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TOPIC TITLE: Child behavioral issues
Created On 5/30/06 6:18 PM
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coolme56
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5/30/06 6:18 PM
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Hi, we have 3 year old twins-boy and girl and my husband and i have diff ways of parenting. This creates a problem when we parent our son-whos kind of wild, and doesnt listen. For example, whenever we ask him to do something, he either ignores us or says no until finally i pick him up and make him do it. my husband disagress and says we shouldnt have to pick him up, he should listen on his own. Any advice on how to get him to listen to us without us screaming or punishing. Also hes 3 and not toilet trained and his sister is.
Thanks.
 
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Debbi
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5/31/06 7:14 AM
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There are lots of things you can do, depending on the circumstance.

You can use a chart. Allow him to stick on a star every time he listens straight away.

Generally I feel that what works best is talking. Explaining. Three year olds are intelligent understanding human beings. He knows exactly what he is doing, he knows he is engaging in a power struggle. Sit down and talk to him. Tell him that when mommy or daddy tell him something, you "expect" him to comply. Ask him what "he" thinks should happen if he refuses to listen.

Give him choices.
If for example you tell him to go to bed, and he refuses, you can ask him if he would like to have another 5 minutes to play, and then you will remind him that it will be time to go to bed.
That strategy usually works, because kids then feel that they have some control.

Screaming, yelling, picking him up forcebly will only serve to escalate his disobedience.
The main thing to remember is that the more you talk and explain things to him, the easier it will be for him to obey.

About the toilet training. Boys are generally much slower than girls. I found with my own kids, that it usually happens when they are ready. Its frustrating, but you cant't force these things to happen.

wishing you lots of luck.
hope some of these tips help.

debbi
 
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frumtherapist
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6/1/06 10:07 AM
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I'd recommend you and your husband find time to read a parenting book together. I'd suggest something like "How to talk so your kids will listen, and listen so your kids will talk". There are many great parenting books out there. Parents' differing childraising styles is a very common issue. Try to "come together" on it, agreeing to read, learn, and dicuss this together. A famous Rebbe once said that all parents are mandated to spend a minimum of 1/2 hour, A DAY, learning Chinuch and parenting methods. At the very least, this tells us how much of a conscious effort and investment we need to make to "do the job right". Having a couple stand together, consistent and united, is an absolute prerequisite.


Edited: 6/1/06 at 10:11 AM by frumtherapist
 
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coolme56
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2/25/07 9:19 PM
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Hi,
its been a long tim since ive wrote back or visited the site. I guess i just forgot about it. My twins are 4 and b"h are doing great. My son is a great kid. I think he was just going thru a stage. HEs doing great at school and at home. He usually listens and when he doesnt i just try to "threaten" him by either taking away priviledges or tell him well if he doesnt listen then we cant do __________. That usually works.

Another issue that has come up, is s/times when he gets into his moods (as all kids do), I lose control either by screaming or other things. For the past week, ive been trying to laugh it off or start tickling him and say uh oh if you dont listen ill have to tickle you and make it fun for him. Thats been working for me.

Any ideas to this? Is this a good idea? if you have other suggestions, let me know.

Thanks
 
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gad
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2/25/07 11:54 PM
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It may help to consistently play with him every day, even if it's sometimes for just a minute or two, but to usually try for more time.

When he sees that he is getting this attention from you every day in an activity which he enjoys (playing), it may lessen his misbehavior (which is a negative way of getting attention).
 
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frumsw
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3/7/07 10:06 PM
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I have found that Miriam Adahan's books were very useful to me to learn to control my anger and impatience with my children. She also has great ideas on how to get them to cooperate. You can get them in any Judaica store.


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frumsw
 
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