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TOPIC TITLE: rage
Created On 3/17/14 6:26 PM
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star
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3/17/14 6:26 PM
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i can only write this here,my secret life.

I AM ENRAGED.
I AM FURIOUS.
I AM SO ANGRY HOW MY LIFE TURNED OUT, I WANT TO SCREAM AT THE WALLS AND THROW ROCKS AT THEM.
I WANT TO KILL SOMETHING. I WANT TO MAKE SOMEONE HURT AS MUCH AS I DO.

I AM ANGRY AT GD. HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME????
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS I JUST WANT ONE ENJOYMENT AND I CANT GET IT CUZ OF MY STUPID MEDS OR MAYBE S/T ELSE.
ITS NOT JUST THAT ITS EVERYTHING COMBINED.

ITS ALWAYS ALWAYS BEING JUDGED AND NEVER EVER BEING UNDERSTOOD. ITS SAYING SORRY AT THE WHOLE WORLD
WHEN THEY SHOULD BE SAYING SORRY FOR ME.
ITS FOR EVERY JOB I QUIT OR WAS FIRED FROM AND IT WASNT MY FREAKIN FAULT.

ITS FOR THIS MARRIAGE I DREAMED OF, THE LOVING SENSITIVE HANDSOME HUSBAND I FANTASIZED ABOUT WHEN I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF.
I WANTED HIM TO HAVE BLUE EYES. JUST ONE LITTLE THING. A STUPID THING. BUT I DESERVE IT. DONT YOU GET IT.
AFTER THE HELL OF DEPRESSION, SLEEPLESS NIGHTS, DAYS FEELING LIKE A MURDERER, ENDLESS MINUTES OF HORROR SHAME AND ANXIETY....

I DESERVE THIS GD. AND U R LAUGHING IN MY FACE. I HATE U SO MUCH I COULD EXPLODE. IM SCARED ILL EXPLODE IN THE STREET
AND YELL IM INSANSE KILL ME. YELL YOURE ALL RIGHT IM AN ABUSIVE MURDERER.

IM GONNA EXPLODE WITH THIS RAGE AND NOONE NOTHING AND NOBODY CAN TAKE IT AWAY.

I JUST WANT ONE PERSON TO CRY WITH ME. MY DOC, I WANT HIM TO CRY WITH ME WHEN IM CRYING INSTEAD OF WATCHING.
I WANT HIM TO HUG ME. I WANT GD TO REVERSE TIME SO I COULD MEET HIM FIRST.
CUZ ITS NOT FAIR HIS WIFE GETS TO BE RICH AND HAVE A SENSITIVE HANDSOME HUSBAND. THATS RIGHT EVERYONE
IM A CRAZY JEALOUS BITCH. I WANT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR. IM CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS.
IM A SINNER LIKE NO OTHER.

BUT I JUST WANT ONE THING. ONE PERSON TO GO INSIDE MY HEAD AND COME OUT AND CRY WITH ME
CUZ HE FINALLYYYYYYYYYYYYYY UNDERSTANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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keep climbing
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3/17/14 7:46 PM
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(((HUGS)))
Oy, Star! It's horrible to feel like That! I hope it gets better really soon.
WE, on this site do cry with you, and know what it feels like (at least I do.)
We are always with you, thinking about you. You are never alone!
 
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star
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3/17/14 9:15 PM
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thanks for not judging.


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HopefulMommy
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3/18/14 12:21 PM
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Oh, star, it's perfectly understandable that you feel this way. (((Hugs))) Don't judge yourself! Emotions are there for a reason, and this one likely comes from years and years of unmet emotional needs. That's probably why it's so intense. Hang in there and try to ride it out. Feel better!
 
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star
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3/19/14 7:35 PM
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thanks guys for understanding. when i said 'affair' i was sure s/o was gonna say ur crazy....anyways bh today did some organizing for gemach and the lady told me
im good w fashion cuz i got a new dress. and it was 15/hr so got 70 for 4 hrs bh. but still feeling isolated. keep texting ppl angry things etc to get them mad at me, so confusing.


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HopefulMommy
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3/23/14 1:55 AM
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That sounds nice, the gemach job. How are you doing now?
 
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star
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3/23/14 10:34 PM
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thanks. was very sick. better now bh. but so upset about perets sontag. a confident of his told me his fam was mistreating him after he lost his money and thats why he was so depressed, and now hes dead and the secret dies w him. his fam gets to look all innocent and concerned and meanwhile they r heartless. idk what u say, i know this. taking it very personally cuz my fam gets away w abusing me all the time and i am the one ending up looking bad.


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HopefulMommy
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3/24/14 1:20 AM
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Glad you're feeling better. It's hard to be sick, on top of everything else. That's such a sad story. I don't know anyone who knew him personally. But as Jews we're all connected.
 
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channafofanna
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3/24/14 7:02 AM
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oy.. I have nothing so say but ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
 
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star
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3/24/14 12:59 PM
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thanks. how do u get these posts sent to email?


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star
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3/27/14 11:18 PM
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so I left my fb page cuz I was getting hurt and looked like an idiot.

I keep getting into altercations w ppl I work w etc so I feel lile a complete loser who gets along w noone. Except my husband, we were doing so well and then randomly were playing guitar and I get irritated at him and mad at myself. And anxious for the long shabbos and what abour pesach??? Wat the hell does gd expect from us ppl??? I may just watch tv. I already decided I'm not doing mikva, I'm so angry w gd about peretzs story. Which terrifies me.
I don't expect you guys to reply cuz I haven't been here for you , it's hard to come on , maybe it's a painful reminder but I feel like I'm abandoning you guys....just venting...


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HopefulMommy
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3/28/14 12:01 PM
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Sorry you are having a hard time. Did you see Lasthope's post that it might not have been suicide?

There are times when we give and times when we take. I think it's fine to come here for support even if you are unable to support others.
 
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channafofanna
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3/30/14 9:34 AM
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How about you worry about takin gcare of yourself and if anyone of us feels like you are abandoning us, we can discuss it.\It may not feel like i, but yiou deserve replies and support, regardless of what you do to help others..
 
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I'mTrying
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3/30/14 12:23 PM
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All I can say is I care so much and feel your pain.
((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
 
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star
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3/31/14 6:29 PM
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thanks.on the bus and reading up on the depression threads and feeling like an outsuder.without me, there are no more fights or hurt feelings, it seems you all are better off without me. Am I such a horrible ,mean person? I left my MI fb page cuz either ppl were hurting me or I was misinterpeting them. Also in monsey I thought I found my niche but now there are several ppl I was 'close to' that I now avoid. So guys what is wrong with me? I feel like a posienous snake, everyones running from me. I don't know where to go for pesach cuz family mostly o don't talk to and other ppl I don't want an incident with. I feel like such a failure. Help please.


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star
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4/1/14 10:52 AM
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I guess the silence says it all.wow.


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HopefulMommy
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4/2/14 12:48 AM
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All the silence says is that people are busy getting ready for Pesach, and dealing with their own issues. I am so exhausted I can barely think straight. Not sure if I can say anything meaningful. I mean, I definitely don't think you're a horrible or mean person. I think you're a hurting person. But there are probably things you could do to improve your relationships. I think it might be more helpful for you to discuss your relationships with your therapist. I don't know if a bunch of online friends who are busy with their own issues can really help.

Sorry, I'm just feeling overly agitated and anxious right now. This time of the year is hard.
 
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keep climbing
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4/2/14 5:07 AM
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Sorry, star, for not answering. I wasnt feeling well myself.
Any better, today?
 
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tikvah
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4/2/14 10:21 AM
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yeah hm, that just made me feel worse.

thanks kc.

today im feeling sh***y cuz yesterday i was supposed to see my doc but i hadnt slept the night before so i took sereqoul and then was too exhausted to go and he wont give me any more time this week and im feeling anxious about shabbos, pesach, mikva....goes on and on.....


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star
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4/2/14 3:10 PM
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I just want to die. Everyone hates me. I'm so triggered by my doc, my hubby rold me stop cursing and I know I'm a horible person. And I'm so angry it has no place to go. I'm all alone cuz I'm s cursing bitch.


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keep climbing
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4/2/14 6:57 PM
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You don't always feel like this. The prePesach frenzy is hard for everybody. It's in the air.
 
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channafofanna
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4/3/14 1:58 PM
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I dont knoow you in the real world, Star, but I do know that the parts of you that I do know are far from horrible. Yes, you have a lot of pain and a lot going on, but you are definatley not horrible.
(and if it helps, we dont hate you here!!!)
Did you tell your doc that their triggereing you?
 
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tikvah
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4/3/14 5:14 PM
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thanks channa. yes and hes seeing me tmrw but the damage is done. im so depressed i cant leave the house.


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star
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4/4/14 5:07 PM
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went to doc and threw things. NOONE understands my RAGE!!!! Everyone just calls ,e a monster and abusive and mean but noone freaming understands hhow much I need to get it out! My doc said a pillow or punching bag ha what a joke. I need to scaream at everyone for inflictig so much pain on me! I need apologies!!! Do you hear me??? Does noone else feel this way???am I so crazy????


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toy123
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4/4/14 5:57 PM
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I totally get u. I'm about to punch someone or hurt myself.....


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Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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tikvah
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4/4/14 6:42 PM
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thanks toy.


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keep climbing
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4/4/14 6:53 PM
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I used to have tons of rage and I found that writing therapy was helpful. It's not just writing your feelings. It's a guided way of expressing and channeling them. It's terribly painful to go thru, but I think it does help longterm. I did it thru books, but there must be some therapists who know about it.
Hatzlacha!
 
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HopefulMommy
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4/8/14 12:10 AM
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How are you doing, star? Sorry I wasn't very helpful before. I think a lot of us feel rage sometimes. I know I sometimes feel intense frustrations over little things. I know it's not those little things that cause it. It's been building up over many years. I've been meaning to ask my new therapist about it. After Pesach, I guess.
 
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tikvah
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i think my rage is on a higher level. or u have more self control and im a weak loser.

was doing better but today sucked. my aunt visited and implied i do nothing all day since i dont work.
then she told me my sisters made a scrapbook for my moms bday that noone told me about. how am i not supposed to feel hurt?
believe me they did not forget. prob has to do with the sister who called me abusive. i worte her a letter and she "sincerely" apologized but it only made me feel worse.

Now im irritated by my husband by the littlest things like when he says your hairs showing etc and then i get mad at myself for being an abusive wife.

hurting like hell.....


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HopefulMommy
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4/9/14 10:49 AM
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You probably have more rage built up. There must be a way to release it, but I don't know how. Yet.

That is very hurtful, not being including in the scrapbook. (((Hugs)))
 
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keep climbing
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4/10/14 7:11 AM
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Star, ((((HUGS))) I'm sorry you're in so much pain. It's hjust not fair!
Sometimes it feels like it's too much to bear I totally get that!
I hope things will pick up soon!
Rememb er, you are not alone. We are here with you!!!
 
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star
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4/10/14 10:00 PM
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thank you. Another hard day....


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HopefulMommy
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4/11/14 11:43 AM
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Hope today is a better day.
 
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star
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nope. I hate myself so completely. And doc said I'd be better married. Wll now I just feel like I can add the failure of being a horrible wife to the list. I saw my doc and then went to thw pharmacy and to me the phramacist was being rude and I said so and then the other customor turns and says he wasn't being rude.SO humilating I want to kill myself. So jealous of peretz!!! Then I yell at hubby for not being next to me and defending me and he's defensive and I name call. Now shabbos. Then pesach. Want to die so badly. How I am supposed to live with the feeling that I turn away everyone I know, I'm like a poisenous snake. And then doc says love urself. Wat a joke. It's not f###ing possible!!! And we moved and it's a mess. And hubby won't get a job and I'm so ANXIOUS for pesach last yr my sis called me abusive!!!HELP!!!!!!!!!!someone shoot me!!!!


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keep climbing
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4/13/14 6:31 AM
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Yomtov is VERY STRESSFUL for everybody! The way I get thru it is by giving myself a lot of time to chill out-go to places that calm me , take time to do things I enjoy. Otherwise, I wouldn't make it.
 
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HopefulMommy
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I'm sorry it's so hard, star. (((Hugs))) I've known you here for a long time, and I know you're not a poisonous snake. I've seen you respond to people in pain with much care and compassion. You care deeply about others and always try to help. I think you have plenty of reasons to love yourself.
 
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toy123
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4/13/14 11:03 AM
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Star you're right it sucks right now and everything is black so you can't see properly. I can't promise cut I'm not Hashem and I wish I could say for sure that things will get better but I can't. I only daven for you that your life and the life of everyone on here gets better. But star don't beat yourself up for feeling the way u are. U r right life sucks now... A line my therapist always says all feelings are okay all behaviors are not. I hope you feel better really quick....


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Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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star
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4/13/14 11:38 AM
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ouch. So my behaviors not ok, I guess ur saying.


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toy123
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4/13/14 12:38 PM
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Ouch? I was trying to commiserate with you but I guess I made a mistake answering. I'll just keep my mouth shut so I don't get into hot water again...


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Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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tikvah
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4/13/14 4:58 PM
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see? i alienate everyone cuz im too freaking sensitive!!!! i hate myself.


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HopefulMommy
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4/14/14 12:23 PM
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Star, we love you and we care about you, and maybe you can love yourself because you are loved. Unconditionally. We've been here long enough. No matter how sensitive you are, and matter how off our responses might be, and even though sometimes there are misunderstandings and hurt feelings -- no matter what, we still care about you. And I'm sure you care about us. May Pesach bring true liberation from all our limitations, for all of us here on this forum and for all of Klal yisrael!
 
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star
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4/14/14 1:43 PM
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thank you hm, that rly touched me.


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HopefulMommy
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4/14/14 2:12 PM
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Baruch Hashem! I'm glad. Good Yom Tov! And feel good!
 
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channafofanna
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4/17/14 10:17 AM
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((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))) Star!!
Any chance u can ignore the plagarism and get touched again?
"Star, we love you and we care about you, and maybe you can love yourself because you are loved. Unconditionally. We've been here long enough. No matter how sensitive you are, and matter how off our responses might be, and even though sometimes there are misunderstandings and hurt feelings -- no matter what, we still care about you" (Source: HopefulMommy)
 
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channafofanna
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((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))) Star!!
Any chance u can ignore the plagarism and get touched again?
"Star, we love you and we care about you, and maybe you can love yourself because you are loved. Unconditionally. We've been here long enough. No matter how sensitive you are, and matter how off our responses might be, and even though sometimes there are misunderstandings and hurt feelings -- no matter what, we still care about you" (Source: HopefulMommy)
 
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star1
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ok now i cant log in at any name, so i made a new name but its rly star.

so i had therapy today, walked out more miserable then in. but i cant stop going even tho money running out big time.

please no suggestions or advice im asking nicely. he may be a cra**y therapist but the others r way worse. i know.

my husband still isnt working which drives me crazy but if we talk about it we fight which were already doing.

i dont get along with anyone. i feel the lowest of the lowest. even here i make ppl feel horrible and alienate them.

im freaking miserable. my doc said when i get married i wont be anxious, ill be happy and loved.

well im not. im so stressed about money cuz i cant work cuz i cant get along w anyone. i cant live w myself. i want to die so badly or stop existing. im jealous of sick ppl.

i cant hold on anymore. i cant i cant i cant. noone knows how to help me. its not just pesach. im a miserable human being. i even yell at my t and he says his wife doesnt throw anything at him. u dont understand. but i cant stop its my only lifejacket in this life im drowning in.

and worse i cant validate my pain cuz after all im married and my rent is paid for and my food and im not trying to drown myself like last year.

and ppl r sich. but me ? im just a dumb miserable person who cant work and cant get along w anyone and should get divorced. i want out of this life and now!
 
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keep climbing
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4/18/14 6:42 PM
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Star, (((HUG S))) I'm sorry you are feeling so low. I have been there too many times myself, unfortunatly. There isn't much to say, except that I am hurting with you and I really care about you.
 
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star1
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4/18/14 6:56 PM
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thank you kc. appreciate that.
 
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star1
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its shabbos but i cant handle it. im sobbing holding my pillow, instead of my husband. he said ur always gonna be miserable and we had a huge fight and he was criticizing me and telling me to stop yellling which makes me feel like an idiot so i said im gonna punch u and he said go ahead. and he was hurting me so much that i went and gripped his shoulders and he said ur being pyhsical and now i feel abusive in every way. and were supposed to go to this meal and im tear stained and feel like a total as*hole. i said at least im in therapy and face my problems and he doesnt. i hate myself......maybes hes right ill aways be miserable.ughhhhhhhhhh gd kill me please!!!!
 
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star1
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4/18/14 8:45 PM
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imtrying i miss u, did i scare u away? im prob being selfish and ur also going thru hell. im sorry.
 
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