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TOPIC TITLE: So close
Created On 7/5/12 10:47 AM
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toy123
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7/5/12 10:47 AM
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So I'm going through a very hard transition now in my life. I knew it would be hard but not this hard. I've been self harm free from about February 2011. Now I've been having very strong urges to self harm. I feel like I'm really close to doing something, maybe not intentional but impulsively... How can I reassure myself that I won't do anything when I'm feeling so close to doing something and so impulsive???? I don't want to revert back to my old habits.... I've come so far I really don't feel like falling back...


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Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.

Edited: 7/5/12 at 3:30 PM by toy123
 
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channafofanna
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7/5/12 3:16 PM
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" I don't want to revert back to my old habits.... I've come so far I really don't feel like falling back... "
I find sometimes repeating that over and over when your havign a CRAZY URGE, it helps...
((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))) but feburary 2011? WOW! thats amazing! keep staying strong! I know you, and i kno wyou can do it!!!
 
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toy123
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7/5/12 3:55 PM
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Thanks channa for rooting me on, but I work a block a way from the store where I buy the razors and I'm afraid that impulsively I'll do something stupid. I'm scared to tell anyone because I'll just frighten them and besides my last therapist - when I once told him I feel like I'm gonna do something stupid he yelled at me and said "Don't threaten me" when all I was trying to do was tell him my feelings and wanted his help, so obviously since he reacted like that, that means that I'm threatening people which is not my intention but I don't want to risk it so I keep it inside and try to deal with it on my own (which I'm obviously not doing a good job at) but I wish someone could just understand me and help me through this difficult time... It's so painful to go through this experience let alone when you're going through it alone...


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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toy123
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7/6/12 7:04 PM
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So guys I need DESPERATE help!!! It's a real serious situation... My urges are really strong stronger than they've ever been in abt a year. I need to know what I can do shabbos to help me out with my pain? During the week I have at least an outlet of writing but shabbos you can't do that and reading is really hard for me cuz of concentration issues... I nee help!!!! Again I DON"T want to give in and I'm fighting the strongest I can but I'm afraid it's not enough. I feel really sad


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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gad
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7/7/12 11:34 PM
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how was shabbos?
 
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wishtobehappy
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7/7/12 11:56 PM
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Toy, you are amazing for being able to stay SI free for so long. That reqires a lot of inner strength. Don't give in now. It's not worth it. I'm sure you know all too well that it's a slippery slope. Try to remember how bad it was to be stuck there. I'm still stuck there and it's awful. Don't go there! We're all rooting for you. Stay strong. Don't go down that route!

Are you seeing anyone now? Do you have any kind of support system? Try to find someone who can help you get throught to the other side safely. It's very hard to do it alone.
((((((((Hugs)))))))) keep us posted.
 
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toy123
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7/8/12 8:34 AM
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Shabbos was okay. I slept a lot, but b"h my urges lessened a bit. I'm still scared that I'll give in. Wish thanks for acknowledging the strength that I put in and how hard it is, but I've got a question you said you still self harm I'm assuming it helps you deal with stuff. I feel the same way that self harming will help me/ give me instant relief to my feelings/situation. I know I've been SI free for such a long time but I was in a supportive home and now I had to move so it's hard and SI is really appealing to me. You understand what I mean? Dunno if I'm making any sense... Anyway let's see what today will bring....


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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wishtobehappy
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7/8/12 12:42 PM
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Honestly, at this point it doesn't help me deal with anything anymore. It's just a compulsion most of the time. In the beginning it helps alleviate the pain or deal with tough situations but it then takes on a life of it's own. Once that happens, you don't get any benefit really other than not having to fight the urges when they come. Compared to the consequences though, it's definitely not worth it. Right now, I'm giving it my all to get out of this muck once and for all. I've had patches of being SI free here and there but could never manage to stretch it for such a long time as you did. You're amazing. Keep it up and DON'T give in now. You'll be happy you didin't when the urges pass!
 
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Aba
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7/13/12 11:22 AM
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>I've been self harm free from about February 2011
Wow what an accomplishment

I hope the SI feeling pass soon.

Good Luck.


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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toy123
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7/13/12 11:32 AM
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Thanks guys for cheering me on!! As of now it's really helping... don't know how long it'll last but at least for now...


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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reach4thestars
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7/29/12 10:57 PM
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how are the urges now? and IT'S AMAZING that you were SI free for so long!
 
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toy123
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7/29/12 11:20 PM
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Thanks reach. The urges seem to have subsided somewhat bh but something else took its place which is far worse than urges to cut.

Also the only way i was able to stay si free for so long was because i knew if i did anything i'd get thrown out of where i lived... And now its like i dont want to let my therapist down so im x cutting. I could never seem to not cut cuz i dont want to or cuz i know its bad. Its always because of someone/something else...


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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reach4thestars
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7/30/12 7:07 PM
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Yea hun I know exactually how u feel on that one it's a good way to stay si free no?
but you CAN stay si free!!!! I believe in you! And u can do it for yourself!


Edited: 7/30/12 at 7:08 PM by reach4thestars
 
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toy123
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8/7/12 8:48 PM
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I WANNA CUT NOW!!!!!! I'm feeling so numb need to cut to feel something!!!!

Anybody relate?!?!?!?!?!?!


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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toy123
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8/8/12 7:16 AM
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Anyone? Anyone even care? Im feeling so bad....


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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wishtobehappy
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8/8/12 8:40 AM
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toy, DON'T DO IT We all care!!! Try to hang in there. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
Can you speak to someone about it?
 
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Aba
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8/8/12 10:44 AM
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Yes we all care, I hope you can refocus soon.

Kol Tuv


-------------------------
"Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming." - Coach John Wooden
 
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