Login
Questions or Comments!
admin@frumsupport.com

Get FrumSupport News! Join our mailing list.
Email:


Search

Navigation:

 Tehilim List  < Refresh >
TOPIC TITLE: fat in shidduchim
Created On 2/5/07 10:12 PM
Topic View:

View thread in raw text format


rockybrown
Junior Supporter

Posts: 17
Joined: Feb 2007

2/5/07 10:12 PM
User is offline

hey im just starting the "shidduch stage" thing, and for once my weight is REALLY starting to bother me.my family are all supportive of the gym... bla bla bla but i feel like losing weight for someone else is cheapening to me and anyways i want a husband who can like me for me not cuz i happen to look like the blond woman he sat next to yesterday on the train...my point is, if i look too good i feel like ill
a)be pandering to mens obsession with sexualising women
b)if im skinny i fear i will attract a man who will like me more for my present looks than the many other complex facets of character and experience that make up "me"/this mans wife.
-maybe this wont be overt but i fear that itll be inevtable if im good looking for that not to be a factor in the choice to marry me or some other good jewish girl.and im afraid of being in a marriage that started with a condition for looks to create interest/acceptance on my husbands part.also because its not just an issue of fat, itll chase me in the far future(when hopefully by then moshiach will have come) if im not fat itll be beauty or colour of eyes... and il always be in fear that im not good looking enough for my husband... certainly not a situation id choose to be in even if its only a subtle aspect of our marriage.doest make me excited to date.anyone got any suggestions?


-------------------------
~when the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box~
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Belly
Supporter

Posts: 152
Joined: Mar 2006

2/6/07 11:02 AM
User is offline

I understand your concerns.
there are vain poeple in this world, but I can tell you that in these days especially no man would stay with his wife if he didn't like her. As important looks are to some people what really holds a marriage together are the character traits your spouse married you for. I once dated a guy who was very much into looks. B"H I noticed on time. Believe in your judgment about poeple. Get to know the guy and you will find out what's important to him in life. You do't have to sak him directly. You will find out through conversations.
I have noticed throughout my years of marriage that it's more important how I feel about myself than how much I weigh. When I feel good about myself, my husband finds me attractive. Believe me going trough pragnancies,.... I'm not skinny anymore. B"H my husband still loves me. Yes he liked the way I looked when we got married, but there is alot more to a marriage then looks.
Good Luck
Belly
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



rockybrown
Junior Supporter

Posts: 17
Joined: Feb 2007

2/13/07 2:21 PM
User is offline

belly.
thanks so much for youre reply.bchlal this whole site is gr8 cuz i live far out so i am not around many frum ppl. i saw that you really read between my lines when you replied "Believe in your judgment about poeple" you touched on the fact that i am afraid that in the shidduch system i wont get to KNOW the guy well enough before i have to make a choice. but what you seemed to say was that ill feel it and can trust my judgements, instincts can be felt pretty quickly so thats a comfort.btw,can i ask how long you went out with your husband for?


-------------------------
~when the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box~
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Yad HaChazakah-JDEC
Junior Supporter

Posts: 17
Joined: Jan 2007

2/20/07 11:30 AM
User is offline View users profile

Hi Rockybrown,

If I may add a little to the wonderful support that "belly" has given to you...

The most important thing is how you feel about yourself. You need to know and exude your magnificence. People need to see it, feel it.

I am a woman with a significant case of cerebral palsy. I use a power chair and I have a very noticible speech impediment. From the time I was young, I was determined to marry -- someone who not necessarily had a disability. I had a good sense of myself and the ways that I attracted people to me. In addition to taking on projects and responsibilities, sharing meaningful thoughts and ideas, I would use my eyes, arms, and wheelchair in a flirty way. When I went to college, I attracted my husband and we married soon after I graduated. We would discuss H-shem, his ways, and his reflection in the world for hours. We've been married 23 wonderful years and the intensity strengthens each year.

While one should not marry based upon physical attraction alone, we must recognize that it does play an important role in attracting a spouse, and, yes, in keeping ourselves and our mates happy. Though, barring any miracle, I expect to have cerebral palsy for the rest of my life and my zafticness (heftiness) runs in my family, I do watch what and how much I eat for my health and for how I feel about myself. I dress in ways that please my husband, and I flirt with him at the appropriate times.

To sum up... the ways in which others see and feel about us are often reflections of the ways in which we see and feel about ourselves.

If you'd like to talk with me more, please call or email me.


-------------------------
Sharon Shapiro, Founding CEO
Yad HaChazakah-The Jewish Disability Empowerment Center, Inc.
Tel. & 711 TTY Relay 212-284-6936
sshapiro@yad-jdec.org

Led by Jews with disabilities and chronic health conditions, Yad HaChazakah - The Jewish Disability Empowerment Center Inc. provides support services, advocacy, and educational forums for Jews with disabilities and chronic health conditions.

Edited: 2/20/07 at 11:58 AM by Yad HaChazakah-JDEC
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



BH613
Supporter

Posts: 91
Joined: Dec 2004

2/20/07 1:36 PM
User is offline

As an individual with a weight issue since since... I was told by LOTS of people that I was too heavy to ge a "good" shidduch. B"H, 18 years ago I met my husband and Bli Ayin Horah, we have a great marriage and I am still heavy. I would, at this time, like to weigh less for health reasons, but felt very much like you during the shidduch process!!!
Do what you need to in order to be healthy, but trust yourself as far as the shidduch process goes. IT is tough, but Im Yirtzeh Hashem you will soon be looking back and thanking Hashem for such a great Shidduch!
Bsha'a Tovah Umitzlachos.
Miriam
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



rockybrown
Junior Supporter

Posts: 17
Joined: Feb 2007

2/20/07 5:43 PM
User is offline

guys thankyou sooo much! yad hachazaka your reply was both honest and supportive.b"h i just got a vcr to do exercise videos thanks again!


-------------------------
~when the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box~
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



Yad HaChazakah-JDEC
Junior Supporter

Posts: 17
Joined: Jan 2007

2/22/07 6:24 PM
User is offline View users profile

Anytime Rocky Brown. Just feel good about yourself and feel confident about who you are and all you offer.


-------------------------
Sharon Shapiro, Founding CEO
Yad HaChazakah-The Jewish Disability Empowerment Center, Inc.
Tel. & 711 TTY Relay 212-284-6936
sshapiro@yad-jdec.org

Led by Jews with disabilities and chronic health conditions, Yad HaChazakah - The Jewish Disability Empowerment Center Inc. provides support services, advocacy, and educational forums for Jews with disabilities and chronic health conditions.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



alone
Junior Supporter

Posts: 9
Joined: Mar 2006

1/19/08 5:55 PM
User is offline

I am fat, and I am not sure, but I feel like it is a reason why I am still very single. My self esteem is fine, until I meet a man, and then I feel very very fat from the look I get from them. They like me over the phone, until they meet me in person. So I feel that it is not my personality that needs work, but my weight. I try to loose weight. But shouldn't they like me for who I am inside, more than for who I am on the outside? Or encourage me to loose weight istead of judging me? I don't know anymore. Please help.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     



ezrah
Supporter

Posts: 45
Joined: Aug 2007

6/5/08 4:17 PM
User is offline

I HAVE GAINED WEIGHT SINCE MY MARIAGE AND MY HUSBAND CANT TAKE HIS HANDS OFF OF ME


-------------------------
Please pm me if you have any questions.
 
Reply
   
Quote
   
Top
   
Bottom
     

View thread in raw text format
FORUMS > Living with Disability > Self Image & Social Acceptance < Refresh >

Navigation:

The information in this site is not intended to replace the advice of a doctor. FrumSupport disclaims any liability for the decisions you, the User, makes based on information on this site. By using this site, reading, viewing, posting or otherwise, you signify your assent to the Terms and Conditions of Use. If you do not agree to all these Terms and Conditions of Use, please do not use this site. FrumSupport may revise and update these Terms and Conditions of Use at anytime. Your continued usage of FrumSupport will mean you accept those changes.

If you think you or someone you know has a medical emergency, call your doctor, Hatzolah or 911 immediately. FrumSupport cannot and does not monitor forums and postings and cannot and will not pro-actively obtain help for users in need as FrumSupport does not have the funds or people power to accomplish such tasks and it will infringe on the anonymity of each user. Therefore, FrumSupport’s liability is limited by this paragraph and as further set forth in the Terms and Conditions of Use.