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TOPIC TITLE: rage
Created On 3/17/14 6:26 PM
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star1
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4/18/14 8:46 PM
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imtrying i miss u, did i scare u away? im prob being selfish and ur also going thru hell. im sorry.
 
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gad
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4/20/14 1:45 AM
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A guten moied

Star, we all care for you. We all know that you have within you tremendous potential.

May you have good news to relate, with happiness and a healthy nervous condition.
 
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HopefulMommy
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4/20/14 3:01 AM
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I'm sorry it's so hard, star. (((Hugs))) Hope things get easier soon.

Gad, I think you mean "emotional condition."
 
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star1
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4/20/14 2:38 PM
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i dont know what to do. last night was a total nightmare. i wasnt talking so as not to fight but he keot edging me on til i screamed shut up, and then he started ranting about how the landlords are gonna kick us out and when they want to talk to us , hes gonna take me along to explain cuz its my fault. all this time i was trying to fall asleep with 300mg sereqoul and 2 kolopin so my brain was all fuzzy but it wouldnt shut off. so i started crying and begging him to stop touching me and hurting me emotionally but he just wouldnt stop-this was 3 in the morning. traumatizing and i mean it. i decided i needed to separate at least but now in the am things dont look as bad altho he didnt wake up yet. but i cannot have a repeat of last night.
im emotionally worn out to my core and i dont know where to turn. i feel im being emotionally abused but noone will believe me cuz i scream, too when triggered.
someone help me. in such pain and yt's coming......i even embarressed myself and asked a rebbetzin for funds for therapy and she said she couldnt help me.

im so scared for him to wake up...to talk, which ends up in a screaming match, or ignore?
someone help me. im drowning here!
 
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HopefulMommy
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4/20/14 4:06 PM
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(((Hugs)))

All the shalom bayis books would say that you should make him a nice breakfast. And postpone discussing last night. Try to be nice to him, even if you don't feel like it, and he might surprise you by being extra nice to you.

You'll get through this, star! We believe in you. You can make it work.
 
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star1
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4/20/14 4:38 PM
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seriously? make him a nice breakfast?
he was being emotionally ABUSIVE to me last night, and you want me to reward that?
i will NOT become a doormat as my sister calls it.
I cannot believe you wrote that.
and 'try to be nice to him'? thanks a lot. If i could be nice i would. but im in freakin PAIN but i realize now you dont understand that.
i made a mistake trying to come on here again. All i get is hurt.
 
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star1
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4/20/14 4:41 PM
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i litarlly cant believe u wrote that. now im gonna have this 'nice wife' idea stuck in my head all yt, and the only thing it makes me feel is horribly guilty and horrible about myself cuz i could never live up to that expectation. now youre gonna write some reply thatll say my response was rude, etc. but you know what, you do NOT understand me at all and it was a big mistake coming back here and trusting you guys. my really fs friends that i email w would never say s/t that hurtful. im sticking to them. i cannot believe this.
 
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HopefulMommy
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4/20/14 5:01 PM
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Star, remember what I said about unconditional love? Yes, he might say very hurtful things. But he's human. We all do. We all get triggered -- you, me, everyone else. You felt hurt last night, but you can still accept him unconditionally. And he can do the same for you. He might be just as hurt by your words as you are by his. And it doesn't matter who started it. We're adults. And as adults, we can both feel hurt and, at the same time, love unconditionally. And give unconditionally. You are not being a doormat. You are building a bridge. You're solidifying your connection. That's how relationships work. We stumble, we make mistakes, we hurt, we get hurt. But there is a foundation of commitment and unconditional love that makes all those hurts and disagreements seem less significant than the overall goal of preserving the relationship. It doesn't mean that they hurt less. The hurts are still painful. But the love is strong enough to withstand the pain, and makes it all worthwhile.
 
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toy123
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4/20/14 5:10 PM
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Star I'm livid. I know for myself I feel your pain and try to help you but you keep pushing me away so I'll just keep quiet. All I'll say is people over here care and are trying to help and you are only pushing us away... Have a good yom tov...


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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star1
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4/20/14 5:53 PM
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no. none of u understand. toy, youre livid against me. u think i want to push ppl away? u think i like alienating ppl?
then u rly dont get me. i am HYPER sensitive. you say 'feelings not actions r ok' and to me that sounds' ur a terrible person for screaming.'
u dont understand me at all. i dont want to or mean to push ppl away.
u guys just dont understand the intensity of my self hate and sensitivity that makes everything almost, sound like criticism to me.
thats what depression is and i would at least think u could understand that.
instead u r all judging me, and calling me things, when i need the most understanding.
so be livid. judge me. but now i know u do not fathom a tenth of my pain. at all.
good bye you all. thought i was safe here in 'personality disorder' but now i see im misunderstood here as well.
oh well, i rly needed the support. how hyprocritical.
u can all get on ur high horses and judge me but maybe one day gd will make u feel the intensity of my pain and youll undertsand and stop judging.
for now, good bye and thank u for making me feel like a freak, an outsider.
 
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toy123
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4/20/14 6:00 PM
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There u go again. If anyone understands u it's me. I went through the same thing as your going through. Obviously on a different scale. I guess whatever I'm gonna say is gonna do no good so I'll shut up but I'm definitely NOT judging you.


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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toy123
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4/20/14 6:04 PM
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There u go again. If anyone understands u it's me. I went through the same thing as your going through. Obviously on a different scale. I guess whatever I'm gonna say is gonna do no good so I'll shut up but I'm definitely NOT judging you


-------------------------
Sometimes you need to run away just to see who will follow you.

Sometimes when I say "I'm okay", I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say "I know you are not".

Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy.
 
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HopefulMommy
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4/23/14 3:07 AM
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Star, no one is judging you. We're sincerely trying to help. I'm sorry you're in such pain.
 
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gad
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4/23/14 7:08 PM
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In Borderline personality disorder, people's emotions can be very overwhelming. Things that to other people may seem not significant, can become very significant and infuriating.

Star, in case you are looking at this, you can still feel free to post here. And hopefully we will be able to help you with our responses.
 
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gad
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4/23/14 7:13 PM
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Quote

Originally posted by: HopefulMommy
Gad, I think you mean "emotional condition."


I think that emotions can be a cause of nervousness, whereas nervousness is the result.

So "a healthy nervous condition" would be a brocho for the result, that the person's state of being is with a healthy nervous condition.
 
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I'mTrying
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4/24/14 11:18 PM
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Star,
There is so much pain coming from you I honestly don't know what to say to help. Marsha Linehan founder of DBT therapy for people suffering from bpd said that ppl who have Borderline personality disorder are emotional burn victims. EVERYTHING is painful and feels so much worse than 'regular' ppl would feel. I hear that you are hurting so badly and it seems that no one cares. but ppl DO. I do. Even though I haven't been posting I do care.
sending you lots of ((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))
 
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star1
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4/26/14 7:56 AM
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thank you imtrying. among the hate, you are a beacon of light. only ppl w bpd symptoms understand.
 
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star1
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4/26/14 7:58 AM
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i have written something quite astounding on this site elsewhere, and i know i will get hateful comments about it. i only wish ppl could stand in my shoes before judging me.
 
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I'mTrying
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4/26/14 9:04 PM
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Star, although I don't usually daven I am praying for you right now that you find relief from your pain without doing anything harmful...
I have thinking about you more than usual and wish you relief from your pain. I don't have any answers but i sure wish i did!
 
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star1
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4/26/14 9:29 PM
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thank you so much. i dont deserve your compassion. i am crying now, shabbos ended and i have to decide where to go.

why dont i have a place to turn? i actually spoke to gd for once but no answers.

i cant stay here. i cant be alone. i cant afford my own place. i tried to work and failed. I cant.

I should have a rav to call. but r nyman never answers, i call so many times.

i said to gd:

i want to talk to you but these laws are just in the way. these stupid rabbanim make it impossible to get close to you.
these fences- all they do is hold me back from you. so i cant be close. because they say i dissapoint you. i dont do mikvah.
no shabbos. but all i want is you, your loving hug, surrounding me. but they keep me from you. all these horrible laws
i cant keep. oxymoron.
 
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I'mTrying
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4/26/14 9:35 PM
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You are stilll His beloved child. No matter what. Even if you can't feel Hashems love.
You might find this validating- I did. Especially the last few slides.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt9SOvILMI8
 
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star1
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4/26/14 9:40 PM
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thank you. maybe if my husband watched this a thousand times and then every day he would get it.
 
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I'mTrying
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4/26/14 9:46 PM
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Wish you can give yourself some compassion instead of just bashing yourself for being in pain.....
 
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star1
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4/26/14 9:55 PM
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the ending: u r a beautiful soul just made me cry more. its like my brain is utterly incapable of believing it.
i checked the link.

do u feel like u cant hold on any longer? im not suicidal, i just cant imagine more years like this, never finding happiness, just contentness,
human connection, a HUG.
All I want is for Gd to welcome me into a place where i will not hurt anymore, and to bask in the truth, where mean people who judge me cannot reach me.

Your compassion stretches to me, it is a ray of love, is it the validation that u understand, unlike other people here who just hurt me and hurt me,
because they dont understand.

I just want ppl to TRY to. To watch these videos and then ask themselves: Can i trust i would be the same after living with this painful reality day after day after day?
Or would I be like a burn victim, face black and bruised, body convulsing with pain that it cannot tolerate- and cursing is simply understandable.
 
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star1
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4/26/14 9:59 PM
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I'mTrying
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4/26/14 10:03 PM
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wow. That's really powerful and hopeful.
Thanks for sharing.
 
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I'mTrying
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4/26/14 10:05 PM
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I'm doing ok at the moment but I fluctuate very rapidly these days. Today was a failure but I am trying not to make that into tomorrow's failure as well.
 
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star1
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4/26/14 10:12 PM
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just know you have made a huge difference in my life.
 
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star1
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4/26/14 10:13 PM
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i send love. and im able to becuz u sent love.
 
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I'mTrying
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4/26/14 10:20 PM
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Thank you so much.
Same back to you.
(((hugs)))
 
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star1
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4/27/14 2:00 AM
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thanx but not sure the love still extends after the hateful messages in ask the psch section. u can hate me too. im done here.
 
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I'mTrying
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4/27/14 8:27 AM
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It still does. All that tells me is the pain you're in.
 
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star1
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4/27/14 12:45 PM
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well not one person defended me. i lost my "best friend". i cant feel any lower. this is what bullying is, ganging up on one person who is weak.

this is what happened to peretz. he lost all his money and his wife cheated on him so he fell into depression. they killed him for his life insurance money.
this is from the mouth of dr price.
so everyone ganged up on a modern day iyov and look where it led to-death.

well maybe thats the way i will go too. i couldnt feel more hated.
 
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I'mTrying
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4/29/14 10:15 AM
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Star?
 
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channafofanna
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5/12/14 6:17 AM
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Im sorry you feel hated Star. I for one DONT HATE YOU AT ALL!!! I dont know if it helps at all but I really dont hate you at all.
 
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