trying time of your life. Is there a rebbitzin or teacher you trust?

Also, journaling and making art is healing too. Stay close to your friends. Don't isolate. You didn't do anything wrong. Your mother loves you that is why she finally decided to divorce. She knew that being in an abusive enviroment was not good for you.

Regarding your father's decision to go to Israel. Maybe he will be better able to do tikkun/teshuvah and have a refuah there. Maybe you can send a letter to one of his realtives to forward to him. You don't need to apologize to him for your decision to stay with your mom. But you may want to say how you feel about him leaving (miss him, hope to see him, hope to stay in touch...?) And if no one know where to send the letter,maybe just writing things out will help. Maybe someone can put it in the kotel for you?

you have a great user name -- I hope the user name reinforces itself. We care. Stay in touch.
 
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su7kids
Senior Supporter

Posts: 485
Joined: Nov 2006

5/3/09 8:25 AM
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Guilt is a feeling one should have if one did something wrong. If your father really WAS abusing you, and you told the truth, you did the right thing.

There are many reasons your father could have chosen to leave the country without contact. He could be embarrassed at what he did, he could be remorseful and not want to put you through anymore pain, or it could be that he just needs a break. Maybe a few yeasr down the road, when you're fully adult land not living under your parents' roof anymore, you can see about contacting him, if you want to, but the bottom line is, the abuse was HIS choice, adn moving was HIS choice.

I think you did the right thing, and guilt is not the feeling you should be feeling.

It could be you're upset that you don't have the father you wanted, or the kind of father you wanted, and that is the pain, but guilt is not really what it should be.

Feel sad, feel pain, feel longing, but do NOT feel guilty. You did NOT do the abusing, you were HONEST.


-------------------------
Proud Mom of 7, MIL to 3, Grandmom of 4!
 
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lovelife613
Junior Supporter

Posts: 8
Joined: Mar 2009

5/6/09 5:14 PM
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thank u both for answering. justso i have a real good friend who i talk to when i need without her i dont know where i would of ended up. i get support from other adults and it sometimes helps and sometimes doesnt. su7Kids thanks you are right i think the guilt was more like pain of not having the loving father i wanted. and i guess i was disappointed also. this year im going away for the year so i'll have a yr to get back to being my happy self . thanks for the support.
 
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